Day 2

Day 2

Found out last night that I'll probable never talk to Adolpho again, which breaks my heart and makes me feel so angry at myself and so, so guilty, but that was also oddly freeing to learn.

It's weird, I love him to absolute pieces, and I may never even get him back as a friend, but it feels like now I almost have permission to stop constantly thinking about him. If he wants me to put in the work to gain forgiveness, I gladly will, but as it stands, it's unlikely. So, in my mind, if you love someone, set them free, and if having to contact with me would make him happier, then I'll withstand it for his sake.

Again, this does make it easier to stop obsessing over him, and to give Niani the attention he genuinely deserves, even though some of my hopes and dreams are crushed (all be it by my own doing).

I'm still making an attempt to improve myself, maybe a tiny bit in hopes Adolpho will forgive me, but mostly for Niani and preserving and improving our relationship.

DNI !PLS READ!

If you're bigoted in any way

If yk me irl (a few exceptions)

if you're against neopronouns

if you s3xualize age regression

if you're a p3do

I can't think of anything else but I may update

Oh yeah I don't like art thieves

Tw: self hate, references to: death, self harm, vomit, depression, EDs, etc.

Last night I cried so hard for about half an hour to the point where I almost threw up. No one was online so I got no solace in other people. I had spent the whole day cleaning and just messing everything up. I didn't get a single bit of drawing in, which is one of the only things that brings me joy at this point.

I was listening to my Spotify playlist, which made me feel more understood, but it didn't really help bring me out of it. I've been clean of self harm for over 4 months now, but that was one of the moments I was seriously close to losing that streak.

I was thinking about everything wrong, from my best friends death to my once good, now awful relationship with my mother, to a thing with an ex where I regret even dating them, not because it was bad, but because I had to choose between him and my current lover and you can probably assume who I chose. Now I'm worried he hates me, which is awful because I still love him, I just see my current lover as end game.

I feel so guilty for that last one, and for the first one. It feels like everything is getting bad again, from me starting down the road to an ED relapse without knowing the trigger, to suicidal thoughts popping up in a genuine manner, not loud enough for me to listen to them, but enough to be heard and thought of. I thought I was getting better, I wanted to get better, it makes me so sick to know that I may never fully recover.

Day 3

Been working a lot on world building for my story and making sure Niani feels loved and appreciated. Sometimes I still feel bad things because my brain goes to Adolpho, but I'm getting better at that part so far

Y’all a tumblr user made this and idk how to feel abt the results