What About Farmer Being Pregnant And Instead Of Like An Announcement Dinner Or Something Seb Goes To

what about farmer being pregnant and instead of like an announcement dinner or something seb goes to robin and orders a nursery to suprise her? :)

Y'all making me get baby feels but like... I'm not even mad

Amelia had known for three days and two hours that she was pregnant. She stressed for every second of that time and she was sure that Sebastian was starting to get worried. He had brought up the idea of going to see Harvey and making sure she wasn't sick. She couldn't keep trying to handle this on her own. 

He was her husband and he spent so much time going out of his way to prove how much he loved her. 

But does he even want a child? Whenever a joke was made, he was quick to make jokes like ‘oh, I sure as hell hope not’ or ‘you’d better knock on wood’ if someone joked and said that maybe she was pregnant. Regardless, she panicked. She knew he wouldn't leave her because of it; he wasn't that kind of guy. But if he got too stressed out or they fought more… She couldn't forgive herself. 

It was somewhere around 5:45 am when she rolled over to wrap her arm around him, only for the bed to be empty. She sat up, shifting to stand before grabbing his t-shirt from the dresser and walking out to find him. 

He had always loved when she wore only his shirt. 

When she stepped out, she saw him, his back to her as he brewed coffee. This was certainly one thing she'd miss with a kid around, sneaking looks at her husband's body when he walked around in his underwear. 

She walked up behind him before slipping her arms around his waist and resting her head on his back. 

He jumped, nearly dropping the mug of coffee before he settled, putting the cup on the counter with a small, tired smile. 

“Hey, handsome,” she hummed, pressing a kiss between his shoulder blades, prompting him to shift, turning to face her for a gentle morning kiss before she continued, “couldn't sleep again?”

He tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear, though it was no use, her hair wild from sleep. 

“Yeah, figured I’d get up and make us some coffee.” She stood on her toes to steal another kiss, finding that she was oddly hungry for him instead of needing coffee. She behaved though, knowing he was definitely not a morning person. 

She slipped from his arms and turned to go fill Loaf’s bowl for when he crawled out of his own bed. As she stepped away, Sebastian smirked, arching an eyebrow and letting out a low whistle.

“You’re pretty cruel, you know,” he took a small drink of his coffee, his eyes never leaving hers, “putting on my favorite shirt and coming out here like I wouldn't notice.”

Her smirk mirrored his as she chuckled, “I have no idea what you're talking about,” she hummed, stretching her arms above her head so the shirt rode up, revealing her naked ass. 

This might actually be a pretty good morning. 

She heard him taking long strides over to her, coffee forgotten on the counter. When he reached her, his hands found her hips, pulling her back against him to feel just how cruel she was being. He bent and pressed a kiss to the soft below her ear, her breath hitching as he nipped at her ear lobe, whispering in a gravelly voice, “go ahead and feed Loaf. I've got some rainy day plans for us.” 

She nodded, lower lip drawn between her teeth as sparks flew through her whole being, pooling in her lower belly. 

Where there was a baby. 

She shook the thought away as Sebastian walked back to his coffee, readjusting himself as he watched her. The smirk she loved so much stayed fixed on her body, which she made sure to show off as well as she could, bending at the waist to open the container, giving him a view that would help make this morning very interesting. 

Her plans screeched to a halt as she actually opened the container, the smell of dog food wafting up into her face. Suddenly, she knew she was going to puke any second. 

She looked over at Sebastian in a brief panic before running to the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before the contents of her stomach emptied. He must have run behind her, his whole body tense as he tied her hair back and rubbed her back gently. 

“We need to go see Harvey today. This is the third time you've puked without any warning and it's really not okay, Ames. I'm getting worried,” he rambled, trying and failing to mask his panic. 

Her eyes started to well up with tears as she wiped her mouth, flushing before pulling her knees to her chest, “I'm fine, Seb. Really.” 

She sounded hardly convincing as she choked on a sob.

There was no way she couldn't not tell him now. And a million ‘what if’s plagued her mind as he sat in front of her, any facade of calm faded. 

“Ames, look at you. You're not fine. I need to call Harvey, I'm sorry,” he shifted, standing and turning toward the door. 

“Seb, wait,” she managed, wiping her tears before standing and walking to him, grasping his hands with all of her might, “it's… I just…” she looked up at him, rivers of tears falling, “I'm scared you'll… Be mad or… Freak out…”

His eyes moved quickly, scanning every inch of her face. His voice was soft when he responded, cupping her face in his hands to wipe her tears away, “love, you know I love you more than anything in this world,” he gave a small smile, teasing her just a little, “even sashimi. And that's a lot of love,” she laughed through her tears, leaning into his hand, “Ames, you can tell me anything.”

He really didn't know. Had no suspicion. 

She searched his face for a moment before closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, “I'm nine and a half weeks pregnant,” she breathed, her voice hardly audible. 

He stood there frozen for a moment, her face cupped in his hands, the only change being his intake of breath and eyes widening. After a moment, just when she was about to panic, his expression formed into a small smile. The fear wasn't gone, but there was actual excitement in his eyes. Her heart soared as he pressed a loving kiss to her head. He rests his forehead on hers, letting out a breathy laugh. 

“That's what it is… We're having a baby…”

Her tears spilled over freshly before she wrapped him in a hug, releasing every ounce of relief she held. He was genuinely excited, which made her realize… So was she. 

Sebastian picked up a lot of the work around the farm, much to Amelia’s frustration. The second she started to show, he shifted into overdrive, making sure she was as relaxed and happy as possible. They had just finished dinner and he sit on the couch with her head in his lap. With one hand, he toyed with her hair while the other one rested on the small bump forming in her belly. He often touched her belly, having fallen in love with the baby the second he saw the little bean on the sonogram. When he heard the heartbeat? He was already wrapped around the baby's tiny finger. 

She looked up at him, his gaze turning to hers as they sit there. 

“Seb, we have to tell people. They're gonna know I'm not just gaining weight. Especially when you go to get me some more olives and ice cream.”

He chuckled, considering for a moment. 

“I want to tell my mom and Sam before anyone else.”

She hummed in agreement before laughing and pointing to the area behind them, “good because we need her to build the nursery before we lose track of time.”

He nodded for a moment before a devious grin spread over his face. 

“No problem. I have an idea.”

── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──

They walked together up the mountain path, hand in hand as they buzzed with excitement. Seb had brought some ‘sketches and ideas’ with him to show his mom, which she'd politely take into consideration. But as she leafed through, the latest sonogram should be there, a small note along the top stating simply ʼHi Grandma!ʼ

Thankfully, it was cool enough for Amelia to wear layers and effectively hide the growing bump. 

They stepped inside, Robin smiling brightly as she saw the two. She came around the counter, greeting them both with hugs. 

“Hey! I feel like I haven't seen you both in so long!” she teased, gesturing to the papers Sebastian held, “what brings you guys in today? A barn or second coop, or–”

“We actually wanted to upgrade the house a bit” he interjected, met with a surprised look, though not suspicious.  He held out the manilla folder, carefully handing it over. Sebastian slipped his hand into Amelia's before nodding a silent hello to Maru, who was in the lab. He continued, “we have some pretty basic ideas, though we know we can trust you regardless.”

She beamed and started leafing through the pages, commenting on each idea until she stopped mid-sentence, the small image now facing her. 

Sebastian squeezed her hand, hiding his nerves as she touched it with a shaky hand before looking between her son and daughter-in-law. Her eyes were glistening as she pointed at Amelia as if perhaps it was a friend’s or a random photo. Sebastian, without hesitation, shook his head no before pointing to himself, obviously trying to make her laugh. Make her do anything. 

“Oh Yoba, you're not joking? I swear, Sebastian Ainsley if you're pranking me…” 

He held up his hands in surrender, laughing aloud as she wiped tears from her face, “that would just be mean, grandma.”

He joked, though it only made her run around the counter and throw her arms around them, laughing and firing questions off faster than they could answer. 

Amelia unzipped her jacket and moved Robin’s hand to the small bump, making the woman stop in her tracks, a fresh set of tears falling as she spoke, her voice quiet through her tears, “my Sebby is going to be a father…”

Amelia beamed as Robin wrapped her son in a tight hug, Sebastian throwing Amelia a look. He was happier than he'd been since the wedding day. 

Maru heard Robin and came over quickly, Demetrius behind her, concern plain across his expression as Maru spoke, “what's wrong? Is everything okay-” she caught sight of the sonogram and then the bump before she shouted in surprise, “you guys are having a baby?!”

Sebastian laughed and shifted as Maru rambled excitedly about being an aunt and all of the cool ideas she had for things she could build already. 

Sebastian shared a look with Demetrius, who, to Sebastian’s shock, offered a kind smile and nod before turning to try and reel Maru back in. Robin wiped at her eyes before tapping the sketches on the table, “you need a nursery then?” 

Sebastian gave a nod, “we have all of the necessary materials and money at the house, we just wanted–”

“We'll pay for the addition to the house,” Demetrius called over, surprising everyone there. He laughed and put his arm around Maru, who had hugged him from his side, “as grandparents, it's our job to spoil this child,” he looked pointedly at Sebastian, “and I want to show you that we're here as resources and family. Congratulations, you two.” Sebastian stood and stared for a moment in shock before noting Amelia was zipping her coat back up, a telltale sign she was ready to go home.  “Thank you so much, all of you,” he started, already feeling a million times lighter, “it means so much. Text us if you need anything or if you just want to gush about the baby,” he teases, watching as Robin furiously started sketching out designs. 

Needless to say, Sam lost his mind in excitement. 

The whole town will know by nightfall. There was no way Jodi didn't hear Sam yell it out. 

Honestly, it just made their job easier.

At my worst

Kakucho Hitto x F! Reader

Word counts: 2,5k + MINORS DNI (NSFW)

Warnings/tags: Reader is a foreigner, husband Kakucho, smut, unprotected sex, breeding kink, smut to fluff

Notes: Special thanks to @poppyandhervillains who made me now simping hard for husband Kakucho. I need this man in my life. Barely proof-read, we die like real men here.

The low rumbles of the conversations around the table. The tinkling sound of crystal glasses crashing into each other. The laughs of the women at the end of the long table you sat on. None of these noises were able to distract you from the deep conversation you were having with the four men around you.

You are seating next to your husband. A heavy radiant shape diamond on your left finger is leaving no doubt on the expensive gifts you, and your man, can afford to buy for the other.

On your left Rindou Haitani listens to your explanation on how they could double the profits of Bonten. Ran, in front of him, is pouring himself a glass of the finest Chateau Margaux you chose earlier when ordering the wine. The men always trusted your taste for wine. They say it’s easier for foreign palates to taste the difference, and so far they were never disappointed with your advice. Both in wine and business. He takes a look at Mikey in the head seat of the table. The man looks bored but he approves your words while smiling at Kakucho on your right, and you feel him puts his hand on your thigh under the table.

To Kakucho you were the greatest thing that could ever happen to him. His attitude showed nothing but admiration and love for his precious wife. You are so perfect. Your h/c hair is attached in an elegant bun, a few strands of hair left free around your face. Your eyes, so pretty, that left him struck the first time you both met. And your lips… Delicious and plump lips, covered in that red lipstick he loves so much. How did you fall in love with him, he still wonders now, as if the rings around your fingers and the constant affection you shared with him weren't real.

How could he, with the scar covering his face and his blind eye, end up with an angel like you? Well… An angel? Maybe not really. The first time you two met you were in Mikey’s office, trading with him. Turns out the angel is in reality a pretty smart dealer. Oh no, you don’t do dirty, but when it comes to tax evasion, and turning the laws in your favor, you are world widely known.

You met a few more times until you two were left alone one evening. Mikey and the Haitani brothers were well aware of your mutual attraction. So maybe, they pushed a few buttons for you two, finally ending up together around a table, and in Kakucho’s bed the same night. Him holding you tight, and you, moaning his name like a prayer, kissing his face and his scar, tender words exchanged to the other.

You got married in less than a year, the danger rushing the relationship, but you were both so in love. So perfect for the other that it wasn’t even a surprise when you showed up at Bonten’s meeting last month with the custom 4 carat diamond on your hand, and Kakucho walking in the room with his hand on your lower back.

You both kept your relationship secret. Nobody has to know. None of you wanted to put your partner in more danger than you already had to face.

The dinner ended slowly and Mikey, Ran, and Rindou asked Kakucho for a private meeting. You knew what they were doing and talking about, but you just didn’t want to be a part of it. Kakucho looks at you and caresses your cheek “We’ll try not to make you wait for too long”. You smile back at him and reply “Don’t worry about me, I got my phone and that haiku book you bought me.” “Are you trying to read haiku?” “Well, it’s interesting to read to learn more about your language and what you like”, you joke.

With one last sign from Mikey’s head, the men leave the salon and head to the private office, leaving you with the women from the dinner earlier.

You have absolutely no idea about who they are. It’s the first time you see these six women, all wrapped in gaudy dresses and fake gold jewelry. Probably some hostesses, sent there by Bonten’s men to distract the higher-ups. As if the Haitani would look at them with their wives waiting for them at home, and you know Mikey has absolutely no interest in cheap women.

Their loud voices and laughs are coming your way as you try to focus on the verse of the haiku. They are so loud you are able to catch a few parts of their conversations.

“Haha isn’t it crazy that he had to take a foreign prostitute to that meeting?”

“Tell me about it, I heard from the boss that he was too ugly to get a woman, but to buy one from afar, the guy must be desperate!”

You raise your eyebrow. You were never into gossiping but to have a lingering ear could not hurt, especially if you catch something about a man causing problems within the gang.

“But fo’ real you seen his scar?” says a fake blond “man is disgusting with his white eye. I admire her, I would vomit if I had to kiss him”

“You saw that ring on her finger? Pffff haha how cheap is that? I found the same in Harajuku!”

It hits you suddenly! The vulgar women were not talking about some random person. They were making fun of you and your husband. Your blood is boiling, you’re not someone who loses their temper easily, but how dare these stupid bitches talk about Kakucho like that?

You’re about to rise from your seat when the door of the office opens again and the four men exit the room. Kakucho walks to your seat and leans down to kiss your forehead. You hear the women laugh again in the back, drawing the twins' eyes on them. You turn your eyes and avoid Kakucho’s gaze to take his hand. It makes him cock an eyebrow up and he turns to the women, finally understanding what's happening when one of the women pretends to gag when he took your hand in his.

Kakucho lets go of your hand and walks to the six hostesses who all jump in surprise. Your husband is way taller than them, and his natural authority gives him a presence that makes anyone shut their mouth when he gets close.

“Ladies,” he says “I saw that you had a nice evening, leaving the notes for us to pay. You were quite noisy at the table. Can I know where you work?”

“They’re from club Queens in Shibuya,” says Rindou in the back.

“Queen eh?...” the fake blond nods “Well, it seems that you, dumb bitches, offended all of us five a little too much tonight.” “You five?” gasps the one who pretended to gag “But Arashi told us you were only four!”

Ran laughs a little and Mikey cuts the woman “Hitto-san over there is our business associate. She’s our greatest dealer and it seems that you really bothered her with your noise earlier.”

Kakucho gives them a look before moving back to where you're staying. “See ladies… You can insult me all you want, but you shouldn’t insult my wife.”

You stand next to him, so elegant in your black dress, an arm over his own.

“I’ll make sure you all won’t be able to work again. Ever” says Mikey before the doors open and a few men grab the women to throw them outside.

You thank all of them with a nod of your head and you leave the room with Kakucho. Your husband guides you to his Bentley and opens the passenger's door for you.

You sit next to him and sigh as he turns on the engine and drives you home. None of you say anything during the ride home. You felt so sad about the whole incident. You knew very well that being a foreigner would mean being the target of gossip but Kakucho didn’t deserve that.

Kakucho on his hand keeps replaying the scene in his head: how you lowered your gazes when you heard the women talking about you both. The insults threw his way about his face. His scar. His blind eye. And it hits him that maybe he wasn’t worthy of you.

Kakucho parks the car to your Meguro house and you both enter the place, both of you still silent about the incident. He gently touches your back and you turn to him with a sad smile on your face. “I’ll go to the bathroom to get ready for bed.” you mumble

You climb the stairs and enter the bathroom, and you let the tears fall silently on your face. You didn’t notice that your husband is leaning on the door frame, watching you.

“Is it that terrible?” he asks and you quickly raise your face to look at his eyes in the mirror. “What… what are you talking about?” He walks and stands behind you. His gaze never leaving yours. “My face,” he says.

You want to turn to face him, but his arms are on the sink, imprisoning you in his embrace.

“How can you say that?” you wipe your tears “Kakucho how can you even think that I would think like them? Your face is beautiful, your scar is beautiful, your eyes are beautiful… It’s the proof that you are alive. That you’re here with me…” you grab his left hand and kiss the ring on his finger. “Kakucho… I love you… I love you so much that I wanted to kill these hoes for insulting us!”

He lightly chuckles and wraps his right hand around your middle and kisses your neck. Your breath hitches and you feel a sudden warmth going through your veins. Your husband has this effect on you.

“I love you Y/N” he kisses you again “Fuck… you are so perfect… so freaking perfect”. His left hand leaves yours to lay on your thigh, going through the slit of your dress, touching the skin underneath. The cold gold of the Patek Philippe around his wrist sends shivers to your spine, making you arch your back and hit his chest.

His right thumb brushes your lips, his eyes staring into yours as your part your lips to gently flick on his fingertip with your tongue.

You can feel his cock poking your ass. He is obsessed with the vision of you sucking on his thumb as you’d do for his cock. Kakucho finally removes his thumb for your lips, and leans closer, eyes closed. He starts kissing the back of your neck, biting on the tender skin of your shoulder. He keeps marking your delicate skin and you can hear him purrs in your ear “Mine… you’re fucking mine…” You moan his name softly, knowing you’ll have to go to the meeting tomorrow with his marks on your neck, bruises visible for everyone to see.

His hand spreads your legs and dives under the waistband of your beautiful lace thong, his digits rubbing soft circles on your clit.

Your breath accelerates as you grasp his wrist. You can hear him chuckles in your neck. You buck your hips on his already hard cock to let him know how much you want him and he pushes your lingerie down your legs.

“Spread for me baby”

He pulls back a little, to observe you, with your dress up on your hips, panting hard, your wet cunt dripping down your thighs.

“So fucking perfect for me.”

Your lewd expression and your clouded eyes are enough to send him high already, but Kakucho wants more.

You can hear the sound of his belt unbuckling as he opens his pants, his hand wearing his wedding rings never leaving your hip.

“Tell me baby… who does that pussy belongs to?” his lips ghost your ear and you feel him between your thighs, his cock taping on your clit to tease you. “You Kakucho… it’s you… I am yours...Uhm…”

“Should I make you round with my child for them to know that you’re mine?” His left hand touches your lower stomach lightly. “Kakucho” you murmur, your eyes searching for his in the mirror. “Is that what you want?” he asks. You blush and you nod your head. “Good girl” he breathes and he finally inserts himself in your tight cunt. Both hips collide as he thrusts inside you. You feel so full that you’re having a hard time breathing.

He delivers more kisses to your neck as he starts moving into your cunt, his pace increasing with each thrust. Your walls squeeze him and your lewd mewls make his thick length pulsates inside you.

His palm softly caresses to your hips and you inwardly arch your back even further, feeling his tip hitting your cervix with every move.

You whimper his name and you hear him whispers behind you, but you are already too dumb on his cock to reply even if you wanted to. “I love you so much… fuck y/n… Your pussy always takes me so well…So good for me”

His hips keep crashing against yours, with his tip hitting your favorite spots, leaving you breathless. Your hands are barely able to hold you over the sink.

He leans into you, fucking himself inside you over and over and you feel your walls tightening on your husband’s dick.

Kakucho is panting on your neck, the sound of your arousal and his balls slapping against you filling the room.

You feel yourself coming closer and closer, your walls holding him so tight, and with one more thrust of your husband, you are sent over the edge. You become a moaning mess as you cum on his dick.

“Kakucho…” you moan desperately “Fuck baby you milk me so good… I’m gonna cum inside you.. Fill you with my seed…. Gonna give you my baby...” The sight of you, drunk on his cock, and the ring of your cum around his cock makes him cum inside you with a loud growl, painting your walls wite.

Pulling out, his cum drips down on the marble floor of your bathroom, and Kakucho turns you around, bringing your arms around his neck to kiss you gently.

You kiss him back, and you can feel your legs tremble under you. Your husband notices it and pulls you in another loving embrace, your red cheek pressed against his -now- crumpled Tom Ford shirt. “I love you” he affirms as his hand gently holds your head against him.

You nod your head against his chest and mumble a soft “I love you too Kakucho… Don’t let anyone ever make you doubt that”

He puts you back on your feet and he helps you remove your designer dress.

“Let’s get you cleaned up before we go to bed” he smiles at you.

“Can we have a round two?” You innocently smile at him, and he grins at you. “As many as you want, baby.”

tag list : @missvanity, @sacredsong, @mitsery, @sukirichi cause thank you guys for your support <3

i dreamt a creechur, his name is boris

— Ran eyes the stairs that lead to his childhood home with hesitation. He glances at the rusted metal on the railing in remembrance — staring at the chipped paint on the walls next door. His initials are still carved into the wood below — his brother’s mirroring his own underneath. 

Ran hasn’t seen his mother in a long time. He hasn’t been back home for even longer. 

He's not sure he would even call this place home. 

He'd messed up terribly at the age of thirteen, and had spent a good amount of time in a correctional facility to make up for it. By the time he was out, he'd decided to leave the apartment he’d grown up in behind. He didn't give his mother much room to object — she didn’t have it in her to do so either. She'd grown weary of her words falling on deaf ears. She loved her boys, she really did. But there was only so much her heart could take — there was only so much destruction she'd allow them to partake in under her roof. She’d simply nodded when he told her he was leaving, not bothering to meet his gaze. But he remembers the fight she’d put up when Rindou had said he was coming too. He remembers the ache in his heart at being cast to the side. And he wonders if he would’ve stayed if she had begged him to. He wonders what it would be like for her to fight for him too. 

At fifteen, he’d dropped out of school. At twenty, he was an active member in a street gang. He never went to visit her — he never told her how he was doing either. Rindou left out as many details as he could when he did. For their sake and for her own, she never asked anyway. 

The two boys cleaned up their act as they got older. They'd started their own business — had grown extremely well known and successful in the industry too.

Still, he never called. Still, he rarely went to visit.

Yet here he was, standing at her doorstep, debating over whether or not he should knock ─ over whether or not it was wise to come speak to her. He had something to tell her; something really important. But a part of him didn’t want to see her look at him in disappointment — a part of him wanted to avoid her look of regret. It was that part of him that had decided to avoid her altogether. He despised that look — he hated how inferior and small it made him feel. Like he was fifteen all over again. Like he wasn’t edging thirty-five. Like he hasn’t long since been responsible for not only himself, but others too.

He had a difficult relationship with his mother. A push and pull he'd never been able to figure out. They were too much alike. He never felt like he was enough. 

She wasn't a cruel woman. She wasn't evil by any means. She'd been good to him — good to the both of them. She always has been. She always would be. 

But he's just like her — a part of her ribs, a part of her soul. He's just like her and it terrified her to her core. She’s just like him and it made him want to hate her even more. 

But a mother was a mother, and he was still her boy. A mother was a mother, and he had no choice. 

So he sighs, and he brings his knuckles up to the door. 

He hears her shuffle around before it opens and she blinks at him in surprise. She doesn’t smile but she reaches for him immediately and he bends to let her hug him. Her embrace lasts only for a moment. He doesn’t think he could stand it if it lasted any longer. Fragile arms hold his face, scolding him for looking so gaunt — criticizing him for smelling like smoke. 

He thinks he's home now, here with her words. He wonders if this was still home.

Whatever that meant at this point. Whatever that was supposed to mean. 

She ushers him inside and he's nervous all over again. He can't remember the last time he'd been this scared to face her. 

Maybe it was when Rindou had broken his arm and he had to be the one to tell her — when he was only seven and it was his fault. He should’ve looked after his brother better. He should’ve stopped him from his own stupidity. 

Or maybe it was when she'd stared at him behind the visiting glass at the juvenile prison — when she’d stared at the bruise on his face and the avoidance in his gaze and didn’t bother saying a single word to him. 

He furrows his brows at the flurry of thoughts. He doesn’t want to remember any of that at all.

She doesn't sit, so he follows her into the kitchen. He eyes the sliced meat and the cloves and the spices scattered across the counter. He takes a seat at the small dining table in his childhood home and she goes back to cooking. 

"What is it?" she asks him, breaking the silence. 

Her back is to him as she stirs the pot and he stares at her — at how small she is compared to him —at how small everything here was now that he was older and taller. 

"What makes you think it's anything?" he replies. 

She rolls her eyes, licking her teeth.

"Don't start with me, boy. You never visit without your brother."

He looks down at his knuckles. He eyes the emptiness in his hands.

"What's going on?" she says again. Her voice is still sharp but there’s a softness to it. Like she's prepared for the worst. Like she can handle it if he told her.

He sighs, leaning back in the wood chair. It creaks under his weight and he scratches at the worn out material of the table. It was old. Everything here was so old. She'd refused to let them move her out even after they'd had the means to. "Leave it alone,” she had said. “I'm fine with the way things are."

Ran had shrugged, dropping the subject after the first time they’d brought it up, but Rindou had kept insisting. 

He never got his way in the end.

"I've been seeing someone," he tells her. She pauses her stirring, but doesn't turn around.

He keeps going, rubbing the back of his neck as he tenses.

"For about a year. A little longer than that, I think."

She doesn’t say a word as she holds her breath, pretending to reach for the salt instead — as if she hasn’t used enough of it already — as if she needed anymore.

"She’s pregnant, Ma."

Her eyes are sharp and wide as she turns to look at him. He sees himself in her silent rage. He sees himself in the lavender of her fury. And he knows it's rage for your sake. He knows what she's thinking.

That poor girl. That poor, poor girl.

It's courtesy for you. It's concern and worry for a girl she hasn't even met yet.

Not for him. He doesn't think it's ever been for him. 

"Is she your woman?"

He dwells on the question for a moment, pondering between the literal and the figurative. He decides to go with the former. 

"She was.”

“Was?” 

“I messed up," he reveals.

"What did you do?" Her anger is silent ─ it's quiet and building.

"I said some shit I shouldn't have when I found out."

There it was. There it is.

That look of disappointment he'd wanted to avoid — that silence he hated drowning in. 

Your fault, the still air seemed to ring out. It’s all your fault.

"Is she keeping it?"

He glances at her when he replies.

"Yeah."

"Do you plan to be in their lives? Because if you don't, you leave that girl alone. You do your part financially, and you leave her alone. Do you understand me?"

The skin around her knuckles turns a ghastly white as her grip tightens against the ladle in her palm. 

She’s quick to speak — quick to assume. Quick to judge — quick to decide for him. She’s right, he knows that. She’s always been right. But he hates the lack of autonomy — he hates that he gets no say when it comes to her. He digs his nails into the skin of his palm and he wonders just how hard he'd have to press to dissipate his anger — just how much would it take to stop the pressure in his lungs.

But he thinks of you, and he decides against it. He thinks of you, and he decides to explain instead.

He tells her that you’d broken up with him after all that he’d said. He tells her that he'd apologized not even a week later. He would've apologized earlier but you had refused to see him. He’d wanted to say sorry immediately, but you wouldn't let him. 

He tells her what he’d told you — that he wanted to be with you, that he wanted to take care of you and the baby. And he tells her what you'd told him — that you'd quietly nodded, accepting his words, but that you wouldn't take him back. Not yet at least. Not so soon after that.

 "I need to have this child first," you had said at the time. "I need to know you won't leave when I do."

She leaves the ladle in the pot and moves to sit at the table in front of him, listening intently. It's the most she’s ever heard him say. It's the most he's ever directly said to her about his life. 

It's ironic and heartbreaking ─ the sad reality of a mother and son who know nothing of each other — the truth behind those who have made no attempts to forgive and to heal and to move on with one another.

She sits back.

"Smart girl. Good on her."

He runs a hand across his face, groaning. "Come on, Ma."

She sighs, her chin in her palm as she stares at her eldest son.

"I'm worried about your choice in women though."

He laughs at that. For the first time in a long time, he laughs with his mother. For the first time in a longer time, she smiles back.

He remembers when she’d walked in on him having sex just after he’d turned eighteen — at how angry she’d been that the woman had been in her late, late twenties. And though she’d been visiting the apartment out of concern for her kids and their terrible eating habits — she had still ended up throwing her shoes at the both of them. He thought she was crazy at the time. He had been convinced she was out to make his life a living hell. But he understands now — why she'd been so angry. He gets why she'd been so scared and hurt — why her fear that he’d get taken advantage of had blinded her with rage.

She remembers when Rindou had shown her a picture of the girl Ran had been dating when he was twenty-one. She remembers looking at the screen, shaking her head in disappointment. She could tell from her eyes alone that the girl had ill intentions — that she was no good at all. She’d told Rindou that much on his way out. He’d shrugged, thinking nothing of it. 

She’d found out later that the two boys had been robbed — that they'd nearly been jumped — and that the girl had been involved. 

Ran doesn’t speak to his mother in the hospital. She’d doted on Rindou the entire time instead. 

—

The two of them sigh synchronously.

"You’ll like her more than you like me," he says into the still air. 

She tilts her head at him, and she wonders what he thinks her perception of him is. It doesn’t seem good. It doesn’t seem good at all. And she can’t help but wonder if she is to blame.

“No, you’ll love her,” he reiterates.

There’s a fond smile on his face as he looks back at his mother, and she wonders idly about the girl that was able to bring a gentle expression to her son’s face at the mere mention of her presence.

"I'd like to meet her — the mother of your child. I want to meet her."

He looks at her, and he nods. He was hoping she’d say that. She looks back at him, and she tries to smile. She was hoping he’d agree. 

The two of them were a mirror image of each other in ways they would never understand, in ways they could never explain. They tore each other apart and the pieces never fit together properly again. There was room for Rindou. There was always room for his mistakes.

But Ran had to cut himself up piece by piece to find a place. He’d had to tip toe through the mess and cut his skin against her shattered fury before he’d given up altogether. She didn’t know he’d been looking so desperately. He didn’t know he didn’t have to look that far.

"Yeah.” He says. “Yeah, I'll bring her over."

She tells him that it seems like the two of you are on good terms despite it all, and he chuckles, nodding in agreement. He feels himself grow weary when he tells her that he's proposed to you multiple times since then, and that you'd rejected him every time. 

She laughs a little too loudly for his liking and he shoots her a glare.

"Bring her over soon. I need to meet this girl."

She goes to make him a plate, ignoring his protests as she places it in front of him on the table. He sighs in exaggeration at her insistence and she shakes her head as she stands before him, watching as foregoes his etiquette. She musses his hair before her gaze falls to a silver strand in the darkness of his hair, and her stomach sinks with guilt. She hadn't realized how much older he'd gotten. She hadn’t noticed all that she’s missed out on. She clears her throat, ridding herself of the thought as she peers at her son once more. 

"How old is she, by the way?"

His mouth is full, when he replies "twenty-four" and she smacks the back of his neck immediately — ignorant of the food he chokes on.

"You fucking idiot."

"Give it up, woman.”

She shakes her head, mumbling obscenities to herself as she washes the dishes. 

He doesn’t leave until he finishes his plate. 

—

He calls you on his way home, your voice soothing him as his phone connects to the speakers in his car.

"Hello, gorgeous,” he says, the moment you pick up.

"What’s wrong?"

He rubs at his temple at your response.

"I can flirt with the mother of my unborn child without there being an ulterior motive, you know."

"I know." you say. There’s a pause — a brief one from your end. "But there is something, isn't there?"

He stares at the screen. There is.

He wonders how you know. He wonders about all that you know. He avoids your question instead.

"What are you doing this weekend?"

You hum in thought.

“I have an appointment on Saturday.”

“For what?” He furrows his brow. He’d been consistently attending the ones you’d told him about. This was the first he’d heard of this one. “Do you want me to come with you?”

“No, it’s okay,” you say. “I just need to get blood drawn, it shouldn’t take long.” 

“Alright. What are you doing after?”

"Nothing, I think,” you respond as you fold a t-shirt — his t-shirt. “Why?"

"My mom wants to meet you."

There's another pause from your end. There was more weight attached to this one — more emotion and fear, worry and concern.

"You told her?"

"I did."

"What did she say?"

You're nervous — a little scared, even. He can tell by the subtle change in the lilt of your voice. You didn’t want her to think of you as an ‘easy girl’. You knew that it was traditionally frowned upon to have a child before marriage. Your grandmother had given the two of you an earful herself. “Put a ring on her finger,” she’d scolded him. “She won’t let me,” he’d complained right back. It went well in the end. It went better than you would’ve thought. 

But you’d never met his mother before. He rarely spoke to you about her at all. And you're worried she’ll look down on you — that she'll hate you before you’re able to be anyone but the mother of her son’s child. You’re scared that your identity will be reduced to just that. 

The low tone of his voice brings you back, and you grip the phone to your ear as he responds.

"That she wants to meet you."

You furrow your brows.

"That's it?"

"Yeah.”

“Really?”

“What do you want me to say? That she cursed me out for knocking you up? She's on your side, you know. Called you a smart girl for not taking a ‘good for nothing’ man like me back. The hag gave birth to me but she's siding with you. I can’t believe this shit." He shakes his head in fake disbelief. He’d expected just as much from her anyway. But you didn’t need to know that. 

You laugh, and he loves it. You laugh, and he loves you. The sound makes its way around his car and he finds comfort in the beauty of your joy.

"I miss you," he says after a minute. It's been a few days since he'd last seen you — a few days too long.

You hum again in response. 

He drives in the quiet for a little, listening as you move around, and he wonders what you're doing in the apartment on your own.

"I miss you too," you finally confess.

Your voice is soft — quiet. He might’ve missed it had his phone not been connected to the speakers in his car. The gentle smile reserved just for you makes its way back onto his face and he glances at your name on the screen. 

"How are you? How's the baby?"

He nears the daunting building of his penthouse, but he finds himself thinking more and more about you and your one-bedroom apartment and all the space you let him take up when he was with you. He wonders if you'd let him come over. He wonders if you’d let him stay. 

Home. He thinks briefly of the word again and he finds that there’s a person attached to it now — and he knows that it’s never been a place. Not for him at least. Not since you.

You eye your belly, stroking the swell of your stomach.

"She's good. A little fussy today though."

“She's keeping you up?”

You sigh, and he knows then that the baby had been relentless in her efforts to do so. 

“She thinks it’s fun to kick my bladder.”

He snorts. Funny kid. 

"And you? How are you?"

Your heart flutters just a little at his incessant need to check up on you.

"I'm okay."

He tells you he wants you to keep talking to him. Talk about anything, talk about whatever — just until he gets home. He doesn't tell you why. He doesn’t need to either. You knew that his relationship with his mother was strained. You knew they had a hard time being around each other. And you knew that his nerves were probably shot.

So you sit on the couch and you tell him about your day — what you watched, what you ate, how many times your baby kicked, and a few of the names you'd been considering. You talk and it's everything to him — you talk, and you breathe life back into him. You're a little distracted in your speech, pausing at odd times, forgetting your train of thought here and there, and he figures you must be doing something else while talking to him. He doesn't tell you that he's been sitting in the garage of his penthouse for seven minutes now. He doesn't tell you that he's already home. It's selfish of him, but he needs you to ground him for just a little longer — for just a bit more.

"I have to pee, Ran."

He tilts his head against the headrest, grinning as you interrupt his train of thought.

"By all means, baby. Go ahead."

"Pervert.” 

He laughs and the concern in your chest eases up just a little. He's okay. He'd be okay. He tells you he'll see you soon, and you nod in agreement.

“I love you," he says before you can hang up.

And you want to say it back like you used to. You want to say it back like you've always done before.

But you don't. Not yet.

Not yet.

"I know," is your quiet response. 

And he's thankful for that at least. He's thankful that you know.

—

He lights a cigarette as he leans against his car in wait for you. You hated when he smoked in your apartment, but you’d despised it even more when you’d gotten pregnant. He’d resorted to smoking outside when he came to visit — a plastic chair set aside just for him now resided on your balcony. You’d read his text, but you hadn’t responded — so he smokes and he waits, and he eyes your door as he exhales. He takes another drag before he crushes the stick of nicotine underneath his shoe, and he runs a hand through his hair as he makes his way up to the second floor.

He knocks and he waits for a moment. He decides to wait another two. 

You open the door right before he’s about to knock again and his eyes soften instantly at the sight of you.

He was so lucky. He was so ridiculously lucky. You were always so lovely — always so beautiful.

But your eyes are wet and there’s a pout on your lips — a slight tremble to them that you’re trying to hide. He finds that he can’t even greet you properly. His first thought is to comfort you instead.

“What’s wrong, baby?”

He moves one hand to the small of your back, the other shifting to cradle your bump instead. You’re beautiful in the dress you’d decided to wear and you’re pretty as you look up at him with tears in your eyes. 

“What’s wrong, love?” he says again.

“My shoes won’t fit.”

He blinks at you as he processes your words, and he resists the urge to smile.

“My feet hurt and my shoes won’t fit. Don’t laugh at me, asshole.”

You almost cry, and he moves his thumbs to your lash line before you do.

“Not laughing at you, baby,” he says, hiding his grin. “Come on, princess.” 

He takes your hand and guides you to the dining table. You sit, wiping at your eyes while he digs through the small pile of shoes in your closet. He finds a loose pair of sandals that he knew had to fit, and he waves them once over his head. 

“Ta-da.”

He kneels in front of you, reaching for your feet as he switches your shoes out for you. He slips the sandals on, long fingers gently tugging at the straps, and he rubs at your feet before he smiles up at you. He looks tired, you think. He looks a little scared. 

You go to reach for his face but he stands before you’re able to stroke his cheek. 

“Where’s your purse, baby? We gotta go.” 

You nod, grabbing your bag, and he takes your palm in his silently as he locks your door behind the two of you. He pockets your key and you understand. You know that he wants you to stay over at his place tonight. 

And maybe exes shouldn’t treat each other like you and him. Maybe they shouldn’t brush eyelashes off of each other’s cheeks. Maybe they shouldn’t have copies of each other’s keys. Maybe he shouldn’t kiss your jaw. Maybe you shouldn’t grip his wrist.

But the lines have been crossed in more ways than one, and the bridging continued to occur.

You don't let go of his hand the rest of the way there. He doesn’t think he wants you to either.

—

You’re scared.

You’re really, really nervous. Your hand naturally drifts to your belly, and you shy away to stand behind him when he knocks on the door. 

He turns to kiss your forehead, brushing your cheek gently in the process.

“It’ll be fine,” he says. “It’s okay.”

You listen as the door unlocks — you watch as it creaks on its own hinges and opens. Ran bends to kiss his mother’s cheek and you watch as a thin hand pats his back before a woman speaks. 

“Yeah, yeah. Where’s the girl?” 

He rolls his eyes and moves slightly out of the way. You peer at her from behind him and her eyes widen. You smile and it’s filled with nerves — filled with kindness and a gentle nature. 

She stares at you in awe. She stares at you in wonder. 

“Oh.”

What good could her son have possibly done in this lifetime, and how quickly was he repaid for it with you? She can’t help but reach for you. She hesitates for a moment, worried it’ll make you uncomfortable, but you step into her embrace and she hugs you. She hugs you and she says nothing else, and you want to cry at how tightly she holds you. You want to break down at how much she looked like him. 

She’s a thin, spindly woman — shorter than her son, but a little taller than the average woman. Her hair is long and black — her face framed with strands of gray. Her eyes crinkle when she smiles and your heart aches. The lavender in her gaze looked just like his. The subtle hurt in her eyes mirrored his own too.

He looks away — gazing into his childhood home instead. 

He can’t look at her. He can’t look at you. 

She ushers the two of you inside, and you follow her into the kitchen. She talks, and you listen. And though her gaze had drifted to your belly a few times over, she doesn't say anything about the baby. She doesn’t say anything at all. He watches as the two of you fall into a natural rhythm, and he lingers near the entry as you help her set the table, fingers twisting the ring in his pocket. He expects that rejection is inevitable tonight as well. 

Dinner is quiet. They don’t talk to each other much. The air isn’t tense, but it’s brutal in its presence. It’s a silence they’re used to — a silence they’re unable to live without. She asks about you, and you tell her all that you can. She asks and you answer and it isn’t so bad. It isn’t so bad at all.

You’re unable to read the expression on Ran's face as he picks at his food, and your brows furrow in slight concern as you stand to help her clear the table. 

It’s then that he rolls his sleeves up. 

It’s then that she gives a disapproving look and sigh as her gaze drifts to the tattoo wrapped around his arm. 

She shakes her head and he drops the plates into the sink. You flinch at the sound. 

“Are you gonna react like that every time?”

Her eyes flit to you for a second, before her gaze sharpens at her son. 

“When your kid comes home at thirteen with a tattoo covering the entire left side of their body, you’d be bitter about it for a long time too.”

“It’s been twenty years, Ma.”

“Like I give a shit,” she mutters as she moves to turn the sink water on. 

He’s angry now. You watch in worry as they bring out the worst in each other. You watch as they weave a web of sorrow — you watch as they strike and suffocate one another.

“My kid can mess up all she wants. She’ll still be my fucking kid.”

He doesn’t realize that she knows that already. He doesn’t get that she knows that very well. He’s still her son. He’s still her boy. And she hurts because he’d sought refuge in other vices instead of her. She hurts because she had no one to blame but herself. She quiets when her gaze drifts to you once more and she turns to the pot on the stove, busying herself with its contents.

Your eyes are wide as you stare at your lover. 

His chest rises and falls in resentment as he glares at her, before he reaches for his cigarettes, making his way back outside.

You don’t know what to do with yourself. You don’t know what you’re supposed to say. You don’t know who to comfort. You don’t think it’s your place to even do so.

It’s then that she turns to you, the lilac in her eyes shining underneath the dim kitchen lights. 

“You’re having a girl?”

It’s the first time she’s acknowledged the baby. You remember what he’d said in the car, as he’d gazed at the traffic with a forlorn expression. “She’s always wanted a girl.” He’d smiled in exhaustion before he’d turned to pinch your nose. “Now she gets two.”

You blink back at her and you nod. 

“Yes,” is all you can say. 

Her eyes soften, and she turns to occupy herself with the mess on the counter. 

Your gaze drift to the door as it shuts loudly behind him and you yearn for the man you love. You leave the kitchen quietly as you turn to look for him.

You find him seated at the bottom of the stairs, fiddling with the box in his hands.

The cigarette lights up his face momentarily as he brings the nicotine up to his face and he breathes out into the still air, shaking his head as he rests his arms on his knees.

He hears the front door open behind him and he knows it’s you. It could only be you.

Your smile is soft — nervous, even — as you close the screen door behind you gently. He puts the cigarette out before he scoots over a little, making room for you as you make your way down, and he laughs as you awkwardly situate yourself beside him. You pinch his bicep in fake irritation and he grins as he kisses your forehead in greeting. You sigh as you settle down beside him. 

“Are you okay?” he asks you. 

“Are you?” you retaliate. 

Your voice is soft. He thinks you must be getting sleepy. 

“Yeah, I'm good. Nothing I haven’t heard before.”

He doesn’t say anything else — looking out into the now quiet neighborhood instead. 

Soon, it would be loud again. Soon, the doors would open and people would make their way downtown — to pachinko parlors, and nightclubs, to convenience stores, and karaoke.

But right now, the air is still. Right now, Roppongi was surprisingly quiet. 

You reach for his hand in the flickering dark. You trace the lines on his palm. You trace the scars and the outline of his rings. You trace his name and you trace yours. You trace a heart in between. Neither of you says a word. But as you lean your head against his shoulder, you look out into the world and you wonder what he sees. The apartment complex he’d grown up in was worn down and dull. Yet it’s surrounded by bright lights. Everything was full of color. 

What was a child expected to do on their own in this hub of chaos? Where was a child expected to go? 

“She can’t stand the sight of me,” he says — breaking the stillness on his own.

“She thinks I corrupted Rindou,” he chuckles darkly at that. Your heart aches at his words.

“You didn’t.”

He pretends like he doesn’t hear you. 

“She thinks I’m gonna ruin your life too.” He glances at your belly. “Yours and hers.”

“You won’t,” you follow up — not bothering to entertain the thought.

He stares off, rubbing his hands together as he pulls his palm out and away from yours. 

“How do you know?”

“I won’t let you,” you whisper. 

You angle your knees towards him and you stare at the man before you with longing in your eyes. How hurt he was — sitting here beside you — how scarred and flawed, how abandoned and lost. 

You hold his face and you tilt your head in worry, and his heart races at the sight. It hurts. It hurts so bad. And he’s sorry. He’s sorry for all that he’s ever done. He’s sorry for what he might do. He’s sorry for any tears he’s made you shed. He doesn’t want to fail you too. 

You kiss his jaw and you pull him into you. His eyes widen at the words you utter against him. 

“It’s not your fault,” you say. 

He grips your dress. 

“It’s not your fault,” you repeat. 

He holds you tighter. 

He wants to believe you. He hopes that one day, he will. 

He drops his head to your shoulder. You hold him even tighter — you pull him in even closer. Your fingers run through the short strands of his hair and he kisses the exposed skin of your shoulder in silent appreciation. 

His mother watches the two of you from beyond the window. There’s a strange warmth that settles into her ache. 

You were good. You were so good. Maybe even too good. 

Too good for this family. Too pure for their hurt. 

He tells you he just needs a minute more, gesturing towards the cigarettes, and you nod as you stand. He kisses your hand before you make your way back up the stairs and you smooth the dark strands out of his face, gently stroking his cheek as he places a stick in between his lips. “Take your time,” you tell him. 

His mother waits for you in the living room. There’s a worn out tray on the chabudai before her, and you smile as you take a seat. She exhales as she pours the tea, and you thank her as she sets it down. 

“He’s never liked Sencha,” she tells you fondly as she stares at the cup in her hands. 

Yes, you want to say. I know that very well. 

But you want her to have this part of him — this little known fact that she’d managed to get a hold of. You want her to be a mother. You want her to be his mother. 

She traces the lip of the cup and you can’t help but ask her if everything was alright. Her quiet held meaning. Her silence meant questions. 

“Why are you with him?” she asks. It’s a blunt question — slightly aggressive in its nature — and you see her children in her. 

“I —”

She cuts you off before you’re able to explain. 

“He told me that you broke up with him, and rightfully so too.”

You wince a little at the wording. 

“But you’re here. You’re here and you’re good to him. Why are you good to him? Why him?” 

She tried, she really did try. But she doesn’t understand. She doesn’t get it. She can’t seem to wrap her mind around it at all. You’re a good girl. You seemed like a wonderful woman. So why her son? Why not anyone else? Why not spare yourself the heartache and the trouble?

She doesn’t understand why you’re here instead.

Ran stands in the darkness of the hallway as he listens in. The cigarette pack is crushed beneath his grip and he regrets not making more noise when coming in. 

This was not good. 

This was not good at all. 

He tilts his head up towards the ceiling and curses his mother’s inability to feign ignorance. 

He could leave.

He could walk out and wait till the conversation was over and the two of you had moved on before he came back inside. But there’s a vile part of him that wants to hear your truth. There’s a sick part of him that wants you to make him hurt. Why were you with him? Why were you here at all?

You hum as your gaze drifts to the photos she had lined up near the tv. There’s a picture of the two boys outside. Their grins are wide and their hair a brilliant blonde. You smile softly because you know he despises his natural hair color. You know he hates it because of his father. And you know that Rindou had been too young to remember anything of the man. But Ran knew enough to detest him. He knew enough to never go back to blonde. You look at another photo, and you think he must be in his twenties. Rindou’s smile is the only one to be seen. Ran mirrors his mother — in stance and appearance. You think they must’ve argued before the photo was taken. And you wonder if he’d kept his hair long and dark to spite her — as if to say “Look at me. I’m everything you hate. Look at me. I look just like you.” He wanted her to look at him and wince. He wanted her to see herself in him. He was everything she failed at. He was everything she couldn’t control.

He’s beautiful, despite his pettiness, and you look back at her. 

Why are you with him? You smile at the loaded question. 

“Because I love him,” you tell her as much, and your chest blooms. It aches because you do — you love him. You love him. And sometimes you don’t know what to do with it all. Sometimes, you don’t know where you’re supposed to keep it — all this love; all these feelings. But you don’t think that’s what this is about.

You don’t think that this is what she’s asking about at all. 

You tell her she’d done well. You tell her that both of her boys were good men — that they were respected and revered and admired in their work. But then you tell her that if she kept holding on to the past — if she kept holding on to his past — then she’d only destroy them even further. Her eyes widen and you’re worried you might’ve crossed a line, but you keep going. You keep going because it’s not fair to him. You keep going because it isn’t fair to her.

“He’s riddled with guilt,” you say quietly. “It’s not his fault,” you say again. “It’s not.”

“Then whose is it?” She challenges. “Who is responsible?”

“I don’t know,” you respond. “But he’s not thirteen anymore. He’s not fifteen. He’s not twenty.”

She can’t help the slight sheen that covers her eyes — at all the time that she’d missed; at all that she’d desperately clung to. She’d been selfish in her approach. And she knows that it’s not her fault that she was alone. She knows it’s not her fault that she was always tired and away for work. But somewhere along the line, she’d forgotten that he’d had to bear the burden of raising himself and his brother — and that he’d done the best that any child could do. She looks away from you and she thinks he must’ve been scared. She looks away and she thinks he must be tired too. 

She holds her breath and you think she’s just like him in that regard — that they were both the type to shoulder their hurt and smile, as if everything was okay — as if the sharpness in their eyes didn’t dull and they weren’t affected by everything around them.

You can only imagine how isolated she must feel. You can only wonder how lonely it must be. 

Her gaze drifts back to your belly and you know she’s holding herself back. You know she wants to touch the baby — that she wants to seek comfort in a grandchild she’d only come to know about. It’s a lot to process. It’s a lot to take in. You silently ask her for permission as you reach for her thin fingers — placing her palm onto your stomach. To know that your oldest child had their own on the way and to realize that you had no place in any of it at all — it’s a damning feeling. And maybe she’d been a shit mother. Maybe she hadn’t done all that she should have. But she can’t help but wonder if it was too late. Would he let her be his mother? Would he let her be a grandmother? Was this all she’d come to know of the child?

She’s lost in her own thoughts when your brows furrow, and you wince when your baby kicks against her palm.

The woman before you starts to cry.

It’s quiet, the steadiness in which her tears stream down her face. They follow a common path – down the hollow of her eyes, down to the curved line of her mouth — down, down, down they go. 

“Forgive me,” she goes to say. You brush her apology off with a tired smile.

“She’s excited to meet her grandmother.” 

She blinks at you again – at your choice of words and the necessity of their timing – and she shakes her head at the irony. 

She laughs for the first time all night, and she decides that she doesn’t want you to see her cry anymore. 

The two of you sit together in the living room — your eyes fixed onto the tv and the late night game show.

Your lover makes his way back into the living room, looking away as he sits beside you. He pretends he didn’t hear a single word. He pretends he didn’t hear anything at all.

He pours himself a cup of Sencha, wincing at the flavor. 

His mother chuckles at the sight. 

Her hand doesn’t leave your belly. 

—

He takes you back to his place that night. You don’t object as you nod off in the car. You’re tired. You wonder if it’s always been like this for him — if he’s always felt at war in the very place he was supposed to belong. He reaches for your palm, fiddling with the emptiness of your ring finger as the red light washes over your figure. Your gaze is haunting and he falls in love with you all over — again and again, his heart falls victim to you. Again and again, he’s certain of his love for you.

The two of you don’t talk about tonight.

Not yet at least. Not right now. 

You lean into his side on the way up to his penthouse. He wraps an arm around your waist and strokes your jaw.

Still, you don’t say much. Still, you don’t say anything about it at all.

You’d resorted to sleeping in the guest bedroom after the two of you had initially split. On days that you’d had early appointments — on nights that you’d felt sick and alone — he’d preferred that you stay with him. You didn’t mind at all. His presence was comforting — safe and reassuring. 

He’d played along with the front you’d put up at first. He’d let you shut the door and pretend to sleep on your own for a day or two. It didn’t take long for him to find his way back to your side. It didn’t take long for you to fall asleep in his arms while he drooled into the pillow overhead and you clutched his shirt tight.

But this time, when he unlocks the door and you make your way over to the guest bedroom, all he does is kiss your forehead in passing. All he does is stroke your cheek in goodbye. He doesn’t tease you at the entry way. He doesn’t fake a scene or hold you tight.

“Goodnight, sweetheart,” is all he says.

You watch as he heads to his bedroom instead — you feel lonelier than you’d felt the first night you’d slept alone. 

And he knew you deserved better. He knew he didn’t think this through. He knew that this was too much — that this was all too much for the both of you. And he knew that any excess stress right now wouldn’t be good for you at all. 

But his head hurt, and his chest ached, and his shoulders were strained under the weight of all his burdens. 

You stare at him in concern, eyes filled with worry and hurt — and you want him back. 

You want your lover back. 

You sit in the guest bedroom after you’d washed and changed and you eye the clock in a daze. You think an hour passes. Maybe more.

Your daughter kicks impatiently and you exhale at the pressure, rubbing at the spot as though to comfort her. 

“Yes, I know,” you tell her. “I know, baby.” I know.

You don’t bother knocking on his door as you make your way into the master bedroom. It’s dark, save for the twinkling lights of the city below. He’s sitting on the edge of the bed, his back facing the door as he hunches over — his hands covering his face. Slowly, you climb onto your side of the bed. Your palms smooth over the untouched blankets and you eye your pillow on his side of the bed. 

It’s been a while since you've slept here. It’s been a while since you’ve (more or less) split.

You sit on your knees directly behind him and you grip the sheets beside you as you let your forehead fall onto his back.

“Ran?” you whisper.

His muscles tense, but he doesn’t respond to you otherwise.

“Baby,” you say.

“Come back,” you nearly beg.

You trail a finger down his spine — finger smoothing over every ridge; heart aching with every touch. 

He turns to you then, slightly, as he peers over his shoulder.

Your eyes are wide and hopeful, and he shakes his head at the sight. 

“No good for you. I’m no good.”

“Yes, you are.”

There’s a slight tremble to his shoulders and you press your cheek to his back as you lean against him.

You wrap one arm around his waist, stroking the skin of his side. It’s too much. His heart can only take so much. 

“It’s okay,” you mutter, lips moving against his back. It’s not your fault. It’s not. You did good. You did well. You’re a good man, you tell him. And I love you, you say against him.

He stills. 

You say it again.

“I love you.”

He looks down at his palm — at the small ring settled down in the center. It sparkles in the dark and he closes his fist against it at the sight.

“Marry me then,” he says — as though it’s a challenge — as though he’s given up on any chance of you saying yes.

“Okay,” you whisper.

His brows furrow in confusion. He’s not sure he heard you right. He doesn’t know if you understand.

He turns to you immediately. Adoration lines his eyes as he stares at you and his gaze darkens as his nerves are shot with fear.

“What?”

Don’t play with me, his gaze seemed to say. Don’t mess with me right now. Not you. Please not you.

Your hand strokes the soft stubble on his cheek and you smile. It’s tired and loving, genuine and you. 

“Ask me again,” you say as he stares. He’s quick to oblige — quick to fulfill your request.

He’s scared you’re going to fade away. He’s scared you might still leave. 

“Marry me,” he pleads. “Marry me. Please.”

You think he’s dizzy from all that he’s feeling. You think he’s high off of everything that’s happened. But you know his heart and you know yours, and you know there’s only so much he can take. You know there’s only so much hurt he can handle.

And he loves you. He loves you. He adores you. 

“Yes,” you whisper, and you try not to cry as he slips the ring onto your finger. 

“Yeah?” he mutters, eyes hazy as he stares into your own.

“Yes,” you say again. “Yes.”

He kisses you then, with need and want.

He kisses you like you’re the love of his life.

He kisses you like you’re the mother of his child.

He kisses you like he wants to marry you — like he fully intends on doing so too. 

It’s been eight months too long, but you lay beside him on your side of the bed, and he smiles down at you in love and need. 

He kisses you once more as you whine for sleep, and he smiles against your lips at the complaint. Just one more, he says. Just one more, I promise. You push at his face and he laughs at your insistence. You feel your daughter move soon after, and you reach for his wrist, placing your palm on top of his as you guide him to her. As you always would. As you always will.

The two of you would enter parenthood soon — a marriage would follow soon after. You’re both a little scared. You’re both a little terrified. And you know he can’t help but think of all the ways it could go wrong. You know he’s afraid he’ll be the one to screw it all up — quick to take the blame; quick to deny himself the benefit of the doubt.

But you fit your hand in his and you hold on tight.

You trust him, and he trusts you. 

You love him, and he loves you. 

Doma watching his petal breastfeed her child

A.N.: I've been gone for a whole huh? Sorry about that. But I'm gonna try to update what I do have in my drafts and just... post those. Sorry for the wait! I'll explain more in a seperate post.

Anyway... yeah, we're into tiddy milk now.

◇◇◇◇

His love looked so beautiful feeding their child.

Nursing the very life he dreamed of for centuries, yearned for the moment he laid eyes on you, wished for once he had you in his grasp.

Yes, Doma was very happy.

Doma watched from the doorway with a smile of content, eyes crinkling in the corner from how wide his mouth stretched across his face. He takes in the heart-warming scene of your third-born in your arms, suckling and drinking the milk of their mother. You didn't seem to notice him, however, as you were too focused on how peaceful and adorable your daughter looked. Like a scene from a book — innocent and tender. Even if she looked like a spitting image of her father — like her brothers — you couldn't hide your own smile from gracing your tired features nor ignore the blooming love for your newest child.

Raising your hand, you brush away the stray strand of blonde hair from her face, gently stroking her chubby cheek with the pads of your fingers. You hum the moment she starts to whimper against your skin, adjusting your arm and balancing her little head, seeing how the milk began to bubble at the corner of her mouth. She pulls away, her face scrunching up whilst she begins to whine, closing her fist around your kimono, her bottom lip trembling.

You giggle to yourself. "Shh, honey, you're okay…," you mutter, bouncing her a bit, adjusting your hold as she begins to quiet down. Stroking her head, you whisper sweet nothings to her. Slowly, she latched back onto your breast, quieting down with small hiccups here and there. Not a second later she begins to suck weakly once again, now calm. A chuckle leaves you. Even after birthing twins, you couldn't help but be amused at how easily a baby was satisfied sometimes.

Your daughter was no different, but you didn't mind. As long as it kept Doma away from you, you were willing to dote on your children. Some part of you felt shame and guilt for feeling this way, using your children as some sort of escape from your husband. Don't get me wrong, you love your children dearly, but there were times you wished you had them under different, better circumstances.

Never did you imagine your life going this way.

Sometimes you wondered if you did marry the wealthy merchant from your past — would you be happier? Or more miserable? All you could do was think and rack your head for an answer, because no matter how hard you tried, Doma had already tainted your mind and the only answer you reached was that it didn’t matter. In one way or another, a man like Doma would come along sooner or later…

That was the answer… and you didn’t like it.

Because that meant if you ever got a second chance, that no matter how hard you tried, Doma was your future. And you couldn’t escape that.

As he watched you nurse, Doma couldn't ignore the heat forming in his chest, nor pay no attention to how the sight made his stomach churn and heart race. He shouldn't feel this way about watching his own child feed. No, but that didn't seem right. No, no, that was not it.

It was watching you; imagining himself with you in such a position.

Slowly did his mind begin to warp the very scene before him, picturing himself nursing on your soft supple breasts, mouth encasing over your buds and feasting on the milk meant for his child. Oh, the very thought seemed to grow the warmth that overtook his body, growing hotter and hotter until he seemed to be burning. Blood rushed to every part of him, eyes dilating as his gaze stayed glued to your chest. With a dopey smile, he giggles quietly in glee and walks off, still thinking about the new fantasy his mind conjured.

Tonight, he found himself looking forward to a new fascination to drag you into, a new vigor fueling him to have more of you.

Doma called forward a follower, the same one assigned to look after you and his children's meals. An old fellow who treated the demon’s family with the utmost care, he decided the man would be the best choice to watch after his beloveds’ diet. It did help that the man had been a farmer before joining the cult, so he was the perfect person to go to. With a gleeful tone, Doma asks, "What herbs are within our possession that increase the production of breast milk?"

"Excuse me?” The old man said in surprise, face flushing red as he processed the question. However, he quickly composed himself as he realized whom he was speaking to. Clearing his throat, he nearly choked out his next words, both curious and fearful to know why on earth the certain herbs were needed. “Is something wrong with Lady [Name], my lord…?”

“None of your business. You heard me. What herbs do we have that increase the production of breast milk?”

“Mm-ah, u..unfortunately, none, Lord Doma…"

Doma growled in annoyance and narrowed his eyes, sneering at the old man. "Is there any within the area?" He asks with a more harsher tone, getting restless in his seat.

The old man flinched and nodded his head, shaking as he looked to the floor, avoiding the demon’s burning gaze. "Goat's Rue and Fenugreek are said to be sold in a nearby village. I believe a patch of shatavari plants grow around the temple. All of them have a reputation of increasing fertility and milk production…"

Doma perked up at the mention of the last herb and hummed in delight. Though his original intentions were for his own fascination, the added benefit of increasing your fertility to give him another child was absolutely perfect. "Haha, excellent!” the demon chirped, clasping his hands together. “I want you to get a hold of them by tomorrow morning! My wife will need them for… personal matters."

••••

The very next day, the herbs were presented to Doma and a new light flickered in his colorful gaze. His fantasy was just a drink away and he couldn’t wait.

Like clockwork, Doma had the follower add the herbs to your tea every morning and every night, wanting to speed up the process. Though he became impatient throughout the next few days, the time eventually came for Doma to act out his plan. And god, was it worth the wait.

It started with seeing your chest looking fuller and firmer, listening to you whine about the back pain, and hearing from your assigned followers about how you’re now producing too much milk for your poor child. They even commented it was enough to feed all the children at least three times.

That’s all the man needed to know.

Doma surprised you one night when you finished the daily feeding of your daughter, catching you off-guard when you sat on the bed after putting your child in their crib.

It took nearly an hour to put her to sleep, but with a full belly and a lullaby, your youngest fell asleep into a deep slumber and wouldn’t wake you through the night. You, on the other hand, needed to close your eyes and take a break before your husband came back. Lord knows what mood he’ll get into if you don’t greet him when he arrives, but you didn’t want to find out.

Not again.

Doma watched with bated breath through the slit of the paper door, seeing you swing your legs onto the sheets and lay back, sighing in content. Without another second to waste, he straightens up and laughs loudly.

“[Name]...!” Doma sang, walking through the doorway with a sickly sweet smile. You froze in your spot, surprised to see him back before midnight. You cross your arm over your chest, face heating up as you look up to his towering form. No, no, no, not tonight! You were still recovering from last time Doma had his way with you! The scars were still new and hell, you couldn’t move without feeling your muscles scream for you to stop.

But Doma didn’t care if you were hurt by him. Afterall, this was his way of showing his love for you. “Awe, don’t hide yourself from me, petal!” Doma whines, striding to the bed and practically throwing himself onto the sheets. "Pretty petal, I want to taste mommy too!" Doma beamed, crawling over to your form, leaving you no time to fully cover your chest. He giggled, stretching himself across your body, swallowing your small frame with his giant body, and burying his face in between the soft mounds of flesh. He rested his chin on your sternum, a gleeful smile gracing his features as he looked up to you. “A little bird told me you were in pain from so much milk in your breasts, [Name]! And as your husband, it’s my duty to help my wife with her problem!”

“Doma, n-no,” you mutter, squirming from underneath him. “N-no, please, not tonight…! I’m okay — nothing I can’t handle!” You desperately tried to convince him that you’re not in pain, even as your back throbbed and begged for relief. Yet it's nothing but wishful thinking if you thought Doma would ever take no for an answer.

The demon rubbed his cheek against your smooth skin, humming, almost as if what you said didn’t phase him. “Mm, you don’t have to lie to me, petal… I’m more than happy to help you out — it’s been my dream to know how you taste without needing to scar your skin, how you taste now that you have bore me my children…”

Your blood ran cold and you looked at him in horror. Was he implying…. What you think he was?

Doma continued, nearing one of your nipples with a watering mouth, running his tongue over his lips.“And now, I finally have the chance to know… and I know you’ll be a good wife and let your husband help – right?”

“I… I don’t know…”

He lets out an exasperated sigh. “We can do this without waking up our daughter, and you’ll let me taste you… or we do this and show our child early on how much I love you! And it’ll start when your pretty mouth lets out a beautiful scream…” His eyes darkened as he uttered each word, watching with empty eyes as fear washed over your facial features. To traumatize your child this early was something you didn’t want, not ever really — and Doma knew that. You wanted to protect them from this side of your marriage for as long as possible, so what choice was there…? He knew you would listen if it meant protecting your children a while longer. “So, what do you say, pretty [Name]?”

A monster he was. You avert your eyes and nod solemnly. “Yes…! I… I n-need you, Doma…”

His grin grows impossibly wide and he lets out a pleased laugh. “I knew you wanted this too, petal! Hahah, I love you so much!” He says cheerfully, wasting no time to begin. His wicked mouth attached itself to your pebbled bud, ever so sharp fangs digging into the tender flesh of your breast. His arms wrapped tightly around you, pulling you unbearably close to him as if he were afraid to let go. Greedily, he sucked harshly at your nipple, lapping happily as the sweet liquid gushed into his mouth. A soft cry left you, shutting your eyes and arching your back, gritting your teeth as the sudden ache of pain went through you. Your hand immediately went to his head, tugging at his locks in an attempt to pull him away. Of course, you were still tender from feeding your daughter, and this just made the pain worse. Not that the man cared.

The demon ignored you, eyes fluttering shut as he savored the delectable milk, the flavors melting on his tongue as he flicked the muscle over your bud, downing each ounce down his throat with a smile. Even if demons didn’t need this source of nutrients, it didn't stop the man from feeling full the more he drank. Nonetheless, he was more than satisfied with the moment, engrossed in how his fantasy was nothing compared to this.

Except, now, he needs more of you.

It almost tastes as great as human blood. The sounds of wet clicks was all you heard as they mixed with his soft grunts. His hot breath fanned over your skin, quickening as he drank every last drop from you. You started to feel weak, eyelids getting heavy as Doma switched to your other breast. His hands kneaded your skin, claws scraping along your hips and thighs, pulling you closer and closer until he seemed to be melting into you. His hips grinded against the sheets, breathing heavily as he drank like a thirsty man. If he knew this was possible earlier, he would have started since your twins were born.

What a fool he was to let an opportunity pass by.

You could have sworn at some point he whimpered 'mommy' as he drank. But it slipped your mind as your hand fell from his hair and you welcomed the darkness. He rutted desperately into the bed and with a broken moan, a wave of bliss washed over him, wetting his pants and the sheets. Though, Doma didn’t stop there.

You didn't even know when you slipped into a deep sleep, but for hours did your husband nurse, leaving your nipples raw by the time he was done.

Doma let his cloak slip from his shoulder and draped it over you, humming softly. He sat next to you on the bed, just watching you in silence. Doma stroked your cheek with his knuckles, watching as you slept peacefully. He smiled with a sigh.

"My pretty petal… my beautiful wife… I love you…"

◇◇◇

After that night, your personal affairs in the bedroom changed drastically.

Doma added more herbs to your diet, to make sure you were producing more than enough milk for both your children and your nights with him.

Nursing on you became Doma's new way to destress from the day, snuggling up to you and burying his face into your supple breasts, drinking every ounce of milk until he was satisfied.

Though, some days, he just laid his head on your bare chest and had you run your fingers through his hair. During these moments, he stayed quiet, letting the peace stay.

You never dared question him, however. Afraid it would result in the same fate you lived almost every night. You needed these moments of peace. Even if you weren't completely alone, dealing with a docile Doma was better than a feverous one.

If this meant you got some type of mercy from the demon, you’re willing to partake in his sick fantasy again…

And again….

And again.

◇◇◇◇

©𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚢𝚗𝚘𝚟𝚊 || 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚜 𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚎𝚛𝚟𝚎𝚍 || 𝚗𝚘 𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚜𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜, 𝚎𝚍𝚒𝚝𝚜, 𝚌𝚘𝚙𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝚛𝚎𝚙𝚘𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝚎𝚝𝚌. 𝚞𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚢 𝚌𝚒𝚛𝚌𝚞𝚖𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚎𝚜.

◇◇◇◇

Stories that are worth reading

Note:these are stories that I have found here on tumblr, on Wattpad and ao3. Keep in mind that some may have mature themes!

*Impulse Control ~ Yagami Light x Reader by spoonerismss [Wattpad] (one of the best death note stories I have ever read, has rich vocabulary and one of my favorites)

*Fated~ Kurro Tetsurou x Reader {royal au} by yourstarvic [Tumblr] (Interesting story with my favorite trope enemies-to-lovers and my comfort character)

*Letters~ Kuroo Tetsurou x Reader by nighthaikyuu [Tumblr] (I hope this story continues because we are left in a cliffhanger)

*The-in-between~Kuroo Tetsurou x Reader by kuroopaisen [Tumblr] (If I had ever existed in the Haikyuu world I would like my story to be this…)

*Sofia~ Kuroo Tetsurou x Reader {soulmate/reincarnation au} by intomymindspace [Tumblr] (The best soulmate au!!)

*Better Days Ahead~ Kuroo Tetsurou x Reader {demon x human} by morningsideup [Ao3] (Amazing plot and character development, also one of my favorites)

*The Road to Hell~ haikyuu Captains x Reader {!!SPICY mafia au!!} by doinmybesthere [Ao3] (More than one of my favorite captains…Count me in)

*Love Galore~ Bokuto Koutarou x f.Reader x Kuroo Tetsurou by tsukishumai [Tumblr] (Well two of my fave’s and I honestly don’t know who to root for…)

Forgot to post the links the first time sorry…

~Aura