Gatdam

Gatdam

“Congratulations, you have won a single wish.” The Angel said dejectedly placing his hand of cards on the table. “No catches, no funny buisness. What ever you wish I will make true and I will make the wish beneficial to you”.Your plan had worked “I wish there was no afterlife”.

For the sake of skincare I understand have a good day your honour

sorry. ground your boyfriend into a paste and applied him liberally under my eyes before i went to bed and now im fresh faced and glowing

Art by Leksø Tiger

You have a completely useless superpower in a world full of amazing superpowers. You have been a laughing-stock for years, until you started using your powers for evil… nobody is laughing now.

Here, a cheater course on caring for natural fibers!

1. Wool. Treat it like it has the delicate constitution of a Victorian lady and the conviction that baths are evil of a 17th century noble. (If I get in WATER my PORES will OPEN and I will CATCH ILL AND DIE.)

2. Cotton; easygoing. Will shrink a bit if washed and dried hot.

3. Silk; people think it’s like wool and has the constitution of a fashionably dying of consumption Victorian lady, but actually it’s quite tough. Can be washed in an ordinary washer, and either tumbled dry without heat or hung to dry.

4. Linen; it doesn’t give a shit. Beat the hell out of it. Historically was laundered by dousing it in lye and beating the shit out of it with wooden paddles, which only makes it look better. The masochist of the natural fiber world. Beat the fuck out of it linen doesn’t care. Considerably stronger than cotton. Linen sheet sets can last literal decades in more or less pristine shape because of that strength.The most likely natural fiber to own a ball gag.

There was a knock at the door.

"COMING." You hollered from inside the bathroom of your shabby little apartment. You pulled up your boxers, grimacing at the bandage that covered the lash you'd recieved the other day before splashing some water on your hands. You forgot to flush the toilet - something you'd come to realize later as you scrambled over to unlock the 7 locks on the door.

There, stood a man, at least you thought he was a man, hunched over and peering into the door frame with a small foiled box in his hands. You squeaked, freezing for a moment before recovering quickly with your super hero reflexes.

"...Is this home of..." He peered at a little note the size of a tic tac box in his huge hands. "...Super.....ali...docious...expi..alidoshush?..." He mumbled through a thick scarf. His accent was thick and foreign, said slowly with a rumble that reminded you of a mountain.

"N-nope! Haha! Don't know who that is! N-never heard of 'em! Sorry bud! See ya!" You chuckled, tripping over your words. You swear you could see the evil aura waves squiggling about him, warning you away.

You start to slam the door but the man slams it back open with a huge. PAW?? OH MY GOD IT'S A PAW. Your internal voice screams - theres only one person or rather creature on earth with a paw that big.

"HOWLER?!?" you nearly shriek but the glare of his yellow eyes stop your voice from going too high. He clears his throat, clearly embarrassed.

"wife wanted me to bring bread to super..." He hesitates, peering at his note again. "...hero." he finishes, defeated.

"T-thank y-you?" You stutter back.

"you save wife yesterday. I thank you"

You start to remember, the anonymous call for help no hero seemed to answer, the syndicate kidnapping, and the lash on your leg as you pulled a sweet middle aged lady to safety. You wince and cover it with a polite smile, understanding now that you'd just saved the wife of just the city's BIGGEST SUPERVILLAIN.

"Ahaha! N-no problem man! Anyone would've done it, I just happened to get the call!"

Howler stares down at you. You can't tell if his eyebrows are furrowed or if he just looks like that but he seemed doubtful.

"no. You saved wife. I thank you" he insisted and dropped the aluminum foil box into your hands. It was heavy, though still warm, as if it hadn't come out of the oven too long ago. It smelled good. Like garlic and thyme and you remembered you hadn't eaten breakfast yet.

"uh...wanna come in?" You motion to your small dining room, as if it could fit a 7 foot tall wolf man and you inside.

"No. You make butt dirt. Smell like shit. I leave now." He mumbled again, tipping his cap to you and dissapears back towards the elevator around the corner.

Right. You hadn't flushed the toilet.

You are a rookie hero. While a dangerous supervillain was preoccupied, rival villains kidnapped his wife. You were the only hero willing to help get his wife to safety. The terrifying supervillain now wants to thank you in person.