I've Been Up For Hours. I Have Always Had The Sensory Issues But It Wasn't Until I Got Out Of My Dad's

I've been up for hours. I have always had the sensory issues but it wasn't until I got out of my dad's abusive house that they really hit me and now I'm up right now literally coughing up loogies that are pink from blood and fighting the urge to literally claw my skin off. It sounds like some edgy thing some kid would have put here on Tumblr in 2008. I hate everything I want to die it sucks so fucking bad. I clean and clean and clean off my bed before laying on it I make my bed I make sure everything is to a tee. And no matter how many fucking time to do with the bed still has something on it it could be as clean as marble and it's still feels like I'm laying in the fucking desert. Always starts off feeling like I'm laying on Sand then it gets itchy to the point that it's unbearable and I just want to claw my skin off and it hurts it stops being itchy and just straight up hurts. I am so tired and I'm just crying Non-Stop and I can't even stop myself from crying and it sucks. I'm tired I'm always you never feeling comfortable in my own skin in a literal way not metaphorical not oh I look in the mirror and I'm ugly literally feeling uncomfortable in my skin I want to be skin I would pay for someone to find a way to live without skin. This is literal agony and it's always hits me when I'm vulnerable. It never hits me in the middle of the day when I'm just chilling relaxing it's always when I'm trying to go to sleep or do something important it's always in the middle of a test or some other bull like that. It's always there I don't know what I did I'm not a good person I know I haven't taken it. And no matter how much I look stuff up we can't find any way to fix this I don't have money to buy a weighted blanket. And my next therapy appointment in this until Wednesday. Sometimes I think if I didn't make a promise that I made my mom I probably be dead. I just said melatonin and I'm hoping that I've been to just get worn out from crying and fall asleep. But it sucks that I even have to do that I want to be a normal person so waiting to sit on my bed and go to sleep. No crying no tantrum no painful itching sensation no need to literally sit as still as possible just hope that it can fall asleep without literally crying so hard that I can't speak anymore.

I just want to be "normal" person i feel bad I don't want to be neurodivergent. I want to be able to do things normally without my brain trying to punish me. This is like living hell. And it's so much worse cuz I never never the problem when I'm like distracted throughout the day I sit on the same bed all day and watch TV and do other things I work on my bed because it's the only thing I have and there's no problem the second that I actually got to go to sleep it's like oh no now your bed is made out of needles and sand and bugs. If I didn't promise my mom I wouldn't kill myself I probably do that right now. I hate everything I hate this I'm going to sleep so badly I'm literally writing this while crying and so tired that I could fall asleep but my body won't let me I'm so so tired this isn't fair.

Please please please please please please if anyone knows anything that can help please tell me I am literally having panic attacks and I can't do this. I am on the verge of just scratching all my skin off Jesus Christ and I don't even know why my brain would act like this why am I so faulty that my brain actively makes my life worse what is the possible reason that my brain would act like this

I'm snowdin right now. Heh, get it. But as soon as I can. Go to the store and buying more materials to make more crochet dolls. So far I have a plan for fell, Swap, And error. But I'm also planning on making nightmare, horror, dust, killer, ect. And I know there's gonna be a few characters that will be on the more difficult side. Dream, for example, his outfit will be a bit hard.

Also I want to make Papyrus (maybe multiple) But I need to figure out how to make the doll taller. Because if I'm gonna make a Papyrus he has to be taller than Sans.

Also once I'm done with the crochet, I also want to make rag dolls. I've already made one rag doll before. And I'd love to make like several. also of aus.

Call me Error because I just crocheted my own Sans doll. And i'm planning on making me more.

I added a bow to his pants. Happy birthday, little guy.

Why is it that people can like beauty and the beast but the second I think that error and blue make a cute couple I'm the one who's mentally unwell! At least they're both skeletons and not ones a furry and ones a human!!! Plus unpopular opinion but the beast is ugly in both forms, the human form especially!

@staff can I get some reporting system on ads. Or some kind of system to show that they add should probably be looked over more than once before being put on the platform. Because as someone who's nerodivergent if I see one more ad about how so-and-so causes some kind of mental impairment I'm going to kill someone. Me taking a vaccine as a kid did not make me autistic, Becky.

It's even weirder because this entire app/platform is known for being diverse and not discriminatory. I'm starting to think that that is not true. And I don't that this went through any kind of staff regulation cuz they wouldn't be putting on here if it was. Or at least do the same thing that Google does and use targeted ads so I don't have to see this. Whatever like two biggots on Tumblr can see it then.

Please please I am begging you. I get to hear enough of it from places like autism speaks and Peta of all people.

Despite the fact that I have not finish production on the first episode, the series might have to go on a very short hiatus.

The thing about this is that to create this series I was using a laptop given to me by my school. The thing is though I'm graduating on the 12th so I had to turn it in today. Now I have no computer to work on this project. So when it comes to art related to this project and the actual production of this project it will have to go on hiatus for a very short while.

Summer job lined up in place for me. So if everything goes smoothly hopefully you'll only take 2 weeks to get my check, buy a new computer, and continue production on this series. Though life can be unpredictable so I don't really know.

But just because I don't have a computer does not mean I'm not going to continue to work on this project. It just means for a while I'll have to work with notebooks instead of Google docs and I'll have to be using pen and paper instead of digital art. I don't know if any of this will be uploaded unless it's something really big I want to share. Mainly will be concept art for later on episodes since I've already got episode 1 through 3's scripts are already written out and I'm halfway through production of the first episode.

I don't know if I have a lot of fans of the series like at all but I want to apologize to those who are interested that I had to take a hiatus before I could even get the first official episode. Again hopefully this will be very short and just be a minor little bump in the production.

Thank you very much for your understanding. When production is started again I'll be more than happy to update those who are interested.