I Wish My English Class Was Like This

I wish my English class was like this

my class always ‘stages’ the scenes of hamlet we read in the center of the classroom and we really peaked in act five scene two - laertes and hamlet flirted before their duel and “i’ll be your foil, laertes” was like, super sexual - we used an expo marker and a smartboard marker as fencing swords - before “dueling” laertes, hamlet sat up on her desk, brandished her water bottle, and dramatically proclaimed “i have the power of god AND anime on my side” and the class just lost it - when she stabbled claudius she said “yeet!” - the girl playing gertrude missed one of her lines, was prompted on it, and said “sorry, i was busy dying” while already lying flat-out on the floor - hamlet forgot to actually give laertes the fatal stab wound until like ten lines too late - she woke up from the dead to say “it’s free real estate” when fortinbras showed up and took over - everyone had either a SUPER dramatic reaction to being stabbed/poisoned or a totally deadpan “oh no” - absolutely garbage laughing through all the emotional moments EXCEPT - “may flights of angels sing thee to thy rest” in which everyone went “awww”

oh i forgot to mention it was halloween so

- the girl who played hamlet was super goth with tons of edgy eye makeup - the girl who played gertrude was dressed as ginger spice

Dirk Gently’s holistic detective agency

PLEASE

*SCREAMS IN DEATH NOTE*

Thank you, I just want this to be a thing now

Modern Day Dracula Fan Cast

Whether your particular poison is Sherlock, Elementary, or Watson and Holmes (which is a comic that’s worth looking at if you like Sherlock Holmes) you can’t deny that the idea of modern day Sherlock Holmes really works. I think the reason for that, beyond just having strong, archetypal characters, is that the original Sherlock Holmes stories were very modern at the time. It was a scientist applying the latest methods to crime solving in a world where the police ran like that John Mulaney bit about getting away with murder in olden times.

Somewhere along the way we got stuck in the Victorian conception of it, but it’s got the soul of modernity to it. Another novel that has the soul of modernity to it but has been locked to the period, Bram Stoker’s Dracula (not to be confused with the film Bram Stoker’s Dracula, which I do not care for the most part, though I bear no ill will to those who do). The world has sort of latched onto it as a Romantic era story about a brooding vampire and swooning maidens, but it really is more of an enlightenment story. I’d compare it to Pacific Rim or Ghostbusters which are films about regular folk (primarily young folk in the case of the former) who apply science and friendship to defeat old world evil (admittedly among other uncomfortable Victorianisms).

That’s the adaptation I want to see, where a band of young people join together with science and friendship to defeat the avatar of an outmoded, parasitic medieval worldview.

So here’s the cast….

Mina Murray(-Harker): Saoirse Ronan

Stoker was Irish, Murray is an Irish name, and so I think that it’s fitting for the co-star of this movie to be Irish as well. I don’t think anybody can doubt Ronan’s acting chops at this point so I’ll just say that I think she’s got the ability to be kindly and strong, and be the one to take charge of the Crew of Light (which is the badass name the heroes call themselves in the novel).

John Harker: John Boyega

I don’t think I’m the first person to say Boyega would be a great Johnathan. Based on Star Wars alone Boyega can pull off Harker’s mix of “what the F—k is happening” and “touch my friends and I’ll put a Kukri through your neck.” This character has been done wrong throughout decades of film and stage shows and I think Boyega would be perfect to make the character the active, brave, down to earth, kind and loving husband of the novel.

Lucy Westenra: Lily James

Lucy, another character that has been, in my opinion at least, misinterpreted by most adapters. I picture Lucy as Mina’s upper class best friend. A little more deliberately glamorous but a total sweetheart who we believe the Crew of Light would band together to avenge. The idea of an actual Disney Princess in the role of Lucy is a pretty solid way of looking at the character.

Doctor Jackie Seward: Hannah John-Kamen

Yes, I think Seward should be a woman. The cast needs to an overhaul so it’s not all dudes and one Mina once Lucy dies. Kamen has the capability to play a sort of brooding badassery that works for Seward. Seward is a character who is dealing with rejection, being overworked, and probably dealing with some kind of clinical depression but rises to occasion and teams up with the man her ex-girlfriend was going to marry to make sure nobody has to go through it again.

Arthur Holmwood: Tom Felton

As much as I don’t want this to be a total angst-fest, I think Arthur doesn’t really have much of an arc in the novel. Felton can obviously play upper class Englishman and sort of dorky friendly guy (watch his later episodes of the Flash). I think he could also play an Arthur that slowly breaks down at all the loss until he lets the rest of the Crew of Light support him and ends the movie a little more world weary, but ultimately standing upright.

Quincey Morris: Lucas Till

Guy’s actually Texan, which is fun. I’m mostly basing this on his role as Havoc, but I do think he’s got it in him to play Arthur’s supportive, adventurer best friend, who bonds with everyone and sacrifices himself for John and Mina. Just a fun, friendly action hero in the middle of a survival horror thriller.

Abraham Van Helsing: Mark Hamill

I’m sure he can do the accent, and he’s definitely got the look. I imagine him doing a variation on old Luke Skywalker in TLJ. Someone who knows more than the young people around him, who’s hurting from loss and past mistakes (remember book Van Helsing lost a son and has a wife struggling with mental illness) and ultimately gives his charges the tools they need to save the world on their own.

RM Renfield: Bill Skarsgard

I know Renfield should be older, but I have two points. Firstly, I think it’s fun if Dracula ends up enthralling more of an impressionable young person. Second, just look at that picture. That’s Renfield.

Count Dracula: Hugo Weaving

Credit for this one to my friend Ed. Picture him doing Agent Smith crossed with Elrond in Red Skull’s voice. No sexy Dracula (nothing against Mister Weaving), just a dark, menacing, towering figure with a powerful voice looking down on everyone around him.

Adults are surprised to find that tasking teenagers with the fate of the world can be mentally scarring. A child psychologists probably would have worked wonders, but the adults are too busy listening to ‘Build God then we’ll talk’ on repeat because the biggest plot twist is that they need therapy too.