Its Really Just Starting To Hit Me Now. I Wanted A Diagnosis So That People Would Believe Me, But Having

It’s really just starting to hit me now. I wanted a diagnosis so that people would believe me, but having it also means that the doctor is confirming my worst fears. That no, I’m not going to just wake up and be okay. This isn’t some cruel joke that the universe is playing on me.

There are medications and treatments for “pain management,” but that doesn’t mean “making the pain go away.” It means “making it somewhat more bearable.” And based on my track record with meds, I doubt that it’ll do much, if anything.

The crushing reality hit me on the way back home from work today.

I’m always going to be in pain. Until the day I die. And there’s nothing I can do about it. I am sick. And there is no cure.

Omg. That. That is the most accurate statement I have ever read

this is so insanely accurate i dont even know what to say

My mom: How are you?

Me: I’m not okay and I’m never going to be and I want to cry. I mean, uhh, I’m alright. Yeah. Totally fine. Just… uhh… tired. Yeah. Tired. That’s all.

I don’t blame her for not being able to understand. I just want to wake up feeling well-rested for once. To feel… alive.

Me when my therapist doesn’t believe that it’s possible to be a system without having DID but she believes me when I talk about my past lives. Like, what? Excuse me?

Moth (the angry one, check my pinned post for more details there) was just SCREAMING that whole time I was having that conversation.

Like, no questions when I say I have specific memories of two distinct past lives, either. Totally believes me on that.

She thinks that Ilerei is a personification of my compassion and Moth is a personification of my anger. If that’s the case, why would I give it the name Moth? Like, sorry, buddy, but that’s not even that cool of a name. They’re not original characters I just made up. I mean, I’m not sure if I made Ilerei, but she’s become a part of me. And after like two years of being in denial I’ve accepted the fact that I’m part of a system. And my fucking therapist just goes “uhh, nope, you’re wrong.”

So, umm, yeah. I’m really just venting and trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do about this.

Everything hurts and I’m angry all the time. Just grieving everything I could’ve been. I mean, I could’ve been something if I’d had a childhood. If my brain worked the way it’s supposed to. If I wasn’t sick. If I were just… normal.