If You Do, Please Tag Me!! I'd Love To Read It!

If you do, please tag me!! I'd love to read it!

If The Hazbin Hotel Characters Worked At A School

Charlie- You might think Charlie would be the principal but NO! Charlie is the therapist! She tries to get everyone into her office for a session by the end of the year- including the teachers! Vaggie- Vaggie would teach mainstream math. Her favorite thing about teaching math is giving people extra homework when they disrupt her class. (A lot of people leave with extra homework. One time Angel Dust walked in on her in the middle of a test, and she made him do a homework sheet).

Angel Dust- He is a substitute. He's actually qualified to teach computer science, but he doesn't. It's his best kept secret why he doesn't.

Husk- He teaches Italian. He's not properly fluent in Italian and only got the job because Lucifer lost a gamble to him and Husk said he'd let him keep his money if he did "one tiny favor". Angel Dust likes to lurk outside Husk's classroom when he gets the chance, and the second Husk mispronounces a word, Angel will stick his head in, correct him and then dart back out. Husk pretends to hate it but he actually finds it really hot. (Angel Dust was also actually the one who TAUGHT Husk Italian).

Lucifer- Lucifer is the principal. He doesn't really care what most of his employees do, including stalking the Italian teacher, cruel and unusual punishment during guitar lessons, or fucking in the janitor's closet. As long as "most of his employees" doesn't include Alastor.

Alastor- Alastor actually teaches health, or sex ed, or whatever you call it. He went to college and got a degree and didn't do it "The Husk Way" all so he could do two things: 1. Properly represent queer people, especially trans people, during the class because he knows, as a trans person, that it's really hard not to feel undermined during the class. 2. Make jokes about being an asexual person teaching sex ed (I'm not asexual/aromantic but it just seems like the kind of thing Alastor would do- especially considering how he reacts to Angel badly propositioning him). If you make a queerphobic comment in Alastor's class, you're dead. Possibly literally. Alastor never actually adheres to the curriculum, and Lucifer keeps trying to break into his class and catch him but somehow Al is always two steps ahead. When Lucifer is not at school, Alastor takes his whole class down to the kitchens and has them make jambalaya for the whole period. If you can't eat jambalaya, Alastor has a whole closet full of alternative ingredients for you but EVERYONE IS EATING SOME FORM OF JAMBALAYA OR EVERYONE HAS TO FIX ALASTOR'S VINTAGE RADIOS DURING DETENTION FOR A MONTH.

Lute- She teaches biology and is that one teacher who everyone either loves or hates. She runs the GSA and has weekly meetings and she's also the teacher who becomes your replacement mom if your real mom sucks. (This also applies to the teachers, she's also basically Angel Dust's mother by now). If you make a queerphobic comment in her class, she will stalk for exactly two weeks after you say it, slowly recording every single discriminatory thing you say. Then she will make you stay after school hours and reads off her entire list. Then she assigns you detention for two weeks and makes you write a 5-page essay on whatever chapter of Queer Ducks her heart desires in size 8 Arial font during the few precious hours of the day you don't have detention.

Adam- He teaches the jazz band, and if you play guitar, you get double lessons. Twice a month, Adam conducts tests randomly. You have to get up and play a song of his choice- no sheet music allowed. If you mess up even once, Adam gets to smack your guitar with a rock and you get to pay for the damages. (Lucifer knows, doesn't care, and makes rubber duck voodoo dolls all day long.)

Cherri- She teaches gym and if a student isn't running fast enough, she throws basketballs at them. Not hard to HIT them, but just enough to give them some motivation.

Sir Pentious- He doesn't work at this school. He works at a preschool in a different town. But since it's only a half-day, as soon as he gets the chance, he leaves and goes to stare longingly at Cherri while she somehow manages not to get fired. Everyone is just used to him being there, and he's fine with that.

GUYS I JUST GOT MY HAIR CUT LIKE ALASTOR AND IT LOOKS GREAT AHHHHHHHHH

No Use Trying To Fight It

Happy birthday @niafromheaven!!

Emily x Adam X Lute (AngelicGuitarSword), angst, no happy ending.'

TW/CW alcohol, heavily implied depression, queerphobia, implied/referenced abuse, swearing

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ADAM | “I Miss You, I’m Sorry” - Gracie Abrams

Adam stared blankly at Charlie, who was going on a rant about happiness and marshmallows and shit to Alastor across the room. He resisted the urge to laugh at her stupidity. As if true happiness even existed. Charlie’s idea of the word was really just bliss. Two completely different things.

Ever since his death, Adam had done a good job faking to Charlie how grateful he was for the second chance she had granted him, and how determined he was to make a change in his afterlife.

When really, all he wanted to do was become good enough that maybe he would prove himself wrong and go back to heaven.

Wanting to prove himself wrong was never something he had thought would happen. Fuck it. It was too hard to be sober this week. Adam got up, left the room, and trudged over to Husk’s bar. The flying cat wasn’t there, so he just poured himself a huge glass of beer, downing it all in one gulp. Adam looked around to decide what type of alcohol he’d consume next.

You know, drinking that much will only make you sadder, Emily’s voice echoed in his head.

“Stop it,” he hissed. “You’re not here.”

He hadn’t heard of anything concerning Emily for the last few months. Adam could only hope that Sera wasn’t lying to her and locking her up and “protecting” her again.

She probably was. Sera wouldn’t change.

Adam uncorked a bottle of cheap booze and took a few long gulps straight from the bottle. It burned his throat, but distracted him enough that it was worth it.

Emily still wasn’t getting herself out of his mind. Was Sera hurting her? Threatening her? Forcing her to do her bidding? Adam started to breathe heavier. Adrenaline and anxiety coursed through his veins. He collapsed to the ground, unable to support himself.

Lute’s voice appeared in his head. The high and mighty leader of the Exorcists, in a heap on the floor of Lucifer’s brat’s hotel. Toughen up, Adam.

“I can’t,” he gasped.

Emily again, You failed me. You lied, just as much as Sera did. And then you couldn’t even save yourself in the battle.

“I’m sorry.”

It was his fault, it was all his fault. He deserved this pain and fear and hurt. And worse, he’d been too much of a fucking coward to even tell them how he felt before he died.

EMILY | “Rumors” - Ava Max

Emily stood crooked over a thick novel, combing through every page, searching for some hidden meaning in the words. The only thing she could decipher from it was that the title, Les Miserables, perfectly described the mood in Heaven these last few months, what with the constant rumors. About a lot of things- the exterminations, Sera’s authority, the fabric of Heaven itself- but especially about Adam.

He was gone for good, true death.

He was in Heaven but waiting, biding his time.

He was in Hell and an overlord.

She didn’t want to believe any of them, although something had to have happened. You can’t rewind time and go back to when you didn’t know your sister was a liar, when your crush wasn’t maybe dead, when your other crush wasn’t a walking shell of a being.

At least she wasn’t ashamed to admit her emotions, unlike most people she’d spent her life speaking to.

Everyone had always thought of Emily as the innocent one, the sweet one. Sera’s naive little sister. And she had to keep up that persona now, as always. Feelings had never mattered to Sera, and they certainly weren’t about to start mattering to her now- especially when those feelings involved the wish to be in a relationship that, if Emily were to bring up with Sera, the seraphim would perceive as unfaithfulness, what with her conservative mindset.

And as much as Sera was a liar and a turd, Sera was all Emily had. And she couldn’t give that up for a relationship that would never happen.

Emily read a few more words and slammed the thousand-page tome down on her desk.

Air, that was what she needed. Fresh air, maybe some of those chocolate-dipped strawberries they had down in the lobby. Emily could take care of herself. She stepped out onto the balconies and took a few breaths.

In, out. In, out. In, out.

She went on like that for a few minutes until she was a bit calmer. Alright, Em, see? It’s not so bad after all. Now keep your mouth shut, attend Sera’s meetings, don’t under any circumstances even look at Lute…

You can do this.

You’ve always done this.

You’re stronger than they think.

LUTE | “champagne problems” - Taylor Swift

Lute had always dealt with her negative emotions in one way and one way only: Violence.

Punching a wall, sword fighting another Exorcist, killing a few sinners- anything, really, as long as it involved violence or weapons of some sort.

But that’s because her negative emotions had always fallen into one of three categories: Anger, cockiness, disappointment.

Never anything close to “sad”.

But she fucking sucked at describing how she felt, and “sad” was really the only word she could come up with to explain this… this weird feeling, almost like her soul was being ripped out of her body, like she couldn’t control her limbs enough to get up and stab something. Or someone. Stabbing someone sounded really satisfying.

What was that thing Vaggie had always said to her? Oh, right. You need to find ways to cope with your emotions other than extreme violence and cruelty.

Kind of ironic, considering what had ended up happening to Vaggie.

What Lute had done to Vaggie.

Lute rolled her eyes. Everyone made mistakes, right? But your mistakes end up either killing or permanently injuring people… That’s normal. That’s very normal. That’s kind of what you were created to do. It’s fine.

Ugh, there were people outside of her door, and they were talking very loudly, and maybe she should stab them to make them shut the fuck up. But, wait. Would stabbing them be considered sanctioned, or would she have to sit through one of Sera’s lectures about self-control again?

And if she had to sit through one of Sera’s lectures about self-control again, would she at least get to see Emily as a result? And why the fuck did she want to Emily? Get a grip on yourself, you are the lieutenant- now commander- of the Exorcists. You represent Heaven. You are too strong to-

The people outside her room weren’t done talking.

Two of her Exorcists, neither of them liked her that much.

“...heard she wanted to fuck Adam,” one of them said.

Were they talking about her? “Please, we both know she’s one of those gay freaks. Probably had her eye on Sera or something,” the other responded,

Shit, they were definitely talking about her.

They didn’t think she was in her room. At this time of day, she was always training. They were just having fun gossiping about her in front of her own door.

“Damn asshole. She deserves to end up in hell, just like Adam.”

“Hah! She’d be happy, wouldn’t she? Get to be around those fuckups just like her.” Fuckup.

They were right.

Wait- what about Adam?

“Can’t believe Sera never told her. Guess she wouldn’t want her or our little bitch of a princess to go running off looking for them.”

Emily.

Sera had lied.

Again.

Lute heard some more laughter, and then the Exorcists walked off.

Emily.

Lute needed to tell her- but she couldn’t. Emily didn’t want to talk to her. Emily hadn’t even looked at her since the battle.

There was nothing she could do.

<Hope you have a much better birthday than these guys, Nia! <3>

He believes that ambiamorous people are either fallen angels or redeemed sinners, they have a foot in both worlds and are therefore 'ambi'.

Alastor misinterpreting modern LGBTQIA+ labels also leaves room for so much confusion with the rest of the cast:

(Based on @onesidedradiostatic ‘s posts)

-Genuinely thinks Husk is attracted to kitchenware, to the point where one of his “punishments” is not being allowed in the kitchen

-If Huskerdust then Alastor begins to question if Angel is secretly a pan

-Angel saying he’s gay and Alastor questioning that because he was sure Angel was depressed

-Reevaluating the bisexual label AGAIN when he finds out Pentious has two dicks, causing him to question his previous statement of Vox being dickless

-Vaggie: Im Lesbian, Alastor: I don’t believe I’m familiar with that country

-Alastor thinking all angels and/or exorcists are lesbians (yes, this includes Adam and Lucifer)

-Him thinking of Charlie as half-lesbian, not because he’s biphobic but because she’s half angel

-Lucifer mentioning he’s kind of gender-fluid so he wonders if the fluid of Lucifer is what’s responsible for one’s gender

-Thinking trans means transportation/transit/transcontinental railroad and assumes they’re the best people to travel with

-Him thinking “bisexual” refers to having two partners

-Him thinking “bisexual” refers to being attracted to bicycles so he removes all bicycles (and pans because fuck you Husker) from the hotel

-Him thinking the term “ace” refers to a phenomenal card player because he beat Husk in poker, taunts Husk for not being “ace” anymore

Y'all are amazing <3 <3

<3

hey

hey friend

dont kill yourself tonight ok

you have a really pretty smile and i know its not always easy to manage one but itd be a bummer if we never had the chance to see it ever again

youre really important and you matter a lot so stay safe and try and have a nice sleep