Break Up - Tumblr Posts
Saturday 2158
I dreamed of you last night; that your wife died on Christmas day, and that I hovered around you like some sort of compassionate vulture.
I disgust myself.
Monday 2110
You play slow and I wonder if you are drinking tonight
If you have drank enough to kiss her the way you kissed me
If you have drank enough to tell me you love me one more time
Something I drew today
Tomek's break up basically
(In my au at least; tomek breaks up and is extremely sad and he acts like he's ok but he really isn't. But Edwin helps him a lot so he's ok)
my love i am sorry i was mad at first figuring it was the usual dramatics but i was wrong this was important to you and i refused to see that just because i did not value it did not mean that you shared my sentiments you cared and i did not you deserve more respect than i gave you i may not have understood the matter but i could at least have respected it.
Here today, gone tomorrow
If there was ever a time to doubt ones sanity, it’s in the midst of a break up. We say things that we clearly do not mean, We make accusations, threats, and yell. Too often in today’s society do we make no regrets in moving from one person to another. Gone are the days that relationships last through the test of time through hardships and good times. I have recently watched to many of my friends going through break ups, But no one claiming responsibility for their own part of the action. My wish for everyone is to love, And to remember that the only reason the grass looks greener on the other side, is because it is fertilized with bullshit.
The lovely and amazing @jelli-jack made me a K2 playlist and added the song 'Hell No' by Ingrid Michaelson and,,,, well, I got inspired?
We Ended Right - Debby Ryan, Chad Hively, Chase Ryan
you keep texting me and i keep ignoring you. not because i want to, but because it’s just hurt so much.
Okay girlies it’s been a while
An update of my summer
First I got into a relationship, she was American and pretty and played sports.
Second ,she made it very clear she liked me from the beginning, she was over the top affectionate, like even throwing her things on the ground to tackle hug me the third time we met cus it had been a while and picked a good date to ask me to be her gf cus she thought the day would be a ‘good anniversary to have’. (we had only been seeing each other for a month and a bit oh which she was on holidays for two weeks and I didn’t see her)
She then, out of the blue, decided to flirt with other women (plural, and 1 girl was so her “type personality wise” that she “forgot she had a gf and flirted with her”) on a trip she took , told me all this cus she felt guilty, then she came back after ghosting me just to immediately break up with me for me being “too emotionally attached”
😐
🤷♀️
Not the best first relationship but uk , what can a girl do I guess🤷♀️
Any advice would be greatly appreciated ☺️
life is fucking horrible. i may not be suicidal anymore, but im at the bottom of the pit of despair even so. she excuses all her ongoing behaviour as necessary and "just what i want" and "just my personality" and "i need to do this" and "you just dont understand" when all of that is not true. you didn't want or need to hurt me like this before.
not only do i know that's not the person you were before, but you will literally have moments of clarity even now, where you suddenly are so terribly sorry and miss me so much and you want to be with me and you just need to hear my voice for a short time please you beg me. you promise to stop cheating and to go to therapy if i will just let you have quality time on call for an hour like we used to. and i give in and i give it to you (although, my voice betrays how hurt and terrified i am. i wonder if you even care, or if machine dispensing my voice to you makes your disorder think it's quality time no matter if i sound like im dying).
i give in because i'm scared i'll never see you again. i'm terrified. even though you've hurt me so many times and so badly that it crushed my soul, so badly that i was about to walk in front of a truck and only stopped myself because i thought "it would hurt you so much when you come out of this madness and realise im gone forever". so badly that i had to stay at the mental ward after you confessed all your sins to me, after months, months, of me begging you and asking you what's wrong, what's going on, why are you so cold and distant, why don't you tell me anything anymore. why don't you come visit me like you promised. why is everything different.
i know you're a different person now, you're dissociated, manic, delusional. you don't care about me, except then you do, for a moment, and then you're gone again. i know that i should give up on you, and i know that most of all, i should ignore you. because either putting that distance between us will force you to realise what you're missing and actually repair yourself and repair what we had, or, it will help me find other people that i might love even more than i loved you. that sounds crazy, because we loved each other like there was nothing else in the world, back then, before you got so ill and strange. i really felt that we are something different. that there is only one of you and that i don't want to let you go, for any reason, ever.
but i have to think positively. i have to think that there might be a cute and sweet girl out there that i would actually love more than i love you, who is true to me and who doesn't hurt me like you do. who is like when you were at your best, your most healthy and loving when we loved each other so much, except she's like that all the time, and she doesn't torture me. she is patient with me just as much as i'm patient with her. she understands me and gives me care, not just the other way around. she is intelligent and we have fascinating conversations that aren't just me lecturing at someone, but a full two way conversation. i don't have to explain to her how to be empathetic or how to be a good partner, because she will be empathetic all the time, and she's already putting in effort to be good with me because she loves me.
i don't know, because i really don't feel that there will be anyone else like you out there, because this wasn't a simple romance. this was something that felt made in the stars. until you started hurting me. until you became so strange. and i know it's the Borderline. we never knew, but now i do. everything adds up. and i wish so badly that you had listened to me and gotten help before. that someone had figured out why you were suffering and helped you, whether it was me or a professional, or yourself. because i did help myself. this whole time, i was helping myself, working on myself, and helping you at the same time, giving you guidance and explanations. even for such basic things as empathy, when you lost yours. and i still loved you and kissed you and wanted to be with you forever, just like you wanted too, even when you were being so strange.
i know i tolerated way too much. i know i helped you way too much, in the sense that you didn't put in the same effort neither to help yourself or to help me. i wanted to help you, but i didn't want to be taken advantage of, or taken for granted. and i communicated that to you, healthily. and in the good days, you listened, healthily. we worked through things. and we were so happy and you were the healthiest you've ever been. and then it started cracking. the fixations, the mania, the dissociation. the cruelty, the loss of empathy, to me, your beloved partner, and to your friends, and to many others. all while you still wanted empathy for yourself. all while you were scared to be hurt and judged and unloved.
i know i should give you up. i know i should slowly start to forget about you. i know i should play cat and mouse, ignore you, see if you will start begging me again, like you already did. and if you don't beg me this time, then i should keep the game up, and find a new girl. in my own time, not too fast, not too desperately, but to meet new girls and to maybe fall in love with them, if the stars are aligned again.
but it hurts so much. you are so special to me. and i was so special to you. even now, even after all this, you still said so. you still said you think we'll have each other forever in some way, that you still think you'll come live with me, just not now. because right now you have to be the cruellest creature on the planet and treat me like i'm nothing but a button you can press when you get bored, all because you think your Borderline is your entire personality, that all of this "has to" happen, that you "need" this, that what you "want" when you're manic is not ruining your life, sabotaging your happiness.
i wish i could just say, "goodbye, i know you will miss me one day but it will be too late, i will have moved on, and you will have to bear the consequences of your actions and feel the weight of the pain". or, "goodbye, i know you probably won't even miss me because you're so delusional and not yourself that i'm not sure you'll ever be yourself again, and i guess that's not my problem anymore".
or, "goodbye for now. maybe you will survive, and maybe i will see you later. maybe you will be yourself again, and understand that you were not sane. maybe we will love again. or maybe you will die, and i will mourn you, but i will know that the girl i loved was no longer in that body, and hope that you finally feel peace."
but i can't feel any of this. i just want her back. i want her to be like she used to be. i want her to love me, and only me. i want her to be healthy and happy with me again, to smile like the sun. to be grounded and not fixated or manic or dissociated. and most of all, i want her to be safe. because where she is now, she is not safe. and that makes it very hard to let go of her. to think she might die while i am ignoring her to see if it will make her talk to me, do better, when she realises how she misses me. to think that cat and mouse game might be the last thing that ever happens between us. i can't handle that. i hate these games. i hate her disorder for doing this to her. i hate her parents and society for abusing her and causing her this trauma and this disordered behaviour. i love her so much and i want her to be safe and i want her to be herself and i want to have her back.
i really hope she finally gets help. i really hope it's not too late. i really hope she won't be in physical danger. i really hope she will become herself again. i really hope that somehow, i can have her back, the way she was.
and i really hope i start giving up. i hope i start internalising how much she hurt me. how much of the time that she was not very good to me. how much of the time she was unfair, selfish, even when she was good. how much effort it took her to do the most basic things, like helping out with meals, even when she was at her best, even when we felt that we loved each other fully, even when she was relatively healthy, she was really not well, and she was not a very good partner. she loved me, and that was all i wanted. i could put up with everything else. i could put up with her not helping out, with her being insensitive, with her saying some stupid things even when she wasn't being that cruel. i could put up with anything, i could be patient with her "until she feels better", until we have jobs and until we live together full-time, until she can get therapy, until our lives are easier. i could put up with anything, no matter how long, if she just loved me, and wanted me. and she did. and it almost killed me.
i've been living in her world for so long, and before that in my ex's world for a decade. and both of their worlds aren't real. i had to adapt to living in this made-up world where other rules apply, where the same action has different consequences, where the victim is the abuser, where the reaction to the abuse becomes a justification of the abuse, where what i've experienced is taken away from me and claimed to be untrue, where my feelings don't matter, but theirs do, where the slightest disagreement becomes a reason for punishment, where everything good and kind i ever did stops counting at the drop of a needle. i live in alice's wonderland, where nothing makes sense, where words are twisted, and abiding by her rules, or my ex's rules, doesn't necessarily even guarantee a good outcome, because really, nothing, nothing makes sense. and it doesn't matter that you point out to them that they aren't making sense in reality, because their illness creates self-fulfilling excuses for everything. if someone disagrees, it's because they're stupid, or just can't understand them, it's because they don't know the full truth. but all that the "full truth" actually is, is a personality disorder. volatile and unstable emotions and impulses and fixations based in trauma that don't make real sense in the real world.
i also have severe trauma. i had it from childhood, teenagehood, and now i have it from 15 years of relationship trauma, which was my whole adult life so far. but i never let that trauma take control like this. i always worked hard to figure myself out in a healthy way, by learning mental health and psychology and goodness, not in the "i need to figure myself out by enabling my impulses, cheating and lying and behaving destructively and doing drugs, everything to escape my internal conflicts" way.
of course my trauma affects me a lot. it's what kept me in these relationships, to a degree. the fact that i really wanted to have their love no matter how they treat me. i wanted to be loved and cared for and to be happy together, because i've been unhappy for my whole life. but they didn't make me happy, not consistently. just now and then. and i accepted it because of my own trauma, even if i think the largest part is simply because i do love them. because as humans, we do match each other really well, we get along really well, just... not when the disorder hits. they are like completely different people from day to day, while i'm always myself, even if sometimes i'm a bit more sad, or a bit more detached, or a bit more stressed, i never stop being a good person, i never dissociate from my own personality, i find ways to handle my struggles that don't destroy my partner or my relationship.... i care, and i always care, and i still care, now, after all that she did to me. and it's horrible to care this much. but i also think it's important to care this much. i think it's important to love truly and deeply, to support others through bad times. but they weren't supporting themselves. that's the problem. even now, she's not taking care and taking steps to do better, and i know my ex didn't either, even though i no longer know what happens in their life, i can imagine with likely accuracy.
im trying to get myself out of this wonderland, i have one foot in her world, one foot in the real world, but that's a grand step for me. i'm meeting people that aren't like her, that aren't living in delusions. it's so tragic. she hated her mom for her mom's delusions and abuse so much, but she's recreating the exact same thing. i really wish things would've been different. i really wish she'd have trusted me and let me help her before things became like this. i really wish her country had adequate support for her illness, because she's not getting any help, not even when she tried to call the right clinic during a brief moment of clarity. it's so hopeless and so tragic, and i miss her so much, and i love her with all my heart. but i have to keep grounding myself in the real world and not let her keep me in wonderland.
You left because you saw the way I see myself, didn't you?
jackie after breaking up with kelso:
jackie after breaking up with hyde:
If you loved her then why did you leave her ?