Right Now, I Dont Care About Anything. Becoming Friends With You Once Again, I Can Do That. Or Even Becoming

“Right now, I don’t care about anything. Becoming friends with you once again, I can do that. Or even becoming a rival, I can do that too. Or even you liking me or hating me, I can take it all. You can be whatever you want to be. It’s not important to me anymore. But can I ask you for one thing? Do not disappear like that again, please.”

Hug… Too tight!

Pearl Next Door Links

A GL spin-off from the series “Gameboys” about Pearl’s love story during quarantine on the Philippines.

Episode 1

Episode 2

“Time is like water, Murong Yu. Meeting each other in this world of too much war, too much chaos, was our misfortune, yet the single fortunate thing is that we met each other.

We have never betrayed each other and no matter the challenges or obstacles, we will always be faithful to each other.

It’s just that we have to pay the price for it; to be intimate but never close, to be in love but never together.”

Another update on my Cold Sands fanart~ please read CS and suffer with me~ this fanbase is entirely too small~

My boyfriend - Kurosawa Yuichi

“You are right there beside me my little shy angel. Our date is postponed,  but my heart still beats hard. With Adachi by my side  I will be happy for life.”

ADACHI AND KUROSAWA- THE MEANING OF TOUCH

First thing first: Touch can be physical (come into contact with something), internal (emotional, feeling touched, concerned sympathy and gratitude) or mental/psychic (an effect on something: talent, skill or presence). In the dictionary, there are so many meanings for touch, but this show focused on this three. 

Episode 7 was all about touch, touch and even more TOUCH. In a show where the premise is on the magical abilities of touch being used to help and ease the lives of people including our main character,  we come to see in this episode just how much touch is needed even in his new blossoming relationship with Kurosawa. How these two discover how much they need the other’s touch is so incredible, and I love it so much. So here’s my breakdown for it :) Here are instances this episode where touch happened and what it meant for these two cuties. 

The confession with the touch:  

Kurosawa has just confessed, and he’s about to lean forward and touch Adachi’s cheek a sign of affection; Kurosawa feels rejected and a burden to Adachi. Adachi flinches because of anxiety in his head: The touch was to show sincerity and love, but at this time, they both are too scared.

 Adachi and his anxiety 

Again it wasn’t that Adachi didn’t want Kurosawa’s touch but the opposite; he was frightened because of too many thoughts in his head, his heart was racing, and his whole mind was shutting down at that moment.  Kurosawa wanted something with him. He realised what was happening and then, was shocked when Kurosawa’s hand fell from his cheek. Adachi knows he has to stop him from leaving, but he’s frozen, still unsure that he’s right for Kurosawa, still uncertain about what to say, how to phrase how he feels, still unsure of everything in his head. So he lets him leave, Kurosawa takes that as acceptance, he thinks Adachi is straight and likes girls so of course, he’s not into him, it breaks his heart immensely, but he decides to stay polite and return back to them being colleagues. Machida is such a great actor, you can physically see and feel when Kurosawa feels deflated and defeated, after seven years he must say goodbye to a love that meant everything, he took a risk, but he lost everything but most importantly Adachi’s touch. 

The touch at this moment was not fulfilled, it was hindered and stopped by Kurosawa because both were scared: this touch meant for both of them the truth, crossing the line and risking it all to be with each other, but because Kurosawa stopped it left both of them dissatisfied and heartbroken.

Kurosawa’s reason for liking Adachi

Kurosawa felt objectified, used by people who didn’t really understand or know the real him. People were only viewing him on the surface, from the outside. It should feel great, but he didn’t like it, he hated being objectified and not actually being noticed. But  Adachi was different. Adachi noticed him; he gave him reasons why he thought he was cool why he thought he was great because, in Adachi’s mind, Kurosawa is much better and awesome than him. Adachi also felt touched by Kurosawa’s gesture from their first meeting, when he took the wine glass and drank for him despite not being strong enough to do so. That’s why he followed him and comforted him; it’s one of the automatic things with Adachi and Kurosawa, Adachi hates seeing Kurosawa hurt, so he followed him to ensure he was okay. In doing so, he also touched his heart without knowing and changed everything for Kurosawa. 

Kurosawa’s touch to Adachi 7 years ago: made him feel cared for, protected and happy.

Adachi’s touch to Kurosawa 7 years ago: made him feel noticed, understood and appreciated. 

They did this all by being near each other, but also Kurosawa decided to repay Adachi because of this hence why he never thinks a bad thought about him, he also wants Adachi to feel noticed for his efforts (therefore his thoughts and the way he protected Adachi in episode ½ when it came to work) he wanted Adachi to feel understood by people. He wanted people to give Adachi proper appreciation. Adachi did the same without knowing; he wanted to ensure Kurosawa felt the same way he made him feel, hence he hates him being upset at him, he hates when he’s in trouble with people/work, and he hates when he feels his feelings don’t matter. They both again keep trying to repay the other for how they made each other feel at their first meeting. It was a perfect match, and it started from touch.

Adachi and Kurosawa: the need to please people

 It’s such a meta thing that Kurosawa and Adachi met each other because of an event where both were forced to come to be objectified by one of the heads. It’s interesting because the reason that keeps preventing Adachi and Kurosawa from confessing how they feel is the perception of internalised homophobia. 

Adachi is worried about how society would think; he’s also concerned about not being good enough for Kurosawa in people’s mind. Kurosawa is scared about the same thing; that his feelings are seen as abnormal to Adachi, that he’s just burdening him with his feelings etc.

 All this back and forth and running away is because of both’s need to please people though they both feel uncomfortable and disappointed each time they do so. Adachi has social anxiety, so although he wants to help and be useful to people, he hates situations where there’s too much pressure on him and where he has to interact with strangers; he gets anxious, worried and feels stupid each time this happens. Adachi literally can’t eat because of his anxiety at the dinner it’s so relatable the way he feels scared about how people perceive him. 

 Kurosawa tries to please people by not saying how he feels; he feels inappropriate to complain about being objectified when it’s meant to be viewed as a compliment, he tries his hardest to be kind and help everyone. Still, he also feels defeated and empty by the fact that if he says no, he could ruin everyone’s jobs and opinions on him. They’re trying to conform to social expectations, behaviours and perceptions by not genuinely being themselves a perfect metaphor for why they both avoided confessing or ran away from admitting to the other.  

They both saw through each other in that event and because of that automatically touched the other heart because of it. 

Kurosawa’s drunken fall

Did you notice they were two touches in this scene: One when Adachi catches Kurosawa, and the second when he puts his hand on his heart. Both can be seen literally; Adachi is saving and catching Kurosawa as he falls. Adachi is like a healing presence to him (just like the results of his magic), Adachi makes him feel safe and secure, and I find it so important to notice how Adachi does this automatically. We’ve watched each episode and saw Kurosawa let doubts fill his mind, about the kiss, about annoying Adachi, about being a burden but Adachi automatically runs to him and blurts out what he’s thinking always erasing Kurosawa’s doubt and making him feel safe to be the way he is, to like Adachi the way he has, to keep doing the things he’s terrified of. 

That’s Adachi being his safety net without realising. Adachi wants always to make sure he’s safe. It’s innate in their relationship. Last Adachi is catching him when he’s meant to be the one catching everyone else/ saving everyone else. Adachi is the only person who made an effort to pay attention to Kurosawa, to help Kurosawa, to also see Kurosawa just like everyone else; it was a relief to Kurosawa, it was important. 

Because of this, Adachi physically, literally and metaphorically touches his heart and enters without knowing. 

But the physical touch also points back to the magic that started it all for Adachi’s realisation and awakening; the magic stemmed from that touch, just like in present the magic keeps helping Adachi pay attention and catch Kurosawa each time he slips, the magic was there from the start just waiting to manifest and its source was Adachi’s need to show Kurosawa he was loved, listened to and looked after. That’s beautiful.

Also, notice how Kurosawa and Adachi are always reading each other’s minds without knowing it? We have Adachi who has the physical ability to read Kurosawa’s mind, but you also have Kurosawa being able to read Adachi’s mind without knowing. In this scene, Kurosawa confesses he felt useless, and he felt upset for being useless at the dinner, but Adachi was also feeling the same way, he also didn’t fulfil his responsibilities at the dinner, he felt worse than Kurosawa, uncool, gloomy and a burden but hearing Kurosawa, someone he was starting to think was really impressive and cool, excellent (he showed jealousy seeing how suave Kurosawa was at the dinner), it made him feel relieved that Kurosawa was just like him, and it again increased his confidence to want to tell Kurosawa why he liked him and thought he was cool. Without knowing it, Kurosawa was metaphorically catching Adachi too and making him feel safer and less worried. 

In this scene, touch meant for both of them :

A safe space to be their authentic self.

A relief that they weren’t failures/useless.

Inspiration/ confidence to be even better. 

They’re both so great guys, so good, so pure and perfect for each other. 

Adachi’s memories of Kurosawa

Did you notice this too? They all had to do with Kurosawa’s touch, putting a scarf around his neck, touching his cheek, carrying him, helping his wounds, helping him with his things,  they all showed how Kurosawa touched Adachi emotionally: he was comfort and warmth (the scarf), he was helping hand and companion, he was healing presence, and he was understanding and protective of Adachi every single moment he was with him. 

But he also made Adachi’s heart race (each time he tried to touch his cheek), and that touch was excitement/nervousness. I also love how the first act of Adachi when he realised how much he needed Kurosawa’s touch was to ignore and walk away from helping his colleague. He’s not thinking about pleasing other people, He’s thinking about Kurosawa,  he’s doing what he wants, and he’s brave. Kurosawa did that.

That’s how Kurosawa and Adachi touched each other without realising their physical touches, emotional metaphorical touches, and their mental touches in each other’s life. Both of them meant so much to the other, fit each other, needed each other without understanding until they finally confessed at the end of this episode. That final hug and Adachi responding after feeling scared, that kinda touch is the most precious, most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in a couple and I am obsessed with this couple’s growth and relationship.