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S03 Local People No. 8: Tish

Tish Guppy

Ideal Husband: Rupert Everett

Religion: Rasta-buddhist

Indian Food: Sainsbury's 'Be Good to Yourself' Chicken Korma

Favorite Smell: Imitation leather on a sweaty German tourist in Camden

Hates: Homophobia, Racism, Andi Peters

S03 Local People No. 7: Owen

Owen Fallowfield

Funeral Hardware: The Davis 'Never Slip's Chin Support

Favorite Smell: Formaldehyde and Warm Farts

Favorite Clothing: Jacket with a slit up the back

Apocryphal Necrophilia Story: Marilyn Monroe and the 17 types of semen.

Premature Burial Safety Device: Red Flag and Pulley

S03 Local People No. 4-6: Debt Collectors

Barrington 'Barry' Baggs

Doorstep Gambit: 'Have you got any Tizer?'

Favorite Means of Repayment: I.O.U.

Favorite Food: Mixed Grill and Tinned Pears

Most Intimidating Item of Clothing: Frankie Goes to Hollywood baseball cap

Criminal Record: Once ate all peas from their pods in Morrison without paying

Glen Tillbrook Baggs

Doorstep Gambit: 'Just open the door and we'll have a talk'

Favorite Means of Repayment: Direct Debit

Favorite Food: Slimfast

Most Intimidating Item of Clothing: Backless Driving Gloves

Criminal Record: Driver for botched Group 4 heist

Joseph Nigel Lisgoe

Doorstep Gambit: 'Give us the fucking money'

Favorite Means of Repayment: 'Give us the fucking money'

Favorite Food: No time to eat

Most Intimidating Item of Clothing: The Belt

Criminal Record: 'No, no, no, no, no, no, no'

S03 Local People No. 2-3: Peter and Shelia

Peter Foot

Blood Type: Not Right

Marital Status: Crap!

Teeth: Under bed in a beetroot jar

Motto: Prepare yourself

Buried or Cremated: But I'm not dead yet...

Shelia Foot

Blood Type: B+

Marital Status: Widow-in-waiting

Teeth: Lon Chaney Jnr.

Motto: Everything in moderation

Buried or Cremated: Both

S03 Local People No. 1: Dr. Carlton

Dr. Ira Carlton

Favorite Game: Operation

Mid-Morning Snack: Polio on Sugar Cube

Role Model: Dr. Patch Adams (Robbie Williams)

Ideal Patient: Toni Arthur in Callipers

Medical Advice: If you eat 20 packs of Polos in one day you go sterile

Xmas Local People No. 4-7: Victorian Royston Vasey

Dr. Magnus Purblind

Christmas Food: Brandy Butter (without the butter)

Christmas Ghost Story: M.R. James's 'The Gin Blossoms' (without the blossoms)

Stocking Filler: Tangerine (marinated in ethyl alcohol, without the tangerine)

Piece of Victorian Legislation: Prohibition of the Sale of Dypsomanic Imbibements (without the prohibition), 1888

Daguerreotype bought from French Seaman: "The Lady with the Champagne Bottle" (without the lady)

Dr. Singleton Boothby

Christmas Food: A bicycle

Christmas Ghost Story: J. Sheridan Le Fanu's 'A Terribly Strange Velocipede'

Christmas Tipple: A boneshaker

Piece of Victorian Legislation: Right of Ingress for Penny Farthings, Hutchinson Two Wheelers and Related Bi-sprocketed Mechanisms, 1872

Daguerreotype bought from French Seaman: 'Damp in the Saddle'

Christmas Food: Dry Oats

Dr. Timothy Majolica

Christmas Ghost Story: Edgar Allen Poe's 'The Premature Ejaculation'

Christmas Tipple: Luke-warm Water

Piece of Victorian Legislation: The Enwrapment of Women and Children in Damp Tarpaulin Act 1863

Daguerreotype bought from French Seaman: 'Fanny by Gaslight'

Ashdown

Christmas Food: Syrup with Ants

Christmas Ghost Story: Anon, 'The Haunted Honeypot'

Christmas Tipple: Ants in Syrup

Piece of Victorian Legislation: Outlawing of Bear-baiting act 1838

Daguerreotype bought from French Seaman: 'What the Bear Saw'

Xmas Local People No. 3: Matthew

Matthew Parker

Occupation: Tramp

Fears: Men, Germany, 1970's

Football Team: Blackpool F.C.

Christmas Wish: That the dawn will arrive

Scene 19: Two lovebites. I'm right again aren't I?

Xmas Local People No. 1-2: Charlie's Dream

Donna Scott

Fave. Naughty Xmas Song: White Jizzmas

Reindeer Lookalike: Donner

Like to be under Mistletoe with: The Exocet

Ideal Xmas Gift: A divorce

Linedance: Texas tush-push

Lee Scott

Fave. Naughty Xmas Song: Jingle Balls

Reindeer Lookalike: Rudolph

Like to be under Mistletoe with: Stella Hull

Ideal Xmas Gift: The Settlers of Cataan

Linedance: Four-gal Jig

S02 Local People No. 61-62: ESKEWED BEEF

Pamela Doove

Most Recent Work: Third timid cub in 'The Lion King' (not West End)

Venue: The Brockley Jack

Favorite Advert: Greenwood's Oran Doove

Accent: R.P., Cockney, Yorkshire, Jive, Lion

Dream Job: The Louis Armstrong Story

Jed Hunter

Most Recent Work: Admiral Insurance TV Ads

Venue: The Groucho Club

Favorite Advert: Grecian 2000

Accent: Slurred

Dream Job: The Oxo Family

S02 Local People No. 58-60: Go Johnny Go Go Go Go

Mike King (Charles II)

Wears: Lurid Waistcoat

Card Game: Mongle

Board Game: The Settlers of Cataan

Computer Game: Final Fantasy VII

Game Bird: Guinea Fowl

Jonathan Best (Georgie)

Wears: Frilly Knickers and a Playtex Bra

Card Game: Orantantithererpimperladysoberdoberdickyantopomtantopomtitherepimperjig

Board Game: Skirrid: The Shapes Game

Computer Game: Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?

Game Bird: Vanessa Feltz

Simon Saez (Doc)

Wears: Green Scrubs

Card Game: Knock Out Whist

Board Game: Don't Let the Leaves Fall

Computer Game: Donkey Kong

Game Bird: Pheasant

S02 Local People No. 55-57: Hospital

Dr. Edgar Fish

Qualifications: CSE Biology (B)

TV Show: 'Spaced'

Film: 'Beaches'

Facial Hair: 10/10

Life Expectancy: Average

Dr. Lucas Wesley

Qualifications: PhD, MD

TV Show: 'Angels'

Film: 'Evita'

Facial Hair: 7/10

Life Expectancy: Excellent

Mr. Bamford

Qualifications: B.A. (Hons.) Theatre Arts

TV Show: 'One Foot in the Grave'

Film: 'Things to do in Denver when you're Dead'

Facial Hair: 2/10

Life Expectancy: Over

S02 Local People No. 53-54: Charity Shop

Vinnie Wythenshaw

Favorite Bag: Reenie

Senses: None

Duties: The Book

Worthy Cause: Burnley's Biscuit Famine

Dislikes: That Merrill, The Spastics

Reenie Calver

Favorite Bag: Harrods Sale (January)

Senses: Touch, Partial Sight

Duties: Bags (Tea and Plastic)

Worthy Cause: Pet Cancer

Dislikes: The Spastics, That Merrill

S02 Local People No. 52: Chris Frost

Chris Frost

Occupation: Store Detective (Very Good One)

Colour: Grey

Family: Disowned

Biggest Find: 5 Packets of Fruit Polos in the fingers of a false hand

One That Got Away: 13 Qualcast Lawnmowers

S02 Local People No. 50-51: Attachments Dating Agency

Olive Kilshaw

Spots: 1 (G)

Lovers: 20

First Kiss: Daddy

Motto: "You've got to swim with the fishes"

Ideal Man: Current B.F.

Iain Cashmore

Spots: 17

Lovers: 0

First Kiss: Hambel Doll

Motto: "Don't take 'No' for an answer"

Ideal Woman: 30% Madonna, 30% Diana, 30% Hambel, 10% Mum

S02 Local People No. 47-49: Pandemonium Carnival

Papa Lazarou

Wives: 1062

Circus Skill: Babbling on burnt women

Favorite Actor: Marlon Brando, Lionel Blair

Languages: Gippog

Favorite Freak: Penguin Boy

Mama Lazarou

Wives: 0

Circus Skill: 0

Favorite Actor: Peter Barkworth

Languages: English, Gibberish

Favorite Freak: Grace McDaniels the Mule-Faced Woman

Simba, Pebble, & Tik-Tikk

Wives: 1 ½

Circus: Juggling, Capering, Hosing

Favorite Actor: Herve Villechaise, David Rappaport

Languages: Gobble-gobble, Gobble-gobble

Favorite Freak: One of us, One of us

S02 Local People No. 46: C.C. Smith

Cathy Carter-Smith

Status: Miss

Nickname: TLT (tubby little titwitch)

Software: 5" floppy

Hardware: 3" lippy

Likes: Novelty mouse-mats, Dick Emery

S02 Local People No. 44-45: Alles Klar

Herr Wolf Lipp

Age: Before beauty!

Fruit: Yes

Film: 'Death in Venice'

Favorite Smells: Fresh Coffee, cK1, Teenage Sweat

Useful German Phrase: "Holen Sie den Spaten!"

Lotte Lipp

Age: 856

Fruit: Lemon

Film: 'Jaws'

Favorite Smells: Post-asparagus Pee

Useful German Phrase: "Nicht ein anderes!"

S02 Local People No. 43: The Mechanic

The Mechanic

Ex Radio One DJ: Adrian Juste

Calendar Image: Dusky topless lass with alternator over her fudd

Name of lad who helps: Ramesh

Soap Star: Michael Le Vell

Favorite Car/Titmag: Fiesta

S02 Local People No. 41-42: The Mayor

Mayor Vaughn

Cussword: Mary Jane Rottencrotch

Vision for Vasey: Fuck it

Re-election Promise: Give the opposition a bloody nose

'Jaws' Quote: "Martin, my kids were on that beach too"

Favorite Municipal Vehicle: Mobile Cemetery

Murray Mint

Cussword: Fiddlesticks

Vision for Vasey: Organic Knucklescrape factories

Re-election Promise: To bind ye Mayore thricewise so that the Deville in his Mouth will do no harme

'Jaws' Quote: "But you haven't got the tooth"

Favorite Municipal Vehicle: Mobile Brothel

S02 Local People No. 38-40: Créme Brulee

Tony Cluedo

Favorite Rock Album: Chunky, Novi and Ernie: Chunky, Novi and Arnie (Warner Bros 1977)

Biggest Influence: The Amazing Kreskin

Rider: Six cans of Kestrel and Sour Cream and Chives Chips

Ambition: To play the 100 Club (100 Langley Drive, Royston Vasey)

Instrument: Tambourine and Vox

Patch Lafyette

Favorite Rock Album: Teddy Pendergrass: Life is a Song Worth Singing (Philadelphia International 1978)

Biggest Influence: Anton Mesmer

Rider: A good rye whiskey and Tudor Lamb and Mint Sauce crisps

Ambition: To meet Gabrielle

Instrument: Drums, Tabla Rasa, Percussion and Additional Treatments

Bob Chagall

Favorite Rock Album: Jeffrey Fredericks and the Clamtones: Spiders in the Moonlight (Rounder 1977)

Biggest Influence: The Master

Rider: Harvey Smith

Ambition: To create a supergroup called Sludge out of the remains of Slade, and Mud

Instrument: Keyboards, Moog, Mellotron, Irish Harp, and Descant Recorder

S02 Local People No. 36-37: The Windermere

Alvin Steele

Favorite Position: Sitting still

Oral Activity: Lecturing the Chess Club on the Sicilian E5

Stimulant: Jump leads for one

Favorite Morning Activity: Watching 'Bargain Hunt with David Dickinson'

Favorite Evening Viewing: Gerald Harper in 'Frances Durbridge's Deadly Nightcap' at the Theatre Royal

Sunny Steele

Favorite Position: The Motorbike and Sidecar

Oral Activity: Skull Buggery

Stimulant: The three speed Bully Boy 458

Favorite Morning Activity: Massaging the Grafenberg Spot with a Love Egg

Favorite Evening Viewing: 'Im Rausch der Sinne' (US title: 'Greedy Sluts')

S01 Local People No. 35: Mick McNamara

Mick McNamara

Best Asset: Sense of humor

Likes: The Permian era

Dislikes: Redscar caverns and associated potholes

Drink: Shorts

Regrets: The day a kiddie called Jay came on a school trip

S01 Local People No. 34: Lance

Lance Longthorne

Likes: A day spent wearing nothing but underpants.

Dislikes: When the itching starts on the phantom limb

Special Powers: Telekinesis, Mesmerism

Abode: Romany caravan.

Cause of Injury: Arm torn from socket by Frankenstein Monster at early age (one does not easily forget).

S01 Local People No. 33: Ernest

Ernest Foot

Age: 67

Status: Widower

Interests: Meeting ducks and people

Ideal Partner: A deafblind midget (like Jean was)

Ambition: To be with Jean