nerdyparker616

kei

586 posts

Digging Your Own Grave Nikolai G.

Digging Your Own Grave — nikolai g.

— synopsis :: you've seen a lot in your time as a psychiatrist, but nothing you've seen before would prepare you for your time treating nikolai (cw: gn!reader (mostly), reader is nikolai's psychiatrist, mentions of suicide/self harm, suggestive content, yandere, murder, death threats, mention of fyodor, mentions dazai if you squint really hard)

"Morning, Doctor" You were happily greeted by one of the nurses at the main desk of your floor of Yokohama's Adult Psychiatric Ward.

There were two types of nurses in mental health care, those who were born to care for people and brighten their lives, and those who clearly didn't care about anyone's soul but their own. You were lucky enough to work with the first in that list. "Good Morning" You grinned back at her, pouring yourself a cup of coffee from the pot that sat behind the desk.

"Oh, the head wanted to let you know, some of your appointments have been moved around today. Gogol got out of administrative segregation late last night, so we prioritized his appointment"

You took a long sip of your coffee, smiling a bit, progress in your patients were always good news for you. "What time was his appointment scheduled?" You asked her. The nurse's eyebrows furrowed, before she turned to her computer and typed a few things.

"Right now that time is just listed as.. well basically whenever they can get him to you. It looks like every other appointment is going to fall in after that." She answered. This news didn't frustrate you, this came around quite often. The goal of the institution was to make recovery and progress as peaceful and less stressful on the patients as possible. Forcing them to uproot their schedules and what they're doing for their own self care for their therapy sessions would add to the already high levels of stress that came with being in a psych ward. It would do more harm than good, so it came around very often that sessions would be scheduled for 'whenever the patient feels like coming to you'

"Lovely. Do you happen to know what he's up to right now?" You asked her.

She thought for a moment, "Last I checked, his watch was taking him to the showers to clean up, and then he was going to take him down to the cafeteria for breakfast"

"Perfect, please see if he can come meet me after he finishes his meal. And do you know if he's had his meds yet?" You asked, slightly leaning over the nurses shoulder to look at her screen as she once again typed things into the system.

"Looks like he hasn't, guess that's your job again. Isn't that just lovely, huh doctor" She smiled up at you. You hummed in approval as you took another drink of your coffee.

"Thank you again, please have someone walk Gogol up to me once he's ready" You requested as you began walking towards your office.

"Will do" The nurse responded, waving to you as you headed down to your room. You entered your office and set your coffee mug down on your desk, starting to tidy up a bit. You had worked late last night, filling out some last minute paperwork, and hadn't been able to organize your space.

Your office was a cozy room, always the perfect temperature, with neutral colored paint covering the walls, and a soft carpet that your shoes sunk into, just slightly. There was a large window on the wall furthest from the door, allowing an abundance of natural light into the room, and a view to the world outside. Of course, given the patients you worked with, and the level of the building you were on, the window was of a bulletproof material instead of glass. A safety precaution to keep your patients from throwing themselves out the window. Aside from your desk, there were two soft plush couches that faced each other on either side of a small wooden coffee table. You did your best to make your office a place that your patients could find safety, peace and comfort in. You hoped you had succeeded in that.

You were pulled out of your thoughts by a knock on your office door, you called for the guest to come in, and the door opened, revealing a young male nurse, followed by your next patient. "I brought Gogol for you" The nurse announced, weakly gesturing to the tall man behind him. He was clearly not happy with his predicament, it was difficult to get watch nurses to stay with Nikolai for very long.

"Oh come on! Don't be so formal!" Nikolai remarked, slapping the back of the scrub-clad nurse in front of him.

"Hand to yourself, Gogol" You scolded, sometimes you did feel like you were treating your patients like children, but sometimes it was the best way to remind them of rules they needed to follow. Nikolai raised his hands and heard his head, in a gesture of surrender.

"Sorry 'bout that Doctor" He apologized, you couldn't tell if it was a genuine apology, or him being goofy.

"Shall we start the session?" You asked, indicating that the nurse was to leave, and Nikolai to step into your office. The door closed behind the tall man, and you sat yourself down on one of the couches in the room, moving your hand towards the couch across from you to invite Nikolai to sit. He walked across the room in a few strides, before dramatically plopping himself down on the cushions. You pulled a tape recorder out of your coat pocket, "Do I have your permission to record this session?" You asked, recording sessions with patients, especially those like Nikolai who had been reported to be violent or display unpredictable behavior. Though you were legally required to ask for their permission, and were forbidden to record if they denied you said permission.

Luckily for you, Nikolai was never against you recording your sessions. "You always do. Why do you still ask me every time?" He asked

You pressed the button to start the recording, and set the tape on the table between you. "It's the law. I'll lose my job if I record without your permission" You explained, standing up to move towards the medicine cabinet in your office, unlocking it with a key from your pocket.

"So if I say you recorded without my permission, and they believe me, you'll lose your job?" He asked, he seemed almost excited.

"Well, technically. But you wouldn't do that, would you Nikolai" You glanced over at him, he had a massive grin across his face.

"Wouldn't dream of it, doll"

"Lovely. Now, can you tell me your full name, and date of birth?" You asked him, pulling his bottles of pills from the large cupboard.

"Nikolai Vasilyevich Gogol! Born April First!" He declared proudly.

"Very good." You pulled the correct dose of each pill from the bottles, and locked them back up again. "Do you know where you are?" You asked, filling a small paper cup with water from a cooler that stood next to the medicine cabinet.

"The Yokohama Adult Psychiatric Ward" He answered, his tone a bit sing-song-like.

"Great job. Here are your meds" You said, placing the pills into his hand. He tossed them into his mouth, and swallowed them down with the water. You walked to your desk and pulled a small flashlight from the drawer.

'`Open" You requested, pointing the light towards his mouth. He opened his mouth wide with an over the top 'ahh' noise. He lifted his tongue as you pointed the light to different parts of his mouth to check if he had actually swallowed the pills. "Great job" You turned the light off, and placed the torch in your coat pocket. You sat back down on your couch, and picked up a small notepad and pen. "So, what are you wanting to talk about today?" You asked him.

Nikolai thought for a moment, before he shrugged. "I don't know"

"Well, can we talk about why you went into administrative segregation?" You asked him, trying to prompt a conversation. Nikolai was typically open to talking in your sessions, in fact he talked quite a bit, even if it wasn't about his mental health, but every now and then it did take some prompting from you to get him going.

"You mean solitary?" It was less than a question, and showed how unhappy he was with the situation.

"Yes. Whatever you would like to call it. Do you want to talk about that?" You asked him again. "I heard about what happened, you got aggressive when they tried to take you down there."

"Of course I did!" He shouted, "I hate it there! They lock me in a tiny room, with no windows, and a big metal door! And all the walls are padded, and I know they haven't been cleaned ever because they're sticky, and they smell like death! The room they put me in this time had some weird stains on the wall, and I've seen a whole lot of blood before Doctor. They tried to tell me it wasn't blood. Shit, they might as well have put me in a straight jacket. I bet you they wanted to, the way they were whispering outside my door"

You scribbled down some notes, and Nikolai quickly continued. "And I can admit that maybe a few times I deserved to go in there. But I didn't even do anything this time!" He shouted

"From what I heard, you were making sexual remarks to a nurse" You said, you didn't know the full story, as you hadn't been able to talk to Nikolai himself yet.

"I called her doll!" He shouted, he was beyond irritated. "I call everyone a doll! She told me it was time for dinner, and I said 'thank you, doll' and then I'm in the middle of eating dinner and the big guys came in and took me away!"

You nodded. "Nikolai, I understand that you feel like you did nothing wrong, but that nurse felt uncomfortable. We hold the safety of our employees very high here" You tried your best not to take sides in anything, you were here for support and to give the help you had studied and were trained to give. Your job was not to take sides, or enable, or disable, anyone.

"Okay!? But what about me! Other patients make me feel uncomfortable all the time! Nothing happens to them!" He shouted, throwing his arms up in the air. "Like that new god damned roommate I have!! The guy with the brown hair, he asks all the female nurses to kill themselves with him, and he doesn't get put into solitary?! But I call a nurse 'doll' ONE TIME!! And! He fucking stinks, our whole room has reeked since he moved in"

"That's different Nikolai" The minute you said the words you knew you picked the wrong ones.

"How is it different!?" He yelled, his voice was only raising. "Wait a minute, actually. Don't answer that. You think I'm fucking insane don't you! You think I don't deserve to be treated right because I've lost my mind!" His eyes were wide and his pupils looked like they were shaking.

"You know that isn't true, alright. Calm down, please. This place is here to help you, and you've been here long enough to know that. And I'll try to see if your room can be switched if you're really that unhappy with the situation. We want you to be comfortable, but we also need to keep everyone here safe" You said calmly. Nikolai let out a deep exhale and relaxed back into the couch. You gave him a few moments to collect himself before you continued. "You know what we've never talked about before?" Nikolai just raised his eyebrows in response. "Where are you from? We've never talked about your upbringing?"

Nikolai slouched down in the seat and shrugged. "I was born in Ukraine, I don't know. It's not really interesting" You let out a small sigh, and scribbled some notes on your notepad again. Usually getting into the childhood of your patients was the best way to get to their root of what brought them to you. But when it came to Nikolai, it was near impossible to get that information out of him, no matter how much you tried to push to get it.

Nikolai stood up, and walked over to the window of your office, looking out of it. "You wanna know something doctor?" He asked

"Whatever you want to share with me"

"I don't actually belong in here" He said, leaning against the windowsill crossing his arms. "I'm completely sane, believe it or not" His voice was calm, and soft, a tone you've never heard Nikolai use, in the almost year of your treating him.

"You think so?" You asked

"I know so. I know that what I do is wrong, and I know exactly why it's wrong. I feel bad for what I've done, deep down I really do feel guilty"

You raised your brow towards him. "Really now?" Not only were you incredibly interested in what you were saying, this is the most Nikolai had really opened up in this way. "Do you want to talk about that more? You shot a man point blank in the middle of a crowded shopping mart. Did you know him at all?"

Nikolai shook his head. "I didn't know him" He answered, "Had never seen him before in my life. I felt bad, I really did. I think he may have had a kid with him."

"He did. So if you feel bad about what you do, why do you do it? And if you know that you're sane, why did you take the insanity plea"

Nikolai turned around to face you and smiled "Because I knew if I did I'd be brought here to see your pretty little face!" So close.

"Sit back down, Nikolai" You said, disregarding his comment. He followed your request, and sat back down on the edge of the couch.

"I am being serious though. Nobody believes me, but I am sane. I haven't lost my mind, maybe it's a little off from what it's supposed to be, but I still have all the pieces to it" He leaned forwards to grab a puzzle cube from the small basket of fidget toys on the table between you. He started fiddling with it, making no attempt to actually solve the puzzle.

He wasn't entirely wrong about himself. You had been treating Nikolai for just under a year now, your first meeting being the very day he was admitted to the ward. After a few months of tri-weekly evaluations, you began picking up on various symptoms of bipolar disorder, as well as some form of PTSD. The trauma which caused it was still completely unknown to you. Nikolai had a way of talking a lot, yet never actually telling you anything. He knew exactly how to fill your meetings with banter that was just barely useful enough to you to figure out the basics, but never enough to give you any information on what may have changed his brain chemistry the way it's been changed.

Nikolai leaned back into the couch. "So are you married? Or single?" He asked you.

"Why do you want to know?" You asked. It was incredibly important that you kept things strictly professional between you and your patients. You've had many cases where patients have developed inappropriate feelings towards you, and you've been trained in catching the signs and turning the situation around before it progressed too far. If you were unable to, the patients were switched to a new provider. It's just how things worked in this field.

"No real reason. I just think, if we're talking all about me, and you're learning all of these things about me. I should be able to know at least a few things about you" He fiddled with his braid a bit. "Come on, indulge me just this once, and I'll answer any one question you have. And I'll be completely honest with you"

You were a bit skeptical, technically you weren't supposed to talk about your personal life with your patients. It wasn't against the rules, but it was implied to you that it was a bad idea. But you supposed that answering this one question wouldn't be harmful. "I actually got engaged a little over a year ago" You answered.

"Really?" Nikolai asked, he seemed shocked. "I've never seen you wear a ring"

"I don't wear it to work. Safety hazard" You explained. "Besides, I wouldn't want it getting lost or stolen"

Nikolai nodded, looking around the room. Something about his demeanor seemed like he was disappointed, or even upset, by your answer. "Huh... So,, what's your new name gonna be when you get married?" He asked

"Dostoevsky" You answered, you couldn't help but smile a little bit, which seemed to make Nikolai smile in return.

"That's a nice name. Is he, or she, russian?" He asked.

You nodded, "Yes, he is" You answered. "Now, I answered your question, so you answer mine. What was your childhood like?"

"He. Is that the only way you swing? Or is it like a both way sort of thing. Or all ways, like a rotating door?" He completely ignored your question.

"That's none of your business Nikolai" You said "Besides, our deal was one question. That would make it two questions, that wasn't what we agreed on. Now, answer my question. What was life like for you growing up?"

Nikolai's grin grew, and he leaned forwards across the table. "Wanna know a secret Doctor?" He asked, in a hushed whisper.

"What's your secret Nikolai?" You asked him, you knew what was coming. You should have known from the beginning.

"I was lying when I said I'd answer your question”

You sighed, "You know, Nikolai. You have to stop pulling these things on me"

"Why would I do that! Then these sessions would just be no fun!"

"You don't think it's fun to come see little old me?" You asked, with a little fake pout

"Oh, I love seeing you. Don't you worry your pretty little head about that Doctor"

You glanced up at the clock that hung on the wall behind Nikolai, "Well, I'm glad to hear that you enjoy these sessions, but it looks like we're out of time for this one. Is there anything else you want to talk about before you head out?" You asked him

He shook his head "Nope!" He said, popping the 'p' sound. "I talked about everything I wanted to talk about today"

"Alrighty then" You reached to grab the recorder from the table, and turned it off, ending the recording, and moved to grab the phone on your desk to call for someone to come escort Nikolai back to his room. Once you got a hold of the front desk and they let you know someone was there. When you turned around, you nearly jumped back onto your desk. Nikolai was so close to you that his nose was almost pressed against yours. "Jesus, Nikolai. Come on now, back up" He took a step back, and turned to look out the window.

"Do I really need an escort? I can behave myself" He said.

"Yes, you do. It's in the rules Nikolai" You said, sitting yourself behind your desk.

"Can you be my escort?" He asked, leaning over your desk. "If you know what I mean"

You eyed him, "Come on now, Nikolai. You know that isn't appropriate"

"Ugh, fine!" He groaned. "I'm sorry" His apology shocked you just a bit, he usually didn't apologize for his jokes.

"Don't worry about it, Nikolai. You're okay, let's just make sure we think before we speak." Right after your words, there was a knock on your office door, alerting you that Nikolai's watch nurse was there. "Come in" You called. The door opened and the nurse stepped in. "Alright Nikolai, I'll see you tomorrow, alright"

He smiled and waved towards you as he walked out of the office. You waved back, and watched as he left until the door closed. Once he was gone, you began going through the notes of the session, and filling out the general paperwork that came with your job.

The rest of the day was filled with more sessions, and more paperwork. It was a relatively calm day, and most of your patients had reported that they felt they were making progress, which always warmed your heart to hear. Eventually the work day ended, and you gathered your things from your office, to head down to the main floor to leave. As you were heading out, you passed various patients that greeted you as you were leaving. You were going to pass Nikolai's room, and at first thought nothing of it. If he didn't say anything to you, you weren't going to disrupt whatever it was he was doing.

When you actually passed his room though, you found him sitting on the edge of his bed, completely unmoving as he stared directly out the door. You stopped at his door, and knocked on the door frame. There was no response from him. "Hey, Nikolai" You tried to get his attention.

His head shook a bit, as he finally blinked back into reality. "Oh hey there Doctor!" He grinned, as if nothing was wrong.

"Is everything alright?" You asked him. He nodded, beaming brightly at you.

"Yep! Are you heading home for the night?" He asked you.

"Yeah I am, day's over for me" You answered.

"Well then, I'll see you tomorrow"

You nodded slowly, a bit concerned about his previous behavior, as well as the sudden shift in it. "I'll see you tomorrow" You left his room, and made one more stop at the front desk before leaving. You leaned over the counter, gesturing for the nurse to lean closer to you. She said, "Can you have someone look after Gogol extra closely tonight?" You whispered, "I checked up on him, he's displaying some behaviors that are concerning me"

She nodded "We'll get someone on his case right away"

You stood up straight again. "Thank you, have a good night"

"You too, (y/n)"

Your drive home was peaceful, you didn't live too far from the hospital you worked at, and you arrived home not too long after you left the building. You cut the car's engine, and stepped out, making your way up to the door. You unlocked the front door, and stepped inside. Letting yourself relax as you kick off your shoes, and set your bag down. You heard shuffling from the kitchen, and quickly made your way to the room. Your heart almost melted as you saw the dining room table filled with food, your fiancé was standing over the counter, fixing up drinks for the two of you. "Welcome home" He sent a small smile in your direction. "I made dinner for us"

"I can see that. Thank you, Fedya" You walked towards him, letting him wrap your arms around you.

"How was your day?" He asked, kissing the top of your head.

"It was alright, nothing too eventful" You answered, it was difficult to tell your future husband about your days, given the laws of confidentiality around your field of employment. "How was your day?"

"It was alright, busy and boring. You know, the usual '' He answered. In the recent months, he had become bored and irritated with his job. He did his best to not let it affect your relationship, but every now and then, very rarely, it came around. "How about we eat"

You nodded. "That sounds great. I forgot lunch today" You chuckled a bit.

"Well then, eating will definitely be the best idea" He kissed the top of your head again, and let go of you to move to the dinner table. In his typical gentleman fashion, he pulled a chair out for you, pushing you into the table, before taking his own seat.

"What did you make?" You asked, looking over the table, there was a fancy serving bowl in the center of the table, it was filled with soup with a clear-yellowish broth.

"It's called Shchi. It's a type of cabbage soup" He answered, dishing up bowels for both of you. He handed you your bowel, and you took it from his hands. It was warm, and started to burn after being in your hands for too long.

"Thank you for making dinner" You said, gently blowing on a spoonful of the soup.

"Of course, my love" He smiled softly at you from across the table. You strung up casual conversation over dinner, talking about your days some more, and making plans for upcoming weekends, and other such things. Meals were always a calm and peaceful time, even with the busy schedules that both of you had, you always made sure meals were completely free of anything from work, or other stressors, leaving the time for the two of you to connect again.

Since it was Fyodor who made dinner, you took the task of cleaning up. As you cleaned the kitchen, and cleared the table from dinner, Fyodor was getting ready for bed, and setting up your alarm system, as you always did before you slept or left the house. When everything was cleaned, and the dishes were put away, you went to the bathroom to shower, and got yourself dressed for bed. As you were brushing your teeth, Fyodor came behind you, wrapping his arm around your waist. He pressed little kisses against the side of your neck. "Hey, Hey. Stop it, that tickles" Fyodor hummed into your neck as a response.

"Hurry up and get to bed" He muttered. You spit out the toothpaste and rinsed and wiped your mouth. You turned around in his grip so you were facing him.

"Why the rush? Do you have plans or something?" You teased me.

Fyodor lifted his head to look at you, a little smirk across his face. "I might. Would you like to find out"

"I would love to find out" Fyodor slid his hands down behind your thighs, and picked you up, holding you under your ass, he carried you to the bed, and set you down, laying over you. He leaned down, pressed kissing starting at your lips, down to your chest, moving your night top out of his way. You felt a knot tighten in your lower stomach, and heat started to rise between your legs.

Then the phone rang. You looked over to the nightstand, and saw it was your work phone, which was only called in emergencies. "Oh, Fyodor, get up. It's the office" You said, tapping Fyodor's side. He got off you, standing near the edge of the bed, as you went to answer the phone. Before you could even get out the usual greeting, the person on the other line began speaking, they were clearly frightened, and they were speaking fast, and frantically. "(y/n)!" They yelled "We need you to come here now! I don't know what happened but Gogol is losing it, nobody has been able to stop him" There was a loud scream, and you heard what sounded like a gunshot. "He's asking for you! Please hurry up and get here! Please!"

You had no time to respond before the phone call ended, you wasted no time tossing the phone on the bed and moving to change out of your pajamas. "What's going on, (y/n)?" Fyodor asked, picking up on the frantic nature of the current scenario.

"Something's going on at work. One of my patients is having a psychotic break, or something" You explained "I have to go in to try and help. I'll be back later" You quickly kissed his cheek, before running out of the house and to your car. You completely disregarded traffic laws and speed limits as you made your way to the office. Once you were there, you cut the engine and ran inside, forgetting to lock your car in panic. You threw the ward doors open, and the scene you were met with was something you never expected to see in your years as a psychiatrist.

Nurses, patients, and your fellow doctors alike were all on the ground completely lifeless. The once pristine walls and floors were stained bright red. It seemed like everyone on your floor was dead. You looked around the room, until your eyes landed on Nikolai. He was sitting with his legs crossed on the counter in front of the nurses desk, a single cowering nurse curled on the ground in front of him. His attire was covered in the same bright red that the room was, and in his hand was a small handgun. The nurse on the ground looked up and saw you. "(y/n)! Thank God you're here!! We don't know where he got the gun, he's going crazy-" He was cut off by a sharp jab to his side from Nikolai's foot.

"I'm not crazy!" He yelled "I'm not crazy!! You're the crazy one! Tell them (y/n)! Tell them I'm not crazy!" He turned to you, his eyes were blown completely wide and bloodshot. You stayed where you were.

"Nikolai. Where did you get the gun?" You asked him, trying your absolute best to stay calm, despite the complete terror you were in.

"I've had it this whole time!" He said proudly, jumping off the counter nearly missing landing on the nurse who was still on the ground. "But everyone here was too fucking stupid to notice it!! Except you." He walked towards you, reaching his hand out until it was resting on the side of your face. Far too gentle given what he had just done. "Except you. You're the only one here who deserves to live past tonight."

"Nikolai. What's going on? Let's please, just calm down and talk"

"I am calm!" He yelled, before taking a deep breath. "I am calm. I am" He repeated, his voice was much softer this time.

"Alright, you're calm" You said, "Can you please hand me the gun, and we can talk. You can tell me everything you need to tell me, and we'll figure this out okay" You slowly began reaching out to try and grab the gun from him.

"No!" He held the gun in the air, above where you could reach it. "No! I'm going to keep it!"

"Okay" Your hands were shaking, and you realized that you were no longer able to cover up how afraid you were. "You can keep it, but talk to me, Nikolai. Tell me what's going on" You were not prepared for a situation like this, never in a million years would you expect that you would need to be.

"We can't talk here!" He yelled. "We don't meet in the middle of the hallway! We will meet in your office!"

"Do you want to go to my office?" You asked him.

He nodded. "Yes" There was something about the way he said it, you couldn't quite put your finger on it, but it made your gut twist with some mix of potent discomfort and fear that made you want to vomit.

"Alright, let's go to my office. You know where it is, would you like to lead the way" Your voice was clearly shaking, you had no energy or mind to try and hide it.

"Don't try and cop me out like that!!" He yelled. "That's not how it goes! No! You're supposed to have your cup of coffee, and it's always in the same cup, and you're sitting in your office, and the nurse brings me to you! That's how this is supposed to go!"

Your eyebrows furrowed together. Why of all things was your coffee cup his concern right now? How could that be anyone's concern? Any sane person at least.

"So go!" He was gripping the sides of his head, handfuls of his hair held tightly in his fists. "Go make a cup of coffee, and go to your office. And the nurse will bring me to you! That's how our sessions are supposed to go!"

"Alright. We'll do that, but can I have the gun please?" You asked

"No! If you have it, you won't give it back" He shouted "Just go make a god damn cup of coffee so we can have our session!"

You put your hands up in a defensive manner. "Alright, if you stay, and don't move until you come to my office. I will do whatever you want, okay"

Nikolai nodded, and watched as you carefully walked over to the nurses desk, cautious to not trip over the many bodies that laid across the ground. Once you were behind the desk you turned on the coffee pot, keeping a careful eye on Nikolai. So far, he had listened to your request not to move. The coffee seemed to take forever to brew, but finally there was enough for you to fill your usual cup. "Now go to your office, this nurse here is gonna take me to you once you're there" Nikolai said, pointing to the shaking nurse with the gun in his hand.

"Put the gun down," you said sternly. It was still your priority to protect the nurses who worked under you, despite how afraid you were. Nikolai looked at his hand, and chuckled.

"I didn't even realize it." He said, lowering his hand. "Now go on, don't keep me waiting" His mood had so drastically changed from what it was before you had made your coffee. Your legs were shaking as you made your way down to your office, you closed the door behind you and tried to catch your breath before Nikolai came in. It was definitely easier said than done, every exhale came with the threat of bursting into tears. Something you absolutely could not do at the moment.

Eventually, you heard footsteps getting closer to your door. You heard a weak knock on the door, and it opened slowly. The nurse and Nikolai were at the door. "Thank you very much, nurse" Nikolai said with a smile so large it was almost inhuman. It happened in the blink of an eye, as Nikolai raised the gun and shot the nurse in the head. You let out an involuntary scream, quickly covering your mouth with your hand.

Nikolai used his foot to move the limp body out of the doors way, and pushed it closed before turning to you. "Don't worry, Doctor" He said, "You're safe" He put his hand on your face again. "I'd never do anything to hurt you"

You nodded, "Do you want to take a seat?" You asked him.

"I would love to take a seat. You're so kind to offer that, my dear" He grinned, walking over to take a seat on the usual couch. "Go on, you know how these things work. You sit on your couch, I sit on mine, and we have a little chit-chat. Nothing different than the talk we had this morning"

This morning. It was hard to believe that less than twelve hours ago you were sitting with a perfectly coherent mind, and for sense of the word he seemed to be just fine. You couldn't wrap your head around how quickly everything shifted. God, would you live to go home? Were you going to be able to get married? Or have kids? What if you didn't even make it out of this session. How truthful was Nikolai being when he said he wouldn't hurt you?

"I SAID SIT DOWN!" Nikolai snapped you out of your thoughts, and you quickly moved to sit down, nearly tripping over your own feet. "Thank you for being such a compliant Doctor. You're being so good, making this so easy for me"

You nodded. "Explain what's going on Nikolai? Did something happen?" You asked.

"Oh goodness. Where do I begin?" He beamed, leaning back over the back of the couch. "I guess you happened, Doctor. Can I just call you (y/n). Calling you doctor makes me feel so upset"

"You can call me whatever you'd like" In any other circumstance, you would have given him permission to call you by your name, there were no rules saying he had to call you 'doctor' he chose to do that all on his own, but you never would have said he could chose to call you whatever he chose. Your relationship had to of course be friendly, to keep things comfortable, but you also had to be strictly professional.

"That's so great!" He laughed loudly, like he was full of some type of sick joy.

"What do you mean, I happened?" You asked him.

Nikolai looked directly at you, giving you a look that felt like he was staring right into your soul. "I'm in love with you, (y/n). I've been so completely in love with you since I walked through those doors a year ago, "he said. "But you don't love me. You're always so nice to me, so gentle, and caring. I don't deserve those things, but you give them to me anyways. Yet every time I try to make an advancement towards you, you shut me down. 'what what you say, nikolai' or 'that's not appropriate, nikolai' or 'let's keep things professional' You act like you care about me, but you don't!" His voice rose as he spoke, his frustration increasing. "You play with my brain, you play with my heart, you act like you love me, you act like you care about me. But then you tell me you can't love me?!"

"Nikolai. Look, I do care about you. I care about all of my patients-"

"SHUT UP!" Nikolai cut you off "Shut up!! You don't care about me! You don't! You care about me because you get paid to care about me! You HATE ME!"

You opened your mouth, but closed it again, both too afraid to speak, and not sure what to even say.

"Did you expect me not to snap?! I'm so in love with you, and you" He paused, gripping at his hair again. "You can't love me! You love someone else! You'll never really love me! You don't know how to care about anyone but yourself!"

His eyes widened when he heard what he said. "No, no, no!" He yelled, hitting his forehead with his palm. "No, I don't mean that! Fucking stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid!" He hit his head with each word. "You aren't like that. You, you're the best person I've ever met. You're the best person who's ever blessed this god forsaken earth. I didn't mean what I said, please forgive me!"

You rose from your seat, and walked over to him, grabbing his hands to keep him from hitting himself. Things were starting to fall in place now "Nikolai, listen to me" You looked him in the eye, unfolding the fingers that were wrapped around the gun, and set it on the table. "I do care about you, okay. I care about every single person I've ever treated. You're very special to me, all of my patients are. Working with you, and seeing the progress you've made has been an absolute gift this past year." You explained, sitting down next to him, keeping his hands in yours. Part to comfort him, but mostly to keep him from grabbing the gun again.

"But you don't love me" His voice was a whimper now, soft and almost broken sounding.

You took a deep breath before answering, you didn't know how to continue in a way where you could be honest, but without upsetting him more. "I do love you, Nikolai. But not in the way you want me to, I can't love you in the way you want me to" You explained, you felt his hands tense under yours, and gave them a tight squeeze, quickly continuing your words. "You are a great person. You're funny, and a lot smarter than you give yourself credit for. I've come to learn so much about you, and you're one of the most interesting people I've ever met. If you weren't my patient, I would have loved to be good friends with you. I love and care about you in the way friends love each other."

You really weren't sure if your words were helping, Nikolai didn't seem to be relaxing at all. His eyes narrowed, "Like a friend?" He asked, his voice rough, sharp, and harsh. If it was something physical, you were sure it would cut right through you. "Like a friend!" He shouted again, he stood up so quickly he almost pushed you back onto the couch. "How could you?! I tell you how much I love you, and you say you love me LIKE A FRIEND!?"

You tried to explain yourself further, but Nikolai cut you off again, grabbing your shoulders, shaking you a bit. "I killed for you, (y/n)! I killed for you, and I'd kill for you again" He pressed his forehead against yours. "I'd do anything you ask me to do. I'd kill myself for you. Anything, you don't understand that, do you?"

Your chest felt heavy, and you quickly glanced at the gun on the table. Nikolai noticed your glace, and let go of you just long enough to grab the gun. Before you could stop him, he had it pressed against the side of his head. "See! I'll prove it to you! Just tell me to do it! Tell me to do it and I'll shoot! I'll blow my brains out right now!"

"Nikolai put that gun down now!" You yelled.

"Why should I?!" He laughed "Why should I put it down!? I have no reason to live, if you don't love me, what do I have to live for!?"

"You have a lot to live for. You said you'd do whatever I said, and I said put the gun down. So put it down"

"But you haven't told me why! Why wouldn't I do it?! Why wouldn't I end it all right here, right now!?"

"Listen to me. I know you're upset, and I know that the feelings you have right now feel so incredibly powerful, and all consuming to you. But I promise you, all of these things will go away eventually. You just need to put the gun down, and calm yourself down for me. Please"

Nikolai's features softened, and he lowered the gun. For a split second, you calmed down, almost letting yourself relax. But it only lasted for a very split second, until Nikolai pointed the gun towards you, aiming it right at your head. "I hate to sound so cliché here (y/n)" He began, putting his finger over the trigger. "But you've made it clear that I won't ever be able to have you. If I can't have the only thing I've ever wanted in life, what reason do I have to live in this world?" He asked. "A world where I'm constantly locked up, kept from being free. The only way to be completely free is to lose the bounds that life holds on us. I want you to be free too, we can be free together."

He took a deep breath before adjusting the gun in his hand, it was still pointed at you. "What I'm trying to say is, if I can't have you, no one else can"

Before you could even react to his words, Nikolai pulled the trigger and the gun went off. It didn't happen instantly, you felt the pain, it was a feeling so intense you couldn't begin to describe it. Before you finally lost all consciousness, you saw Nikolai turn the gun to his own head. "Don't worry, (y/n). I'll be with you"

Digging Your Own Grave Nikolai G.

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