Nvctmgone - ARCHIVED

𝐓𝐇𝐄  𝐀𝐅𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐇  𝐎𝐅  𝐓𝐇𝐄  𝐑𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐅𝐈𝐄𝐋𝐃  𝐔𝐍𝐈𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐈𝐓𝐘  𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐒𝐀𝐂𝐑𝐄

no introductory paragraph and no thesis statement this time; under the cut you’re going to find the longest meta I’ve ever written in my life, chronicling the years following the rothfield university massacre and the extent of the affect that it has had on jordan as she perseveres through her final years of college and into her career as an actress.

trigger warnings for: mentions of panic attacks, ptsd, self-blame, self-shame. nothing explicit or graphic, and all of the above are mentioned early on.

additional: once again this is a long meta  (final word count clocked at 4,820 words)  and if you read through the whole thing, I worship the ground you walk on and will declare an international holiday in your name.

THE FIRST FIVE MONTHS.

immediately following the rothfield massacre, jordan goes radio silent on all her social media accounts. everything is privatized, accounts she doesn’t know are softblocked, and she logs out of everything and deletes the apps off of her phone.

she is still recovering from her injuries when the spring musical, ragtime, debuts; she does not perform during this time, nor does she attend performances. she holds no ill will to her understudy or the cast, and wishes everyone a good show. her castmates are understanding and assure her the show isn’t the same without her. they’re kind enough not to say anything else.

her professors are extremely understanding; she gets extensions on assignments through the end of the semester, with many of her professors requesting an essay going over the material that had been taught all semester showcasing what she’s learned in place of completing several projects and assignments ahead of the final. in some instances, the essay replaces the final. while jordan appreciates the accommodation, she hates feeling like this is all done out of pity.

socializing for jordan is almost non-existent. while the semester resumes, she doesn’t leave her dorm room much. her boss doesn’t put pressure on her to do much of her job duties and her fellow RAs help her out where she needs it, often covering duty nights and taking that pressure off her shoulders as she tries to get back to a semblance of ‘normal.’

additionally during this time, she is getting bombarded by media outlets with requests for an interview, comment, etc., both local, regional and national. this was the primary motivation for a social media cleanse, but some reporters hang around campus and jordan combats this by traveling in tight-knit groups or just full-stop out-running and evading reporters.

the semester ends, summer arrives, and jordan moves back in with abuela while her parents go to move out of her childhood home and relocate closer to columbus. brentwood has left a bad taste in the mouth of the riley family and columbus is close enough to where paul can still maintain his construction business; meanwhile, sofia is easily able to find a hospital in need of a trauma certified ER nurse to assist in their trauma center. when she’s able, she moves back home with her parents. 

many family members come to assist with taking jordan to her therapy appointments so she doesn’t have to drive by herself. sarah will often clear her whole day on days where it’s her turn in the rotation, leaving the option open for jordan if she wants to get out of the house and do something. more often than not, jordan wants to go back home. she gets the feeling, in public, that she’s being stared at, even when she’s not, even when it’s irrational, and she just wants to be in quiet spaces where she has control over the situation.

outside of family, the person she reaches out to most is nick, who is also coping with the trauma of what happened. they have daily contact with each other in some form or another, be it phone calls, text messages, face time, etc. throughout the summer, nick comes to visit jordan. this is the only time she ventures out of the house for longer periods, though she and nick stick to quieter places, such as parks after dark, hiking trails at non-peak hours, and walking around the neighborhood or even just sitting on her porch.

FIRST SEMESTER, JUNIOR YEAR.

after five months of avoiding the internet, social media, surrounding herself with loved ones and diligently attending therapy, jordan returns to rothfield university for her junior year. people still stare at her but it wears off after the first week and she blocks it out of her mind; even with the blinders, the stress bubbles under the surface and causes her to have mild anxiety attacks, most often in the privacy of her dorm room, where she’ll lock herself up in and cry or scream into pillows to get it out of her system. 

on the outside, she is extremely composed. being involved in theatre since she was five has primed her for what is possibly her greatest performance yet: a perfectly fine, not-traumatized person. she’s still seeing a therapist weekly, but the façade is something she needs in all non-private spaces in order to get through even the simplest moments of the day. she doesn’t like attention being on her if she isn’t in control of that attention.

the façade first shatters in public when she has her audition for the fall musical, mamma mia. the auditions are held in the oliver rhodes auditorium, on the same stage where her final confrontation with elliot took place months before. jordan mentally prepared herself ahead of time but this wasn’t enough; halfway through her audition song, she blanks completely on the lyrics and doesn’t recover. she gives a quick apology, rushes off stage and takes shelter in the nearest bathroom, where she locks herself in a stall and devolves into a full-blown panic attack.

it lasts five minutes; she goes from hysterically crying to feeling completely numb, splashes cold water on her face and spends a few minutes cleaning herself up before she leaves. nick has her things gathered and he helps her back to her dorm room, where she crashes for the rest of the day.

the director of the show is empathetic to jordan’s situation and admits that it was short-sighted to use that specific auditorium for auditions. auditions have been moved to a different auditorium with the understanding that the show and rehearsals will still be held in the oliver rhodes auditorium. he invites jordan to do her audition over. after sleeping on it, jordan accepts the offer. she gets a callback following her more successful audition, and is eventually cast as sophie.

her fellow thespians have a mixed reaction to her being cast in the lead. while overall many are sympathetic toward her trauma, they see it as unfair that she got a second chance to audition and feel that the same opportunity wouldn’t have been given to anyone else, regardless of the circumstances. others think it’s favoritism at work, and that she was cast out of pity. this wears jordan down and she considers pulling out of the show very early on into rehearsals because she starts to believe that she was cast out of pity and not because she earned the part.

after expressing these concerns privately with the director, he informs her the reason she got a second chance at her audition was because of her reputation within the theatre department and her talent she’s been displaying since her freshman year. he knows her work ethic and he knows her skills, and felt that she earned a second chance, given the circumstance. she was cast because she was right for the role, not because he pitied her and wanted to be nice.

it’s a push she needs; someone sees her as more than the horrific things she’s experienced in only 21 years of life and it’s enough for her to start accepting for herself that she is more than some senseless tragedy. everything isn’t magically better, but she allows herself to start being more vulnerable in therapy and more vulnerable around her close friends. it’s exactly what she needs, and having a show to focus on helps keep her mind from wandering into dark places.

during this time, media requests for interviews have died down significantly. jordan is back on her socials with her accounts still locked; she doesn’t post much, and mostly only uses it as a means to reach out to friends privately. some nights she’ll look up coverage of the rothfield massacre, immediately regret it and turn off her phone.

rehearsals for mamma mia continue and while it’s tough at first, performing on the same stage she was almost killed on, jordan pushes through. she sees it as her moment to take back her power; tensions among the cast over her casting in the show becomes diluted once rehearsals kick into high gear and it’s clear that, like them, jordan wants to put on a good show and is giving her all to do it. not everyone is fully convinced but it doesn’t overpower the professionalism they work to maintain. even if they did, jordan’s over it to the point that she’s determined to rise above whatever’s thrown at her.

performances are a hit and it’s enough to bolster jordan’s confidence in a more honest and true-to-form sense. she goes home for thanksgiving break and when she returns to rothfield to prep for finals, she feels more like her old self than she has in a long time.

JUNIOR YEAR, SECOND SEMESTER, PART ONE.

heading back into her second semester, jordan is focused on getting back into her full rhythm, performing in the spring play, the spring musical and the dance showcase as she had in previous semesters  (the most recent one being the exception).

things are quiet. she still doesn’t go out much, but it’s less because she wants to hide herself away and more because she wants to focus on herself and her healing. she now attends therapy twice a month on a trial basis, to see how she likes the adjustment and how it fares with her progress.

during this time, she reconnects with her love of painting, sketching, and guitar. she works mostly with acrylics and watercolors, and despite how messy it is, charcoal. with guitar, she’ll mostly practice songs she already knows or strum a nonsensical melody as a means of getting back into the art. she composes a couple of songs during this time, but doesn’t think they’re anything spectacular   —   just what she needs to create in that moment.

JUNIOR YEAR, SECOND SEMESTER, PART TWO: THE ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE ROTHFIELD MASSACRE.

the media comes out of the woodwork in march to cover the one-year anniversary of the rothfield massacre. even with jordan’s social media locked down to friends only, this doesn’t stop journalists and podcasters from reaching out for comments. it gets so bad to the point that they show up on campus and will wait outside academic buildings for jordan to leave and try to get a comment from her, or convince her to do an interview. the first time she’s ambushed, she musters out an excuse that she has class and retreats to her dorm room, where she skips her classes for the rest of the day.

the ambush triggers a mild panic attack that she’s able to navigate through and when she comes down from it, she calls nick and asks him if he’ll stay with her, which he agrees. she paints, he works on homework, they both order pizza in and her floor partner is kind enough to collect it so she doesn’t have to go to the door and risk being bombarded by more reporters wanting a quote.

the following weeks consist of jordan’s friends escorting her to her classes and around campus as needed and creating a barrier between her and the media until campus police step in because the situation has progressed past journalists doing their jobs and to a disruption of a student’s education. the ambushing stops, but jordan is still consistently getting pinged on social media and even through her school email from reporters wanting “just five minutes” to talk.

by april, things calm down and she’s able to resume life as a college student normally. she still doesn’t leave buildings by herself and is constantly looking around out of fear of being ambushed again. it takes a while to wear off.

SENIOR YEAR AT ROTHFIELD UNIVERSTY.

jordan is still progressing in her journey to heal from the trauma of the rothfield massacre, but she’s in a good place mentally. she still attends therapy twice a month, and the sessions along with maintaining her normal activities and passions have helped her return to a sense of normalcy and stability. while effects of her trauma still remain and she still struggles from time to time with her anxiety and PTSD, she is making good progress. 

her focus in her senior year is on doing as many shows as she can to add to her acting resume. this is all in an effort to get her foot in the door with as many area theatre companies as possible, and figuring out her path post-graduation.

area theatre companies are hesitant to take jordan on post-graduation, due to the notoriety of the rothfield massacre. jordan starts to see the long-term negative impact that the massacre is going to have on her, and how it might hinder her career and that she’ll have to cast her net wider.

in the spring, jordan graduates with a bachelor of fine arts in theatre performance. she and nick get arrangements together for a move to new york city in early summer.

RELOCATION TO NEW YORK CITY.

new york city is a breath of fresh air for jordan. no one knows who she is, and if the do, they don’t care. everything is fast-paced and unpredictable, and she thrives on an opportunity to start anew.

she and nick share an apartment; nick works as a physical therapist with a local medical center, whereas jordan pulls long shifts as a bartender at a night club. the tips help tremendously with keeping her afloat and by daylight, she’s walking into every open casting call and audition the city has to offer.

the first several months are difficult for jordan. while she’s not afraid of rejection, going weeks and weeks without so much as a callback or only getting limited gigs that pay little to nothing with no promise of longevity starts to wear on her confidence. she knew it was going to be hard, but she considers she might be in over her head. part of her wonders if casting is focusing more on her infamy of surviving the rothfield massacre than the fact that she can be fully off book for sides in ten minutes.

she doesn’t give up, but there are days she comes home from auditions in tears out of complete and total frustration. sometimes she takes rejections very hard, especially when she gets so far along in the audition process, only for the director to decide to go “in another direction”.

HER FIRST BIG BREAK.

an off-broadway production of little shop of horrors is announced and the theatre circuit goes wild. jordan gets her name on the audition list and it’s the first ray of hope she’s had in a while, but she doesn’t allow it to cloud her senses or get blindsided by it. her focus is on getting her audition song and sides down, but makes a promise to herself that she’s going to have fun with the audition process as much as she’s going to take it seriously. she prepares herself for rejection, but frames this as a perfect opportunity to get her name out into the world and to network.

she continues to keep that mindset as she’s given callback after callback, and is in tears when she gets off the phone with the director after she’s offered the part of audrey. the show doesn’t pay an astronomical mount and she still has to pull shifts at the club, but she can take it a little easier and still be able to breathe.

rehearsals go off without a hitch and the excitement of working her first professional acting job is more powerful than any nerves or doubt she could ever have. her focus is on doing her level best, which she achieves; opening week is packed house after packed house and jordan feels as though she’s floating on air.

the show runs for twelve weeks before closing, and during those twelve weeks jordan makes connections with various actors, writers, producers and directors within the theatre circuit in new york city. her name is becoming less and less synonymous with the rothfield massacre and more with a strong, hardworking young woman with an impressive work ethic and an immeasurable talent for the arts.

ESTABLISHING A CAREER.

the wrapping of little shop of horrors is not the end of jordan’s stint as a stage actress in new york city. shortly after the show wraps, jordan is contacted by a producer who wants her to read for an up-and-coming musical based off of the 1987 classic  (and her favorite movie), dirty dancing.

jordan is cast as frances “baby” houseman, opposite of tony award-winning actor daniel cruz’s johnny castle.

workshops begin for dirty dancing: the musical and last ten weeks; during this time, jordan begins to really hone her craft as an actress, becoming a sponge and absorbing knowledge and methods from the talent around her. she forms a close bond with daniel, who gives her helpful critique when needed as well as advice as she stands on the precipice of the next stage of her life and her career.

following the workshop, the show debuts off-broadway to test audience reception as changes are made, songs are re-written, scrapped or replaced, choreography is changed, etc. jordan learns to be even more adaptable than she thought she was, and audiences overall love the show, with many attendees coming back multiple times to see the show evolve and take shape.

as the show is polished and primed to transition to broadway, investors are hesitant to keep jordan, an unknown, on as baby. many want to see a more well-known name in the role to boost ticket sales, and this isn’t much of a secret. the white elephant in the room is, undoubtedly, the fear that jordan’s connection to rothfield will overshadow the buzz and press for the musical and draw attention in a negative way.

the producers and director invite investors to a special performance of the show and jordan pushes herself harder than she ever has. it pays off   —   investors see that so much of the character of baby in this show is brought to life because of the nuances and charm jordan brings to the role, directly from her own influence. all doubts about casting an unknown in the lead are washed away.

BECOMING A BROADWAY ACTRESS.

the move of the show from off-broadway to broadway is a year-long endeavor; the director and producers had the option to expedite it in mere months but decided that a longer process to iron out details and make it polished would benefit the production better.

during this time, press starts to buzz about the upcoming show. jordan makes a point to focus any and all social media postings in specific reference to the show, stating in one instagram post that “this is something I have been working toward since I was five years old and some days I can’t believe it’s actually happening, and every day I’m grateful and humbled that it is.”

as the premier date draws closer, press kicks up for the show. jordan’s agent tells all press that questions about the rothfield massacre will not be permitted. everyone is compliant, focusing on the show and on jordan’s background in the arts and love for performing.

the show premiers to a sold-out theatre for the first month and continues gaining momentum as reviews continue to be glowing. jordan is regarded as a “true triple-threat” with powerhouse vocals and a stage presence that comes effortlessly. she is quickly regarded as one to watch and a potential frontrunner for best lead actress in a musical at the tony awards. 

while jordan doesn’t win the tony for best actress, the show takes home several awards, including best choreography, best direction, best costume design, and best screenplay. ticket sales continue to thrive and dirty dancing: the musical continues to gain popularity with audiences.

jordan stays with the show for a year and a half before tossing her hat in the ring and auditioning for the broadway revival of west side story. after rounds and rounds of callbacks, she lands the role of maria.

jordan is with west side story for nine months when her agent sends her sides for an audition for an untitled netflix series. after reading through the sides and reading about the show, jordan decides to audition for the experience, and to cast her net a little wider.

TRANSITIONING TO FILM AND TELEVISION.

the untitled netflix project gets is title around the time jordan is doing screen tests for the main character. behind the curtain follows julie chambers, a young photojournalist who returns to her hometown after the sudden death of her childhood best friend, melissa. the circumstances around melissa’s death are suspicious to julie and seem anything but accidental; eager to find answers, julie begins investigating melissa’s death   —   not realizing how in over her head she’s about to become.

jordan is the first person cast in the project; the internet is mixed on the response, with broadway fiends ecstatic to see her getting more visibility and those outside the circuit unsure of netflix casting an “unknown” in a major role, but cautiously optimistic.

filming takes place in boston over the course of six months, and jordan stays in the hotel the studio puts the cast up in. her focus is on learning the culture around sets and making sure she doesn’t screw up.

media attention while filming is moderate; paparazzi are around mainly to get photos of the bigger named actors working on the project, but a number of photos of jordan circulate online both during filming and in off-hours when she and some of the cast and crew explore the city, visit museums and restaurants, and occasionally check out the bar and club scene.

for the most part, publications and social media accounts circulating the photos refer to jordan as an actress cast as the lead in behind the curtain; the only publications bringing up the rothfield massacre are tabloid rags.

jordan meets with her publicist and agent to structure a plan to address jordan’s past and her connection with the rothfield massacre.

an exclusive interview is arranged with rolling stone for after behind the curtain wraps and is finalized and press to promote the show begins. the article primarily focuses on jordan’s journey to move past the rothfield massacre and turn over a new leaf and finding the process of filming behind the curtain and exploring that story to be extremely cathartic and healing.

response to the article is mostly positive; there is a small corner of the internet that sees her as leeching money and notoriety off of a horrific event, but it’s a pretty silent minority that’s squashed quickly.

behind the curtain premiers over fourth of july weekend and rapidly skyrockets to the no. 1 slot on top streamed shows and stays there for a consistent three weeks.

social media response is massive; behind the curtain trends worldwide on twitter all of fourth of july weekend, with everyone revering newcomer jordan riley for a memorable breakout performance as julie chambers 

critical reception is high; a few critics call the plot derivative but still praise the talent of the actors bringing the story to life, but overall the consensus is that behind the curtain is the stand-out series of not only the summer, but the year. many predict emmy and golden globe nominations for the cast and crew, jordan included.

following the success of behind the curtain, jordan gets in more audition rooms for small one to three-episode guest spot arcs on sitcoms and drama series. 

one such series is huntington general, a well-known medical drama that is entering its fifth season when jordan auditions for a guest arc that spans the first two episodes of the season   —   something that propels her even further into the spotlight, with ratings across the country hitting 20 million viewers.

jordan is cast as danielle burke, a bubbly patient staying at huntington general hospital long-term while she waits for a donor heart to become available for a transplant. a heart becomes available due to a crash near the hospital, but when doctors go to recover the transplant heart, it’s discovered another patient at a rival hospital is higher on the transplant list, despite danielle’s condition worsening by the hour. danielle ends up moving up on the transplant list because the other patient dies while the organ is in route to be delivered; it becomes a race against the clock to get danielle prepped for surgery and in the operating room, and she’s knocking on death’s door. the surgery lasts six hours and the transplant takes   —   until it doesn’t. the doctors want to hook danielle up to an LVAD   —   which she denies. when she’s told she’ll die without it, she tearfully responds that she knows, she’s tired of fighting, and she just wants to have a peaceful final few hours of her life.

jordan’s film debut is in the widely anticipated chokehold from horror mastermind quincy larson, which angles a critical lens on the tropes popularized in horror movies and especially the slasher sub-genre, and turns many of them on their head. 

jordan is cast as tessa monroe, a college dropout moving back in with her mom as she tries to figure out the next steps in her life. when one of her coworkers at the local stop-n-shop is brutally murdered while closing the store, the town is thrown into a frenzy. more murders and attacks happen around tessa in a short span of time, and fingers start to point at her as the prime suspect. she has to work to prove her innocence, while evading the killer and staying alive.

audience reception to the film is strong, and viewers are overall impressed with the quality of the project and the clear talent jordan exhibits as she embodies a character that many would think would be so similar to her role in behind the curtain, but is distinctly different   —   which subverts the expectation that she’s in danger of being typecast.

critics have nothing but praise for jordan, citing her performance as “raw, emotional and powerful   —   a masterclass performance in bringing a truthfulness to the horrors that man can do against man.”

many people draw conclusions that she delved into her own trauma from surviving a real-life murder spree for the performance; years down the road, when she is more comfortable speaking freely about the experience, she confirms this.

BECOMING A HOUSEHOLD NAME.

following the success of behind the curtain’s first and second seasons and chokehold, which is immediately greenlit for a sequel, jordan takes a short break to go back home and visit with family. 

she also takes the time to privately reach out to the families of the victims in the rothfield massacre, checking in with them and presenting the idea she had for starting six $5,000 scholarships in the name of each victim in the massacre. all of the money would be provided by jordan and donors and would renew all four years of a recipient’s educational career. 

the response is overwhelmingly positive; she gives each family time to think about it and expresses that she will not be publicizing this until all details are sorted out and she has expressed permission to go through with each scholarship. all six scholarships are signed off on by family

in addition to the scholarships, jordan starts a fundraiser to raise money to build a memorial honoring the memory of the victims lost in the rothfield massacre. many alumni of rothfield donate to the cause, with jordan donating $100,000 out of her own pocket to fund the project. the university accepts the money, with the memorial being a three-year construction project, completed right on schedule.

philanthropy becomes an important thing for jordan; following the scholarship fund supported by both her and multiple donors and the memorial construction, she makes it a routine habit to donate 20% of her cheque to a cause she wants to support   —   more often than not, RAINN  (rape, abuse & incest national network). additionally, jordan organizes community events raising support and awareness for RAINN, which in turn has brought benefit to the organization in their outreach to victims.

there is no longer a gag order placed on press regarding rothfield; any time a reporter or talk show host asks jordan about it, she will specifically focus on the scholarship funds and the memorial, as well as her work with RAINN, citing that keeping the memory of those who lost their lives alive and helping victims of abuse get out of those situations and back on their feet is more important.

“I’ve made my peace long ago with what happened in rothfield. now, I want to do what I can with my voice to make things easier for victims and to help them in whatever way I can.”

none of jordan’s residents step out of line in her junior and senior year because they’re intimidated by the fact she’s killed two people in self-defense and hasn’t left the campus where it all went down

if you see me fucking around with my icons/dividers/etc. today, no you do not

like  this  for  3 - 5  memes multis  please  specify  if  you’d  like  them  for  anyone  specific!

HELP I CAN’T FIUCKING BREATHE

SHAKESPEARE  AESTHETICS

𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐄𝐎  &  𝐉𝐔𝐋𝐈𝐄𝐓     suburban  july.    scraped  knees.     bruised  knuckles.  blood  in  your  teeth.     bare  feet  on  hot  concrete.   restlessness.   your high school’s empty parking lot.     love  poems  in  your  diary.       a window open to coax in the breeze.   burning inside. an  ill - fitting  party  dress.    a t - shirt you cut up yourself.    the  time  you  tried  to  give  yourself  bangs.    biking  to  your  friends  house.    bubble  gum.  gas station ice.   the feeling that you’ve met before.     rebellion.  a  car  radio  playing  down  the  street.   cheap  fireworks.    a heart drawn on the inside of your wrist with a sharpie. switchblades.  red  solo  cups.  dancing  in  your  bedroom.   screaming yourself hoarse.     running  out  of  options.   the  forlorn  looking  basketball  hoop  at  the  end  of  a  cul - de - sac.  climbing  onto  your  roof  at  night  while  your  parents  are  asleep.   flip - flops.   a eulogy written of loose - leaf. the merciless noontime sun.

𝐇𝐀𝐌𝐋𝐄𝐓       speaking  in  a  whisper.   holding  your  breath.  a  browning  garden.    a  half  remembered  story. furniture  covered  with  sheets.   fog  at  dawn,  mist  at  twilight. losing  touch.  the  ethereal  space  between  winter  and  spring.  the  soft  skin  at  your  temple. the  crack in the hallway mirror.  things you’d say if you knew the words.    uncombed hair.   books  with  writing  in  the  margins.  books  with  cracked  spines.  books  with  lines  scratched  out.   prayers  on  all  souls’  day.  a  chipped  ceramic  bathtub.  a  cold  stone  floor.     the uncomfortable awareness of your own heartbeat. the  sparrow  that  got  in  your  house.  shadows.   the  creek  you  played  in  as  a  child. a  dirty  night  gown. an  oversized t - shirt.   a collection of your favorite words.     soil  beneath  your  nails.   ghost  stories.   the strangeness of your own name in  your mouth.      deep silence.    exhaustion.    a  cliff  with  a  long,  long  drop  down.

𝐓𝐖𝐄𝐋𝐅𝐓𝐇 𝐍𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓     wicker  deck  furniture.  new  england  summer. large  sunglasses  and  a  blonde  bob. a  storm  over  the  ocean. patio  umbrellas  flapping  in  the  wind.  the  smell  of  chlorine.   muffled laughter.    sarcasm.    starched  cuffs.   day  drinking. bay  windows.  the  idea  of  love.  love  for  the  idea  of  love.   love  for  love’s  sake.     hangovers.      wandering  over  the  sand  dunes.  a  vagabond  with  a  guitar.   fishermen  with  tattoos.  a  pretty  boy  with  a  slacked  tie.  a  lighthouse.  growing  too  close.  boat  shoes.     feeling  yourself  change.     big,  floppy  sunhats.     double - speak. a song you keep listening to.   turning red under their gaze.     margaritas  drank  on  an  inflatable  pool  lounger. string  lights  on  a  balmy  night.    .  sleepy june days. fights  you’re  unprepared  for.  hope  you  weren’t  expecting.     pranks  that  go  too  far.    bad  poetry.   pining.   becoming less of a stranger.

𝐌𝐀𝐂𝐁𝐄𝐓𝐇       the space where your grief used to be.  a  bird  that’s  lost  an  eye.    old  blood  stains.   heavy  blinds.    the  smell  of  sweat.  the  stillness  after  a  battle.    a fake smile.    a  curse.     the taste of metal at the back of your tongue.    your house,  unfamiliar in the dark.   a  dusty  crib.  the  smell  of  sulfur.    an  orange  pill  bottle.  streaks  in  the  sink.  a   black  cocktail  dress.     your hand on the doorknob, shaking.   a  chilly  breeze.crunching  from  the  gravel  driveway  on  a  moonless  night.   clenched hands.     a rusty swing set.    a flashing digital clock stuck on 12 : 00.   a  snake  that  crosses  your  path.   an  owl  that  watches  you.  a  dog  that  runs  when  you  approach.   red  smoke, dark  clouds.   cool steel.    tile floors.   footsteps in the hallway late at night. a  baggy  suit  that  used  to  fit  before.     visions.   insomnia headaches.     nursery  rhymes. being  too  far  in  to  go  back  now.

𝐌𝐔𝐂𝐇 𝐀𝐃𝐎 𝐀𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆     the  high  drama  of  small  towns.     a pickup truck.    military supply duffel bags in the hall.   hugs  all  around.  tulip  bulbs.    a  wraparound  porch.    a  pitcher  of  iced  tea.    a  rubber  halloween  mask.     someone  on  your  level.    ill - timed  proclamations.     stomach clenching laughter.     rushing  in.  not  minding  your  business.  crepe  paper.   white lies.    secrets written down and thrown away.    southern  hospitality.  homemade  curtains in  the  kitchen.  a  sink  full  of  roses.    hiding  in  the  bushes.     old friends.    the  wedding  dress  your  grandma  wore,  and  her  mama  before  her.    a  dog - eared  rhyming  dictionary.   chamomile  with  honey.   the  intimacy  of  big  parties.  lawn  flamingos.  gossip.  a  crowded  church.  friendly  rivalries.  unfriendly  rivalries.  shit getting real.    love  at  five  hundredth  sight.     not realizing  you’re home until you’re there.

𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐋𝐄𝐀𝐑   cement  block  buildings.  power  lines  that  birds  never  perch  on. the  end  of  the  world.  useless  words.    rainless  thunder,  heat  lighting, a  too  big  sky.     arthritic  knuckles.  broken  glass.  chalk  cliffs.    the pulsing red - black behind closed eyes.    something you learned too late.   wet mud that sucks up your shoes while you walk.    a cold stare.  empty  picture  frames. empty  prayers.   the obscenity of seeing  your parents cry.     a  treeless  landscape.  bloody  rags. grappling  in  the  dark  with  reaching  hands.   the sharpness at the the tips of your teeth.   the  blown  out  windows  of  a  skeletal  house. decay.    jokes that aren’t jokes.   biting your tongue.   prophecies.     aching  muscles,  tired  feet.   stinging rain.    invoking  the  gods.  wondering  if  the  gods  are  listening.  worrying  that  the  gods  are  dead. white  noise.  shivers.  numbness.   the unequivocal feeling of ending.

𝐀 𝐌𝐈𝐃𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐄𝐑 𝐍𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓'𝐒 𝐃𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐌    the  smell  of  wet  soil  and  dead  leaves.  listening  to  music  on  headphones  with  your  eyes  closed.  wildflowers.  the  distant  sparkle  of  lightning  bugs. a  pill  someone  slipped  you.   fear  that  turns  into  excitement. excitement  that  turns  to  frenzy.   mossy  tree  trunks.  a   pair  of  yellow  eyes  in  the  darkness. night  swimming.     moonlight  through  the  leaves.     a  bass  beat  in  your  chest.     a  butterfly  landing  on  your  nose.  a  kiss  from  a  stranger.  a  dark  hallow  in  an  old  tree.  glow  in  the  dark  paint. drinking  on  an  empty  stomach. a  twig  breaking  behind  you. spinning  until  you’re  dizzy.  finding  glitter  on  your  body  and  not  remembering  where  it  came  from.  an  overgrown  path  through  the  woods.  cool  dew  on  your  skin. a  dream  that  fades  with  waking.  moths  drawn  to  the  light.     giving  yourself  over,  completely.  afterglow.  the  long,  loving,  velvety  night.

TAGGING:  you!