Projectsos - What Matters Is You And Not The State Of You - Tumblr Blog

"if things ever get bad again, these are the words you'll hear in your mind like a tape playing over and over, like a song stuck in your brain. these words will hold you up and carry you. they are your lifeline."

don't be afraid, just start the tape | iwtv s2ep5

At the back of my copy of The Vampire Armand, there's an old interview with Anne Rice talking about creating that novel. I've never forgotten her answer to one of the questions... It haunted me for years.

It gives incredible insight into how and why she wrote such beautiful, brutal and broken characters, and what she endured in the creation process.

BUT before you read this, I'm going to STRONGLY warn you, it goes to very very DARK places

Q: What are your work habits for a novel?

A: Once I truly begin to write, I work obsessively, in twelve-hour days, punctuated by days of long sleep and vivid dreaming. Starting time and ending time are no longer important. I might begin at 9 A.M., or after noon or at eight in the evening. I go from there. I turn on the computer and write, write, write.

My room is a mess. Notes are scribbled on the walls so that I can look up at them at the appropriate moments and insert the date, the name, whatever, when I need it. Books are stacked so high that people have to search for me when they come into the room. Opened books with marked-up pages are stacked on top of one another.

I become suicidal. I go through a horrid despair some time or other before the final page, during which everything seems meaningless—from the dawn of history to the very hour in which I am writing.

I’m intolerable to live with. But I spread myself thin over a number of loved ones and staff members so that no one person has to put up with how intense, hysterical, and miserable I am.

When I get elated and talk fast and furiously about wonderful aspects of history or the characters, or good developments in the story, people run away from me. I don’t blame them.

While the novel is being written, I try to avoid dressing for outdoors. No one can make you go out if you don’t have shoes on. Not even in the south. I wear long velvet robes and soft velvet slippers. I refuse to go out. All food is brought in. I eat hamburgers because they are easy to hold with one hand while reading and holding the book with the other hand.

In the middle of the night I read, sometimes on the carpeted floor of the bathroom, just because it’s warm. I am wretched. I don’t care anymore about being abnormal. Writing is everything. Everything. It seems impossible to write the book. It seems impossible to lift a hairbrush to brush my hair. But I do it. I put on mascara every day that I write.

This period of intense work lasts about six weeks. It’s best that way. My imagination is overheated, and my memory clogged with data of varying importance. If I go over six weeks, I begin to forget things; I feel the loss of intensity and information and I become all the more self-destructive and obsessed.

The end of the book is a big event for me. A big event. I start screaming. I put the hour and the date at the end of the last page. I expect everybody to understand, at least a little. It’s a triumph! The darkness of destiny has been driven back for a brief while. I celebrate. I scream, eat chocolate, and sleep.

Right near the end of writing The Vampire Armand, I realized I had to return to Italy, especially to Florence, and at once I began to make preparations for the trip. As soon as the novel was finished and off to the publisher’s, as soon as it could be accomplished, I flew to Italy. That gave me hope, a way out of a life threatening darkness that often follows the climax of a book. But I still ate chocolate and screamed.

While writing, I don’t want to rest. I don’t want to sleep. Why sleep? It seems stupid, except when weariness overcomes me like a giant cloud of poisonous vapor. Then I sleep fifteen to twenty hours. I tell people to go in and out of the bedroom and ignore me lying there, as if I were dead. I won’t talk on the phone. I won’t open my eyes if I don’t have to. I dream terrible, upsetting dreams.

I want to kill myself. But I can’t. I can’t do it to other people, and I have work that must be done, novels that must be written. So I don’t kill myself. Besides, I don’t think it’s good to kill oneself. It’s a horrible idea. It has a horrible effect even on acquaintances.

I think a lot about people I loved who are dead. I think of how dead they are, year after year, ever more dead.

Hannibal + Winter at night

#get yourself a man who looks at you the way Ed looks at Stede

Are you hungry? Let’s go eat something warm. You know me well.

ive been thinking and honest to god: i think i would actually join a girl gang if the offer came. like a legitimate, hierarchical, “let’s carry knives under our skirts and beat up men” gang. fuck college

How can you.. someone like me.. I wish I knew! It makes no sense. Even though you were the one who said you liked me..and your eyes always on me…and you kissing me…and still? … Do you have any idea how I felt when you changed your number on me?! Kiyoi…. Don’t touch me! Are you fucking kidding me with this! You can go to hell! I… I love you so much I can’t bear it. You’re like a god to me and I.. I can never reach you. I…. I’m not a god. Kiyoi… I … Can I touch you? if your touch is going to be the same as always, then I don’t want it.

Utsukushii Kare ep. 6

Major misconceptions about Banana Fish debunked by Yoshida Akimi, the writer

(spoilers)

Misconception: “Ash dying in the end was editorial meddling because Yoshida wasn’t allowed to write a story where gay people survive and become happy, so actually Ash should survive and move to Japan and live happy ever after with Eiji.”

Sato (Yoshida’s editor): “If I wasn’t your editor, I’d probably have thought a female Blanca [who hooks up with Ash] would have been fun to read too. I don’t remember what I said at our meeting [to change Yoshida’s mind], but I probably looked like I wasn’t pleased with it.”

Yoshida: “Did you think that Ash having sex with a woman wouldn’t fit?”

Sato: “Not really… I wonder what I was feeling?”

Yoshida: “For me, you know, there’s no sex scenes with women [in BF]. So I felt like I’d like to show that hey, Ash is a guy! Since Ash isn’t actually gay.”

Yoshida: “I had Ashita no Joe in mind [when I wrote the ending].”

Sato: “Yeah, you talked about that back then.”

Host: “In HIkari no niwa, it says directly that Ash died.”

Yoshida: “I said he died! (laughs) There were people who kept writing to me saying Ash has to be alive and that he has to come to Japan, kept saying ‘He’s actually alive, right?’“

Host: “They insisted he’d use the ticket he got from Eiji and come to Japan?”

Yoshida: “Nothing that specific, but I wonder why some girls think of happiness in that sort of context. They kept saying, ‘He’ll come to Japan and the two of them will be happy, right?’ and I always wondered, why would you insist that coming to Japan will make him happy? What is happiness?”

Host: “Do you think fans will get mad when you say that?”

Yoshida: “I do wonder. I always worry about how to deal with my protagonists who are criminals. Obviously they’re hurt by killing people, but still. […] They kill because otherwise they’d be killed, but they’re still murderers. I feel giving a proper ending to people like that is very difficult, and in the end in Banana Fish I decided that he shouldn’t survive.”

Fujimoto: “Why did Ash die?”

Yoshida: “I was conflicted about that. I had two endings in mind, one where he dies and another where he doesn’t, but I’d decided a long time ago that he would die, so I felt I couldn’t change that.”

Fujimoto: “What was the ending like where he didn’t die?”

Yoshida: “Nothing special, he just doesn’t die (laughs).”

Fujimoto: “Nothing happens between him and Eiji, they just part ways and…”

Yoshida: “Yes, like that. But I felt that the ending I’d thought of first was the most fitting.”

Fujimoto: “So when you started this series, your plan was that Ash would die.”

Yoshida: “Exactly. To say the truth, I only became conflicted about whether he would die or not quite late on in the serialization.“

Fujimoto: “When was it exactly?”

Yoshida: “When River Phoenix died (laughs). I began thinking this wasn’t a joke. But my original theme for this story was that there’s something fascinating about people who die young, like how this person lived his full life in 17 years rather than the 70 years it takes for normal people. But in reality, people dying young is a terrible tragedy. So I thought maybe I shouldn’t go there. But when it comes down to it, Ash is a killer. I feel that regardless of what might have been behind the killings, people who take another person’s life need to make up for it with their own life. So that’s why I wrote that ending. Also, I didn’t think Ash would get to live long anyway (laughs).”

Fujimoto: “Some writers say it takes a lot of energy to kill off their characters. How do you feel about killing off your characters?”

Yoshida: “Me? That’s not really an issue for me. I’d killed off a lot of characters before, and it wasn’t a big deal. The only thing was that River Phoenix died young in real life, so I thought ‘This is bad.’ If that hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have felt anything about it. I don’t think dying young is an unhappy thing. Whether people were happy or not doesn’t depend on how long they lived. I always wonder if people were happy just because they had a long life.”

Misconception: “Banana Fish is actually shonen manga, and if Yoshida had her way or if it had been written today, it would have been shonen or seinen (or BL).”

Headline: “I like shojo manga because anything goes”

Fujimoto: “Don’t you get a lot of offers from magazines aimed at men?”

Yoshida: “I do, but I think writing for boys is boring. Their wants and desires are too obvious (laughs). And I feel they’re conservative… or how should I say it, they refuse to believe in magic? They don’t believe in magic and instead believe in their own sexual desires (laughs). I’m envious of how simple they are (laughs). But girls aren’t like that. They’re confusing and complicated and I don’t know what they’ll react to and how, and on the flip side that means anything goes.”

Sources: Shojo manga-damashii, Banana Fish official guidebook

黄金台 [Golden Stage] Official Audiodrama Art

YUWU [Remnants of Filth] Official Art - Part. 4

Part. 1

Part. 2

Part. 3

Sad 1 year I guess.... 🥺

Three moments

Two lifetimes

Connected as one

song lang (2018)

“it’s late. stay here until the morning.”

#these bitches gay

チェリまほ | faceless series - 3/?

I wanted to believe it, so I stopped voicing it out  Why do I want to be loved?  Why do I want to love?

チェリまほ | faceless series - 2/?

The things that I can’t even do  and the fact that I don’t belong anywhere Oh Lonely boy 

チェリまほ | faceless series - 1/?

You are melting into the sunset I am fading into the sunrise If our paths never cross again, then, that is the way it is.

Here we go again clowns ✌🏼

The wait is finally over, Immortality premieres on April 8th 2021!!!

🤡We are clowns until further notice🤡

我不是来救你的，我是来爱你的。

I’m not here to save you, I’m here to love you.

“人各有命，缘浅缘深。看来我与他注定无缘。明日之约我终难赴，还请你让他……让他自多珍重。” 

“别再盼我……”

YUWU [Remnants of Filth] Official Art - Part. 3

Part. 1

Part. 2

Part. 4

YUWU [Remnants of Filth] Official Art - Part. 2

Part. 1

Part. 3

Part. 4

Nan Chan is very good  

YUWU [Remnants of Filth] Official Art - Part. 1

Part. 2

Part. 3

Part. 4

Remember when our only piece of official art was this:

And now they are married officially!