Chrys4nthemum - Tumblr Posts

August 30. 2024 update

I had some epic fails today, but I managed to complete most my work on a time-frame that I was satisfied with. I'm planning to add a summary at the end of my notes tomorrow, since I feel like that'll help me understand the lesson as a whole better. I was very invested in the lessons that I'd read today (most specifically on the different epic stories in my Filipino subject) and MAPEH was easier to grasp than I'd assumed, so I'm glad.

If I have the space for it, I'd love to journal about my notes somewhere around the end to decompress my thoughts and feel like I actually understand the things being discussed. I don't know if anyone else feels this but I'm terrified of the things I've learned being forgotten right after the exam.

I won't lie and say that grades weren't one of the reasons I've started studying harder, but I also still have a fear of the knowledge that I've valued and tried my hardest to understand just becoming another page in my notebook, which is why I'm a bit more relieved that I've been writing my notes with ink instead of lead and trying my hardest to keep them all in one place for easy access and revision.

A lot of my notes used to fade away or even get lost in my digital notepad, so fingers crossed that this fixes things.

Song of the day:

"I know I won't always need you like this,

I swear I'm not always falling to bits"

August 31. 2024

I didn't finish it all today. I'll try again tomorrow.

On the brighter side, at least I've read a book and journalled for the first time in a long time.

"you stay soft, get eaten

Only natural to harden up."

September 1. 2024

I didn't get many things done today, I crammed and half-assed my notes for my subjects on digital to finish it faster, but I will try again tomorrow. I'll take a rest and change up how I do things to keep myself on track. Currently, the things that kept me from doing work were a mix of overthinking, fatigue, a tendency for excuses and an "all or nothing" mentality.

I haven't been sleeping well lately so I'll sleep earlier, starting today. I'll break my tasks down into smaller bits and take it one step at a time to avoid overwhelming myself. I feel a lot of shame surrounding this, but I will continue anyways. I'll also thrown in some doodles and hobbies in the middle of my breaks for Nourishment.

I fucked up bad this weekend but I will keep going. I will forgive myself and learn from this.

Song of the day:

"In my defense, I wasn't supposed to be around this long, so"

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀ September 2. 2024.

"Cause when a dog eats dog, it's a serious thing! For a material girl with immaterial swing."

Done ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ꕥ

♥︎ Filipino: summarized two folk tales

♥︎ Other: Read Chapter 4-6 of The Setting Sun by Osamu Dazai

I hadn't finished much, if anything at all today, but I did work on my Filipino notes for about 2 hours, so despite not having crossed anything off my list, I consider today well-spent. I felt good and I'm just trying to move along and work with time instead of against it. I'm probably overestimating myself and setting my goals too high, which is what's leading to my constant disappointment.

With the suspension of classes, I have more time to catch up and finish my notes. I took a different approach and started from the hardest thing to summarize from the list of folk epics, since I figured that doing it when my brain was most active and awake would help me tackle it better. It felt much easier to go through it first rather than the other way around, so I'll be doing that a lot more often.

Contrary to my last update about trying out illustrations on the side of my note-taking, I couldn't find the opportunity for it since I'm very space efficient with my notes. It feels wrong not to use the available space for the text, but who knows, maybe I'll find it in myself to do soon. There's also the aspect of not knowing how to do it in the first place, so maybe in my free time, I could figure it out? :]

I know I talk a lot about studying and school work on this blog, but I barely speak of the things I've learned— which I feel like should be important, especially if I'm proving that I really do care and haven't just been mindlessly writing it all down. It's unnatural for me to speak in-depth about personal things at all, but if I end up being uncomfortable, then I'll just private this and never do it again.

The current things I'm learning from my Filipino subject are on the various "Awiting-Bayan," which are Filipino folk talkes. A good portion of them weren't properly recorded due to Spanish colonialism, being replaced with Spanish literature in an attempt to prevent the natives from developing their own literature, and in turn, independence. Things like this are what reminds me of how important literature is for revolution.

It's relevant with what I've been hearing lately about parents pulling their children out of school, isolating them and having full control over their education in fear that they'll develop critical thinking and go against them. Depriving someone (or a group) of knowledge makes it easier to manipulate and condition them, which is fucking terrifying in the context of what I'm seeing today.

It's getting late, so if the rest of this entry is incomprehensible or choppy, then I'm sorry lol.

Some other things I've wanted to mention are how folk tales can reveal certain things about the time period, culture and area from which they've emerged from. The ones inside my Filipino textbook are confusing so I tried to find out if there's any more explanations on other sites, but have only come up with more questions and confusion!!!

I am very curious as to what inspired these stories, particularly a Bisayan folk tale I've found most vexing (Buod ni Labaw Donggon) because the story came off as chaotic, and the moral was much harder for me to figure out than the rest. I have a feeling that the author of the textbook had also begun to lose the idea of the plot as well due to the questions becoming increasingly simplistic. (Example: What was the role of X character?)

There was another folk tale that was a bit more vague, but I enjoyed nonetheless, and it's "Buod ng biag ni Lam-ang" which is an Ilocano story about a man who avenges his father's death. The ending where he bathed in the river and killed all the fishes from the sheer amount of blood that resulted from his battles was chefs kiss. He ends up destroying a mountain and the house of the girl he'd been in love with with his magical dog and rooster, and yes, he does rebuild the house with the magical rooster, but I feel like it's such a cool story on how Lam-ang then switched to using destruction for everything after spending his whole life avenging his father's death.

But aside from the stories in my textbook, I read an interesting article a while back on Tricksters in Philippine mythology being a product from the fantasy of overcoming colonial rule through wit. I feel like that perfectly encapsulates the idea of how mythologies- and generally, stories, relate to their time periods and contexts. I hadn't fully read the article as it was paywalled (if I remember correctly) but it was such an interesting thing to think about.

There is also the matter of folk tales being written and told before the emergence of Science as a way to explain the mystery of the surrounding world, and this is something I've heard of in Greek Mythology and certain myths about celestial bodies and islands.

I think it's a massive fucking bummer that most Filipino folk tales weren't properly documented, I always get frustrated thinking about how little there is on pre-colonial Philippines due to erasure so that is something I'd like to research when I have the opportunity.

I wanted to talk more about The Setting Sun, but it's getting extremely late so that'll have to come in the next entry. I'm not sure if it's just me but I have a tendency to type and yap for too long, this entry took me over an hour to finish? Wild. Well, that's about it. I'll yap again tomorrow.

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀ Sep 5. 2024

"God knows I could make amends."

Done ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ꕥ

♡ Filipino: notes (5/6 completed) (I wrote the character list but not the event or summary)

♡ AP: notes

♥︎ AP: read powerpoint

♥︎ Math: review

♥︎ Science: review

Short update for tonight.

I should stop setting goals so high so I can stop getting disappointed and demotivated when I don't reach them. I finished most of what I wanted to do today but I'm still unsatisfied. :(

I don't want to keep making excuses for myself but I don't want to beat myself up over it either. I just get upset about it and try to forgive myself anyway. I think I want to make more art so I will try to be more impulsive instead of waiting around.

I realize a lot of people on studyblr are pursuing degrees and focused in on a single topic or two, but I'm still very much in high school. I wonder if there's a studyblr for highschoolers?

If I have the opportunity I'd like to share some of my updates regarding the books I've been reading and some art studies. I'm interested in Japanese literature and novels, but I do read non-fiction about animals and psychology.

I have an annoying habit of doing more art studies than actual creative art so you'll be seeing a lot from me about that than free sketches lol. I really want to go outside :(

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀ Sep 6. 2024

"It's my problem if I have no friends and feel I want to die."

Done ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ꕥ

♥︎ English: activity

♡ English: assignment (Finished most but still need to do the plot diagram)

♥︎ Math: activity (5/5)

♡ Filipino: notes (5/6)

♡ Mapeh: review

♥︎ Other: take a fucking nap, holy shit, man

♥︎ Other: finished The Setting Sun by Osamu Dazai

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀ September 7. 2024

"When you get back on a Saturday night and the room is cavin' in, do you look like me, do you feel like me? Do you turn into your effigy?"

Done ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ꕥ

♥︎ English: finish writing plot diagram

♡ AP: notes (4.9/10)

♡ Ap: notes on powerpoint (0/6)

♡ Mapeh: notes (0/7)

Another failnight guys. But it's okay I'm coping 👍

Tracking my progress to see the amount of time I take to do something and the amount of pages I have to finish is helping me get a better scale of my limits. Since I've started this blog I've always kinda visualized "(Subject) notes" as vaguely being between three tiers of easy/medium/hard, but now I'm starting to realize it's more situational and based on the length of the thing lol.

Example: my Filipino subject. It took me a bit to realize why it'd taken me so long to finish noting it down— aside from my general weakness in Tagalog, there were just 9 whole ass pages to go through. No shit it took me that long.

So anyways. Even if I didn't finish everything tonight, still a learning experience. I'm still switching up how I do things and experimenting with what'll work best in order to get things done. I'm not used to studying since it was never a habit, but I'm learning along the way, so would love to see how things progress in this blog.

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀ September 14. 2024

"It's almost halloween. I haven't done shit this year."

Done ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ꕥ

♥︎ Wrote A.P 3 glossary

♥︎ Wrote a little bit of the AP 3 notes

Okay listen. I've been seriously struggling this past week and I can sense that I'm falling back into old habits and mentalities, but the one thing I haven't incorporated into my belief system in all the years that I've failed myself is that growth is a constant, and you can always choose it regardless of the conditions.

I'm gonna be fully honest and say that I am fucking scared as shit to go back to square one, because this mode of thinking where I attribute responsibility for myself every step of the way, where failure isn't the #1 expectation or end goal ever is completely new to me. The assumption's always been either "I'm going to have an easy time with this forever and fix my life" or "I have a limited amount of time before I make a single mistake and everything goes to shit forever."

I'm taking more of a middle-ground now where I'm acknowledging that I might fail, but I'll keep trying to get better and do what I was trying to do anyways, try to adjust to it and all. I've read a post somewhere that said people with ADHD particularly struggle with forming habits, which I feel is very accurate to myself. Athough I am undiagnosed, I heavily suspect that I have inattentive ADHD from hearing diagnosed ADHD-inattentives talk about their experiences.

I thik in general, I've just had a very hard time reconciling that habits, for me, must be a forever thing and not something that you just do for a week or month and then automate in your head. Now I'm accepting that this may be a fact and I have to deal with it and it's hopeful, but also there's a lot of doubt and fear on whether I'll be able to do it at all.

But I'll never know it if I don't at least attempt it. The current thing keeping me going is my support network and the idea of "rejecting fate" lol. I'm fighting tooth and nail with the narrative. If I'm doomed then I'll leave my claw marks in the soil.

But anyways, it's getting late, I guess my conclusion for tonight is:

☆ Keep going. Keep trying and see where it goes, you are learning, this is all trial and error, but just keep adjusting and finding out what works and what doesn't

☆ Adjust the schedule for tomorrow due to unexpected changes. I like to consider myself a flexible person in terms of time, althoigh schedules give me a good sense of order and comfort.

☾˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀ September 14. 2024

"You have no right to be depressed, you haven't tried hard enough to like it.

Haven't seen enough of this world,

but it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts."

Done ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ꕥ

♥︎ AP 3 notes (2/6)

I haven't finished much tonight but I'm calmer. I'm trying to be kinder to myself all the time. It's very hard. I will keep doing it.

𖤓 day entry

☾˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀ September 15. 2024

"My whole body's made of crushed little stars

and I'm not doing anything."

Done ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ꕥ

♥︎ English review

♥︎ Mapeh/TLE review

♥︎ Science review

♥︎ Math review (notes are 10/52 pages. I had to skim through the rest due to time constraints but I'll be reading through the rest this week)

I underestimated how long Math would take and ended up having to cram in the rest of my subjects on digital. As much as I enjoy handwritten notes, I think I'm gonna have to do the same thing for AP, Filipino and Science too to conseeve time. :( I can always handwrite them after since my top priority right now is to understand as much of my lessons as quickly as possible, but it's still a very big bummer.

𖤓 morning update

☾˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀ September 18. 2024 "Art gets what it wants and art gets what it deserves."

Done ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ꕥ

♥︎ Rewrite formal theme (1/2)

♥︎ Finished IEWU

My back hurts so fucking much. It's almost been a month since I started doing this, if I can keep going for at least half a year more, I'd be happy. Though I'm trying to break out of the mentality that stability is a one month free trial before it all goes to shit, it's kind of hard when that's been my basis for years now. I want to be realistic and neither pressure nor shame myself for all the struggles that come along the way, and so far so good, but I'm still looking out for any warning signs that I might be getting Sad again so I could prepare accordingly.

Probably the mentality keeping me afloat right now is "it is what it is" and "whatever will be, will be." I'm always expecting the worst case scenario, and I worry sometimes if I should be expecting positive outcomes instead to be more motivated. Neither one reassures me as much as going "fuck it, we ball" and living anyways. I've done this before, and I can do it again. I have the power to change and grow under any condition.

I get worried again that I sound too much like a cheesy motivational speaker when I talk about these things, but they are genuinely how I feel about my life and how I'm approaching things. I don't want to sound like I know everything and I've got it all figured out. I'm scared every step of the way. I'm fucking terrified that everything's gonna fall apart and I'll be back to square one every single day, because I've gone through this before, and its fucking tiring.

But the thing I have to acknowledge is that I don't know that for sure. I can neither rule it out as a possibility, nor prophesize it. If I do end up back on square one, though, then I still have evidence, reminders that I've done hard things before, that I've crawled out of ruts and I can get out again. That's what these journal entries are for— they're for me, to remind myself that I've survived the years prior to this, and that I will survive again.

Anyways, here's a picture I took of an English essay I had to rewrite. My hand and back ended up hurting very badly because I didn't stop in-between to take breaks when I was trying to cram all the words onto one page. I have to cut some out for Filipino tomorrow too, unless...?

☾˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀ September 19. 2024 "Cute thing, don't be rude thing."

Done ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ꕥ

♥︎ Filipino assignment (5/10)

♥︎ Started Convenience Store Woman

☾˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀ September 24. 2024 "There it is again, that funny feeling."

Done ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ꕥ

♥︎ Math review

♥︎ Math answer

Likely one of the rare instances where I've actually completed everything on my list for the day. I've been feeling like shit lately and I can't tell whether it's because I'm slacking or if I'm burning out so much that I get mad at myself for not working 24/7. I heard that's a thing that can happen, but I'm not sure, it might be the lack of sleep too. My mind's just been all over the place lately and I'm not sure why. It's harder to focus. I think I have to really ban myself from doomscrolling on Youtube and Pinterest so much, so I'm conditioning myself to use my phone since I don't have anything too distracting on there.

On the other hand, I really have been making progress. Have I mentioned it already? I forgot, but I talked about how 5 p.m felt like a death sentence when I haven't done anything all day on here before. That's because the hours proceeding it are the busiest for things like eating, showering, washing the dishes, etc.

In order to "fix" this, I just moved all those tasks a few hours earlier than I usually do them. I used to shower around 8-10 p.m, but I changed it recently to 6-7 p.m. I don't have any control on when I can eat, so I just eat as soon as the food is ready.

Aside from that, I've been switching tactics when it comes to studying for Math. I used to copy every little detail from the textbook onto my notebook, but now I just take the photo copies of the textbook's practice questions and make flashcards of them in Canva, then I just figure it out along the way. Math is easier to learn when you put application instead of theory first.

I'm still figuring this "time management" thing out, but I think I'm doing better cutting down dead weight than before. I just need to keep going.

𖤓 Morning entry