Limerance

limerance

college.

i’m hungry now- empty and yearning for the experience i dreamt of. of ivy covered libraries and freedom and kissing girls and heated discussions somewhere far, far away. nothing matches the image, its just beyond my reach. i want to run to it and grab it in my hands but they are too small, too young, too poor. I own nothing, not even the hair on my head. he has made this that much clearer. my pockets are empty and i am starving. i want to sit in my twin-size bed and not hear my phone ring. i want silence, like when a seed rests deep in the dirt. i want to grow without being pushed back in. i want to find other people like me and make a family for myself. not the kind that he force feeds to me, but the kind where the only entry requirement is unconditional love. in that day dream unconditional love exists for people like me. sometimes when i sit at a table with him i feel like frankenstein’s monster, mish mash of ugly cadaver parts. but somewhere there are other monsters, making friends with each other and studying in libraries and hosting pride parades. i’m sick of the dungeon, i’m starving. 

this poem means a lot to me

when you found me in the darkness

we ran

hand in hand,

i thought it was a miracle

that we were escaping together

but you later told me

out of breath

and laughing

that it was your home

we had run from.

when i had a mars bar during my oxford psychology program study session i reached peak remus lupin kin status

moving on

i expected an explosion

it would have had to take a supernova 

to shake you out of my arteries and my blood stream 

the smell of your shampoo and the clink of your rings

full moon faded from the sky- aquarius slipping away into ink

but it was quiet, church square at night

when i realized 

silent, my heartbeat as it was killed 

expectations crushed by my own cruel hands

rejecting myself before you ever could 

i will not be the one 

i didn’t have to leave to move on

quiet, the walk home

dry smiling face

without feeling

without meaning

silent, empty, loveless

"Nothing ever ends poetically. It ends and we turn it into poetry. All that blood was never once beautiful. It was always just red." - Kait Rokowski