Ii. Butterflies Choi Soobin

ii. butterflies — choi soobin

synopsis. you’d never understood it before. the shy glances, whispered words of affection, traded glances that only you two were privy to understanding. then, a blue boy had waltzed into your life, drawing you in with his warm eyes, his wide smile, his sweet laugh, his cool gaze—his everything. butterflies had bloomed in your chest, and you’d let them, even though you’d known they’d eventually be ripped out. leaving you with a gaping hole where your heart used to be.

pairing(s). choi soobin x gender-neutral!reader ft. soobin x karina & (mentions of) soobin x yeonjun

genre(s). angst, coming-of-age, drama, (minor) fluff, highschool au, romance.

warnings. alcohol consumption, allusions to cheating, cheating, mentions of blood & gore, partying, underage drinking. rated PG 15.

word count. 3.2k (3227)

taglist. @yeonyeonyeonjun​​ if you’d like to be tagged in each part when i post them, feel free to send me an ask or dm me!!

listen to! odds, NIKI ⭑ so much better, tinashe ⭑ you right, doja cat ⭑ fool for you, snoh aelegra ⭑ cherry, rina sawayama

notes. the second part of heartbreak haven AAAAAAAAAA!!! imo this is the most angst-filled part (for almost everyone involved), but it also explains a lot of went unexplained in the last part. sorry gyu but this series rlly is just a soobin, yeonjun, y/n love triangle and he’s the guy just happy to be involved LOL but we’ll got more into that in his part i would say i hope you guys enjoy, but it’s not exactly the easiest thing to enjoy, so i hope you at least have fun reading it! ♡♡

What did it take to fall in love?

Was it a momentary glance? The stars’ alignment? Prettily strung-together words? Or, was it much more than that? More difficult than that? (More sinister than that?)

Until you’d met Choi Soobin, that question was a rhetorical one—not because it couldn’t be answered, but because you’d thought you would never be able to answer it. Love had been the last thing on your mind—discarded and pushed to the deepest crevices of your brain—so you’d never thought such a silly, rhetorical question could've caused you so much pain.

(Oh, boy, how it could.)

The butterflies in your chest fluttered to life, for the very first time, when you locked eyes with Soobin.

His eyes were pools—dark, dark, dark pools. There were rings and layers to the velvety chocolate in his eyes, lined by sweet caramel dripping with love (lies!). His pupils, so dark and so wide, blended in with the deep pool—hiding to serve as the final prize. As the corners of his eyes crinkled ever so slightly, and his pupils grew, you realised you wanted to swim in those pools. Drown in them, if he would let you. Die in them.

The butterflies, flapping their wings tenderly, gently—like the love blossoming in you was so fragile it could break (it could, and would, for it was more fragile than the daintiest of glasses)—agreed.

Tearing your eyes away from him and back to your teacher, you liked to imagine the flutter the butterflies’ wings made was a song specially crafted for you. A song that would ring in your ears, caress his, and tie you two together with a knot.

The thought, so silly and so lovestruck, brought a grin to your face—one that didn’t go unnoticed by three pairs of eyes.

The next time you saw Soobin, the butterflies beat their wings faster.

It was early October, still warm in the morning with a slight breeze every so often, so your gym class was held outside—something that most people didn’t enjoy. Nothing was flattering, nor gracious, about running laps under the beating sun, with only a flimsy gust of wind to cool you down.

But, he managed to make that class look so graceful—like he was floating on clouds. The sun’s harsh rays, that wore everyone else out, complimented his cream skin and made him gleam. The few gusts always managed to catch his nape, sending a brief breeze down his sweaty neck. Even the sweat (the salty tears! The salty tears, planted by those before you, that you failed to notice) beading on his forehead and jaw accentuated those areas, sculpting him like he was made by Aphrodite herself. Maybe he was. Maybe he was a Greek god in disguise, choosing to dwell among mere mortals to bless you all with his ethereal looks.

I’m definitely being blessed, you thought, as you finished a lap around the track and he sent a suave wink your way. The butterflies, agreeing, challenged your heart to see who could beat faster.

The race was tight, but as he slowed down his pace to match yours, your heart won—screaming from the effort.

“Hi,” he said, wiping away at sweat and grinning, “I don’t think I’ve seen you around before. I’m Soobin.”

For a second, the butterflies faltered. Had he not noticed it—the cocooning in your chests the moment you two locked eyes? Or, had the caterpillars only crawled into your chest, gnawing away at your flesh, till they found a home there? (Was his chest not warm enough for caterpillars to cocoon, was the question you failed to wonder—failed to ask.)

Then, his grin widened, eyes crinkling like they had before and none of that mattered.

“_____,” you mumbled out, suddenly as nervous as a schoolchild talking to their crush and as tongue-tied.

“_____,” he repeated, singing every syllable like your name was the prettiest song, “Nice to meet you, _____.”

“Nice to meet you too,” you singsonged back, a slow smile stretching your lips.

(It—him, the butterflies, the beginning of what was about to come—was not nice. But, how could you have known?)

He stretched out his hand toward you, a wide grin on his face. A crease formed between your brows, and you shook your head.

“Wanna compare hand sizes?” he asked, giggling a bit at his own question. “I know it’s really cheesy, but—"

“Don’t worry about it, Soobin,” you cut him off, a laugh of your own tumbling past your lips. “I get it.”

You didn’t. You truly didn’t. But, his eyes, his smile, his entire being had a hold on you that you couldn’t explain. All you knew was you were willing to give this boy your entire heart, even if it meant never getting it back again.

So, what was the deal with giving him your hand?

As he put his hand against yours, you could feel every ridge of his palm. There were rough callouses on his flesh, probably from his time spent playing basketball for the school team, but they felt smooth to you. His hand, large and warm, squeezed yours—sending the butterflies dancing and soaring, breaking out of your chest and into a tiny nook in your heart.

Your heart felt like a chrysalis. With every stray glance, whispered conversation, and shy laugh, it beat and rustled, as the butterflies shifted inside—itching to be let out. It stung, sent a bone-deep ache through your body, but you loved it. The ache was a reminder of your love, after all.

There was a time the chrysalis almost shattered, a time you almost lost your heart.

“Choi Yeonjun?” Soobin’s eyebrows narrowed, a wary expression on his face. “Yeah, I’ve heard of him… Why?”

You only studied his guarded features for a second (you should’ve studied them longer, dissected them till you found the answer), before smiling cautiously. “He’s my best friend. I promised to introduce him to the guy I‘ve been ditching him for.”

He laughed his warm, rich laugh that you loved so much (but you didn’t notice the strain in this particular time). An eyebrow raised, he leaned across his centre console. “_____,” he singsonged, the way he always did, “You’ve been ditching him for me? Tsk, tsk.”

“Shut up.” You rolled your eyes, but you didn’t mean it. You never did. “He’s been wanting to meet you, since I’ve only called you ‘blue boy.’”

Soobin’s laughter ceased slowly, his eyes narrowing. “Blue boy?”

Closing the distance between you two, you ruffled his dark blue hair. (you didn’t notice the note of discomfort on his face as) You smiled brightly. “Yeah, it’s a cute, little nickname I gave you. ‘Suits you perfectly.”

“Yeah,” he chuckled, quietly and hollowly, “But, I’m the only boy with blue hair in our school. I’m pretty sure Yeonjun knows who I am already.”

You snorted, giving his nose a little boop before moving away—butterflies hammering away in your heart, the chrysalis, all the while. “Well, you’re not the only blue-haired boy I know. I could be talking about anyone, for all he knows.”

He nodded, but his gaze was growing distant—flickering towards his rearview mirror. “So, when do you want us to meet? I’m not free this afternoon. Jimin has an important recital she wants me to attend.”

At the mention of his girlfriend, the butterflies ceased their flapping and your heart almost dropped into your stomach.

You’d known, from the second you two locked eyes till now, that he had a girlfriend. Yoo Jimin, a kind and cheerful brunette who mostly kept to herself, was dating Choi Soobin, star of your school’s basketball team. In theory, the couple didn’t make sense. How could someone who kept to herself date such an outgoing and popular guy? But, watching the way she doted on him and the way he smiled the widest around her, you knew there was no space for anyone else in either of their hearts.

(It was no wonder the butterflies were only in your heart.)

The chrysalis was struggling to stay intact, but you urged your heart to hold on—to not give up on your butterflies, just yet. (Would things have turned out differently, if you’d let them just die?) “Right, Jimin’s recital. I, I’ll, uh, ask Yeonjun when he’s free. Then, we can arrange something. Jimin can come too, if you want.”

(Bad idea, bad idea, bad idea.)

He smiled, an uneasy one that mirrored how you were feeling. “Sur—”

And then, the bell went off and you two were whisked away from each other again, back into your usual routines.

A hard shell grew around your chrysalis.

Mentions of Soobin made the butterflies sing a song with their wings and shield themselves from whatever words were uttered at the same time. The sight of Jimin slowed their wings, almost to a complete standstill, while the vines holding the chrysalis intertwined with your lungs. Any time Soobin and Yeonjun were within the same vicinity, you would seize up, the butterflies crawling up your throat until you could taste their velvety wings and nothing else.

It hurt, guarding your love for Soobin and burying it deep down inside, but you couldn’t think of any other way to preserve it.

(Maybe you shouldn’t have.)

The only times you could break down the shell, bare your love in its purest form, was when it was you and him alone. You would hide your love in the curve of your smile, tucking it in the folds carefully so he—and, he alone—was the only one who saw it. Many times, between exchanged glances, you would confess your love over and over again—the words bleeding from your eyes. To others, your lips were straight, expressionless and empty. But, to him, they were constantly moving, twisting, to sing a song of your effervescent love.

(Sometimes, you wondered if he even received your love—if he let you undress it before him, in the first place.)

So, your chrysalis’s shell nearly melted when, one late night shift, Yeonjun asked, “Since when were you and Soobin friends?”

Blue Diner was empty, it almost always was once the moon was high up in the sky, save for you, Yeonjun, and your coworker in the back. Yet, still, Yeonjun’s words managed to shock you so much that you lost count of the money in your hand, groaning before you started all over again.

“Twenty-two thousand, twenty-three thousand—”

“_____?” he asked again, eyebrows raised, “If you don’t want to answer, don’t. But, don’t pretend I didn’t say anything. Please.”

Your eyes flickered between him and the money in your hand. Putting it aside, you rested your chin on the cash register. “I wasn’t pretending you didn’t say anything… I, I just didn’t know how to answer. It’s a bit complicated.”

He nodded, veiling his eyes before you could figure out what the disappointment in his eyes meant.

“To be honest… I don’t know how it started,” you shrugged, a smile stretching your lips without you even realising it, “It’s kinda like us. One day, we’re strangers, and then the next, we’re closer than ever. Like… magic almost. A magical bond.”

“A magical bond?” he whispered sardonically, more to himself than you. He could already feel the bitterness seeping into his heart, something he told himself he wouldn’t allow to happen. Yeonjun cleared his throat and asked, despite the obvious answer in your eyes, “You don’t… you don’t have feelings for him, right?”

“What?” Again, his question caught you off guard, stealing your breath from you for a moment. Your chest expanded with every passing moment, giving the butterflies room to panic around in your heart, until you couldn’t take it anymore. Letting go of the breath you were holding in, you collapsed your lungs, sending the butterflies into a temporary state of orderliness. “No, no. He has a girlfriend, come on.”

“If he didn’t though?”

Your eyes, which were focused on the register, slowly met Yeonjun’s. Like always, it was hard to decipher what was in his eyes. All you could make out was a warning, and the deep sorrow he always carried around with him.

What was he warning you about? (Why didn’t you listen?)

“I… I don’t. Him having a girlfriend doesn’t affect that.” You smiled through your lie—such a feeble one, that you knew both of you could see through.

But, as he sighed deeply, it was easy for you to pretend he didn’t know the truth. That he couldn’t see the love practically dancing in your irises. And, it was easy for him to pretend he didn’t know the truth. That he couldn’t feel the faint flutter of butterfly wings in his own chest.

The butterflies were growing tired of your heart. They wanted to fly, to soar, to explore the skies. But, behind a shell, and a chrysalis so weak and tender, you kept them hidden away. And, as time went on, they grew restless and impatient.

They needed to be let out.

(And, they would be.)

One day, Soobin offered them the release they so desperately wanted. With a smile you hadn’t seen before, eyes that’d previously been reserved for Jimin and Jimin only, he asked you if you needed a ride home.

“What about Jimin?” you asked, glancing over your shoulder like she was there right behind you—tutting at your eagerness to see her boyfriend. “Don’t you usually drive her home?”

His smile widened. “Don’t worry about her.”

(You should’ve. Should’ve worried so much about her. But, you trusted Soobin.) Nodding once, you whispered back, “Sure. Walk me there from my last class? It’s World History with Mr. Jeon.”

“Mhm.” You weren’t sure, but as you stared at his smile again, there was a glimpse of the love you’d given him hidden in his smile’s curve. The butterflies beat their wings faster at that. They were ready to soar.

And, later, in the backseat of his car, they soared. (Oh, they soared alright.)

Soobin leaned in close to you, thumb dangerously close to your lips, and whispered, “You know, since I first saw you in that class, I liked you. ‘Couldn’t get you off my mind.”

Your breath hitched, the butterflies fluttered at an alarming speed, and you couldn’t take your eyes off his lips. Cupping the side of his face, you asked, “But, what about Jimin? I… This is wrong. You’re hurt—”

“I told you not to worry about her,” he smiled a reassuring smile, holding the hand on your jaw, “We broke up. To be honest, our relationship wasn’t doing well for a long time. Even before you entered the picture. We were telling ourselves we still loved each other when that was the furthest thing from the truth. I let go of her because… the person I really love is you. I love you, _____.”

All at once, your lungs filled with air once again, and the butterflies tore out of your chrysalis your lungs, your being. They danced around you, their wings flapping like they’d never before, as you whispered your confession back to Soobin. Wide smiles stretched your lips, he whispered soft words in your ear, and then he kissed you. Soobin kissed you, slow and steady, to the tune of the butterflies’ wings. And, though, there was a hole where your heart used to be, you were happier than you’d ever been.

(You didn’t know that happiness came at a price—a heavy price.)

You didn’t have to worry about the butterflies anymore. They were out of your chest, soaring out in the open for everyone to see, just like they’d wanted.

In your chest, there was a huge hole, a torn mass of flesh and blood that used to house them, but every one of Soobin’s kisses stitched a piece of it back together.

Soobin’s kisses were a remedy. He kissed you between classes, in empty hallways no one could spot you two in. He kissed you in his car during lunch, teasing you about how flustered you would get. He kissed your knuckles when no one was watching, smiling at you as he did so. Your forehead, your cheeks, the spots behind your ears—there was almost nowhere Soobin didn’t kiss.

(You didn’t know he sucked a bit of life out of you with every pepper of his kisses.)

And, just as they remedied you, they hurt you as well.

One October morning, when the air was damp but the sun wasn’t shining, Soobin pulled you aside to kiss you before one of your classes. It was chaste, yet filled with so much love. So much love that you didn’t notice someone was watching you two, till he was ripped away from you.

A teary Jimin glanced between you two, lips wobbling. As your eyes focused on her, she set her lip into a grim, straight line and wiped the lone tear that escaped her eye. “What the fuck? What’s going on here?”

Your eyebrows furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“Again?” Slowly, another tear slid down Jimin’s cheek and this time she didn’t bother wiping it away. She turned away from you, anger growing in the depths of her eyes. “You told me last time was a mistake, Bin! That he kissed you!”

If you still had a heart, you were sure it would’ve fallen into the depths of your stomach. But, you didn’t. So, you could only stand there, paralysed, as Soobin refused to look into either of your eyes.

“Jimin, I can explain. _____ kissed—”

“Shut up!” All you could see was her back, but you could feel the waves of anger rippling off from her. “You can’t fool me this time, Soobin. I, I talked to him the other day—can you believe it? I never thought I’d say that.”

Soobin’s eyes widened, and—for the first time—you felt a different, darker type of fluttering within you at the sight.

He stuttered out, “W-wait, Jimin, don’t—”

“And, you know what he… your ‘friend’ told me?” Jimin turned back to you, her eyes red and her face flushed. “He saw you two kissing in the back of your car last week!”

You couldn’t breathe. You couldn’t. The chrysalis’ vines had left punctures in your lungs, the butterflies had filled your throat with mush, and your heart was no longer. Was this—this toe-curling, stomach-fluttering—feeling heartbreak? But, how could your heart break when it wasn’t there to begin with?

Tears pricked your eyes, as you touched your lips—the lips Soobin had kissed. “You,” your voice broke halfway through, tears and butterfly fluid choking you up, “y-you lied to me? You never broke up with Jimin?”

Soobin’s eyes landed on yours, pleading—and, though you hated to admit it, you wanted to forgive him—and wide. But, they didn’t stay on yours. They flickered back to Jimin’s, just as pleading and as wide too.

“_____, Jimin, I’m—”

You had had enough.

Wiping away at the tears dotting your cheeks, you turned your back on Soobin and extended a hand in Jimin’s direction. You’d never thought you would be here, picking Jimin over Soobin, but here you were. She accepted your hand, throwing one last glare in her boyfriend’s—ex-boyfriend’s—direction before attempting a smile at you.

And, as you two walked off together, tears still streaming down your faces, you knew you would never be able to feel those butterflies again.

i. autumn breeze | iii. blushed cheeks & burned hearts

copyright 2022 soobisms, all rights reserved. no translations or reposts of any form allowed.

FEEL MY RHYTHM (2022) ✗ ART REFERENCES

i. autumn breeze — choi yeonjun

synopsis. it was the fateful beginning to the last year of your high school life and you were starting off fresh. new town, new school, new you. after some messy love, choi yeonjun was looking for a fresh start too, leading you two to finding each other. however, as you would soon learn, nothing in high school lasts forever. not even your favourite autumn breeze.

pairing(s). choi yeonjun x gender-neutral!reader ft. (mentions of) soobin x reader

genre(s). angst, coming-of-age, (minor) fluff, highschool au.

warnings. alcohol consumption, partying, underage drinking. rated PG 15.

word count. 1.1k (1143)

taglist. @yeonyeonyeonjun​ if you’d like to be tagged in each part when i post them, feel free to send me an ask or dm me!!

listen to! cellophane, fka twigs ⭑ friends, NIKI ⭑ night go slow, catey shaw

notes. ah, here it is! the first part of heartbreak haven. it’s going to be a wild part, so no matter how frustrated you get know you’re going to get even more frustrated in the later parts. trust. LOL besides that, i hope y’all enjoy this & stay tuned for the next two parts!! <33

Choi Yeonjun had been an autumn breeze.

He, gathering up summer’s glee and joy, had welcomed you with open arms right on the first day of school. There hadn’t been a smile on his face—you don’t remember there ever being one—but there’d been comfort in the way his eyes had shined. You hadn’t questioned his apathetic face or the deep sense of sorrow you had sensed from within him. Instead, you’d let his warm air wrap you up and hoped that his embrace would last.

Your relationship had never felt fleeting (though, you now realise, it was).

The long walks you two would take home from school, talking about anything and everything, weren’t fleeting. Study sessions held in local cafés, which consisted of more laughter and dry jokes—from Yeonjun; everything about him had been so dry and sombre—were anything, but fleeting. Even the brief smiles you’d send him in between classes, though short, felt longer than the classes you were heading into.

For the entirety of your relationship, everything had been fine. Sure, you two weren’t the most spontaneous of friends—loud and bright wherever you went—and you weren’t the type that could communicate with a single glance, but you had each other and that was all you needed.

So, why hadn’t things worked out?

That was the only thought that’d been plaguing you, since the moment you walked into the party and spotted Yeonjun smiling with some people surrounding him.

You thought you were over it. It was November now. The autumn breeze had left and the cold was trickling in, so it’d make sense for you to move on with it. But, his smile—so wide and so toothy (you’d never thought he would have a toothy smile)—dredged up unresolved feelings within you. And you couldn’t help but wonder, when did things start to go wrong?

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anyways in other news school’s out so my semi-hiatus is off and jay biker fic teaser coming tmrw 😆

soob says happy 50 (+ 3) followers to user soobisms!!

last week of school before spring break let’s gooo!!!