Yes. Just Yes. And Please

Yes. Just yes. And please 🧎

I think it would be an incredibly funny idea to give Dickie an existential crisis for a week because he takes a test for the metagene as a joke and it comes back positive. "I FUCKING KNEW IT," says every single Robin that could never do even half of his flippiest flippy flippy bullshit

The punchline is, of course, that after more testing they find out his acrobatic skills have nothing to do with his actual superpower. Which is something that only flew under the radar all his life cause Dick didnt know it wasnt normal. Like... idk, aura reading or better night vision or something. A very "wait, you mean everyone else can't do that?" moment

All the other Robins are once again devastated, Dick is very smug. Do you see my vision

Loosing my shit over this. I love it.

Damian would be fully in charecter too and I think they could collectively successfully gasslight the hell out of everyone and then just continue it when B comes back behind his back so he doesn’t know how they convinced ppl it was normal(or maybe to the point they could hide Damian ever was the one who played Batman, I feel like if they wanted to they could lie to Batman and hide the evidence enough that he thinks dick covered for him and not his 10-14 year old)

"Dick should be Batman when Bruce is away/incapacitated" "Cas should be Batman then, she's best figher" "Jason is build similarily, so he should take the cowl when Bruce is out" .... Listen guys, the only real answer is the funniest one, which is that Damian, in all his 150cm (4.9 ft) glory should be Batman when Bruce is in space/away, with his siblings having all the fun acting as there is nothing different about Batman, or making up the craziest excuses to both villains and other heroes (who are not well aquainted with the batfam) as to why batman is like that.

"Why is Batman... small" "Small? He's not small, he's just far away." " He's standing right here." "That's what YOU think"

"I'm not crazy, Batman looks tiny" "He always looks like that, only you guys usually have concussion when you see him"

"Batman looks... different" "Okay I'm gonna be honest with you. He's molting." "Molting" "Well, he IS a bat" "Bats don't MOLT" "Not all bats." "I don't think that any bats molt" "I don't know what to tell you man, he's a bat, he's molting, and in a week or so he'll drop his smaller skin and be bigger and badder than ever"

"What happened to Batman?" "This is your lesson never to eat this vitamin gummies for kids as an adult"

REAL!!!!! ME!!!!! I’m like this with duke and dick my love for them knows no bounds and like when my mom interrupts me she matches my vibe and it’s amazing have a mother quote

“Oh he trained with an mercenary? I bet he makes a killer sandwich with those chopping skills”

“he’s killed the joker? That’s sick I hate the joker”

My toxic trait is that my favoritism for Dick Grayson has no bounds.

Love this reminder Bruce is a terrible dad^^ I need more of this:3

Also everything in this is perfect and I love it.

Bruce Wayne, mentor to many- father to none.

I want the angst of B having to come to terms that he doesn't know ANY of his kids not anymore at least and maybe never and the fact his kids are just- used to it?

Visiting Dicks apartment, he finds a picture of him smiling while surrounded by a bunch of little kids in spandax uniforms. Turns out he'd been a gymnastics instructor for about four years now and his most recent team had everyone qualify for state. (Bruce didn't even know he still practiced)

Jason stopped accepting Wednesday night patrols, but when he looked into it he found out that was the night he went to DND nights with his roommates every week. The roommates he met last semester after he decided to go to college and get an english major. (Bruce didn't even know he had applied)

Checking the library he found a small pedastal plague put up by Alfred displaying just one book. It said Cass was the author. Apparently she had gotten super into writing and published a book talking about language deprivation and lack of accomidation for deaf/hoh children born to hearing families. She had a book signing last month, Alfred had gone and grabbed this copy now on display (Bruce didn't even know she liked to write)

Tim finished a case early and let it slip he needed to sign off early to "meet up with his boyfriends" and hung up before Bruce could process. It only took a small glance at his middle child's latest social media post to see him alongside Superboy (what was his name?) and a blonde boy he didn't recognize. Both were leaned in to kiss his cheek and the caption said "Happy 3rd anniversary!!" (Bruce didn't even know he was interested in boys)

Steph's birthday came around and Bruce got her a new account and shoved a couple thousand for her to buy whatever she wanted. But he quickly noticed a pattern of everyone getting her- cat supplies? Apparently She had adopted a cat about a month ago to celebrate her new apartment, Mister Mystery was his name, and she had asked everyone for supplies instead of other gifts. (Bruce didn't even know she had moved)

He decided on some impromptu father-son bonding and tries to track down his youngest. But Damian is nowhere to be found. He gets pretty close to calling an emergency meeting but the moment he messages Oracle she reminds him Damian is in Chicago. Damian had won an art competition at school and his piece qualified for a gallery spot. The entire family had gone days ago and he was due back the next day. (Bruce didn't even know he cared about art)

Then Duke- his youngest in terms of time spent. But one he had grown fond of just as fast as the others. Especially working the day shift the time they spent was limited. Bruce got them both lunch, but it wasn't until halfway through eating that Duke had turned to him with panicked eyes and asked if the stew had shellfish. Duke had a severe allergy, thankfully Jason had been just up the street and had an epi-pen ready before they took him to Leslies. (Bruce didnt even know he had any allergies, let alone one so severe)

The worst part? There was no blow up. His kids didn't take his idiocracy as a personal insult or even raise a fight. They just rolled their eyes and moved on. As everyone crowded in the room, surrounding Dukes bedside he could hear Barbras voice. "Its not your fault, Batman may be omnipotent, but Bruce doesn't know anything really"

He wasnt meant to overhear or maybe he was, Oracle had always been petty But he couldn't refute it.

"But you have us"

Well- thats just it wasnt it? Even when Bruce was absent- his kids had each other. But was that ever meant to be enough?

Hehehehehe>:D I’m honestly not completely sure he’s human but I love him too much to care^^

Justice League scenario where they meet little tiny Dick Grayson as Robin and immediately start taking bets on what on earth he is because the answer is obviously not human.

Green Lantern: I think Bats made a genetic clone of himself. One of his contingency plans, you know? If something happens to him, he has a well trained double to take his place eventually.

Green Arrow: No way! I refuse to believe anything that shares genetics with Batman could smile. I bet he's an alien that Batman found and ran tests on. I mean, have you seen the kid? I don't think he has bones.

Flash: Alien is a possibily, but have you seen the stuff the comes out of Gotham? I bet he just materialized out of the shadows one day. His smile scares me, I think he has to be a demon of some sort.

Dick Grayson, hanging upside down from a hanging light above them, where he has been silently eavesdropping the entire time: I am a normal human boy.

Lantern, Arrow, and Flash: -extended screaming-

I love this so much and the idea of Tim going for a kill shot when being called his full name bc he thinks it’s ra’s is amazing and the fact Damian doesn’t even know that’s what he was doing warms my evil heart^^

Batfamily Nickname Headcanons

Dick and Jason sometimes went by Dickie and Jay when they were younger. Bruce, Dick, Barbara, and Jason, who were around for this period, will occasionally use those nicknames. The younger Bats will not, because “it just feels weird.”

The first time Damian used Tim’s first name, he called him Timothy. Tim, who was incredibly sleep-deprived and in the middle of a League of Assassins case, thought it was Ra’s and reacted poorly (that is to say, he attempted to slash him across the face with his surprise bo staff knife, but Damian was saved by the fact that he’s over a foot shorter than his grandfather). Damian believed that Tim took offense and returned to calling him Drake. Tim filed the incident as a hallucination in his memories. This misunderstanding took an inordinately long time to clear up.

The nickname “B” was coined by an eight-year-old Dick after he accidentally called Bruce “Batman” following a civilian kidnapping. Thankfully, his words were slurred, so Bruce convinced the police he was saying “bad man” about the kidnappers. To avoid this mistake happening again, Dick started using “B” in situations where he wasn’t paying much attention to his words or was uncertain. As he grew older, he didn’t need the crutch anymore due to his compartmentalization skills, but he kept it as an affectionate nickname.

After Dick got into an argument with Bruce and Jason accidentally interfered in Dick’s work, Dick called Jason something in Tamaranean a couple times which basically equates to our understanding of “little shit”. Jason decided it sounded awesome. A couple months later, Jason asked Dick what it meant. Dick, who felt really bad, didn’t want to hurt Jason’s feelings and told him it meant “little brother”. Jason now calls his little brothers that word when talking to Starfire. She never corrects him, because she figures he has the correct translation and knows what he’s saying—Tim and Damian are indeed little shits.