"I Continue Write Because I Write For Myself, Not For Anyone Else."

"I continue write because I write for myself, not for anyone else."

— One of my Life quotes as an author

The way he looked at her so tenderly it was cute and revolting at the same time. She was laughing at something his friend said. She was beautiful. She was practically perfect. With her cute short hair and small yet fit stature, who wouldn't like her? Not only that but she was smart and kind too — popular as well. What more can anyone ask for? He was beautiful as well. The perfect boy, they called him. Smart, athletic, good-looking, nice, funny — they were both perfect. They had their flaws, yes, but to everyone, they were perfect. To everyone, they were meant to be. To everyone, they were star crossed lovers. To everyone, they were the "It" couple. To everyone...but me.

To me, they were just another one of my friends. To me, they were just one of the few people I trust my life with. To me, they were one of they few who understood me. To me, they were the people who helped shape me to become who I am today. To me...they were just that one meant to be couple that I have the unfortunate luck of liking one them, maybe a bit too much for it to be platonic.

That's right, I like one of them. I like one of my friends — not just any of my friends but the one half of the ultimate "couple". Amazing, no? |

She stared at the screen in front of her as she wondered how she would continue her story. Bags were under her tired eyes as she had once again stayed up late to continue writing. A yawn threatened to escape from her lips but she held it down, fearing that even just the slightest of sounds would wake her darling mother up and now that wouldn't be such a pretty sight. Her eyes flickered tiredly to the bottom left corner of her laptop and mentally cursed herself at the time that stared back at her.

3:27 AM

She was running out of time and she knew it. It was her fault though. She could have started sooner and this wouldn't have to happen yet here she was again procrastinating till the last second before jumping to stay awake to finish her project. This time though it wasn't for school. No, it was for her own personal problems. Valentine's was nearing — or rather, Valentine's had come and she has yet to post a Valetine's special in her story. It wasn't needed, she knew that. She could have just typed out "Happy Valentine's" or write a short poem but no — her overachieving mind won't stand for it. She has to do something big and writing a Valentine's special was her plan. Problem is though — it's already Valentine's and she's barely started. Don't get her wrong, she had started before but every one of her drabbles just seems too cheesy or too sad for her and she wouldn't stand for it, removing and deleting paragraphs over paragraphs before re-writing or writing a whole 'nother idea than the last. Her hand reached up and ran through her messy hair before slowly going down to her face and rubbing it. She was tired. She had class tomorrow and she barely slept a wink — sure she's done it before, by that she means going to school with little to none sleep, but that doesn't mean it sucks any less. She's used to it, even got a schedule on what to do when it happens, but the idea of having to fight to stay asleep in class and keep her grades up while worrying about her Valetine's special and her upcoming seatworks and projects isn't really appealing to her. Or at all.

Small padded footsteps can be heard a few ways behind her making her turn and smile tiredly at the sight of her sleepy dog who stared at her before merely going to her feet and laying down. She sighed and bent down to ruffle her fur before sitting back straight again and staring at her laptop and the words typed in it, wondering just how she should continue. After a while of staring, she reached a hand out and promptly erased her drabble and hovering a hand over the keyboard, a new idea already in the making.

Valentine's day — A. K. A. The day couples use as an excuse to be more PDA than usual and spoil their partners. I hate it |

Nope. Too bitter. She erased it again before drinking from her cup, frowning when barely any coffee reached her lips, and hovering her hands on top of the keyboard yet again.

A cheer can be heard from a few ways behind her as yet another person confessed to their crush and got a yes. Her eyes rolled at the thought. How the hell do people even find the courage to confess when she could barely ask a classmate for a pencil without panicking? But then again, that was only her — maybe it was different for other people? Maybe. |

A sigh escaped her lips as she found her hands hovering above the keyboard, not knowing where to go next. She was never going to finish this on time. She closed her tired eyes before snapping them open at the small whisper of a notification, though she flinched at the sudden sound. Her eyes skimmed across the words before shaking her head with a small smile. They knew her too well.

New message from 'Fami-REE'

Sleep.

She looked at her dog before sighing. She'd have to finish this later today. With that, she closed her laptop not without saving her draft and grabbed her dog before going to bed to at least have some sleep before she goes to school.

==

That's it. She's going to die. If not by the hands of her friends then by her very own. A small groan escaped her lips as she laid her head on the wall beside her, staring with tired eyes at her teacher who droned on and on about something — Was it Linear Equations? Or was it Probability? Honestly, she didn't care anymore. All she wanted was sleep yet she can't have that. She's one of the honor students meaning she has to keep her grades up. Just great. Her eyes flickered to the empty seat next to her as her stomach churned at the thought of her sick friend before flickering to the girl in front of her and surpressing a wince. The girl in front was her friend. A very, very concerned friend who had smacked her the moment she saw her eyebags. Her eyes then tiredly swept across the classroom before settling at the front of the class and on her teacher. She must have looked dead right now. With her eye bags and her somewhat messy hair but what she didn't know is that she didn't look dead. Honestly, she just looked as if she was in a bad mood — her glasses covered her eye bags pretty well apparently. She watched as her teacher's eyes swept around the classroom obviously thinking of which student they should torture with questions next. Their eyes was about to settle on her but she had flickered her own to one of her friends which made her teacher call on her friend and not her. Oops. She flinched a bit. Sorry.

Time seemed to both drag and pass by within a blink of an eye as even though she felt as though the day would last forever, it was already their break. It was only half day for them meaning that they can leave before lunch but they still had recess — most commonly known as free period. Her friend — the one who had smacked her — pulled her to her feet and had her go downstairs to buy food for her stomach. Damn woman. Still, she let her friend drag her downstairs and buy her food to eat. Once the food was given, she slowly but surely began to eat, listening half heartedly to her friend's conversation with one of their younger schoolmates — a student who was a year below them she believed? — and putting in her input here and there. It seemed as if her friend had decided to tell a random stranger — to her knowledge that is — that she was Pansexual and began teaching said stranger about the LGBTQ+ community with vigor like no other. The thought made her smile, half fondly and half teasingly.

"So you can come out to a random stranger but not come out to your parents? Okay," She teased knowing full well how hard it is to come out to your parents before laughing lightly as her friend turned her head at her and started spluttering reasons why then laughing along with her. She was starting to wake up now. That's good. Her eyes flickered to the sudden movement a few ways to her left and she furrowed her eyes slightly at the sight of people she hadn't seen before. What were they doing at her school? Seeing her confused face, her friend sighed and reminded her. "Our sister school is practicing their concert in our school, remember? That's why we have a half day today. To give way to their practice."

"Oh."

That was all she could say as she went back to eating. Her friend, used to this, simply went back to her conversation with the stranger not realizing how deep in thought she had actually been. Her mind tried to find reasons why she was so disappointed all of a sudden. Was she disappointed that they weren't new students? Not likely. Was she disappointed that their sister school's practice had been the reason why they had half day? She wasn't complaining but maybe she thought it was for something else? Maybe she thought her school decided to be nice and give them more time to spend tine with their family instead of spending Valentine's day at school? Maybe.

But as her eyes swept around the area she sat in the cafeteria, she was suddenly reminded why she hated Valentine's so much as she saw the multiple roses and gifts other students, mostly girls, carried. For her, Valentine's was just a day to rub it in her face that no one loved her like that and no one probably will at the lack of gifts given to her. Her eyes looked back at her still conversing friend and frowned a bit when she remembered that her said friend had gotten chocolate from one of their other friends — one from the year below them — yet she had received none from that friend. She was being selfish though and she knew it. They all had been busy and of course they wouldn't be able to give gifts to each other that much. Plus the friend in the year below them knew her friend — the one who smacked her arm and forced her to eat — longer as she had been a transferee last school year while her friend had been in the school since 5th grade. Of course people knew about her friend. Still she couldn't help but feel a bit bitter at the thought yet didn't complain, mostly because she feared the answer. Maybe the friend in the year below them hated her and this was how they decuded to show it. A bit dramatic for her to think about but drama was in her veins so you can't blame her. She feared the thought of not being enough.

A cough broke her off from her thoughts as she looked at her friend who'd apparently been calling for her for the past minute. She smiled a sheepish smile before slowly standing up and throwing her trash in the bin, her friend following her lead. She waited for said friend to fall into step with her before the two walked together upstairs, conversing about nothing yet anything at the same time. Mindless chatter, one would say. The two reached the third floor — the floor their class was held in — before the two slowed at the sight before them. Yet another one of their friends from the year below was blocking their way to class. The two friends shared a look before approaching the younger student. The two barely reached them when the younger student began ushering her away. Ouch. She tried not to let her hurt show and succeeded for the most part — anyone who paid attention would have seen but luckily for her, no one was paying attention to her, at least not to her knowledge. Before she could even make a joke or a smart remark to cover her hurt, the younger student promptly told her that one of her classmates — another one of their friends — was inside their classroom which is why the whole class from the year below was screeching. Understanding and knowing that it was only a way to make her go away, she relented and went inside, immediately asking her other classmate friends what was up. One of them simply told her that the friend — the one who was in the year below them and inside — was being forced to hug one of her classmates — A.k.a. said friend's crush. Her still a bit sleeping mind struggled to process the information as suddenly one of her other friends began talking to said classmate — the crush of the younger student — and asking if he could hug her friend instead. Her body and mind worked on autopilot as she suddenly went to her classmate and her friend before asking her classmate as well to hug her friend with her hands in a prayer position as if begging. Her classmate took one look at her and her friend before promptly agreeing. He went to her year younger friend before looking back at her.

"What do I have to do?"

"Hug her."

Her words were immediate and without a thought. Her classmate nodded his head and turned around before giving her year younger friend a hug that barely lasted a few seconds — it was short yet enough for people, including her, to start cheering. But as her mind suddenly caught up with her actions, she stopped midway to her cheer and merely smiled a small, happy looking smile as she realized just who exactly the classmate had been. It had been her crush. Her crush that was silent and suffering. No one except a select few knew and even then, they didn't know that it was back or that she still liked him seeing as that she'd only told them once about it and barely brought it up ever again. The hug ended a few moments ago yet people were still cheering and she was still smiling, her eyes hollow in thought. Her eyes flickered to her classmate — her crush — no, her friend who caught her gaze and smiled a small tiny smile of greeting before she suddenly turned around and walked away. No one noticing the sudden slight shift in her mood. After all, no one cared about her enough to notice.

She saw her friend — the one who'd smacked her — still with her friend who had been the one to send her away and went to them before uttering two small words and smiling as if she was happy for them — as if she wasn't slowly dying at the ingrained picture of the two.

"They hugged."

But of course, her friends took no notice of the pained undertone in her voice and merely said their pride for their friend before going back to their previous conversation. Knowing with a heavy heart that she was not needed, she went away and walked towards her other friends noting how the friend he had hugged was in the group before sharing her happiness because yes, she was happy for her friend, she truly was —she just didn't wish she had to suffer for it because there was no way she would tell them she liked the same guy. No way. She had to be a good friend and she couldn't do that by liking the same guy as said friend — even though in this case it's admitting seeing as that she already liked him, she just didn't admit it to everyone yet.

"Ay! He hugged you huh? How does that feel?"

She briefly thought of the countless times she'd hid her pain with jokes and almost laughed bitterly at the thought yet held herself back.

"It was really nice."

The way she'd said it with a blush told her she enjoyed it really and smiled a small smile — one that many thought was of fondness but was really of sadness as if she'd realized something that made her give up.

"You really like him, don't you?"

"I do."

The fact that there wasn't any hesitance in her friend's voice made her heart ache yet she still smiled as if nothing was wrong.

"Well then, I wouldn't know what that feels like."

Lies.

"I've never really really liked anyone before."

Lies. Why do you do this?

"No one really caught my eye yet."

Lies again. Why do you hide?

"I've never experienced having butterflies in my stomach yet or anything like that..."

Again, lies. Why can't you just tell them?

"But — I wonder, if I do like someone, would it make me as happy as you are around him?"

Yet another lie. Her eyes saddened at the thought of her pain for merely liking the one guy she shouldn't have liked but of course, they interpreted it as sadness at the thought of not liking someone ever and being alone. They never did interpret her sadness correctly.

"It will."

She had to resist the urge to scoff at that and merely just smiled and nodded her head slowly.

"It will huh?"

It won't. It didn't now. It won't the next time.

With that she rushed to say her congratulations for the hug and before noting how all her friends were busy and simply, silently, walked away and to the restroom praying that no one would be there.

Fate was on her side that day as no one was in the restroom making her sigh in relief. She went to one of the many unoccupied stalls and locked it before closing the lid of the toilet and slowly sitting down. She clasped both her hands together and bowed her head down as she stared hollowly at the floor beneath her, knowing that she was too tired to cry but was awake enough to feel hurt. She put her head on her hands as she closed her eyes wanting to just wake up and find out it's all a dream but it isn't. She knows that and plus there's this part of her — the kind soul in her — that knows that if it was true, if it's all a dream then her friend wouldn't have actually hugged him and as much as that would have made her okay, it didn't sit well with her, remembering just how happy her friend had been. She was mean but she wasn't mean enough to wish to remove someone's happiness for her own. But even then, she allowed herself to be selfish in her short moment of privacy. She allowed herself to think of what would have been if she had been the one hugged and what would have been if she had confessed to him once upon a time instead of chickening out. Different possibilities surged through her mind as she allowed her tears to form yet refused to let them fall.

After composing herself, she walked outside the stall and splashed water to her face, happily noting how she didn't look like she was about to cry, before walking outside and back to her friends who didn't seem to notice a thing. She took a deep breath before she reached them. This was it. Time for the act. With that, she continued walking towards them with a happy smile, immediately joking around with them and hiding her pain behind her mask like always. She'd be damned if she let them knew what was really happening in her mind.

==

Stressed and tired. That's what she was right now as she laid on her bed with an exasperated look on her tired face, her phone a few ways away from her hand. At the sound of a ping, she turned around and looked at the notification before opening her phone and immediately going online. She scrolled down and checked who pinged her before suppressing a groan. Yet another person had complained to her about something. You see, she was a staff of a server and lately a lot of people have been complaining to her about something and now she had both Online and IRL problems to deal with. She closed her phone before rolling back to her previous position. It's been four or five hours since she got home from school and she has yet to receive a gift of any sort from any people she knew and the fact made her heart ache in pain.

She was about to cry or at least whine like a child when she received a notification. She suppressed a groan, thinking it was another person complaining, but rolled over to her phone nonetheless. Her hands wrapped around her phone as she opened it. Her eyes scanned the words of the message and immediately she was smiling.

New message from 'Bunch of Dumbos'

Wholesome Dumbo

HAPPY SINGLE'S DAY MOTHERNOTFUCKERS!

The fact that 'Wholesome Dumbo' refused to call them MOFOs was enough to make her laugh. She opened the groupchat between her and her fellow server staffs which became her online friends and immediately responded.

Awkward Dumbo

It's nearly night for me but Happy Valentine's to you too

Not even a second later he responded saying that she was too far ahead in time and she laughed. Each and every staff lived in different parts of the wrold and therefore, they had different time zones making it hard for them to communicate yet they without fail manage to talk to each other every day. It was somethine she's always looked forward to everyday. They were her anchors when life isn't the best to her. She smiled as she replied to his text saying that he should blame time zones and all that. A laugh escaped her lips when another staff member chatted back and said that they were being loud but still said Happy Valentine's day or rather, they said "Happy Single day" because they all just didn't have Valentine's that day. It was like the domino — or was it buttefly? — effect took it's place as one by one each and every staff woke up or checked their phones and suddenly, they were all chatting and joking around as usual. It was when she was laughing at something another staff said that yet another staff member decided to speak up but this time in a more serious note.

Wholesome Dumbo

I cherish you guys, you know that right?

The words were enough to make her world stop as 'Wholesome Dumbo' continued his speech about cherishing her and the other staff. Her heart felt light and her eyes stung as he continued with his words. A smile graced her lips as he ended his speech with a small note.

Wholesome Dumbo

Happy Valentine's day. I love y'all.

She felt like crying then and there because no one had ever said that they loved her. Not straight up anyway. Her heart was hammering with love yet it wasn't romantic. It was pure platonic, familial love that was running her heart. And suddenly, her mind woke up and she remembered that Valentine's wasnt just a day for couples but a day for people to show their love. After all, it's not the day of love for nothing and there are so many more kinds of love other than romantic. Just because Valentine's is usually associated with couples and all that doesn't mean it's all about that. No, it's a day to show people how much you love them. Sure, you should do that everyday — you should show your loved ones how much you love them everyday — but Valentine's is just a day to remind us about that. Or at least, that's how she interpreted it. And so, with her mind that barely got any sleep last night finally up and running, ideas swirled around her brain and she smiled. Time to write.

Awkward Dumbo

I love y'all too. I gotta go now though — I have an idea to write. Thanks for the wake up call!

With that, she closed her phone not without reading the replies of goodlucks and supportive notes they gave her. Adrenaline pumped her veins as she grabbed her laptop and started to write with vigor like no other. Her mind ran so fast that ideas — both previous and new ones — merged together to make a story that satisfied the young writer's mind.

A few hours that felt like minutes to her later, she was nearing the epilouge. She typed in the last few paragraphs in mind and as she finally clicked on the last period, she took a deep breath and leaned back on her pillow before reading her creation. It was based on her. It was of a girl who wondered what will happen on her Valentine's day when she suddenly saw something heartbreaking for the gal. She had then ran and her friends saw her before rushing to comfort her. They managed to do so after a few moments and suddenly, they were all joking around and having a moment. And in that moment, the main character realized that just because she was single and it was Valentine's and yes, her crush apparently liked another girl, doesn't mean that her Valentine's was ruined. After all, Valentine's wasn't just about romantic love. It can be of purely familial love or any other kinds of love there are. With that, she saved her draft and published it, sending the link to her friends afterwards.

And in that moment — while I laid there on Sarah's lap as she continuously patted my head and surrounded by all of my friends, all of us joking around and laughing like the maniacs we are — I realized something. Valentine's isn't just about loving someone romantically, it's also for something else — for other kinds of love like familial love. And as I watch all my friends laugh at a joke after they've comforted me, I realized that I don't need any man to make my Valentine's day a special day. I have my friends for that and that's what matters. Katelyn, who was grinning proudly as she had been the one to crack the joke that sent everyone laughing, noticed how deep in thought I was. "You still with us?" She asked jokingly but all of us could hear the concerned tone in her voice, no matter how much she tried to hide it. Knowing that I won't be able to lie like last time nor was I going to in the first place, I smiled my usual charismatic smile that made everyone of my friends physically sag in relief and smile back.

"Not going anywhere, anytime soon."

"You sure bout that? You're not going to run away again and hide to cry your hearts out?"

All of us knew the silent message behind Charlie's words. 'Are you sure everything will be just fine?'

"Yep, I won't. I'm sure of it."

Everything's just fine. And for once, I actually meant it. After weeks of dreading and moping around because of Valentine's, I'm finally content and happy. Maybe not fully happy but I suspect it's because of Brian's confession to Lea but happy nonetheless. I watched as they deciphered the meaning of my words before smiling both fondly and happily. It's been a while since I was fine and so I suspect they were all glad for the change. The dark side of my mind came up and made me briefly wonder if they were all mad at me for being so difficult to handle but I had suppressed the thought and forced myself to cone back to the real world and be content because I definitely needed a break.

"You okay?" was the first words greeted to me as I zoned back in the conversation which made me look up at Sarah who had been the one to silently whisper the question to me. I watched her for a bit in silence and noticed the worry in her eyes which made me smile softly. She'd always been a worrywart. I nodded at her and squeezed her hand.

"I'm alright."

I mean it.

"I just realized something important is all."

I just realized how much all of you mean to me

"No need to worry."

So don't worry about my silence.

"Everything will be alright."

I'll be fine.

"I promise."

I'll make sure of it.

I stared at her eyes and watched as she tried to decipher if I was lying or not. Finding that I was telling the truth, Sarah allowed herself to relax and squeezed my hand back.

"Everything will be just fine," She repeated my words making me smile. "It will be," I said to her before sitting up from my position on her lap and joining the conversation my other friends were having.

"I agree, Mason does seem gay to me."

My words caused all of them to laugh even as said person spluttered a retort before giving up and laughing along, knowing I meant no harm. Laughing along with them, I stood up and gestured for all of them to follow me, which they did even though they were all noticeably confused.

"Come on. Let's go ruin a random couple's day on Valentine's."

That certainly got them grinning before following me as I ran back to the school and out of the school fields, all of us laughing as we all thought of ways to prank our other friends who were couples and ruin their day before making it up to them. This is what Valentine's was supposed to be about. No, I don't mean ruining other people's life — It's fun, yeah, but that isn't what it's about, we just did that because of a joke and since we were all pranking couples that we knew so it was no harm. I meant so say that Valentine's isn't about finding a guy or girl to spend time with and be your Valentine. Sure, maybe it kinda is about that but it's also about spending time with your loved ones and reminding them how much you love them. Who knew it would take me seeing my crush confess to another girl to realize that Valentine's is so much more than a day for couples? |

Publish Draft?

Yes | No

Draft Published

02 / 14 /20

This.

“Those poor boys”

“She deserves to be punished too.”

“I’m not saying I support rape, but-”

“Sorry to say - she deserved it.”

“She put herself in harm’s way”

“But if she was fingered, then that’s not rape.”

“She ruined their lives.”

YES.

Reblog if you support romantic same sex relationship themes and gay characters in childrens entertainment!

Reblogging again and hoping for the best cuz my first wish worked the first time around uwo xD

reblog and make a wish! this was removed from tumbrl due to “violating one or more of Tumblr’s Community Guidelines”, but since my wish came true the first time, I’m putting it back. :)

"I joke around not because I don't take seriously but because I'm scared of admitting that it's real and it's serious and that we could all die. I don't want that, so I laugh and I joke but never think that I don't care, because I do. I always have."

— Behind my jokes