We Asked Our Pfatter University Students To Show Us How Theyre Spending Their Summer Away From Campus.

We asked our Pfatter University students to show us how they’re spending their summer away from campus. Here’s some of our submissions so far - should we ask for more?

Harry O., incoming senior, has been working up a sweat as he perfects his tennis serve.

Donnell T., incoming junior, started his big internship at one of the big banks, where they serve complimentary donuts every morning (and afternoon, and after hours).

Patrick L., rising senior, is closing in on his dream of hiking every major peak in New England. He reports it being much easier as a freshman …

Zeke D., Ali R., and Marshall W. met up at the beach in their hometown of Santa Monica and cracked a few beers … then hit the buffet!

“I was sad to hear that Erik wouldn’t be my RA again for my sophomore year. He got placed in a dorm across campus. But at least once a week we’d meet up at the Pfatter U all-you-can-eat dining hall - he’d keep refilling my plate and ask me how life on the hockey team was going. By the end of the season, they moved me to goalie, since I had grown so much I took up the entire net. I think I have Erik to thank for that!” - Freddie L., sophomore

It’s September and classes are back in session at Pfatter U. To celebrate, we are proud to announce the debut of our new, self-service Thickening Machines!

Developed in our biology labs, the machines are able to rapidly add fat cells to any student body - an athlete looking for a competitive advantage or a slim freshman looking for some more weight to throw around.

The good news is they’re 95% accurate! The other 5% of the time, it triples the subject’s weight. Hope they don’t mind! Something tells us these Thickening Machines will get a lot of us this semester. Want to see more results?

Uh-oh! Dr. Xavier Pande, esteemed chemistry professor, accidentally contaminated our sophomore dorm’s water supply. He’d been experimenting on a rapid weight-gain serum that activates when absorbed through the skin.

Dozens of our summer session students proved his formula’s working when they rapidly began expanding before each others’ eyes in the communal dorm showers!

Should we address the contamination? Or … ask Dr. Pande to make another batch? 😈

When a student isn’t achieving their full potential, we assign them a knowledgeable, well-fed upperclassman tutor who is authorized to use any motivation necessary to expand their knowledge (and waistlines). Here’s a few private sessions from our past school year!

How do the new recruits react to their first couple pounds when they get on campus?

Our students start to see the effects of the calorie-dense dining hall food far before their freshman year starts. Most of them are shocked to find they’ve gained 15-20 lbs by the end of their incoming-student orientation! Here’s Landon and Nick, from last summer.

Our first orientation for the 24-25 school year ends in a few days. Wanna see the results? Let us know!