Lately Ive Been Replacing Myim Sorrys Withthank Yous, Like Instead Ofsorry Im Late Ill Saythanks For

lately i’ve been replacing my “i’m sorry”s with “thank you”s, like instead of “sorry i’m late” i’ll say “thanks for waiting for me”, or instead of “sorry for being such a mess” i’ll say “thank you for loving me and caring about me unconditionally” and it’s not only shifted the way i think and feel about myself but also improved my relationships with others who now get to receive my gratitude instead of my negativity

life is fucking horrible. i may not be suicidal anymore, but im at the bottom of the pit of despair even so. she excuses all her ongoing behaviour as necessary and "just what i want" and "just my personality" and "i need to do this" and "you just dont understand" when all of that is not true. you didn't want or need to hurt me like this before.

not only do i know that's not the person you were before, but you will literally have moments of clarity even now, where you suddenly are so terribly sorry and miss me so much and you want to be with me and you just need to hear my voice for a short time please you beg me. you promise to stop cheating and to go to therapy if i will just let you have quality time on call for an hour like we used to. and i give in and i give it to you (although, my voice betrays how hurt and terrified i am. i wonder if you even care, or if machine dispensing my voice to you makes your disorder think it's quality time no matter if i sound like im dying).

i give in because i'm scared i'll never see you again. i'm terrified. even though you've hurt me so many times and so badly that it crushed my soul, so badly that i was about to walk in front of a truck and only stopped myself because i thought "it would hurt you so much when you come out of this madness and realise im gone forever". so badly that i had to stay at the mental ward after you confessed all your sins to me, after months, months, of me begging you and asking you what's wrong, what's going on, why are you so cold and distant, why don't you tell me anything anymore. why don't you come visit me like you promised. why is everything different.

i know you're a different person now, you're dissociated, manic, delusional. you don't care about me, except then you do, for a moment, and then you're gone again. i know that i should give up on you, and i know that most of all, i should ignore you. because either putting that distance between us will force you to realise what you're missing and actually repair yourself and repair what we had, or, it will help me find other people that i might love even more than i loved you. that sounds crazy, because we loved each other like there was nothing else in the world, back then, before you got so ill and strange. i really felt that we are something different. that there is only one of you and that i don't want to let you go, for any reason, ever.

but i have to think positively. i have to think that there might be a cute and sweet girl out there that i would actually love more than i love you, who is true to me and who doesn't hurt me like you do. who is like when you were at your best, your most healthy and loving when we loved each other so much, except she's like that all the time, and she doesn't torture me. she is patient with me just as much as i'm patient with her. she understands me and gives me care, not just the other way around. she is intelligent and we have fascinating conversations that aren't just me lecturing at someone, but a full two way conversation. i don't have to explain to her how to be empathetic or how to be a good partner, because she will be empathetic all the time, and she's already putting in effort to be good with me because she loves me.

i don't know, because i really don't feel that there will be anyone else like you out there, because this wasn't a simple romance. this was something that felt made in the stars. until you started hurting me. until you became so strange. and i know it's the Borderline. we never knew, but now i do. everything adds up. and i wish so badly that you had listened to me and gotten help before. that someone had figured out why you were suffering and helped you, whether it was me or a professional, or yourself. because i did help myself. this whole time, i was helping myself, working on myself, and helping you at the same time, giving you guidance and explanations. even for such basic things as empathy, when you lost yours. and i still loved you and kissed you and wanted to be with you forever, just like you wanted too, even when you were being so strange.

i know i tolerated way too much. i know i helped you way too much, in the sense that you didn't put in the same effort neither to help yourself or to help me. i wanted to help you, but i didn't want to be taken advantage of, or taken for granted. and i communicated that to you, healthily. and in the good days, you listened, healthily. we worked through things. and we were so happy and you were the healthiest you've ever been. and then it started cracking. the fixations, the mania, the dissociation. the cruelty, the loss of empathy, to me, your beloved partner, and to your friends, and to many others. all while you still wanted empathy for yourself. all while you were scared to be hurt and judged and unloved.

i know i should give you up. i know i should slowly start to forget about you. i know i should play cat and mouse, ignore you, see if you will start begging me again, like you already did. and if you don't beg me this time, then i should keep the game up, and find a new girl. in my own time, not too fast, not too desperately, but to meet new girls and to maybe fall in love with them, if the stars are aligned again.

but it hurts so much. you are so special to me. and i was so special to you. even now, even after all this, you still said so. you still said you think we'll have each other forever in some way, that you still think you'll come live with me, just not now. because right now you have to be the cruellest creature on the planet and treat me like i'm nothing but a button you can press when you get bored, all because you think your Borderline is your entire personality, that all of this "has to" happen, that you "need" this, that what you "want" when you're manic is not ruining your life, sabotaging your happiness.

i wish i could just say, "goodbye, i know you will miss me one day but it will be too late, i will have moved on, and you will have to bear the consequences of your actions and feel the weight of the pain". or, "goodbye, i know you probably won't even miss me because you're so delusional and not yourself that i'm not sure you'll ever be yourself again, and i guess that's not my problem anymore".

or, "goodbye for now. maybe you will survive, and maybe i will see you later. maybe you will be yourself again, and understand that you were not sane. maybe we will love again. or maybe you will die, and i will mourn you, but i will know that the girl i loved was no longer in that body, and hope that you finally feel peace."

but i can't feel any of this. i just want her back. i want her to be like she used to be. i want her to love me, and only me. i want her to be healthy and happy with me again, to smile like the sun. to be grounded and not fixated or manic or dissociated. and most of all, i want her to be safe. because where she is now, she is not safe. and that makes it very hard to let go of her. to think she might die while i am ignoring her to see if it will make her talk to me, do better, when she realises how she misses me. to think that cat and mouse game might be the last thing that ever happens between us. i can't handle that. i hate these games. i hate her disorder for doing this to her. i hate her parents and society for abusing her and causing her this trauma and this disordered behaviour. i love her so much and i want her to be safe and i want her to be herself and i want to have her back.

i really hope she finally gets help. i really hope it's not too late. i really hope she won't be in physical danger. i really hope she will become herself again. i really hope that somehow, i can have her back, the way she was.

and i really hope i start giving up. i hope i start internalising how much she hurt me. how much of the time that she was not very good to me. how much of the time she was unfair, selfish, even when she was good. how much effort it took her to do the most basic things, like helping out with meals, even when she was at her best, even when we felt that we loved each other fully, even when she was relatively healthy, she was really not well, and she was not a very good partner. she loved me, and that was all i wanted. i could put up with everything else. i could put up with her not helping out, with her being insensitive, with her saying some stupid things even when she wasn't being that cruel. i could put up with anything, i could be patient with her "until she feels better", until we have jobs and until we live together full-time, until she can get therapy, until our lives are easier. i could put up with anything, no matter how long, if she just loved me, and wanted me. and she did. and it almost killed me.

on this day one year ago someone sewed a fried egg to a tshirt

i found out that the dancing banana was created some time in 1999 today and i feel so bad. he’s 25… and i never did anything for him. this is like if i forogot a loved ones birthday