Another One

i dont know how to tag it and alas i dont really care enough i was going to draw something but i am a sloth. a lazy brain-rotting tree-dwelling mammal but i am really really cute so please let it slide everyone around me keep saying i should try to work as a florist because of my interest in flowers that suddenly appeared half a year ago honestly speaking i hated flowers for as long as i have existed before that. they were making me depressed the whole idea of something cute in your hands that is destined to become a withered rotting thing overnight is nothing but depressing that i was thinking before i learned how to properly take care of cut flowers. now i can make them stay for a bit longer. like a week or so it is still sad nevertheless. but I guess my perspective on things has changed as well. i am not talking about flowers more like about life and death but its too philosophical for a silly gigantic post in my silly little blog so im not going to talk about it i like to dry flowers. dunno if I do it properly tho a few days ago i watched kusuriya no hitorigoto in which characters are compared to flowers! there is a dried flower as well the dried rose there was described as “still beautiful despite the time and harshness it went through” but the character the rose was alluding to was merely a walking brainless corpse and in the context it really made sense. these two contradicting facts in actuality create the complete picture of the character while binging the series i couldnt help but wonder what flower i feel the most relation to to no avail someone has gifted me a rose plant approximately a month ago. you can see it on the photo above but the thing is. i absolutely suck at taking care of living beings. my experience says exactly that. i also hate dirt i was so perplexed and afraid of causing harm to the plant I completely abandoned it for quite some time while thinking about it 24/7. reminded me of the time i still had the executive dysfunction eventually i had to chop off all the leaves and buds leaving only stems with thorns be to keep the plant alive it was actually my mother who gave it to me. so it is very precious and i really dont want it to die. but my actions somehow say otherwise anyway. i came up with the idea that i am not a flower but a budless stem with really sharp thorns on it! i dont really have enough space for the explanation so its up to you to interpret

unfortunately i dont have anything to show you foday or anything particular to tell you either so how about you look at this flower i bought at the local store and i think about what to say along the way actually the employee at the store gave me a discount every time i buy flowers im forced to participate in human interactions with strangers and remember that we live in a society i think now that summer is over and the grass is no longer that green and touchable we should buy flowers from time to time to remain sane i had to take a break from meds for a few days last week and it went rather ok. except i was bawling my eyes out at every given opportunity you know. there is actually a game that keeps making me cry even when i cant really physically do it its not really that sad. i would say that the main genre of this game is actually comedy. but the topics raised in dialogues wreck my brain i dont really feel anything at all while reading the text or anything like that. i dont ecen think about it that much but every now and then i feel the wetness on my hands and realize i've been crying for a while because of what read there thats how i cry 99% of the time since the day i was born and i didnt really think anything about it untill now my psychiatrist told me i have severe problems with dissociation and recognising my own emotions but a few days ago i was watching some silly local soap opera in the background (im binging this stuff its iconic) & it broke my brain the raised topics in the series triggered me this much i felt The Pain™. idk how to describe it rather then The Pain™ lol now im back on meds and i dont feel anything at all again. this or my ability to recognise my own emotions just went down to 5% again sometime i dream of someone who would posses my brain for a few minutes so that they would help me understand what i really feel or if my reactions to life events are correct. sometimes when i think that i know exactly what i feel i stop myself and recognise that i dont know nor understand shit the more i think about it the more materialistic i become you can always measure something physical. you can touch it or even search every inch of it with a magnifying glass all you want but you cant measure the feeling you know its really bizzare that i feel so much attraction towards poetry while having so much trouble with the concept of emotions itself you can call me pragmatic but im too lenient for that. you can call me lenient but im too pragmatic for that. idk man. im gonna sleep now

crocheting its far from being finished but you can grasp the idea. its going to be a bag i did this giant heart because ugh ughhhhhhhhhhhh UUUUUUGHHHHHHfdkb6Tuuvf7khib ugh whatever i just felt like a budless dying rose plant with giant thorns once again its not a pleasant experience and i guess my reaction can be described as abandonment issues i thought this shit in me was eradicated but alas and i really want to talk about it but i have no idea where to start and i fear being misunderstood so i guess i will not i would rather you look at the heart. it has nothing to do with my thoughts today its just cute and i like cute stuff and racing games i wish i could play racing videogames every second of my life till the day i die