God I Hate Having MADD So Much. I Can't Grieve People Normally Bc My Mind Just Keeps Giving Me Stupid

God i hate having MADD so much. I can't grieve people normally bc my mind just keeps giving me stupid daydreams abt me travelling back in time and saving them or them surviving or some stupid shit like that. I just want to grieve normally without having the wound constantly re-opened by my mind but i can't even fucking have that

I want to punch a wall until my fists bleed and crack. I want to destroy everything and rip myself to fucking shreds.

i made this a long time ago and for some reason never posted it

immersive daydreaming VS. maladaptive daydreaming

edit: added image description courtesy of @arolovecoric​ (tysm!!)

ID: a Venn diagram of Immersive Daydreaming and Maladaptive Daydreaming.

Immersive Daydreaming:

healthy coping mechanism

is able to control time spent daydreaming, and when they daydream (can stop whenever they choose to)

daydreaming does not interfere with personal, social, academic, or occupational success

prefers or prioritizes real life over daydreaming

daydreaming has an overall positive impact on daify life and mental health

Overlap:

often daydreams when bored or distressed

intense sense of visual and/or auditory absorption and immersion while daydreaming

intricate daydream world(s)

strong attachment to daydream characters or “paras”

daydreams often affected by real world events

daydreaming accompanied by repetitive movement (pacing, rocking, tapping, etc.)

daydreaming triggered or enhanced by music

daydreaming accompanied by vocal noises and/or facial expressions

daydreamer often finds comfort in their daydreams

often daydreams about an idealized self/life

Maladaptive Daydreaming:

unhealthy coping mechanism

daydreaming becomes an addiction

trouble controlling time spent daydreaming, and when they daydream

distressed when unable to daydream, or when daydreaming is interrupted

daydreaming interferes with personal, social, academic, and/or occupational success

trouble focusing on completing daily tasks and chores

becomes neglectful of own basic needs (eating, hygiene, sleep, etc.) due to daydreaming

numerous failed attempts to control, cut back, or stop daydreaming

emotions and mood heavily affected by daydreams

deep dissatisfaction with real life due to its inability to live up to daydreams

feels shame/embarrassment about their daydreaming

may experience intrusive daydreams (violent, sexual, or otherwise disturbing daydreams)

mental health negatively affected by daydreaming

End ID

complicated relationships with your parents are like. you cut up fruit and bring it to my room without me asking. i can't remember the last time you told me that you were proud of me. you told me i wasn't good enough for you but i'm not even good enough for myself. your hugs feel like coming home. i can't tell you anything that happens in my life. i doubt myself every day because of something you said to me when i was eight. would you like to hear about my day? please don't ask me about my day. i miss you even though you're in the next room. i wish we didn't live together. i've never loved or resented anyone as much as i've loved and resented you. are you okay? are we okay? are we ever going to be okay?

When the music triggers a fun daydream