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crocheting

this is me btw. if you even care.

the more chaotic my life becomes the more i post here some purely random shit i think i've found some kind of a solace here (read as i think i kinda have two weird unspoken beefs with both of my close friends so i feel lonely but that's not about it) (i just want you to read my rambling in the most loser-ish way possible) i bought this limited suit (a jacket + mini-skirt combo) from a local brand not that long ago i ordered it online because i fell in love at first sight with it. the models looked so cool and chic and hot and cute and HSUKDOGSE6JDOIF7 all at the same time today was the first time i've put it on all together & took a full height pic of myself and instead of cute cool chic hot YJJEIKDNDOXJEIAKAKWIDJ I got a chubby chibi vibe from the uberkawaii meme you probably don't know this meme but i think i look exactly what it sounds like i look like a chubby chibi from the uberkawaii meme and that's not what i was trying to achive :((((( i deliberately didn't include a pic of me in full height so that you won't see my chubby chibi uberwakaiiness why can't i be just a little bit taller. is it too much to ask. i just want a tiny little +50cm to my height i love this suit so much. if only i could be a 2m chinese tiktok long legs beauty i'd fell in love with my reflection in the mirror as well sad stuff it's still not that bad tho thanks for coming to my tedtalk i should go and get my life together instead of shitposting from now on

it felt like a workout i didnt breathe the whole time but then right after some user posted a video in which he played the same song with super perfect score on every single hit and i was like Holy Fuck no matter how good you think you are there is always some other dude who does it better than you tenfold this is a game i started to play a few weeks ago. i've even found a new friend there. she's 25 and lives on the other side of the globe she's very sweet and compliments my shitty english often she really adores me for some reason since the very start and it was kinda confusing at first well not until i figured that we actually play on the steam-exclusive server lol i had a chat with a few people in my mother tongue there and it genuinely ruined my day my in-game block list is full and i don't usually block anyone on any platform. steam users are build different i guess so it was one in a million chance of us to meet each other lol we have a lot in common. its bizzare even but at the same time we're pretty much the opposites. she likes black. she wants to be shorter. she has a fiancé. she also lives in usa a few days ago she has sent me a photo of the local protesters outside the cafe she was eating at with the caption like “in the land of freedom there are protesters everywhere” and i got really sad i flashbacked to a few years ago when i was trying to run away from the local police officers while attending the protest its not the “trying to run away” part that got me traumatised for life but the idea of freedom in my country as a whole ngl that day unironically kinda deformed my faith in humanity. my adolescent naivety and bravery had gone ever since this is so sad i fear despacito won't be enough to fix this what a shitty time to be alive dont you think but if i keep thinking about the stuff i cant control or change no matter how hard i try i will spiral into insanity in a heartbeat anyway i think she's really cute as well. she also has two cats that she loves so i've finally found a person to send all the cat memes to also not that long ago some cat-loving english-speaking user wrote to me here and we talked sweetly for a little while they've told me my crochets are cute and it genuinely made my day better. not because of the compliment but tge thought behind it english-speaking cat lovers you should know that you're the sweetest people i've ever encountered in my life but im afraid that my prediabities will develop into diabetes if we keep this up (im not against it) i wish every person on earth is this kind this escalated quickly i guess. lets just look at me struggling to keep up with the buttons on the screen

they take a bath

unfortunately i dont have anything to show you foday or anything particular to tell you either so how about you look at this flower i bought at the local store and i think about what to say along the way actually the employee at the store gave me a discount every time i buy flowers im forced to participate in human interactions with strangers and remember that we live in a society i think now that summer is over and the grass is no longer that green and touchable we should buy flowers from time to time to remain sane i had to take a break from meds for a few days last week and it went rather ok. except i was bawling my eyes out at every given opportunity you know. there is actually a game that keeps making me cry even when i cant really physically do it its not really that sad. i would say that the main genre of this game is actually comedy. but the topics raised in dialogues wreck my brain i dont really feel anything at all while reading the text or anything like that. i dont ecen think about it that much but every now and then i feel the wetness on my hands and realize i've been crying for a while because of what read there thats how i cry 99% of the time since the day i was born and i didnt really think anything about it untill now my psychiatrist told me i have severe problems with dissociation and recognising my own emotions but a few days ago i was watching some silly local soap opera in the background (im binging this stuff its iconic) & it broke my brain the raised topics in the series triggered me this much i felt The Pain™. idk how to describe it rather then The Pain™ lol now im back on meds and i dont feel anything at all again. this or my ability to recognise my own emotions just went down to 5% again sometime i dream of someone who would posses my brain for a few minutes so that they would help me understand what i really feel or if my reactions to life events are correct. sometimes when i think that i know exactly what i feel i stop myself and recognise that i dont know nor understand shit the more i think about it the more materialistic i become you can always measure something physical. you can touch it or even search every inch of it with a magnifying glass all you want but you cant measure the feeling you know its really bizzare that i feel so much attraction towards poetry while having so much trouble with the concept of emotions itself you can call me pragmatic but im too lenient for that. you can call me lenient but im too pragmatic for that. idk man. im gonna sleep now

crocheting its far from being finished but you can grasp the idea. its going to be a bag i did this giant heart because ugh ughhhhhhhhhhhh UUUUUUGHHHHHHfdkb6Tuuvf7khib ugh whatever i just felt like a budless dying rose plant with giant thorns once again its not a pleasant experience and i guess my reaction can be described as abandonment issues i thought this shit in me was eradicated but alas and i really want to talk about it but i have no idea where to start and i fear being misunderstood so i guess i will not i would rather you look at the heart. it has nothing to do with my thoughts today its just cute and i like cute stuff and racing games i wish i could play racing videogames every second of my life till the day i die

crocheting today i have nothing to say i just find it very cute absentmindely did it while thinking about the shitty world we live in i showed it to someone and they had told me i should try to sell this stuff but idk all i wanted was to receive praise and nice words why would you remind me of something as hideous as economy!!!!!! just tell me i did great (i did not)

crocheting it was a really shitty day and i don't want to talk about it. i just need to yap i will probably unknowingly say some borderline deranged traumatizing things further but idk its just the way i am my existence itself is a major trigger warning so be aware the only highlight of the day was the (i suppose) wlw couple i saw at the subway while pulling out shit like burdock out of my dress i won't elaborate on the last piece can i be a little mysterious and less pathetic so the wlw couple. one girl hugged the arm of the other girl and put the head on her shoulder. i saw that and was like “damn” if you have a person you can willingly do things like that with you should know i would kill god just to be in your shoes please cherish it i didnt really look at them that much but then we got off on the same station and somehow they managed to overtook me they were right ahead of me still all over each other and then it has striked me that the girl hugging the arm of the other one was actually disabled and she needed help to walk properly actually they were faster than me because my legs today are a total mess lol it hurts like hell just to make a step but this is obviously just a temporary inconvenience and its nowhere near the problem that girl has i don't compare myself to her in this regard but ive found this parallel kinda poetic like how i as a relatively healthy individual with no major health issues was envious as fuck of those two how i was walking in 0.25x with a shit ton of thoughts in my head while she was limping happily with a girl in her hand and smiling no pity just envy and pure admiration. i want what they have but im not sure if I deserve it. or actually need it if i actually had something like that in my hands i don't know whether or not i would crush it into pieces and then cry over it to the day i die. do you get it. am i too dramatic or too shallow as a person originally i planned to talk about another thing entirely but this day has crushed my head and heart like a hammer and now its turned to mush no i guess it was a mush since long ago. then lets say this day was just crap. or life itself nothing really happened to me but it reminded me of how helpless i am as a person vs the world and i hate being helpless maybe ill tell you the story of how i lost the sensation in my fingertips another time when im not that traumatised by life events (i lost it by saving a damsel in distress after walking out of the night bar a year ago. its a clickbait)

but the beauty is in the eyes of the beholder i didn't sleep for a shit ton of time and didn't eat for just as long because rn i have to be present at this luxurious event event that is called “rearrangement of the whole fucking pipe system in the apartment im living rn” man im so bored just sitting and doing apparently nothing at all while battling with the desire to faint blissfully and call it a day is it what it feels to be the sexy lamp character in a book why am i even here???? just to suffer???? a sweet old person beside me that is also forced to be in this situation keeps tormenting me with questions questions that i don't want to acknowledge the existence of “what was your major” im so glad you asked! it was actually the major depression haha that was a nice one actually its not that deep i just want to vent and to stay conscious i think i should start taking care of my health properly. i absolutely destroyed my sleep schedule over the past two months i wish you the same thing (its not a curse lol im telling you to take care of yourself)

i dont know how to tag it and alas i dont really care enough i was going to draw something but i am a sloth. a lazy brain-rotting tree-dwelling mammal but i am really really cute so please let it slide everyone around me keep saying i should try to work as a florist because of my interest in flowers that suddenly appeared half a year ago honestly speaking i hated flowers for as long as i have existed before that. they were making me depressed the whole idea of something cute in your hands that is destined to become a withered rotting thing overnight is nothing but depressing that i was thinking before i learned how to properly take care of cut flowers. now i can make them stay for a bit longer. like a week or so it is still sad nevertheless. but I guess my perspective on things has changed as well. i am not talking about flowers more like about life and death but its too philosophical for a silly gigantic post in my silly little blog so im not going to talk about it i like to dry flowers. dunno if I do it properly tho a few days ago i watched kusuriya no hitorigoto in which characters are compared to flowers! there is a dried flower as well the dried rose there was described as “still beautiful despite the time and harshness it went through” but the character the rose was alluding to was merely a walking brainless corpse and in the context it really made sense. these two contradicting facts in actuality create the complete picture of the character while binging the series i couldnt help but wonder what flower i feel the most relation to to no avail someone has gifted me a rose plant approximately a month ago. you can see it on the photo above but the thing is. i absolutely suck at taking care of living beings. my experience says exactly that. i also hate dirt i was so perplexed and afraid of causing harm to the plant I completely abandoned it for quite some time while thinking about it 24/7. reminded me of the time i still had the executive dysfunction eventually i had to chop off all the leaves and buds leaving only stems with thorns be to keep the plant alive it was actually my mother who gave it to me. so it is very precious and i really dont want it to die. but my actions somehow say otherwise anyway. i came up with the idea that i am not a flower but a budless stem with really sharp thorns on it! i dont really have enough space for the explanation so its up to you to interpret

art i'll be yapping in the tags its not that im depressed or anything. it is the opposite actually ive been using this medicine for quite some time. and it made all my negative emotions disappear “oh wow huh but isnt it great you don't feel bad anymore”. this is the same thing my psychiatrist told me when we were discussing this topic in hindsight it was kinda silly of her to say. i can't believe i pay a ridiculous amount of money per session just to hear shit like that but she's cute and im a pathetic homosexual who'll seethe at the sight of other specialists like a beaten dog so I will let it slide i guess we see each other twice a year anyway and all i need from her is the prescription for happy pills. anyway the happypillen i would fight god if it means i can use stertraline for the rest of my life. thanks to it i can and i do live but I don't really feel like myself anymore. do you get what i mean the things that have been giving me anxiety attacks or flashbacks not so long ago? i feel almost nothing about it at this momet it still haunts me to this day but the intensity of my feelings and emotions does not reach even 1/5 of what it was before i do not want to disclose more specific topics so i will use a simple example. i used to be afraid of dogs the fear was so severe that the mere sight of the tiniest little barfing creature was enough for me to freeze now i can pass one without any problem. the fear i feel today is nothing more than a shadow of bygone times (something i do out of habit) but i guess this example is not objective enough since my close irl friend has a dog that i became fond of im still pretty sure this dog of her is capable of biting my ass off if necessary but im not afraid of it because fear is not an option in this brain of mine at this moment i don't feel any anxiety sadness or anger anymore. even if something close to it begins to rise in me it shuns down within a few minutes i can't even cry. i am craving emotions that i was so eagerly trying to dispose of back then i feel the most mentally stable I have ever been and at the same time i feel pretty much dead. perhaps i just got used to the fact that sorrow accompanied me for a very long time and i should learn to live without it perhaps sorrow is just as important as happiness and its absence is a mere side effect of the happy pills and i have to put up with it in order to have a functional brain perhaps we people are never happy with what we have in our hands. also i hate drawing one's can tell since the picture i attached is raw as fuck but even despite my praised mental stability if i were to stay alone with it even for a minute longer i would go insane next time i will draw something lighter and cuter. like my favorite kpop boy or fortnite. maybe in the next century thanks for coming to my tedtalk. bye i made a typo in the word “sertraline” but im too lazy to fix it i would fight god for you but i will not do this im sorry zoloft