It Sucks To Be Finnish, Bc Like. Ppl Keep Praising Finland For How Good Our School System And (mental)

It sucks to be finnish, bc like. ppl keep praising finland for how good our school system and (mental) health care are, so good and amazing. and i'm just sitting here like. ah yes the school system that gave me 9 years of trauma, gave me anxiety and depression, worsened all my other problems, and almost drove me to suicide? the school system that had me experiencing DAILY panic attacks? yeah so amazing, so good, finland is just so amazing, sure sure sure.

and don't even get me started on the mental health care i've gotten. spoilers; flashbacks, nightmares, and panic attacks so severe i may as well have PTSD.

autism is so funny. like my partner will ask me hey, do you wanna play animal crossing? not anymore. bitch. fuck you. i don't know why i'm being so mean. i'm so sorry. i'm gonna cry now.

I think the most interesting thing about using Persistent Drive for Autonomy as an alternate name for pathological demand avoidance is that it highlights the irony -- having a PDA profile ends up restricting one's autonomy more often than not

here's a flowchart. a kitchen task needs doing -> demand avoidance triggered -> kitchen task doesn't get done -> kitchen is dirty and therefore triggering in its own right -> am multiply dysregulated now and am avoiding kitchen -> cannot make foods I like because dirty kitchen that I now really can't do anything about because of all the dysregulation. the main thing taking a hit here IS my autonomy. I feel powerless and trapped in a negative feedback loop, and I am deprived of experiences I would like to have (making a nice meal).

and like, that's a comparatively reasonable response. but fucking explain this shit: I love playing this video game SO MUCH -> oh god. that's too many feels. feels almost... demanding. -> freeze/inertia -> I do not play the video game that I love playing so much. what the fuck, man. why.

I think a persistent drive for autonomy is a factor in PDA (I definitely feel that specific drive when it comes to social rules, for example, but I also think that's just an autism thing in general, so...??), but I don't think it's the whole of the thing. the main feature of PDA is an easily-triggered anxious response, and anxiety is yet another brutal taskmaster that narrows and darkens our lives and makes it difficult to do what we truly wish to do

i'm just rotting in my room all day , and I’m getting tired of it, but it’s also so damn good not talking to humans…

Fantasizing about extremely traumatic scenarios bc it doesn't feel like my trauma is enough