If Only That Was Me.

if only that was me.

the beautiful sound of your laugh seems to echo in their ears. it’s almost taunting. taunting in the way that you’re always close to them but not in the way they hope. you’re with someone else - someone who makes you far happier and the one that you love so dearly. they would never amount to that.

so they attempt to banish these unwelcome feelings, but they just return even stronger. when you ask them why they look so lugubrious around you, they dismiss it as just being a little bit of fatigue. you - skeptically - leave the matter alone, respecting their wishes to not talk about it. if only you knew.

lingering glances, fleeting touches. those are the only things that happen. and they should be satisfied, no? selfish envy remains in their mind (much to their dismay) and they can’t help but glare at the one who has unwittingly taken their chance.

if only that had been them.

abyss!lumine, abyss!aether, kaeya alberich, diluc raginvindr, kujou sara, kamisato ayaka, thoma, kaveh, xiao

Shoutout to all my fellow selfshippers who were never chosen.

Shoutout to the people who were never explicitly invited, but who were told "of course you can come too". To the people whose presence was tolerated, but nobody ever seemed excited to see them. To the people who got talked over. Even when nobody noticed you leaving, you're worthy of love.

Shoutout to the "can I have your hot friend's number?" people, who only were present to make their good looking friend look even more appealing. Shoutout to the third wheels and wingmans. To the people who got the "kiss them! - ewww" treatment at Truth or Dare. To the people who got asked out as a joke.

Shoutout to the selfshippers who help with relationship issues despite craving a relationship themselves. Shoutout to the forever singles who have "resorted" to selfshipping because you convinced yourself that nobody would want you in real life. Shoutout to the insecure, jealous people with abandonment issues because you can't imagine anyone choosing you.

Your F/O chooses you. And they will continue to choose you.

They don't need a reason why. They love you. They love you for who you are, and they always will.

have you seen the commentary from the p5r artbook going around? the shuake part of my dash is losing it a bit at the implication that their wishes were mutual!!! that seems to be what some people are getting from the commentary at least… amy insights?

Hi! I have been through the artbook. It's great, isn't it? :D

The image above is called "One Ending", and the creator caption (by illustrator Akane Kabayashi) reads:

When I think about how Akechi's wish was to play chess after school with the protagonist, I almost want to call him out with "You liked him after all, didn't you!"

Look at that. We're told about Akechi's wish, and what it included. We're as good as told outright that he likes Joker—and this isn't the only time, there's also this:

—There are a whole lot of things we can imagine, based on how the protagonist was depicted as someone special to Akechi. Those are more or less the exact emotions represented during Akechi's confidant. (Mumon Usuda, chief designer)

"someone special" here is 特別な存在 tokubetsuna sonzai—literally "a special presence". It means a special person, and more than that; it describes someone you find compelling, someone you can't look away from, someone who becomes one of your most important people, the centre of your world. It's another term that is often romantic, but isn't necessarily romantic.

(In the same way, I think Kabayashi's suki jan! is more tongue-in-cheek than it is a cast-iron confirmation that Akechi was canonly in love with Joker. The language there is teasing, it's ambiguous, it's baity; Kabayashi is joking. This is a rank 6—as they say, if you know, you know. But it is of course ultimately up to all of you.)

There's another mention of this image, down in the creator interview:

Out of all the Maruki ending illustrations, it was Akechi's that stuck with me the most. It made such an impression to see them opening up as friends, having a fun, peaceful time together like high school students should. (Mumon Usuda, chief designer)

What really strikes me in all of this is the emphasis the creators put on the fact that this is Akechi's illustration, Akechi's wish. Because I've thought for a while that we know Akechi has a wish. You can see him struggling with his refusals to Maruki in the first week of January. And you can hear his wish spoken—when Maruki repeats it back to him, during the boss fight, on 2/3:

Maruki {F1 81}君たちとなら、君も過ちのない道を歩めるかも知れないじゃないか！ {F1 81}-kun-tachi to nara, kimi mo ayamachi no nai michi o ayumeru kamoshirenai ja nai ka! If you're with {F1 81}―kun and his friends, you could begin to atone for what you've done! Think about it! With [Amamiya]-kun and his friends beside you, you could choose a path with no mistakes as well!

So this wish has several parts. First, there's that kimi mo, "you also"; it's tempting to read this as Maruki also wanting his new world to erase his past mistakes. Second, there's the first part, "if you're with [Amamiya]-kun and his friends". Where to even start here?

Being with Joker and the others is a prerequisite for the second half of Akechi's wish. It doesn't just coexist, it enables the rest of it. Just like his words in the engine room, "I wonder why we couldn't have met a few years earlier, [Ren]..."

Remember, Akechi's whole arc is about his rejection of trust and friendship, and his insistence on doing everything himself. This is precisely what Futaba calls him out on—"you trusted no one", or "you played life in single-player mode". This is what he unlearns at the climax of the engine room, when he realises he isn't prepared to let the others die—and follows through to save them.

Akechi is nothing without others, and he knows it. Without their support, which he believes he has no right to, he has no hope of living a better life, even were he to be given the chance—and he knows that, too. He has learned, and he has grown—and yet he knows the things he needs and wants so badly are forever inaccessible.

And his wish is about all the Phantom Thieves, not just Joker. There are many tiny references to this end—not least the original Japanese rank 10 line for his confidant, where he sacrifices himself for all of you. Joker is his compelling presence, his someone special, but he's formed small bonds with the others too, God help him.

and then there's the crime thing

The localisation frames Akechi's wish in terms of atonement, but that's not what's on offer. You cannot, after all, atone for things you never did. We see Akechi's wish put into practice, in the Maruki ending, where he appears with his friends beside him, wholly innocent and with unstained hands. And we see it in the first week of January, after he has finally met Maruki and spoken to him:

Akechi: Ah, that reminds me—there was one more thing I wanted to tell you. Akechi: About the reality Maruki's put us in... Akechi: It seems that Okumura and Wakaba are both considered alive by all accounts. [Ren: They're not dead anymore? / What do you mean?] Akechi: They aren't mere illusions, or cognitive beings—they truly are alive and existing in this world. Akechi: In fact, their deaths seem to have never taken place at all in this reality. [Ren: What happened to Shido?] Akechi: Shido was the only one arrested on the crime of attempting to overthrow the government... Akechi: It seems the Phantom Thieves were causing a stir in this society as well, but there's no record of your arrest now. Akechi: Basically, in this reality, you and I haven't committed any crimes.

While Akechi still remembers his crimes, they never took place. They have been undone, and only his lingering memory—and Joker's, at this point—speaks to them. He objects to this on countless levels, he summons all the strength he has to refuse it, but don't make the mistake of thinking that means he doesn't want it. This is Akechi's wish in action.

People are often very certain that Akechi's resolve in the third semester is like iron—that he rejects Maruki's offers right away, is never tempted, never wavers. But that can't be true. We know he's afraid to die. We know about the bad end where you don't complete the Palace, where Akechi says nothing and stares at the floor, seemingly blaming himself internally while all the others blame themselves aloud, for being unable to say no to Maruki's temptations. We know how he responds to this assertion of Maruki's—Maruki, who has perfectly summed up what we know all the other PTs wanted, and who (even if Word of God hadn't just confirmed Akechi's wish) we have, honestly, no reason to doubt.

Because Akechi never refutes this wish that Maruki describes. He never says he doesn't want it. He just rejects it—like all the others, who so desperately want what Maruki could give them. Futaba's mother, Haru's father. Akechi's life, and his innocence. And the people who might have been his friends, if he could dare, one day, to ask.

Akechi is tested just like the others, and the price he pays for his defiance is perhaps the highest of all.

and finally

[The Maruki ending illustrations are] of Maruki's world, where everyone's wishes are granted and they seem happy. The scene shows their actualised wishes, which were never granted in the real world. (Mumon Usuda, chief designer)

We shouldn't forget the price Akechi pays for his impossible wish. Sure, the vision of himself being altered like Sumire clearly haunts him, and I'm sure it made the choice easier—but I don't think it made it that easy. Instead of taking the dream Maruki offered him, Akechi chose to face up to what he'd done, and who he'd become; at the very end, in the third semester and in the engine room, he always makes the right choice.

And that choice was taken away from him. Agency over his life and death, his own acts, and who he would even be—Joker and Maruki take it all away from him and make him a puppet, just like Shido.

Maruki's ending isn't pretty.

revision history

Click here for the latest version.

v1.0 (2024/03/29)—first published.

This image is Akechi's wish, too. I am emotionally devastated but also extremely pleased because this basically is an official, word of god statement to finally put to rest whether or not he actually hates Joker. Source is the P5R artbook. Image from here.

₊˚ʚ ᗢ₊˚✧ ﾟ.Why Your Fave Loves That You're Tall ₊˚ʚ ᗢ₊˚✧ ﾟ.

this is for fem! readers who are constantly reading stuff that envisions them as being "small" "towered over" "tiny" "frail" etc etc. it's an isolating experience and can make you feel bad but i promise there's something lovely about being a tall lady 🩷 for the sake of this post im just envisioning characters who are 6' and above

🍓 Your F/O loves that he only needs to turn his head to give you a kiss. Whether it's your forehead, cheek, or lips that are perfectly aligned to receive his kiss, it brings him joy.

🍓 He adores when you both dress up for an outing or event, and you look show stopping. If you're wearing heels, he doesn't mind if you match his height or even exceed it, he thinks you look like a goddess. There's nothing that makes his heart flutter more than realizing just how regal you look amongst everyone around you.

🍓If he notices you feel out of place or self conscious about how much space you feel you take up, he's quick to reassure you. He'll place a hand on the small of your back, guide you through the crowd and no one can doubt how proud he is to be with you.

🍓He likes when the two of you hold each other, it feels like two pieces of a puzzle perfectly matched. It's the easiest and most comfortable thing in the world to fall into each others embrace.

🍓Similar to kisses, leaning his forehead on yours and looking into your eyes feels easy. You only need to walk up to each other, maybe a little leaning but then you make contact and you both feel comforted and safe.

🍓Dancing feels extraordinary. If it's a waltz or slowdance, keeping pace and maintaining eye contact is easy, and to all onlookers it looks magical and refined, like two swans.

🍓Even though you stand tall, he can make you feel so delicate and precious, taking your chin in his finger and thumb, touching you so gently and with such care, reminding you that above all things you are his sweetheart and absolutely perfect as you are.

It is actually so sad to me that Akechi tried to hang out with some other high schoolers and literally DIED FOR IT

Like "Delicious Pancakes" gets laughed at a lot as a weird plot contrivance, but the scene itself is so sad from Akechi's perspective.

He has had no friends for his entire life and had to climb from the bottom of society to the top. But before the suspicion and betrayal and everything, he overheard some people his age discussing plans and finally tried to reach out and make genuine friends and connections, and it led to his downfall.

The worst part is that if he could look back on the moment, he would only see it as a moment of weakness due to how he had lived. His desperation and longing for interaction beyond interviews and popularity would only be seen as a flaw. He deserved so much better from the start.