I Know I've Been Avoiding Looking At The Dates,

I know I've been avoiding looking at the dates,

Throughout the windows,

At the sky,

But the sun shone so hard this morning that it was impossible to not remember the time. It was here. Years ago at this time, i lost everything.

I'm still truly convinced that you are some bright star above this little head of mine.

Maybe i know the worst has happened. But maybe this means that all has already happened too.

I found out about this star days ago, it was selfish to not post it sooner, but i wanted to admire you for a little while longer.

I guess I'll start to turn off the lights.

I've heard sometimes It's okay to turn off the light in summer.

The brightness of the sun warms and illuminates enough for now.

It's not enough for me. (Never will be.)

Was it ever even enough?

Was i ever even enough?

I hope the warmth of the sun burns shines enough for both of us.

And in the night

i slowly become what mostly you love,

secretly;

we don't want anyone to know,

silently;

This is just ours,

Delicately;

dedicatedly;

anxiously;

perfectly.

After all,

a swan does not scream during it's transformation,

it speaks with no words, no rules,

it changes into something beautiful.

I have dedicated this to you without words, you know, here:

Della,

Still waiting for you.

" ⁱ ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ᵏⁿᵒʷ ʰᵒʷ ᵗᵒ ᶜᵒⁿᵗⁱⁿᵘᵉ ˢᵃᵗⁱˢᶠʸⁱⁿᵍ ᵃ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿ. ⁱ ᵗʳᵘˡʸ ᵇᵉˡⁱᵉᵛᵉ ᵗʰⁱˢ ⁱˢ ˢᵒᵐᵉᵗʰⁱⁿᵍ ᵇᵃᵈ. ᵇᵘᵗ ⁱ ᶜᵃⁿ'ᵗ ˢᵗᵒᵖ ᵈᵒⁱⁿᵍ ⁱᵗ. ᵒʳ ᵐᵃʸᵇᵉ ⁱ ʲᵘˢᵗ ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ʷᵃⁿᵗ ᵗᵒ."

Della.

I know I like to dance because it has never been so difficult for me. Being difficult makes me a good ballerina.

I was a good ballerina.

Yes, I was good at what I did, nothing more than it was never noticed because I had to be good at everything I did, so just that I enjoyed it was overshadowed by pure perfection, perfection that only stayed in my house and outside, outside into a hole, from inside to outside there was never anything more than smiles agreeing to everything, nothing was ever expected from me but promises of a future like the best, after me there was never anything better. Nothing better than her.

Nothing was ever good. It is impossible to maintain perfection.

She at least told me that. She liked things to be disastrous in perfect harmony. One that only I was able to see. And I knew that only I was capable of seeing it because I never felt forced to do so. It was just there. And his presence made me feel more and more alive. I rose up higher than a grand jeté, I rose into the air with thousands of twists and counter-turns that made me vomit pink, blue, yellow, green and red butterflies, I became dizzy in the most tender and innocent way I have ever set foot in this world. Nothing was ever the same in this hole universe. She held me in a way that even she wasn't aware of how much it hurt me every time she let me fall. Not even an injury hurt that much. But they always told me that if there is no blood, the pain is not important. Furthermore, I didn't feel any pain when I jumped again. Everything turns pink when I see you again. Everything turns into summer.

Then I remember why I don't like the summer heat. A strawberry popsicle lasts until the rays hit it and fracture is inevitable. The fall and the sticky drips of summer with the tears it brings become inevitable and present in all the body that still remains on this earth.

Because That's it. A dancer is firm and does not take her feet off the ground, not forever. Always with head held high. Always firm. Always alone about something. And me, I was a good ballerina.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I don't know why I feel like crying if you're not with me. My birthday was never important, that rules out the fact that I want a party, am I asking too much when I want a hug of yours?

This sounds so human that it makes my chest clench. This is what she would have wanted. For the first time I'm going to jump out alone and say that I prefer to say that; I was just a good dancer.

Della.

Hopefully tomorrow you will still be in my mind and forever and ever I will remember you. This ballet dancer will love you.

Me too🌺