Hero And Villain Go Tubing

Hero and Villain Go Tubing

They got an early start, arriving at the water mid-morning bright-eyed and eager.

Well, at least one of them was.

“Remind me again why you made this a stipulation of our neutrality deal,” Hero groaned.

They stood upon a rock overlooking a semi-shallow green river with their ecstatic nemesis by their side.

A toothy grin spread across the villain’s face in response.

“It’ll be fun!”

For Hero, that was yet to be determined.

The hero’s swim trucks were adorned with cartoon flamingos. When questioned, Hero had asserted that they were a gift, and they didn’t go swimming often enough to own a second pair. Villain was dressed in more ‘tasteful’ swimwear, a dark blue rash guard and green shorts.

Hero sighed, “You brought the tubes, right?”

“They come with the tickets, we just give them back when we get out,” Villain explained.

“Tickets?” Hero questioned, “We’re paying for this?”

“Of course not!” Villain assured, then corrected, “You’re paying for this.”

Obviously, Hero had not bothered to read the fine print on the contract they signed.

They begrudgingly made their way to the ticket building across the street, mumbling something about ‘touristicification’ and good-old-fashion private waterways. Hero returned with a tube on each arm. One a cool blue, the other a neon pink.

Villain reached for the blue, but was swatted away by Hero not-so-gently flinging the pink tube at him.

Villain scowled, but inwardly he may have smiled.

Hero didn’t need to know that, though.

They took a step towards the water access before Hero’s voice interrupted them.

“We’re not leaving until you put on sunscreen.”

“I didn’t bring any-

“I did!”

Villain was interrupted by the taste of banana boat entering his open mouth as Hero sprayed him down with SPF.

Villain spit, gagging from the bitter aerosol assault.

Thouroghly protected from the sun, courtesy of the now-smiling Hero, Villain and Hero began their trek towards the put-in point. Halfway there, Villain stopped, searching for something he didn’t seem to find in Hero’s hands.

“Where’s the stick?” He asked, and Hero rolled their eyes.

“I was not paying five dollars for a stick. We can scavenge for one if it’s that important.”

Villain begrudgingly continued on. They made their way down to the water, wading out across the rocky river bed to an acceptable distance before falling gracefully boarding the tubes.

Just like that, they were off.

Their inter-tubes had been linked together by a nylon strap, so they floated in tandem. At first it was leisurely, feet hanging in the water and heads tilted back to gaze up at the tree canopy. That was, until, a sudden jerk had them stuck in place.

Their first obstacle.

A rock.

“You’re stuck!” Hero yelped, looking over at Villain, affronted at him for ruining the peaceful moment.

“No you’re stuck!”

Hero scoffed. They both looked around into the water, trying to locate the source of their sudden loss of momentum. Hero rocked to no avail, legitimizing their claim that this debacle was not their fault. Villain refused to move, so the hero grabbed the connecting strap.

Hero yanked hard, and the tubes spun free of the rock and caught the current again.

“I told you we needed sticks.”

“You didn’t even help!”

Hero leaned back, staring at the clear sky once again. Until Villain saw fit to once again ruin the moment.

“I think this journey is deserving of a soundtrack,” he spoke.

They pulled out a speaker from who-knows-where. In true villainous fashion, they pressed play at the highest volume, subjecting the entire river to their playlist.

“~I know, you wanted me to stay~”

“What is this?” Hero asked.

Villain gasped.

“You’ve never heard Pink Pony Club?!”

“Never heard what now?”

The villain didn’t answer, letting the singer answer for herself.

“~I’m gonna keep on dancing at the Pink Pony Club~”

“Is that the kind of club I think it is?! This is not appropriate-“

“If you want to hear not appropriate…” the villain cursed, and the Hero’s jaw dropped open, but he wasn’t looking at them.

“Villain!”

Villain snapped his mouth shut as he caught Hero’s gaze and saw the child floating by. He blushed at the glare shot to him by the kid’s guardian, who paddled them both by as quickly as possible.

“I see why you needed someone obligated to come with you. Clearly no one would do this willingly,” Hero stated, much to the chagrin of their tethered partner.

“Oh come on, its not that bad,”

“It’s not, you are.”

Ice cold water cascaded in drops over the Hero. They froze, then turned slowly to face the grinning villain.

He just splashed them. Like a toddler.

Taking the high road, they decided not to strike back, lest they be reduced to the low, low level of their criminal companion.

When Villain failed to get the reaction he wanted, he did it again, this time drenching the entirety of Hero’s lap.

Hero’s mouth gaped.

“Ugh, could it get more hot out?” Villain complained.

“Need I remind you this was your idea?”

“I’m melting, Hero.”

Hero saw the opportunity and took it. They wedged their feet under his tube and lifted up, flipping the inflatable with Villain still inside it. They never saw it coming, and thus were successfully dumped into the pocket of deeper water.

When Villain surfaced, they cut Hero a deadly glare.

“That wasn’t very heroic of you,” they said, pushing back their now-soaked hair.

Hero shrugged.

“You said you were hot. I just saved you from a heat stroke.”

Unfortunately for Hero, some retaliation was in order.

Another large(and several small) splashes later, and they were both overboard.

Both looking like seals trying to scale an iceberg, they eventually managed to climb back into their floatation devices.

All was calm, for all of five seconds.

A crescendo of a rushing sound alerted the pair that they were approaching a rapid.

Ahead, an outcropping of rocks bifurcated their path. On either side, a small cascade prevented smooth travel forward. Hero gestured to the widest side, and his companion nodded.

“I’m going down first,” Villain asserted, aggressively paddling one handed towards the right side of the river.

Hero startled as the angle of the tubes shifted as they were pulled towards the miniature waterfall.

“I don’t wanna go backwards!” They screeched.

In a panic, Hero unbuckled the tether between them.

No longer connected, Hero’s tube passed Villain’s by, following their chosen path smoothly.

Hero looked back to find Villain farther behind them than they should have been.

Unmoving.

They were stuck.

“Wiggle!” Hero called.

The villain managed a vague side to side movement.

“That’s not wiggling!” Hero yelled, exasperated. They were quickly approaching a bend, and they had to crane their neck back to catch sight of the villain.

“This IS wiggling!” They defended.

“THEN WIGGLE HARDER!”

Soon the Hero was out of sight, and Villain had to make the ego-crushing decision to leave his tube to try and displace it off the rock.

Hero only knew he had fallen flat on his face instead when the neon pink tube floated by, its occupant conspicuously absent.

A ridiculously long time later:

The two enemies crawled out of the river, collapsing side by side onto the bank.

One package of bandaids and several towels later, they spoke,

“We should do this again sometime.”

“Never.”

Achoo!

Hero was absolutely determined to enter the base unnoticed. They slunk through the shadows like a cat, graceful and assured. Every breath was carefully measured, every footfall quiet and even.

They slipped past the first door, then down a corridor. They followed it to the right, then paused to study the light filtering through the door frame at the end of the hall.

It sounded as if the TV was on, possibly some local news station. The light shifted colors as the broadcast presumably changed frames.

Perfect, the villain would be distracted.

Hero crept to a room on the right, pushing open the door slowly after spraying the hinges with a little lubricant to prevent them from squeaking.

Inside the room, as their eyes adjusted to the dark, Hero could see filing cabinets appear on the far wall.

Bingo.

They crept across the floor, sliding upon the top drawer of the first cabinet after picking the lock with a small kit they shoved back into their pocket.

They flipped through file after file, reaching, stacking, and scanning as fast as they dared.

Finally, they got to the alphabet range they believed the information they needed would be filed under. This cabinet looked particularly untouched, covered in a thick layer of dust that Hero crinkled their nose at.

Villain really should invest in a swiffer.

Lo and behold, the file they needed was inside, but unfortunately buried at the back. They finagled the paper folder out then clutched it tightly to their chest. Ready to leave, they applauded their own silence as the last drawer clicked shut.

Everything was going according to plan.

That was, until, they sneezed.

“Bless you.”

“Ah!”

Hero jumped, knocking over a stack of boxes and sending more particles into the air as a result. They whirled on the villain, who stood in the door frame with their arms crossed. They opened their mouth-and sneezed a second time.

And then a third.

“Bless you, bless you,” Villain chuckled.

Hero sniffed loudly then pointed an accusatory finger at the villain.

“You scared me!”

“I scared you. Which one of us showed up in the other’s base with no warning?” They asked, looking down the bridge of their nose at the hero.

Hero huffed, “I didn’t know I needed an invitation to infiltrate my enemy’s lair.”

“You don’t, not when you do it secretly.”

“I was being sneaky!” Hero defended.

“Right,” Villain shook their head, “And I assume that sneeze was strategic?”

“It’s not my fault you don’t clean!”

“Well,” the villain started, “since I caught you, I’m going to need you to put that file back.”

Hero hung their head in disappointment, but turned to place the Manila folder back anyway.

“What now?” They asked.

“Now, we get you a tissue, I suppose.”

A Rescue?

Hero was almost out of time.

Flames were licking at their heels as they turned, eyes burning and lungs quickly filling up with smoke as they narrowly avoided falling debris. They doubled over then tried running low, desperately searching for the exit. Silver caught their eye across the room, and they recognized it as the trim on the door they had come through.

Finally, after what felt like hours, Hero collapsed over the entrance threshold. A rescue worker was waiting, and Hero felt relief crash over them like a violent wave.

Only, Hero realized through watering eyes, the worker wasn’t in uniform.

They blinked, suddenly realizing the presence in front of them was yet another threat and not a helpful rescuer.

Villain.

“Oh I’m so dead.”

To their credit, Hero stepped forward anyway, landing a solid punch before they lost their footing and were dragged back against a solid chest.

Having just stumbled out of a burning building, the remainder of their energy was currently being spent coughing up smoke they had inhaled while desperately trying to find their escape. Thus, they could do nothing when their opponent spun around them, their reactions too sluggish and weak. They were held across the chest with their arms pinned to their sides. It wasn’t a great grip, but it didn’t have to be. They slumped in the hold.

“Rip.”

The villain chuckled, their chest lightly rumbling against the hero’s back.

“Don’t go writing your will just yet,” they replied while they shifted their grip to sling the hacking hero up over their shoulder.

“W-wh air,” Hero paused for a much needed breath. “Where are we going?”

They were lightheaded from the coughing fit, or maybe it was the upside down position they found themselves in now.

“Nowhere your pretty little head needs to be worried about.”

Despite themselves, Hero couldn’t help but act as if they believed them, closing their eyes and feeling the adrenaline drain out of them. It wasn’t like they could see anything but their enemy’s back anyway.

They were jostled with every step, adding to the discomfort of their burns and searing lungs.

Utterly exhausted, it took Hero a second to recognize the red and white lights that started flashing on the other side of their eyelids. Suddenly the world was tilting again and air fled their lungs as they were slammed down onto a suspiciously soft surface. Their eyes flew open, and they saw Villain hovering above them. They went to sit up, but a hand landed on their shoulder from behind.

“Relax,” Villain spoke, removing his hands from the blue sheets and retreating from the bed. Hero whipped their head around, trying to identify where they had landed.

They were lying on a stretcher, ambulance at their back. Before they knew it, a clear mask was descending upon their face. They felt the subtle gust of air over their nose and mouth and breathed in the oxygen the paramedic was providing.

In front of them, Villain was walking away, leaving Hero discarded in the hands of emergency personnel.

The hero’s mind spun, but their thoughts felt as if they were still clouded with smoke.

They were…safe?

As the EMTs took them away, they realized with a start that they had been caught at their weakest.

And then Villain let them go.

A ‘Cat-napping’

(Prompt by @autocrats-in-love : The hero stared at the villain with fire in their eyes. The villain feigned innocence, raising their eyebrows in surprise./“What brings you to my home?” The villain asked with fake confusion./“Give. Me. My. Cat. Back.” The hero said, loading their gun.)

Pistachio was missing.

Hero knew it from the second they entered the too-quiet apartment, hanging up their keys as an uneasy feeling settled over them. There was no ‘meow’ to greet them, no paws pattering against the floor to come demand their afternoon meal.

Pistachio would never miss a meal.

The hero did not even need to glance at the note left on the kitchen island. They knew exactly who was responsible. They also knew that there would be hell to pay for this egregious act of feline abduction.

They grabbed their gun from the bedroom safe and checked to make sure it was loaded.

One busted down door later, and the hero stared at the villain with fire in their eyes. Villain feigned innocence, raising their eyebrows in surprise.

“What brings you to my home?” They questioned with insincere confusion.

Hero was in no mood to play pretend.

“Give. Me. My. Cat. Back.” The hero ordered, pulling back the slide of their pistol with a click and chambering a round.

Villain stiffened in their chair, casual features flashing with fear at the hero’s abrupt action.

“I hope you’re here to negotiate-“

The cold metal of the barrel dug into the underside of the criminal’s chin, effectively shutting them up. Hero had been on them in a second, and it was clear they would be pulling no punches today.

“I’m here to do no such thing. Where is he?” The deadly-serious hero demanded.

Villain didn’t speak, but their eyes betrayed them, flicking to the doorway that led out of the living room and into a separate common space. Hero abandoned the fearful villain in favor of locating their furry companion.

The room they entered was…not what they expected. Perhaps they had imaged their feline son would be caged in a dingy basement, fed only the driest of cuisine, and endlessly yowling to be saved.

Instead, they laid eyes on a pet-lovers dream. A gigantic cat tree covered one wall, blurring the line between tree and straight up castle. On a lower branch, some kind of brush-plus-laser-pointer contraption could be seen.

Villain entered the room behind them, but stepped back when Hero threw them a glare that had them thinking it might be time to start picking out headstones.

Against another wall sat a grand purple cushion, complete with a tasseled canopy. Across from that bed sat a litter box that would be better described as a beach. The rest of the scratchable-looking carpet was littered with pet paraphernalia, feathers and small plush mouses galore.

Pistachio, in all his glory, sat unbothered at the bottom of a cardboard box sitting on the floor in the center of the extravagant set up.

Hero immediately rushed to his side.

There was no mistaking his trademark-white-fur-mustache, standing out against the sleek black that covered the rest of his body. He gazed up at the hero with wide-green eyes, not a worry in the world about being cat-napped and held for ransom.

When Hero scooped him up into their arms, gun long forgotten, he purred easily.

“Come on, Pistachio. Let’s get you home.”

As they pushed past the gobsmacked villain to exit the house, they muttered a threat that shall not be repeated.

Villain didn’t dare pet a hair out of place on Hero’s cat ever again.

For the Greater Good

(Hero POV)

I walked into the warehouse alone. No weapons, no mask, no backup.

Every rise of my feet felt like a climb up a mountain, every fall feeling like a step off a cliff. I could have sworn I didn’t take a single breath as I walked into the wide open space, crates and barrels scattered around in a typical warehouse fashion. The lights that remained on buzzed from the corner of what appeared to be a break room and from various machinery peppered by the garage-like doors.

I didn’t know exactly where I was going, just that I was supposed to be here, at this exact time.

I arrived on the block two hours early, and spent every last second before 2 o’clock alternating between pacing and curling up into a ball and rocking myself on the empty sidewalk. I finally stepped into what I estimated to be the middle of the space, virtually incapable of taking another step. My muscles quaked and I considered if I should just give in to the exhaustion and lie right here until someone came and got me. My pride suggested I stay upright, so I settled for a comprise of leaning heavily against the nearest weighted crate. I crossed my arms in what should have been a nonchalant appearance, but it was really just to keep my hands from shaking by my sides.

I took a few deep breaths and checked my watch.

2:02

God, I wanted to laugh. If there was any humor left in this situation I would have. I tried to keep my mind blank, waiting. But as the minutes ticked on, my determination waned.

I couldn’t leave.

Wouldn’t.

Lightheadedness swam through my brain, and I relented and lowered myself to the floor as black creeped in around my vision. I laid flat on the concrete ground, kicking my feet up onto the slats of the crate I was previously leaning against. The lights above me were dim, but I still closed my eyes in aversion to the brightness. I needed dark, calm. I needed to be anywhere else but here.

I checked my watch again, then pillowed my hands behind my head. Tears welled up in my eyes against my will.

2:05

Screw pride. Pride went out the window a long, long time ago.

I let the thin little salty rivers run freely down the sides of my face to pool uncomfortably at my ears. I was surrendering to my enemies, why not surrender to the tears too?

An eternity passed before footsteps finally echoed around the building. I didn’t bother to get up, not even to move. I didn’t bother to stop crying either, in fact the tears may have only gotten stronger as I stayed rooted in place.

“Sorry for the delay, we had to make sure you weren’t followed,” a voice announced itself. I didn’t turn towards it.

“You doing alright down there?” It asked, sounding infuriatingly genuine.

“Perfect. Never better,” I choked. There was no hiding the crack in my voice now.

“Shit dude, I didn’t think this would get to you that bad.”

What did you think was gonna happen? I was just gonna skip to your door with a couple of flowers and some handcuffs all gift wrapped for you with a wide ass smile on my face?

“Do you…need a minute?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

A minute or two passed before I gathered what was left of my composure. The tears stopped flowing and my head stopped swimming. I removed one boot after the other from the ledge they rested on and started the slow journey back to my feet.

“Ready?” The voice I finally matched with a sight asked. Henchman.

I sniffed, wiping my nose on my sleeve before nodding solemnly. This was by far the most courteous capture I’ve ever had the pleasure of falling victim to, hilarious given the circumstances.

“I’m gonna pat you down,” he warned, and I nodded my acknowledgment. Gentle hands brushed my body and found nothing, as promised. A light touch gripped my arm and pushed towards a path between the crates.

“Let’s go.”

We walked in silence for a while, I was too close to the emotional edge to break it. Henchman had no such reservations though.

“I could tell the guys the extra time was from a fight,” he suggested lightheartedly.

I merely shook my head.

“Yeah you’re right, probably a bad idea.”

Despite myself, a small smile crept past my lips. His words brought the only comfort I’d felt all day.

With every step I could feel my clarity returning.

I was going to be fine.

We walked out a side door and outside into the gravel, where it appeared a caravan awaited. I might have been flattered if I didn’t feel so damn helpless.

“One Hero, clean as promised,” I was presented to the arc of people gathered in various states of masked.

“You were supposed to secure them, Henchman,” Villain looked me up and down, then shot at annoyed look at the man at my side.

Henchman did not reply, only looking from me to the crowd closing in around us, then back to me and returning to Villain knowingly. So I definitely looked as bad as I felt; it was nice to know my face was making its debut red-blotched and tear stained no doubt with the edition of heavy bags under the eyes.

Villain simply shook his head, then stepped forward to grab me.

“Wait,” called another voice, and I struggled to identify its origin until a blue and gray clad person stepped forward. “How do we know it’s them?”

He stared at me in blatant disbelief, and I found the energy to be a little offended.

Like anyone else would do this. Like I would take the risk to let them.

Various people exchanged looks, and I struggled to believe that no one had actually thought this part through. Several looks pinned me down expectantly, and I also found the power to be a little bit annoyed.

Of course their lack of foresight would become my responsibility.

Nonetheless, my eyes roamed the crowd, before pinning down an unsuspecting figure in a suit with red chrome outlines. I pointed to them, before pulling down the collar of my shirt to reveal a thick pink scar stretching horizontally about an inch below my collarbone. Chrome stepped closer through the crowd to see, then nodded his approval. Villain stepped forward to grab me once more, but he was stopped by someone decked out in forest green.

“Your hand,” they indicated, and I brought up my arm to reveal the back of my right hand and yanked down my sleeve so they could trace the jagged scar carved down to middle of my forearm.

“That enough? Are y’all convinced?” I spun around, pinning several people right back with their own gazes. I seemed nothing like the person on the warehouse floor.

No, with every passing second, I was feeling more and more like a hero.

I guess they were in fact convinced, because I was finally escorted into an SUV and placed in the middle of a bench seat sandwiched between Villain and a larger man I barely recognized. The whole process was pretty ego-inflating honestly.

Unfortunately, Villain did finally get his wish of restraining me after the car had rolled to a stop and I was transferred into a building via an underground garage.

I didn’t think.

Couldn’t.

My fate was in the hands of my enemies, and I had just handed it over.

Chomp

Hero found themselves in quite a precarious position, swinging upside down with their foot caught in a snare.

Now, this wasn’t exactly uncommon for them. Getting caught in a trap was nothing new. Such was the perilous life of a hero after all. What was unusual, though, was the pit of crystal clear water beneath them.

Oh, and the dozen or so sharks swimming around in it.

They were suspended over a pool fit for Olympic swimming. Hero was no marine biologist, but they were pretty sure those sleek grey fish weren’t dolphins.

Coarse rope dug into their ankle, but Hero found they didn’t mind too much. They had the core strength to be able to reach the knot but, unfortunately, untying it would probably send them plummeting into the water, and Hero wasn’t particularly up for such a literal swim with the fishes today.

Deciding to save their strength, Hero hung limp, tucking their shirt into their pants and leaving their arms to flop loosely with gravity.

Soon, the one responsible for their current predicament made themselves known from the ground.

“Welcome, Hero!” The villain’s voice boomed excitedly.

There was no catwalk, nothing covering the top of the tank. That left Villain to stand next to the glass at the bottom and having to yell up the dangling hero.

Before Hero could think to ask what they were doing here, Villain answered unprompted, “I wanted to show you my new collection!”

“Is this…legal?” Hero questioned, the words difficult to form with the blood rushing to their head.

“Absolutely not!” The villain exclaimed.

Right. That was probably the point.

“Are they…ok?”

Hero blinked hard, trying to stay present in the conversation.

“Who? Bruce, Anchor, Chum, Brooklyn, Barbara, Mark, Lori, Robert, Kevin, Lennie, Daymond, Nado, and Krill?

Their processing was gradually slowing down but those names seemed…oddly familiar.

“The…the sharks.”

Hero supposed they didn’t look too unhappy, chilling in their own space, not circling for an impending meal. Hero certainly couldn’t claim animal cruelty with the size of the aquarium. The oversized fish must be well fed to be able to coexist like this, which was…concerning for the hero, to say the least.

Their vision blurred as they watched a pointed fin breach the surface.

They realized belatedly that they were about to pass out.

“And they’re just fine with each other?”

“Oh, you see, that’s where my new invention comes in-“

The sound of Villain’s voice faded out as Hero’s consciousness slipped away.

…

They awoke to the sight of teeth flashing in front of them. They tried to scramble back before their brain could process the several-feet thick wall between them and the apex predator.

“You’ve been quite a rude guest.”

Hero turned to the source of the voice, finding Villain standing over them. The rope that had previously entrapped just one ankle now looped both feet together, as well as connecting both their wrists.

“I’m…sorry?” Hero spoke carefully.

That seemed like a reasonable answer, given their ultimate goal of not ending up as chum.

“You fainted before I could finish my monologue,” Villain pouted, crossing their arms and looking down at the Hero sitting against the wall of the tank.

“That’s…uh, my bad,” Hero answered, preoccupied with wondering when the sharks’ last meal was.

“Please, continue.”

Villain crouched down, looking intently into the Hero’s eyes as they started to explain.

“First, you have to understand the aggression patterns of bull sharks vs those of great whites and tigers…”

And that’s how Hero learned way more about Selachimorpha than they ever wished to know.