Storytime And A Little Bit Of Mental Health

storytime and a little bit of mental health

so like my whole childhood i was hella anxious. hated going out, unscheduled events, surprises, other kids, the whole kit and caboodle. and I would get really attached to inanimate objects (I still do). Like if there was a really beat up looking toy I would buy that toy because i felt bad that nobody else would. and it would be my favorite. if i lost it ever i wouldn't stop tantruming for hours.

and it would not be replaced. if my mom tried to replace it I would ignore it out of spite. and then hug it because i felt bad for being mean, but it would never replace the old one. (this drove my parents crazy cause I always Knew when something had been lost and then replaced.)

when i was like middle school, it was the same but it had extended to people. there would be one Person who was My Person. didn't matter who. it could be a random girl that i saw on the way to class in the same spot every day. and then if i didn't see her, i would spiral into panic about did she die? is she okay? what happened oh no even though I hadn't even talked to her ever.

of course I'd see her the next day and everything would be fine.

this habit never stood out to me until i was fifteen. I had a star shaped stuffie that i'd gotten as a present when I'd performed a lead role for the first time. it was a jellycat stuffie, really soft and had little legs and a smiley face. (shown below)

he even had extra stuffing in his booty so he could sit on a ledge.

i fucking loved that thing. stars were like a lucky thing for me and to have a stuffie friend was really nice. I took it everywhere (I was mature for my age except in terms of like. objects.) and liked playing with his feet while I was on a bus or something.

Well somebody stole it.

I was fourteen or fifteen and I honestly didn't even notice somehow until I really wanted to give him a hug (i named him ziggie after ziggy stardust) and I couldn't find him. Literally anywhere. I'd just gone to my aunt's, so I asked her if I'd left it at her house. nope.

My brother had a friend who was really obsessed with me. creepily so. would ask what i was wearing so she could buy it, I would find her looking through by stuff, she shaved her head to look like me during covid. generally annoying but harmless.

well she had been over the day before I noticed him gone and I was like

huh.

turns out she took it right out of my room.

My parents don't go in my room. never did it without knocking. my house was really big on privacy. it was the first time that another person had directly, intentionally violated my space and taken something important from me.

I had a huge breakdown because of it and actually ended up going to the hospital. there was a lot of emotional things that I had associated with ziggie.

It's weird looking back on it from my point now where I feel so emotionally disconnected from everything. I can't imagine ever being so attached to a stuffie that I would spiral that far.

i miss him.

@my-secret-shame fen i would love to know how many notifs you wake up to

your inbox must be exploding

97 notifs in an hour guys what is happening are you okay

give him some decency! he's changing

forgor his pants. how embarrassing

i think im gonna write fics for all my friends cause i love you guys so much

literally i just got 25 more

97 notifs in an hour guys what is happening are you okay

me: *opens document to write* brain: let’s rethink the entire plot instead