I Cannot Be Stopped

I cannot be stopped

where! has! my! passion! gone! I had it abundantly when I was a child, and I must have dropped it along the way, but I cannot figure where!

When your right to say no is entirely hypothetical

Some scary controlling people will tell you over and over how important consent is to them. They will tell you that they want to respect your boundaries, and that if anything makes you uncomfortable, they will stop. They will say this over and over, apparently sincerely.

Until you actually say no.

And then, suddenly, they create a reason that it wasn’t ok, after all, and that you’re going to do what they wanted anyway.

They will tell you that it *would* be ok to say no, and that of course they’d respect it, but you said it wrong. And that you have to understand that it hurts them when you say it that way. (And that you should make it better by doing what they wanted).

Or they will tell you that of course they don’t want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, but you said yes before. And that this means that either it’s really ok with you, or that you don’t trust them anymore. And that you have to understand that it hurts when you withdraw trust like that (and that you should make it better by doing what they wanted.)

Or that they have a headache. Or that they just can’t deal with it right now. That maybe when they feel better or aren’t tired or grumpy or had a better day it will be ok to say no. (And that meanwhile, you should fix things by doing what they wanted).

Or that by saying no, you’re accusing them of being an awful person. And that they’d never do anything to hurt you, so why are you making accusations like that? (And, implicitly, that you should fix it by doing what they wanted.)

If this kind of thing happens every time you say no, things are really wrong. 

No isn’t a theoretical construct. In mutually respectful relationships, people say no to each other often, and it’s not a big deal

I’ll make sure you never get a date again.

Over two years ago, I dated a boy for around 5 or 6 months. Let’s call him X. Ultimately, I broke up with X because he routinely sexually assaulted me, cheated on me, threatened to tell my mother horrific and untrue things about me if I left him, and many other things of that sort. We don’t talk regularly, but every time he likes a girl he’ll pretend to text me accidentally and tell me about it in an attempt to make me jealous. I have a friend who X talks to regularly, and this friend will then tell me the name of the girl he’s crushing on.

Every time this happens, I send the girl a DM. I tell her that I heard that X has been crushing on her, and that she’s free to make her own choices about dating him, but before she should do so she should know the kind of person he really is. I then tell her the truth about what he did to me, sprinkling in some old screenshots I’ve saved just for this occasion. I make sure to include that it’s entirely possible he may have changed, but should they date she should look out for those warning behaviors. I ask her to please not share any of the information I’ve given her, as he could still tell my mother many of the thing she threatened to before (not that she would believe him).

So far, I’ve done this with 4 girls. None of them have ever said anything, and all of them have unexpectedly stopped talking to him out of nowhere (according to the mutual friend). He posts on social media all the time about how he can never get a date, and occasionally rants about how women are so picky and choosy and always flake out halfway through a flirtatious relationship.

It may seem over the top, but the sexual abuse I suffered through has deeply affected me, and I fully intend to make sure he can never get a date again. Take that, b*tch. (source)

Whenever I come across a trainee in customer service (like a cashier, or a sales rep), there is usually a senior/experienced employee with them doing the training and they always apologise for the trainee. “Sorry, they’re learning.” And I always respond with, “That’s good! We all have to learn.”

Even when I got a new phone and had to wait five hours for them to process the purchase (it was on a contract so there were a lot of forms and regulatory steps to finalise), when the trainee went to the back and I was alone with the store manager, I made a point in how impressed I was with the trainee’s performance. The relief on her face was prudent and they were extremely grateful for my patience.

We don’t discourage children from learning. We don’t lambast them when they can’t perform a task that an experienced person can do. Humans aren’t born with the inherent ability to work a credit card facility. We are born to learn and develop skills that help ourselves and each other.

The only decent thing we can do is be patient and encourage each other to become the best at what we do.