As Much As I Love OG Anime Masaya, He Always Felt Too... Perfect? You Know What I Meant? Great At Sports,

As much as I love OG Anime Masaya, he always felt too... perfect? You know what I meant? Great at sports, great at school, etc. But even though Manga Masaya is like that too, there was something else I liked about him and I just realized why:

THAT BOY IS DENSE

Seriously, take one look at this boy:

Does this look like a boy intelligent enough to figure out that his girlfriend is a catgirl superhero? No. This is a beautiful dumbass of a boy, and he deserves his blissful ignorance.

Really, he is at his peak when the story allows his natural dense nature to appear.

Exhibit A: Masaya with a handkerchief:

Exhibit B: Masaya's idea of a perfect date

Exhibit C: Masaya's rationale for Ichigo's behaviour

Exhibit D: Masaya vibing with the other Mews' weird quirks

Exhibit E: Masaya vs Cat!Ichigo

Good lord, even Not-the-Brightest-Bulb Ichigo knows how clueless he is:

Ladies and gentleman, this man right here is an all-powerful evil dictator who could absolutely wipe out Earth!

It came to her that Seb had always loved her the way most people bear a grudge.

Diana Wynne Jones, Fire and Hemlock

This book is astonishingly good - it uncovers new riches on each re-read, and always makes me want to grapple with TS Eliot’s four quartets, and read the border ballads, and all the other works of literature that weave in and out of a book that’s normally dismissed as “just” a YA fantasy novel.

But this time round what struck me (inter alia) was the glorious, half funny but completely true and instantly relatable, way that Wynne Jones describes things and people. I would never have thought to describe a relationship like this; but immediately I read it, I know which ones I’ve had/ seen where this analogy fits exactly!

How Bellice Could Work in Canon...

...by bringing Edward and Jasper together.

Okay, hear me out

Since Alice can see the future, she knows how Edward's powers work before she meets him

And she knows who Jasper is and can see him together with Eddie in the future

But clearly this is a) not the time period where this will be accepted and b) you can't tell me that Eddie doesn't suffered from internalized homophobia

So when Alice meets Jasper, she teaches him how to conceal his direct thoughts from Eddie

And they manage it well! Alice and Jasper are both good actors as each others' beards (mlm/wlw solditary, my dudes), and the rest of the Cullens are none the wiser

Alice is on the lookout for Bella in every vision while Jasper waits in the shadows, easing Edward's depression when he can

So when Bella finally arrives, Alice is so jealous that Edward gets to meet Bella, but she covers it up by constantly begging him to let her meet Bella so they can become "girl friends"

Eddie is just thrilled to meet someone whose thoughts he can't here, so of course he assume it's love!

And Bi Bella still finds him pretty

But all that changes when she actually makes eye contact with Alice Cullen for the first time and her heart stops

Edward is suddenly so confused why his girlfriend is spending so much more time with Alice - and why Alice is avoiding him so drastically when she hangs out with Bella

Suddenly, he's going to Jasper for comfort working through his feelings

And over time it's suddenly easier to talk to Jasper than Bella

After all, Jasper understands him emotions - and definitely knows a thing or two about regret over past actions - and he actually helps Edward works through his complicated depressive feelings

Except then Eddie is realizing that his complicated feelings have gotten more complicated about Jasper

It takes some time and some advice from a surprisingly forward-thinking Carlisle and caring Esme

(Carlisle has lived centuries - of course he's cared for patients of all sexualities and values people based on who they are and not who they make googly eyes at)

(And Esme is just Esme - how could she not accept him???)

Edward assumes that the biggest hurdle for this will be Bella, and so he works up a lot of courage to go to her house and tell her...

...only to find her making out with Alice.

Which makes a lot more sense now that he thinks about it

(seriously, if he didn't have that mind-reading ability, Eddie would be terrible at reading people and you can't tell me otherwise)

Anyway, long story short, Alice and Jasper come clean about their "love affair" which everyone takes surprisingly well

The End!

Oh, wait!

In this version, Alice definitely chooses to make Bella a vampire after James goes after her because Bella wants it and Alice actively respects her choices (after a few days on the run and intense deliberation of course)

And then the gals take down their former stalker vampire-style and wind up with a much better ending

(Charlie cries at their wedding so much - he's always loved Alice dearly so how could he not adore her as her father-in-law?)

Best thing yet, no Resume! Just vampire shenanigans for the rest of the series (anyone want a "take down the Volturi properly" plot???)

The End! :)

Actual Conversation about Inviting Mike Newton to the Wedding

Bella: Should we invite Mike? I mean, he's been a friend, but it also seems a little mean...

Edward:

Edward: No, we should definitely invite him.

Edward: Actually, we should give him a front row seat for that matter!

M*A*S*H 4077 During Covid

Hawkeye is going stir-crazy being stuck and isolated. His contributions to the “socially distanced” movement include a long-range alcohol distiller that can dispense two drinks six feet apart, a card-dealing machine that can deal the cards from a safe distance (while also giving him an upper hand in what cards he wants, shh), and socially distanced pranks (sorry Frank)

Trapper gets so desperate that he makes a full-body condom complete with a filtered breathing hole to ensure no sickness. Nothing stands between this man and his favourite activity. Nothing.

BJ is writing home all the time to check how Peg and the kids are doing – he’s so concerned whenever one of them gets sick that Hawkeye has had to physically tied him to his bed to stop him from pacing around the Swamp

Frank is absolutely an antivaxxer and conspiracy theorist. Seriously, you can trick him into believing anything. He does, however, loves the new rules and regulations and enforces them whenever possible (though Hawkeye always gets under his skin enough to get Frank in trouble of almost breaking social distancing). When he gets the weakest possible case of Covid, he absolutely believes he is dying and begs Margaret to nurse him back to health

Margaret is stressed to the max – she is overworked, overtired, and somehow has decided that she needs to master 16 different lockdown hobbies before the new normal despite having even less time than before

Donald Penobscot claims to have gotten vaccinated before he comes to visit Margaret, but he’s deathly afraid of needles. When Margaret finds out about his lie, she finally has an excuse to stab him (for medical reasons only of course – not like she is taking out any emotional frustration…)

Winchester has read every single research paper on Covid and is quick to correct anyone who states a fact possible wrong. Seriously, this man insists on rewriting all of the rules every time a new research paper comes out. Hawkeye and BJ pretend to be conspiracy theorist for a while just to drive him mental

Colonel Potter believes that perhaps this lockdown and social distancing will finally allow him to get some peace and quiet. And then he remembers that he is a doctor. And now he apparently has to start locking the Ivermectin for his horse because some idiot is trying to steal it (or whatever the 1950 equivalent is since it was only invented in 1975)... He is currently considering telling Mildred that he will be retiring early

Henry Blake freaks out the moment he hears about the pandemic. He can’t even imagine all the paperwork that will need to be created (Radar’s already made copies and labelled them), the protocols that need to be put in place (Radar’s drafts are simply pending approval via Henry’s signature), and not to mention that his alcohol supply is already running terribly low (Radar has been hiding away some to ration Henry’s drinking, but thankfully he thought ahead to order more before the supply chain completely gave out)

Father Mulcahy is currently broadcasting Sunday mass over the PA system. It’s not his favourite medium for liturgy but at least it’s something. He is getting concerned about how he suddenly needs between locks for the ceremonial wine compared to usual though…

Klinger pulls schemes twice a day insisting that he has Covid – but not just any Covid! This strain is deadly, so deadly that the only cure can be found in Toledo, Ohio. When he does get Covid, he is asymptomatic and just stuck in insolation for two weeks (at least he has more time to work on his dresses…)

Radar is definitely freaking out. He’s not sure whether he should wear a hazmat suit or if his bear needs to be the one wearing it. He’s trying to keep the camp in order, but this is definitely not making things easier

Zale suggests every type of “Covid prevention” practice you can think of (he definitely tried to steal Colonel Potter’s Ivermectin). As for them working though, well… the doctors have requested someone watch his actions 24/7 because they are sick of seeing him and his new medical emergency

Colonel Flag is an antivaxxer. Actually, no, that’s just a cover for him to infiltrate the antivaxxer society and learn what their motives are (for what is anyone’s game, really). Except, no, he’s just trying to get chummy with the doctors and trick them into revealing what they are really putting the vaccines. Only, no, he’s actually…

Sidney is observing the madness from a distance, sighing, and stating that this is seems like a normal reaction for the M*A*S*H 4077 to be having

absolutely love tam lin. would die for it. world’s oldest toxic yet wholesome couple story. janet is literally like wanna touch moss wanna touch moss touch moss do NOT want to weave boring tapestries, fucks off to the woods. picks some flowers. tam lin appears. says hey bitch those are my flowers. janet says like hell they are and picks more. tam lin is like THIS BITCH okay guess we gotta fuck now. they fuck. janet gets pregnant. her sorry sap of a dad is like h-h-hey janet you look like you might be pregnant haha just kidding….unlesss? maybe? so will you uh maybe marry one of my knights to legitimize it? aha. janet says fuck YOU no, all of your knights eat shit, and goes back to carterhaugh to get herself an herbal abortion. tam lin shows up. says hey what the fuck. why you trying to kill our baby. janets like what the fuck is your deal anyways? are you a fairy or what? do they have child support in tir na nog cause i doubt it anyways leave me alone. tam lin explains tragic backstory as a human with his manipulative gf the fairy queen. tells janet how she can free him so they can get married. janet’s like bet. janet waits for the fairy queen’s posse to go riding by with her bitch boy tam lin in tow. knocks him off his horse. holds on to this man like a mechanical bull while fairy queen gf turns him into like 5 different non- human things including lions and bears. finally she makes it through the test and he’s turned back into a man but he’s butt ass naked. so she covers him up with her **HIGHLY SYMBOLIC** mantle. end scene. iconic. breathtaking. i am screaming into my pillow