Ramblings - Tumblr Posts
Do you know the feeling like when you don't know if your friends are your real friends, like I ask me sometimes are they really my friends or feel they just sorry for me.
Because I don't write them because I don't want to annoy them but they don't write me to, so either they also don't want to annoy me or they just hate me and don't want to be actual friends with me. Like I know my "friends" for about 4 years now and I don't know if I am being annoyning or something or am I ok? Like I don't know?! How tf should I know how to interact with humans, for human interaction I have my daydreaming and fan-fics. My dad says I should not tell myself all the time that I hate humans because the human body needs other humans...but sorry dad just you say also to me that I should go and Do sports when I lay half dead on the couch and you insult my mother over the fucking Phone because of your damn fight with her. You ask why they fight? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW ANYMOR! Like yeah money is Important but mental health also. And then my dad says ,,yeah I don't know why why fight" maybe because you insult her when she do's something. Like you are both divorced. And your eldest son went to Therapie your middle daughter goes to Therapie and maybe your third daughter geschrieben to Therapie I don't know!
...how did I came from friends to my parents?
Im sorry for the person to read that just I had to write because tomorrow is the birthday of my little sister and my parents see each other for an hour not just over Text.
So thank you for reading this and I'm sorry that you read that because I don't wanna bother you with my problems.
Soooo good night I guess?
Moot Moot news
Soooo I just realized that it's tumblr and I don't really have to worry about someone I know seeing anything I post and asking about it or being mean- but also that the whole reason I got on tumblr was to have fun and to just be able to enjoy and share anything that I like with others and vise versa and honestly I've been doing that and having the time of my life--Sooooo, on that note, I changed my mind and I'm just going to post my fic here and while I don't really know what I'm doing I figured I might as well have fun with it so I'm gonna take down the poll and post a teaser and then post the fic, so on that note hope you mind my rambul/waffleing and i'm going to stop talking and end this post before it gets to long hope you have a good day/night
(by the way i'm going to going to be changing my sign off kk bye)
---sazalea
some memes for ur time
oops-
I completely forgot to make a post about my art account sooooo that means that this is that post…… anyway I have an art blog now!! Its called of-stars-and-art, I wanted a place just for my art away from all my writing and ramblings, that's it for now, feel free to check it out if you want byeee
my brain hurts
hii anyone that finds this! this whole page is just me rambling about shit i like or think of randomly during the day. hopefully this is how tumblr is supposed to work, i've only been an outside observer until now! yippee!
hell of a boss or something i can't spell
rewatching all of helluva boss in 2 days seems insane but it is in fact to keep me sane. i feel so goofy but i feel so free. homework be damned, i need to see the funny demon be silly with the bird man.
HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO ME!!!!
I hope for the next splatoon game that we get an actual male idol. Yes, big man is the first male idol but I want to be able to draw a silly little dude without making a human design that everyone will hate or it being cuttlefish.
Yes I know the male agents and Octavio exist but Octavio’s design is weird to me and I’d STILL have to make a human version of him and the girl version of the agents are (arguably) better.
“Why does every cautionary tale has to be about the abusive boyfriends, the drug-addict lovers, the one that never was? I’ve met them all, had my taste but by God, no one prepared me for you.
Pretty boys with sweet smiles that make your blood turn cold, chocolate brown eyes that makes your heart drop to your stomach and the ones that make you feel so alive are the what kill me. Then again, I’d do anything for you.”
FireFreezesSoo, “Almost”
One of my worst traits, I think, is that when I have a huge fixation and then I move on to another, it’s REALLY hard for me to find the same kind of obsession for it as I did back then.
TF2 was all I thought about for probably all of 2020, now I’m trying to get back into it but it’s so hard. I was really happy when the DHMIS and clone high reboots came out, but then again, it’s like I lost the same kind of passion and love for them as I did when I first got into them. I loved rediscovering them but I can’t bring back that kind of love, for some reason.
My superjail obsession has been going since late October and it thankfully hasn’t run out yet; I hope it won’t anytime soon. 😭
IM SO ENERGIZED IVE HAD 4 SHOTS OF ESPRESSOO WHICH I NORMALLY DONT HAVE AND I HAVENT LEFT MY HOUSE IN TWO DAYS RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. FEEL READY TO RUN A MARATHON. MY CATS ARE ASLEEP SO I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO BUT THE USERS IF TUMBLR. ALSO ANYONE WANT TO BE MOOTS OR FRIENDS OR SOMTHING? ANYWAY BYEEEE
Ramble theory i made on a dead discord chat that i just wanna put out more.. cus a REALLY dumb old theory I saw had me thinking about what the Mother Gum and PBs/Neddys actual creation could've logically been.
A tl;dr before the ramble in case people see it and are like "I AIN'T READIN ALL THAT" and don't scroll down:
Basically, I theorize this guy (the former Candy Elemental right b4 the Lich bomb) got nuked, did not survive, and his dead body possibly ended up expanding into a the bubblegum river called the Mother Gum that created Bonnibel and her brother Neddy.
Full explanation under cut. If ya care to see my ramble.
There are some grammatical errors and typos, v sorry, and pls ignore lmao
Sometimes I think about one thing Brandon Sanderson said about coding and writing. He talked about his experience with programming and how he personally found it used the same mental energy as his writing did. I feel like that never hit me harder than when I started making a text-based game. I thought I could pull off something small in a month, not too interesting but hey, a small project.
Turns out I could, yes, but it was incredibly mentally exhausting.
Writing has always been an escape route for me, if I'm tired I write, if I'm stressed I write, if I feel overwhelmed with too many creative juices building up inside my head I write without a care for time. So I figured that whenever I got tired or frustrated with coding (I was learning everything as I went to frustration was something to keep in mind for sure), I'd just, write instead to keep progressing. Well, that didn't work out as well as I thought.
I find it fascinating to think about that, when I tried to switch from coding to writing it didn't feel like a switch to me, it felt like I was in the same mental space almost, like I was tackling problems in very similar ways or as if I just went from writing on one project to writing on a new one, unrelated yet the same. I ended up finishing the project (it was a Christmas gift so I kinda had to lol) but I know I'm not proud of the final result. My writing there is as weak as it gets, and on a year where I already struggled trying not to give up because I didn't see any improvement on my writing, it felt like it was the worst thing I had made yet.
Of course the gift receiver assured me they loved it, and to be fair he did get 2 hours or so of enjoyment out of it, so I know I did something right. But I can't stop thinking about how the earlier passages I wrote, when I hadn't tackled much coding yet, felt completely different to the latter ones. Of course the fact that I had a deadline and *uni* made me a bit more stressed than usual while working on it, but I still feel like those were minor issues. I know I can write okay-ish under pressure, but that was different.
All in all I'm glad I did the project, playing around with Twine was an amazing experience and I'd love to go back to it in the future with more time and a bigger idea, plus I feel like I picked up some new skills that will definetly help me in the future.
Sorry for the long rambling, but I thought it was an interesting thing to notice. I wonder if studying computer science and spending so much time coding might be a factor on how I'm writing less and less, and instead turning to drawing as an outlet to my creativity.
I have had mxtx content so deeply embedded in my thoughts, the brainrot is so fierce. I love the narratives in her books, these themes that I haven't ever felt in a story before. Just some rambling about them that's bubbled up over the last few months:
SVSSS: even with a sense of authority on where the story will go, changes both small and large can surprise or underwhelm you. there are always stories hidden behind characters and characters lost to hidden stories. the narrative we tell about ourselves affects everything about how we interpret the meaning of what we experience. often we are blind to the meanings we emphasize or suppress, confident in the authority of a narrative we insist is true, cohesive, consistent, or normative.
MDZS: everyone has their own version of events, often not in service to truth or justice, but power and image. yes, where you come from and what you endure can be limiting or enabling. yes, it can explain why you do what you do. yes, you still always, always have a choice to do what is right. only you can decide what that is. in some cases, everyone will have an opinion. in others, no one will know or care. you choose whether that influence what you do. it is never too late, it is never over, and every choice is a new opportunity. you can't change choices made in the past, but you can learn from them to inform your choices in the future and influence the options available to those who follow.
TGCF: sometimes you can change the story with brute strength and charisma, sometimes all you can do is endure and regulate your own response to it. you can reinvent yourself over and over, run from your past selves, suppress the parts of you that are shamed, but you will always be with you and only you. all that happens, within and around, bad and good, your actions or others', makes you you. the greatest and worst versions of yourself were all required to make this you -- it's not the state of you that matters, but the essence of you. integrate, rebuild, evolve, rebirth, morph, refine, transform, regress -- the story always progresses and characters always develop, the only story that defines you is the one you iterate.
And for all of them... sometimes, the happy ending isn't sweeping change in the world, awe inspiring redemption, or cathartic revenge. Sometimes it's allowing yourself to have a simple life with the ones you love, staying authentic to your values and desires, and understanding the revolution that is inherent to thriving in the body you live in, all its scars and memories included. You can never control the story of the world, no matter your knowledge, skills, or abilities, nor should you try. Horrid experiences and events can't be eradicated, but neither can beauty, awe, and grace. Unfortunately, these are not often equitably distributed. Fortunately, we can never know which will be in the next moment, which will be the last, if there will be better or worse than we have already felt. Such is living.
I want to know how mxtx constructs her relationship dynamics. They aren't just tropes, archetypes, foils. They feel so full, especially in the ways fandom explores all the nuggets of detail sprinkled throughout canon (and the ways the adaptations add or explore more). And not just the (canon) romantic ones, but also family members and political counterparts. It feels like all the combinations are fleshed out, including implied out-of-scene developments that have creators of transformative works salivating. The relationship between Lan Xichen, Jin Guangyao, Nie Mingjue. My Qing and Feng Xin. Beefleaf. Shang Qinghua and the other peak lords. Pre-canon parent lives, the juniors, towns passed through, the people of the land. Dynamics aren't just push-pull, teacher-student, savior-saved, unstoppable-unmovable, caregiver-cared for, dom-sub, light-dark, runner-statue, etc etc etc. And then to provide reasons for why characters crave that dynamic, why they resist it, how some cave to what they want and need due to circumstance or relationship development, how some are never able to for similar reasons. The part of me that likes to tug and prod at that flow, feeling the angst, struggle, desire and love, has an ocean of content to play with. It's no wonder Wangxian is one of the most prolific ship tags, and I hope to see more for Hualian once (if 😩) more is adapted as animation or drama. (Unfortunately I'm sure SV will continue to be the neglected eldest child -- more/continued adaptations would help there too.) Creators are just so damn creative in the ways they play in this sandbox and I'm just happy to be here to enjoy it. 🥰
I picked up rereading MDZS (first time with the official English release) after resisting the urge for hella months. (I both want to and desperately don't want to move on from these series LOL.) I never picked up on the Nie brothers having different mothers?? And I don't think the impact of that is clear on the plot? But I wonder what the story is there and if it explains why (beyond the whole fake incompetence thing) NMJ is how he is with NHS. I wonder if NHS internalizes something about what happened to his mother in a similar way to how LWJ does with his. I want to KNOW.
Also, I think this means that the Lan brothers are the only fully blood related sibling unit? We spend so much time focusing on the chaos of offspring brought about by JGS that I feel the rest of the sibling dynamics are understated. Potentially the Wen siblings as well, though I don't recall if any detail is provided about their parents. I wouldn't be surprised if they were half siblings as well. The Jiang trio has its own dynamics, blood relation between JC & JYL but none with WWX, yet intense care and affection all the same (among other spicier details).
These tiny details of chaos and instability do so much to set up this world that has been at war for over a hundred years (this story being the conclusion of it... or one part of it, or a hopeful continuation of temporary peace). A generation of parents lost or disconnected (or just shitty). A generation of youth parentified and sent to war too young. Terrified elders fearing the ways the world could get worse or established power could be threatened.
MDZS from Lan Wangji's perspective is a disillusionment. A interrogation of the status quo created out of survival, firm and unquestioning, but simultaneously lifeless. Wei Wuxian comes in representing pure resilient joy in the face of tragedy, a wine stain on pristine white fabric an artifact of the revelry the night before in the face of darkness. Wei Wuxian the bonfire during the long night, promising life and warmth and chaotic joy and a future that is worth living and fighting for. Lan Xichen's disillusionment strikes also through relationship, but much differently.
(Of course I start this post just pondering family relationships and end up waxing romantic yet again about Wangxian because I HAVE THE BRAINROT SO DEEPLY.)
A generation of orphans raising a new crop of hope, rambunctious and resilient and curious. It's not the blood relation that matters, but who cares for your future, who fans your flames with love and wisdom. Who strokes your hair and makes you soup or fits you to sect colors regardless of how you were found sick in a tree trunk.
Who protects you from whatever Nie Mingjue was protecting Nie Huaisang from, the sturdy older sibling shielding their baby brother while also grumbling about their need to toughen up. A protection and expression of care that drove NHS to devise a plan so extensive it involved bringing someone back from the dead for justice.
The tiny details, ugh. They drive me insane.
thinking about the way Wei Wuxian sees the cracks in Lan Wangji's fascade, that calm and cold exterior, with joy and goes "you're human, you're human, you're human" to the point that it breaks Lan Wangji down completely. that's a feeling you can never forget.
thinking about the way Lan Wangji sees the steel in Wei Wuxian's flippancy, that irreverent and silly mask, with sincerity and goes "you're worthy, you're worthy, you're worthy" to the point that it breaks Wei Wuxian open completely. that's a feeling that can keep you alive.
they are so much more than complimentary or foils for each other. they act as each other's key to a part of themselves that is usually locked away, shining light on each other's shadows without even realizing the lifetime of experience they're contradicting.