Also Since I'm Kind Of Confused And Things Went Off-script Both Today And Yesterday, The To-do List Is

Also since I'm kind of confused and things went off-script both today and yesterday, the to-do list is more of a rough draft rather than a set in stone kinda thing. Whatever I don't finish today is just gonna be used for tonight when I can re-arrange and adjust my to-dos for the week, so no pressure on that. Gotta give yourself some grace, whatever it is I'll figure it out.

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀ September 14. 2024 [I'll get through today. There's no other choice!!!]

To do 𐙚. ݁₊⋆❀˖°

♡ AP 1 quiz

♡ AP 3 notes (6 pages)

♡ AP 3 quiz

♡ Filipino 1 quiz

♡ Filipino 3 quiz

Following a set of orders and routine always helps me. This public journal is one of those things that holds me accountable just a little more, while also giving me a frame of reference and reminder to trust myself. I got this far already. I can do it.

I'm in desperate need of time management skills cause what the fuck is this!!!!! What is this!!

I remember once sort of sitting down and thinking, ‘I am terribly depressed and this can not go on…’ and then I thought, ‘Well, you can do two things. You can kill yourself or you can get interested in absolutely everything.’ I read the newspaper every day; I read scientific books and geographical books and historical books and books in other languages, as well as the books that professionally I had to read, and suddenly the world became wonderful. 

AS Byatt, 1936-2023 (x)

Detail from Annunciation, Jan van Eyck, ca. 1434-1436.

𖤓˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀ September 15. 2024 [I fucked up so bad]

To do 𐙚. ݁₊⋆❀˖°

♡ Math quiz

♡ English 1 quiz

♡ Science 1 quiz

♡ TLE quiz

I don't have a lot of time left. I need to be harsher on myself, so I'm setting a ban on all apps I've been rotting in until I can finish shit.

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀ September 14. 2024

"It's almost halloween. I haven't done shit this year."

Done ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ꕥ

♥︎ Wrote A.P 3 glossary

♥︎ Wrote a little bit of the AP 3 notes

Okay listen. I've been seriously struggling this past week and I can sense that I'm falling back into old habits and mentalities, but the one thing I haven't incorporated into my belief system in all the years that I've failed myself is that growth is a constant, and you can always choose it regardless of the conditions.

I'm gonna be fully honest and say that I am fucking scared as shit to go back to square one, because this mode of thinking where I attribute responsibility for myself every step of the way, where failure isn't the #1 expectation or end goal ever is completely new to me. The assumption's always been either "I'm going to have an easy time with this forever and fix my life" or "I have a limited amount of time before I make a single mistake and everything goes to shit forever."

I'm taking more of a middle-ground now where I'm acknowledging that I might fail, but I'll keep trying to get better and do what I was trying to do anyways, try to adjust to it and all. I've read a post somewhere that said people with ADHD particularly struggle with forming habits, which I feel is very accurate to myself. Athough I am undiagnosed, I heavily suspect that I have inattentive ADHD from hearing diagnosed ADHD-inattentives talk about their experiences.

I thik in general, I've just had a very hard time reconciling that habits, for me, must be a forever thing and not something that you just do for a week or month and then automate in your head. Now I'm accepting that this may be a fact and I have to deal with it and it's hopeful, but also there's a lot of doubt and fear on whether I'll be able to do it at all.

But I'll never know it if I don't at least attempt it. The current thing keeping me going is my support network and the idea of "rejecting fate" lol. I'm fighting tooth and nail with the narrative. If I'm doomed then I'll leave my claw marks in the soil.

But anyways, it's getting late, I guess my conclusion for tonight is:

☆ Keep going. Keep trying and see where it goes, you are learning, this is all trial and error, but just keep adjusting and finding out what works and what doesn't

☆ Adjust the schedule for tomorrow due to unexpected changes. I like to consider myself a flexible person in terms of time, althoigh schedules give me a good sense of order and comfort.