The Entire River Does Not Want To Hear Your Music - Tumblr Posts
Hero and Villain Go Tubing
They got an early start, arriving at the water mid-morning bright-eyed and eager.
Well, at least one of them was.
“Remind me again why you made this a stipulation of our neutrality deal,” Hero groaned.
They stood upon a rock overlooking a semi-shallow green river with their ecstatic nemesis by their side.
A toothy grin spread across the villain’s face in response.
“It’ll be fun!”
For Hero, that was yet to be determined.
The hero’s swim trucks were adorned with cartoon flamingos. When questioned, Hero had asserted that they were a gift, and they didn’t go swimming often enough to own a second pair. Villain was dressed in more ‘tasteful’ swimwear, a dark blue rash guard and green shorts.
Hero sighed, “You brought the tubes, right?”
“They come with the tickets, we just give them back when we get out,” Villain explained.
“Tickets?” Hero questioned, “We’re paying for this?”
“Of course not!” Villain assured, then corrected, “You’re paying for this.”
Obviously, Hero had not bothered to read the fine print on the contract they signed.
They begrudgingly made their way to the ticket building across the street, mumbling something about ‘touristicification’ and good-old-fashion private waterways. Hero returned with a tube on each arm. One a cool blue, the other a neon pink.
Villain reached for the blue, but was swatted away by Hero not-so-gently flinging the pink tube at him.
Villain scowled, but inwardly he may have smiled.
Hero didn’t need to know that, though.
They took a step towards the water access before Hero’s voice interrupted them.
“We’re not leaving until you put on sunscreen.”
“I didn’t bring any-
“I did!”
Villain was interrupted by the taste of banana boat entering his open mouth as Hero sprayed him down with SPF.
Villain spit, gagging from the bitter aerosol assault.
Thouroghly protected from the sun, courtesy of the now-smiling Hero, Villain and Hero began their trek towards the put-in point. Halfway there, Villain stopped, searching for something he didn’t seem to find in Hero’s hands.
“Where’s the stick?” He asked, and Hero rolled their eyes.
“I was not paying five dollars for a stick. We can scavenge for one if it’s that important.”
Villain begrudgingly continued on. They made their way down to the water, wading out across the rocky river bed to an acceptable distance before falling gracefully boarding the tubes.
Just like that, they were off.
Their inter-tubes had been linked together by a nylon strap, so they floated in tandem. At first it was leisurely, feet hanging in the water and heads tilted back to gaze up at the tree canopy. That was, until, a sudden jerk had them stuck in place.
Their first obstacle.
A rock.
“You’re stuck!” Hero yelped, looking over at Villain, affronted at him for ruining the peaceful moment.
“No you’re stuck!”
Hero scoffed. They both looked around into the water, trying to locate the source of their sudden loss of momentum. Hero rocked to no avail, legitimizing their claim that this debacle was not their fault. Villain refused to move, so the hero grabbed the connecting strap.
Hero yanked hard, and the tubes spun free of the rock and caught the current again.
“I told you we needed sticks.”
“You didn’t even help!”
Hero leaned back, staring at the clear sky once again. Until Villain saw fit to once again ruin the moment.
“I think this journey is deserving of a soundtrack,” he spoke.
They pulled out a speaker from who-knows-where. In true villainous fashion, they pressed play at the highest volume, subjecting the entire river to their playlist.
“~I know, you wanted me to stay~”
“What is this?” Hero asked.
Villain gasped.
“You’ve never heard Pink Pony Club?!”
“Never heard what now?”
The villain didn’t answer, letting the singer answer for herself.
“~I’m gonna keep on dancing at the Pink Pony Club~”
“Is that the kind of club I think it is?! This is not appropriate-“
“If you want to hear not appropriate…” the villain cursed, and the Hero’s jaw dropped open, but he wasn’t looking at them.
“Villain!”
Villain snapped his mouth shut as he caught Hero’s gaze and saw the child floating by. He blushed at the glare shot to him by the kid’s guardian, who paddled them both by as quickly as possible.
“I see why you needed someone obligated to come with you. Clearly no one would do this willingly,” Hero stated, much to the chagrin of their tethered partner.
“Oh come on, its not that bad,”
“It’s not, you are.”
Ice cold water cascaded in drops over the Hero. They froze, then turned slowly to face the grinning villain.
He just splashed them. Like a toddler.
Taking the high road, they decided not to strike back, lest they be reduced to the low, low level of their criminal companion.
When Villain failed to get the reaction he wanted, he did it again, this time drenching the entirety of Hero’s lap.
Hero’s mouth gaped.
“Ugh, could it get more hot out?” Villain complained.
“Need I remind you this was your idea?”
“I’m melting, Hero.”
Hero saw the opportunity and took it. They wedged their feet under his tube and lifted up, flipping the inflatable with Villain still inside it. They never saw it coming, and thus were successfully dumped into the pocket of deeper water.
When Villain surfaced, they cut Hero a deadly glare.
“That wasn’t very heroic of you,” they said, pushing back their now-soaked hair.
Hero shrugged.
“You said you were hot. I just saved you from a heat stroke.”
Unfortunately for Hero, some retaliation was in order.
Another large(and several small) splashes later, and they were both overboard.
Both looking like seals trying to scale an iceberg, they eventually managed to climb back into their floatation devices.
All was calm, for all of five seconds.
A crescendo of a rushing sound alerted the pair that they were approaching a rapid.
Ahead, an outcropping of rocks bifurcated their path. On either side, a small cascade prevented smooth travel forward. Hero gestured to the widest side, and his companion nodded.
“I’m going down first,” Villain asserted, aggressively paddling one handed towards the right side of the river.
Hero startled as the angle of the tubes shifted as they were pulled towards the miniature waterfall.
“I don’t wanna go backwards!” They screeched.
In a panic, Hero unbuckled the tether between them.
No longer connected, Hero’s tube passed Villain’s by, following their chosen path smoothly.
Hero looked back to find Villain farther behind them than they should have been.
Unmoving.
They were stuck.
“Wiggle!” Hero called.
The villain managed a vague side to side movement.
“That’s not wiggling!” Hero yelled, exasperated. They were quickly approaching a bend, and they had to crane their neck back to catch sight of the villain.
“This IS wiggling!” They defended.
“THEN WIGGLE HARDER!”
Soon the Hero was out of sight, and Villain had to make the ego-crushing decision to leave his tube to try and displace it off the rock.
Hero only knew he had fallen flat on his face instead when the neon pink tube floated by, its occupant conspicuously absent.
A ridiculously long time later:
The two enemies crawled out of the river, collapsing side by side onto the bank.
One package of bandaids and several towels later, they spoke,
“We should do this again sometime.”
“Never.”