The-con-of-all-cons - Confusion - Tumblr Blog

Should I start posting original headcannons skits and silly comments? I think I should for shits and giggles

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…. Thank you for your time and this masterpiece.

Also live laugh love Bernard<3333

Give me unhinged Timberkon.

Give me Bernard stalking Red Robin the same way Tim stalked batman. Give me stalker Kon, who while stalking Tim when he's overwhelmed by the world, discovers Bernard and chooses to stalk him too- just to sus him out at first, but slowly it becomes an infatuation. He's listening to both their heartbeats at night.

Give me Bernard realising he's being followed because Kon isn't as subtle as he thinks. Bernard stalking SB back, creating a theory board dedicated just to him.

Give me Tim stalking SB when they're at the tower and he's bored. Tim stalking Bernard to make sure he gets home safe. Tim realising that he's not the only one keeping him safe when he spots a flash of red and blue and leather speed off and out of sight. Tim realising that Bernard has been stalking his hero persona, that he has several boards of photos and newspaper clippings about him and Kon, about the bats and the core four.

Give me Kon, who would die for either of them, put himself in the way of immense danger, become stupid and reckless in the name of protecting what he loves. Would sacrifice himself in every scenario to ensure Tim and Bernard are safe.

Give me Tim who would infiltrate the government for his boys, would do anything, hack anything to assure their safety. Would bug their house just to make sure nothing ever happened to them. Would go insane trying to bring them back if he ever failed.

Give me Bernard who would kill for them. Who would readily bloody his hands in the name of love if it ever came to it. Who would use everything he learned in that cult to ruins someone's life if they hurt what was his.

Give me timberkon who's love is so whole, so intense, that it cannot be contained by ethics nor morals.

SCREAMING, KICKING MY FEET, GIGGLING

Hi if it’s not obvious I fucking love Bernard hes so yes and the charecter i kin, bc ofc the character that can threaten writing cringe fanfics is who I say “yes. Me. That one.” To.

I love the idea of them being like this for him and I feel like at his first gala he would be like this but over time bc he is so good at talking for a while(i can tell this boy rants) he’d probably get better at it and eventually be really good at making a charecter to play at events not even bc he needs too but just for funzies^^

i do love the idea of the wayne kids giving bernard shovel talks about taking care of tim and all that but also give me batfam who are just as protective of bernard as they are of each other.

give me bernard, attending his first wayne gala as tim's significant other. having a suit custom tailored and funded by bruce even if bernard insists it's not necessary because he already has one. arriving at the gala anxious because of course he is, it's a goddamn socialite event, but being protected from every side by the wayne kids even when tim is dragged away.

Socialite: Oh, and who might you be?

Bernard: Oh, um, hi. I'm Bernard Dowd, nice to meet you.

Socialite: Dowd? I've never heard of your family before. Who...?

Bernard: I'm not here with my family, miss, I'm here with my boyfriend.

Socialite: ... Boyfriend?

Bernard: Yeah, I'm here with Tim.

Socialite, frowning: Tim... as in Drake-Wayne? He has a boyfriend?

Dick, coming up next to Bernard: He sure does! Bernard here is practically one of ours now, aren't you? He matters to Timmy, so he matters to us.

Bernard: Dick—

Dick: C'mon, let's get you back to Timmy. Farewell, Mrs!

Bernard: I could've handled that.

Dick: All the rules that apply to my siblings during galas apply to you too. I'm sure you could've, but you shouldn't have to. I've got your back too, now, yeah?

Bernard: ... Yeah. Thanks, Dick.

Jason, coming up to Bernard at the bar: Not to freak you out, kid, but there's a guy starin' at ya from the other side of the bar. Y'know him or should I encourage him to look away?

Bernard, startled: Huh? (looks around) Oh. No, I don't know him. Why... is he looking at me like that, actually?

Jason, scowling: 'S just how the slimy fuckers at these events are. Can't keep their eyes off anything that's small, young or pretty. Disgusting. I'll deal with him— where's your annoying other half gone, inferior blondie?

Bernard: Tim? He got pulled away for quote; 'something important' by some lady. He said he'll meet me here after he's done, so I've been waiting.

Jason: Huh. If I see him I'll point him yer way. Hey, don't be 'fraid to ask any of us questions or for help if ya need it. We know the best how daunting this shit can be.

Bernard, genuinely touched: ... Thanks, Jason.

Jason: Yeah, yeah. Don't tell Timmers I said that, though, he'll call me a loser.

Bernard, laughing: I won't.

Bernard, being talked to by several people at once and a bit overwhelmed by the attention: Uh— I'm—

Damian, stepping between him and the socialites: Dowd. I require your assistance.

Bernard: Um— hi, Damian— with what?

Damian: You will see when we get there. Follow me, Drake's more tolerable half.

Bernard: Okay... so what do you need from me?

Damian: Nothing. You seemed to dislike the attention from all of the nosy adults over there. It was the most efficient way of extracting you from the situation.

Bernard: Oh. Thanks, Damian.

Damian: Tt, don't thank me yet, Dowd. I am still criticising your choice in romantic partners.

Bernard: Didn't you threaten me with a katana to not dampen Tim's mood in any way shape or form?

Damian: Slander. I said quote 'if you make Drake more annoying by breaking his heart I'm going to maim you.' I don't see how you got the message you did from that.

Bernard, grinning: Sure, Damian. Sure.

Love this reminder Bruce is a terrible dad^^ I need more of this:3

Also everything in this is perfect and I love it.

Bruce Wayne, mentor to many- father to none.

I want the angst of B having to come to terms that he doesn't know ANY of his kids not anymore at least and maybe never and the fact his kids are just- used to it?

Visiting Dicks apartment, he finds a picture of him smiling while surrounded by a bunch of little kids in spandax uniforms. Turns out he'd been a gymnastics instructor for about four years now and his most recent team had everyone qualify for state. (Bruce didn't even know he still practiced)

Jason stopped accepting Wednesday night patrols, but when he looked into it he found out that was the night he went to DND nights with his roommates every week. The roommates he met last semester after he decided to go to college and get an english major. (Bruce didn't even know he had applied)

Checking the library he found a small pedastal plague put up by Alfred displaying just one book. It said Cass was the author. Apparently she had gotten super into writing and published a book talking about language deprivation and lack of accomidation for deaf/hoh children born to hearing families. She had a book signing last month, Alfred had gone and grabbed this copy now on display (Bruce didn't even know she liked to write)

Tim finished a case early and let it slip he needed to sign off early to "meet up with his boyfriends" and hung up before Bruce could process. It only took a small glance at his middle child's latest social media post to see him alongside Superboy (what was his name?) and a blonde boy he didn't recognize. Both were leaned in to kiss his cheek and the caption said "Happy 3rd anniversary!!" (Bruce didn't even know he was interested in boys)

Steph's birthday came around and Bruce got her a new account and shoved a couple thousand for her to buy whatever she wanted. But he quickly noticed a pattern of everyone getting her- cat supplies? Apparently She had adopted a cat about a month ago to celebrate her new apartment, Mister Mystery was his name, and she had asked everyone for supplies instead of other gifts. (Bruce didn't even know she had moved)

He decided on some impromptu father-son bonding and tries to track down his youngest. But Damian is nowhere to be found. He gets pretty close to calling an emergency meeting but the moment he messages Oracle she reminds him Damian is in Chicago. Damian had won an art competition at school and his piece qualified for a gallery spot. The entire family had gone days ago and he was due back the next day. (Bruce didn't even know he cared about art)

Then Duke- his youngest in terms of time spent. But one he had grown fond of just as fast as the others. Especially working the day shift the time they spent was limited. Bruce got them both lunch, but it wasn't until halfway through eating that Duke had turned to him with panicked eyes and asked if the stew had shellfish. Duke had a severe allergy, thankfully Jason had been just up the street and had an epi-pen ready before they took him to Leslies. (Bruce didnt even know he had any allergies, let alone one so severe)

The worst part? There was no blow up. His kids didn't take his idiocracy as a personal insult or even raise a fight. They just rolled their eyes and moved on. As everyone crowded in the room, surrounding Dukes bedside he could hear Barbras voice. "Its not your fault, Batman may be omnipotent, but Bruce doesn't know anything really"

He wasnt meant to overhear or maybe he was, Oracle had always been petty But he couldn't refute it.

"But you have us"

Well- thats just it wasnt it? Even when Bruce was absent- his kids had each other. But was that ever meant to be enough?

I LOVE HIM HES AMAZING AND A LITTLE SHIT LIVE LAUGH LOVE DUKE

The Batkids are totally the sort that would start playing with a Ouija board in some abandoned warehouse post patrol or even in their haunted house base of operations and then scream in a panic/collapse/grab onto the nearest sibling because the board just informed them a spirit was present before Bruce silently turned up out of the shadows.

For his part Bruce's very alarmed because he wanted to ask if they wanted him to go pick up some pizza or something. Duke can't stop laughing because he's been manipulating shadows to freak them out and was fully aware that Bruce was about to turn up.

My love for Bernard is insane, like do I enjoy some timkon? Yes ofc, would I much rather see even something on just Bernard and some timber on the side? Of course why even question me I want a Bernard comic of him just going trough his daily routine(I feel like it would be specific at some points and at others just “idk whatever vibes”) me personally I would eat that shit up

“Your sending me mixed signals”💀

“Move im gay” icon really

“SHAZAM” NO DICK YOUR NOT BILLY-

Every superhero needs a terrible catchphrase, what’s each bats (with Alfred being exempt from such ridiculousness of course)?

Dick/Nightwing: “SHAZAM!”

Jason/Red Hood: “Been dead, done that.”

Tim/Red Robin: “Red Robin, yum!”

Damian/Robin: “I am the son of Batman, grandson of Ra’s Al Ghul, heir to the League of Assassins…” etc. etc.

Duke/Signal: “You’re sending me mixed signals here”

Stephanie/Spoiler: “Spoiler alert!”

Cassandra/Orphan: “Don’t worry, this is only gonna hurt a lot”

Barbara/Oracle: “Did someone call for tech support?”

Harper/Bluebird: “Can we fix it? Yes we can!”

Carrie/Batgirl: “YEET!”

Kate/Batwoman: “Move, I’m gay.”

Bruce/Batman: “I am the darkness. I am the night. I am Batman!”

Hes a little shit as always and i require more fics of him, if anyone has any where he’s not horribly mis-characterized (I can handle a decent amount) gimme gimme plz:3

Duke: *is bored at the dinner table*

Duke: Hey Dick, that's a cool jacket. Isn't it Jason's, though?

Jason: Yes, that is my jacket. Why are you taking my jacket?

Dick: What are you talking about?

Jason: You never asked.

Dick: This is literally mine.

Jason: No it's not.

Dick: We have the same jacket.

Jason: No we don't.

Dick: We literally bought the same one.

Dick and Jason: *overlapping stupidity*

Duke: *sits back and enjoys*

SCREAMING FNFBDJDJEJHDJDJDJDJDJFHFHFHFHHDHEHDJDJSJSLSBEODNSKPSDN

The idea, surprisingly, came from Batman. “I just…” Clark sighed. “It’s getting harder and harder to keep up my facade. Clark Kent is who I am, but I can’t not be Superman yknow? And well, I’m running out of excuses.” Oliver nodded sympathetically. “Yeah, I get that.” “Why don’t you just tell them.” Batman interrupted. The two heroes looked at him in surprise. “Tell them?” Oliver asked incredulously. Batman nodded, looking at them as though they were daft. “Yes, tell them.” He sighed, running out of patience when they didn’t understand. “It’s the perfect excuse and if you really stress it then no one will believe you.” Oliver made a face. “Yeah sure Batman.” He drawled sarcastically. “Like you actually do that.” Batman stared at him for a few seconds, then snorted, turned, and walked away. “See?” Oliver muttered, victorious. 

“Clark you have that interview now with Bruce Wayne, he’s one of our biggest sponsors- why aren’t you gone yet?!?!”Perry half screamed as Clark half hazardly packed his satchel and made sure he had enough paper, his tape recorder had enough storage and his pens were working. “I know I know.” He muttered back, slinging it over his shoulder. “Sorry, I’ve never had an interview this late.” He half growled, heading out to grab a cab and head over to Wayne Enterprises, their meeting spot. The taxi driver seemed to sense Clark’s anxiety because he most definitely did not follow the speed limit but Clark was too panicked to tell him to slow down and tossed him a few bills before sprinting up the stairs to WE. “Mr. Kent!” Bruce Wayne greeted warmly, opening the door for him. “Hello Mr. Wayne,” Clark greeted politely, taking his offered seat. “Sorry for being late.” Bruce waved him off, pouring himself and Clark a glass before sitting himself. “It’s no matter, really, your payback for my cutting our last interview short eh?” He winked, handing the glass of water to Clark. Clark sipped it in thanks, opening his notebook. “Yeah… why did you by the way?” He asked. Bruce chuckled. “Clark, darling, didn’t you know? I’m Batman, Justice called.” Clark chuckled, clicking on his pen. “Yes, right, of course.” His eyes caught movement from the corner of his eye and he spotted a woman in a beautiful red dress walking past the window. Before he turned his attention back to his interviewer, a light illuminated the sky. Bruce stood. “Sorry to cut it short again, old friend, but duty calls.” He gestured to the light in the sky before rushing out, coincidentally after the woman. Clark rolled his eyes, packing together his things. “Once a playboy always a playboy.” He murmured, slinging the bag over his shoulder, but before he could walk about Bruce arrived again, hair disheveled, and shirt askew. “Sorry about that,” he murmured, rubbing a hand over his face. “Gordon needed some aid but Robin had it handled.” Clark let his eyes drift only a second over Bruce’s appearance before looking away and taking a seat again. “Robin…” he agreed. “Right. Is that her name?” He muttered quietly, smiling to himself as he dug through his satchel for his pen, missing the smug look the playboy sent him. 

“Ollie!!!!” Oliver Queen grinned, turning to face the overly high pitched male voice calling his name. “Brucie!! It’s been too long!” Bruce laughed, falling into his arms in a hug, voice dropping back to his normal baritone. “It really has been, glad to see you.” Oliver smiled warmly. “I am so pleased to see you too, these Galas get so boring.” Bruce chuckled, eyes scanning the crowd of party goers. “Well, you’re always welcome to seek me out at these sorts of things bud, except when I’m working to save the city.” Oliver chuckled, taking a sip of his champagne. “So true.” He agreed. “You’re doing a great job at it too, man.” Bruce smiled wanly. “Thanks. It’s hard work though. Wayne Enterprises in the mornings,” his voice dipped low. “Saving the Gotham citizens as Batman at night.” Oliver choked on his drink, laughing. “Exactly!” Bruce grinned back, almost triumphant. His eye caught some movement at the corner of the dance floor and both men turned, spotting his third oldest son, flicking his wrist in a certain movement. Bruce’s eyes darkened. “Alright Ollie, it was nice catching up, but Justice calls: Gotham needs me.” Oliver chuckled. “Right on.” 

A week later Oliver and Clark once again found themselves chilling in the main den, complaining about the difficulties of keeping their secret identities secret. Batman walked in, listened for two seconds, and promptly groaned. “I told you,” he complained. “Just tell them!” “It’s not that easy! And that defeats the whole purpose of keeping it a secret!” Oliver argued back. Batman looked at him. “I did it. To both of you actually.” Clark snorted. “Yeah right.” Batman turned to him. Suddenly his voice changed pitches. “Mr. Kent! So pleased to see you, sorry to have run out on you earlier, but well! Justice calls, oh, but Robin handled it!” Clark paled. Batman turned to Oliver. His voice went even higher. “Ollie!! It’s been too long my friend, but we’ll have to chat some other time you know how it is, Justice calls!” Oliver turned a strange shade of white. “See?” Batman- no Bruce Wayne said with a smirk. “Easy.” Back at home in the Batcave, the batkids were losing their minds. 

(Yes they placed bets)

The idea they use him as different expressions warms my soul:} like I’ve seen two kinds of posts like this and both are canon in my head

“Dont be a Richard about it dang”

Richard=dick when one of them is being rude

“That was such a dick move”

Dick=good for when they do something dick would do or approve of

I love both of them it’s such a silly idea:3

Since the batkids are so well introduced to their lovely older brother, and they work closely with kids/younger heroes on occasion, many of the Batfam have learned to substitute a certain curse word for names. A name, to be precise-

Red Robin: dang it Hood! Stop undermining me! Red Hood: I’m not! You just have bad plans. Red Robin: gods you're such a Richard ~ Robin: *says something pouty* Batman: theres no need to be Richardy about it Robin.  ~ Spoiler: hey Oracle, you find it yet? Oracle: hold on I’m looking Spoiler: hurry up, I’m about to lose him Oracle: spoil stop that's not helping  Orphan: *signing* yeah you're being a richard, shes trying ~ Red Hood: hey richardhead, nice going, you lost me my goons Nightwing: fuck off

Dick of course, is most insulted by this, but habits rub off, so…

Nightwing: I had it under control Batman. No need for your interference Batman: ah yes. My favorite, losing a fight=under control. I forget Nightwing: okay no need to be a Richard about it Batman: *grins* Nightwing: OOOH I hate all of you

Love this sm and the idea of duke having so many random ass stims is my favorite thing ever.

Also to make this post worst(read: better) the second I read this my brain supplied that Bruce picked it up from two face/harvey and dent can still be seen doing it once or twice before he flips the coin

Your welcome^^

Headcannon that Bruce spins a coin constantly. He’s such an antsy, fidgety guy, just imagine him, impatiently twirling a coin across his knuckles while he waits for the computer to load. While he’s tied to bed rest. Any time and anywhere he is spinning that coin. And Dick naturally picks up on it, sitting on the table next to Bruce who’s typing at the batcomputer with one hand, twirling a coin with the other, watching his fingers intently and trying to copy it. And of course the coin falls so many times but he keeps at it and can do it just as aptly as Bruce. And it’s common for Bruce, on his way to the watchtower, to just take dicks hand and twirl the coin onto his knuckles and dick doesn’t even look up, just keeps twirling and calls out a ‘bye dad’ because Batman can’t have ticks or common habits, not in the league. And Jason sees dick do it one time and just has to be like his big brother so he learns, easier than dick did because he’s a street kid and as a thief you learn stuff like that. And Tim sees Robin and Batman doing it and learns while he’s still watching them, twirling a coin from an opposite rooftop while recording them. Steph learns how to do it because she got hurt and Bruce sat with her while she was confined to bed rest and taught her and she also just wanted to one up Tim. Babs learns because at this point it’s a rite of passage, plus she and dick are very competitive and while he was learning she just had to learn quicker. Damian sees them all doing it and must learn, it is a Robin thing after all. Duke already knows how to do it when he joins the family and all of them kinda hate him for it but not really. Of course Alfred knows how to do it. 

The sound of coins jangling is associated with Batman and any villain or goon that hears it immediately shits their pants. (They can no longer go to the bank it’s so bad)

REAL!!!!! ME!!!!! I’m like this with duke and dick my love for them knows no bounds and like when my mom interrupts me she matches my vibe and it’s amazing have a mother quote

“Oh he trained with an mercenary? I bet he makes a killer sandwich with those chopping skills”

“he’s killed the joker? That’s sick I hate the joker”

My toxic trait is that my favoritism for Dick Grayson has no bounds.

STOPPPPP I LIVE ON THE LATE WAYNES X ALFRED ACCUSATIONS-

Duke supremacy as always,

And I find it funny that there’s absolutely nothing to say about dick bc his civilian persona is perfect

And or the media doesn’t see him as a Wayne which would break him^^<3

Wayne Family Scandals headlines

Bruce Wayne is the masked singer?

Duke Thomas' viral dance moves

Tim and Duke's controversial podcast takes

Does Talia Wayne love her husband's antics or does she hate them?

Jason Todd's "cooking" show?

Youngest Wayne grounded for life after stealing parent's car and driving him and his friend, Jon Kent, to Batburger

Alfred Pennyworth: The Wayne family butler's rebellious past

Is Bruce Wayne cheating on his wife?

Talia Wayne laughs at the accusations that her husband is cheating on her.

Brucie Wayne is violent: Bruce Wayne has shown to get physical when someone insults his wife, their relationship and their kids.

Jason Todd pushes Tim Drake off a cliff!?!?!

Stephanie Brown broke up with Tim to date his sister Cassandra????

Stephanie and Tim back together??

Tim Drake's ex-girlfriend, Stephanie Brown hates Bruce Wayne?!

Talia Wayne cheating on her husband with Batman?

Batman clears up his "side piece" allegations

Thomas Wayne cheating on his wife with their butler?

Martha Wayne cheating on her husband with their butler?

I don’t normally ship Thalia and Bruce bc I see them as a slightly different dynamic but I love the way this is put sm and it makes me happy^^

The kids are chaotic and with no idea how they ended up in this situation Talia and Lois did a Wife Swap. Which is very entertaining as Talia canonically have beef with the Superfamily.

Alfred: Going morning Mrs. Lane, apologies that Master Bruce and the kids can not greet you right now. They are training.

Lois: What do you mean training? It's 6 AM.....

Clark: Good morning....Talia.

Talia: Good morning Kent. Though we don't get along I apologize for interrupting your training session.

Clark: Training session? It's 6 AM in the morning.

Talia: Judging by your comment I assume the children are still asleep?

Clark: Yes....because it's 6 AM.

Lois: Does everyone always argue with each other every minute?

Batfamily: We're not arguing!

Lois: Yes you are, my family tends to talk things out calmly.

Jason: We're not arguing it's called playful banter

Lois: Sure....

Jon: Why are you dressed like that?

Talia: Dressed like what?

Kon: Dressed so fancy... we're going to do farm work.

Talia: I am aware of that. This is my farm work attire. Thank you very much.

Clark, Kon and Jon: ......

Lois: Sooooo what do you and Talia do together?

Bruce: Sometimes we like to sit beside each other reading a book in silence.

Lois: ......

Bruce: .......

Lois: Oh! You're serious!

Kon: I was thinking of getting a nose piercing but mom and dads disapprove or whatever

Talia: I reccomend a nose piercing. They are really cute and I have one.

Kon: Coolll

Clark: TALIA STOP TRYING TO INFLUENCE MY CHILD

Lois to the Batfamily: I've always thought that you guys are dysfunctional but looking at it up close makes me realize you are far beyond that.

HOLY SHIT I AGREE THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER BOTH OF YALL ARE AMAZING HFJDBFKDBFJFBFJRBR

I like the idea that he would do this like with a schedule to Bruce like two times a week at specifically 6:45 and he never misses.

But aside from that I feel like jason would fling him over his shoulder bc it’s “easier to travel with” when they’re out and Damian complains the entire time and goes limp in hopes of making it at least inconvenient.

And for dick I can picture him doing the swingy thing some ppls parents did with them where they use momentum and swing the kid by both their arms up to their chest or hip and just hold them there, my dad did this thing where he somehow would swing me so I almost did a flip and would finish with me on his shoulders sitting or sometimes standing so I could feel taller and I feel like Damian would like that bc it wouldn’t make him feel inferior and it gives small adrenaline that I think he would secretly find fun^^

Dick: were you even a Robin if you haven’t climbed up Bruce and sat on his shoulders?

(Later)

Bruce: Hello Damia- What are you doing??

Damian (arms crossed sitting on Bruce’s shoulders): fulfilling my duties as Robin, what does it look like I’m doing?

My sillies before most of their intresting trates!! I love them sm^^

17 year old Dick: I don't know if I'm the best or worst brother in the world for getting you up in the middle of the night to eat ice cream with me

12 year old Jason: [mouth full of ice cream] Best

17 year old Dick: Aww, what do you know? You're all hopped up on sugar. More sprinkles?

12 year old Jason: Yes, please

Loosing my shit over this. I love it.

Damian would be fully in charecter too and I think they could collectively successfully gasslight the hell out of everyone and then just continue it when B comes back behind his back so he doesn’t know how they convinced ppl it was normal(or maybe to the point they could hide Damian ever was the one who played Batman, I feel like if they wanted to they could lie to Batman and hide the evidence enough that he thinks dick covered for him and not his 10-14 year old)

"Dick should be Batman when Bruce is away/incapacitated" "Cas should be Batman then, she's best figher" "Jason is build similarily, so he should take the cowl when Bruce is out" .... Listen guys, the only real answer is the funniest one, which is that Damian, in all his 150cm (4.9 ft) glory should be Batman when Bruce is in space/away, with his siblings having all the fun acting as there is nothing different about Batman, or making up the craziest excuses to both villains and other heroes (who are not well aquainted with the batfam) as to why batman is like that.

"Why is Batman... small" "Small? He's not small, he's just far away." " He's standing right here." "That's what YOU think"

"I'm not crazy, Batman looks tiny" "He always looks like that, only you guys usually have concussion when you see him"

"Batman looks... different" "Okay I'm gonna be honest with you. He's molting." "Molting" "Well, he IS a bat" "Bats don't MOLT" "Not all bats." "I don't think that any bats molt" "I don't know what to tell you man, he's a bat, he's molting, and in a week or so he'll drop his smaller skin and be bigger and badder than ever"

"What happened to Batman?" "This is your lesson never to eat this vitamin gummies for kids as an adult"

Hehehehehe>:D I’m honestly not completely sure he’s human but I love him too much to care^^

Justice League scenario where they meet little tiny Dick Grayson as Robin and immediately start taking bets on what on earth he is because the answer is obviously not human.

Green Lantern: I think Bats made a genetic clone of himself. One of his contingency plans, you know? If something happens to him, he has a well trained double to take his place eventually.

Green Arrow: No way! I refuse to believe anything that shares genetics with Batman could smile. I bet he's an alien that Batman found and ran tests on. I mean, have you seen the kid? I don't think he has bones.

Flash: Alien is a possibily, but have you seen the stuff the comes out of Gotham? I bet he just materialized out of the shadows one day. His smile scares me, I think he has to be a demon of some sort.

Dick Grayson, hanging upside down from a hanging light above them, where he has been silently eavesdropping the entire time: I am a normal human boy.

Lantern, Arrow, and Flash: -extended screaming-

I love it oh so so much when ppl appreciate how mentally ill my boy is^^ he could and should crack at any moment and go bat shit insane(haha get it?) and I live that abt him:3

Nightwing being seen as the silly happy sibling of the bats is so funny to me. bro is holding on by a thread at any given time and has insane murder baby training but just hides it with his little :3 puppy face. bro really was out there bullying batman into letting him beat people up as a kid. Jason, wally, and Roy are some of the only ones who Know™ about the insanity but nobody believes them

I love this so much and the idea of Tim going for a kill shot when being called his full name bc he thinks it’s ra’s is amazing and the fact Damian doesn’t even know that’s what he was doing warms my evil heart^^

Batfamily Nickname Headcanons

Dick and Jason sometimes went by Dickie and Jay when they were younger. Bruce, Dick, Barbara, and Jason, who were around for this period, will occasionally use those nicknames. The younger Bats will not, because “it just feels weird.”

The first time Damian used Tim’s first name, he called him Timothy. Tim, who was incredibly sleep-deprived and in the middle of a League of Assassins case, thought it was Ra’s and reacted poorly (that is to say, he attempted to slash him across the face with his surprise bo staff knife, but Damian was saved by the fact that he’s over a foot shorter than his grandfather). Damian believed that Tim took offense and returned to calling him Drake. Tim filed the incident as a hallucination in his memories. This misunderstanding took an inordinately long time to clear up.

The nickname “B” was coined by an eight-year-old Dick after he accidentally called Bruce “Batman” following a civilian kidnapping. Thankfully, his words were slurred, so Bruce convinced the police he was saying “bad man” about the kidnappers. To avoid this mistake happening again, Dick started using “B” in situations where he wasn’t paying much attention to his words or was uncertain. As he grew older, he didn’t need the crutch anymore due to his compartmentalization skills, but he kept it as an affectionate nickname.

After Dick got into an argument with Bruce and Jason accidentally interfered in Dick’s work, Dick called Jason something in Tamaranean a couple times which basically equates to our understanding of “little shit”. Jason decided it sounded awesome. A couple months later, Jason asked Dick what it meant. Dick, who felt really bad, didn’t want to hurt Jason’s feelings and told him it meant “little brother”. Jason now calls his little brothers that word when talking to Starfire. She never corrects him, because she figures he has the correct translation and knows what he’s saying—Tim and Damian are indeed little shits.

YES MENTION HOW INSANE HE IS IN FOCS MORE PLEASEEEEEE

I need more of how he trained with deathstroke in stuff bc im pretty dang sure the batfam just doesn’t know about it(along with them not knowing 90% of his character)

And to add to this on a silver plate I hand you

✨spyral arc✨ just the entirety of that and that one part where he just casually knows the weaknesses of the entire JL by memory enough to the point where he just told it to someone so they could win a fight.

Live laugh love mentally insane dick Grayson

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We don’t see Insane Nightwing enough for my tastes like:

This mf listens to NO ONE if he doesn’t want to and everyone just goes “omg what a great leader always with a better plan.”

Argues with fucking BATMAN of all people and is not a stranger to winning said arguments.

Has been kicking villain ass since 8 years old and can figure out what your great-great-great aunt twice removed was doing on April 16, 1721 and will use it as blackmail for your entire bloodline.

Probably still uses Facebook.

Would 100% wear Velcro Lightning McQueen light-up sketchers and outrun you in them only to do a quadruple backflip at the finish line as his victory dance.

He knows the exact behavior patterns and personalities of his entire team/family/coworkers and can plan their movements/reactions to near perfection in almost any circumstance. Has used this to prank them.

Learned how to cook out of spite to prove to Bruce he could live on his own (after one of the aforementioned fights. Also, after proving he could live on his own, was not immediately alerted to his little brother’s passing because Bruce has a Complex).

“Tim! Tie your shoes when you walk down the stairs you could trip and get hurt!” “You literally just got shot please worry about yourself for once??”

Has trained under Batman’s pacifistic “no killing” policy and then also fucking Deathstroke the Assassin and Mercenary. Neither one was particularly kind to his psyche

Killed the joker but imo was very justified and not insane at all. But also just sort of just… let blockbuster get killed that one time. Has also killed others

The whole vampire series??? I still haven’t read that one yet but everything I’ve heard about it has been against my will

Has had beef with multiple children (special shoutout to Jason Todd)

Somehow made peace with his family after Bruce allowed all of his other children to don the name Robin, which was given to Dick by his Very Dead mother (and of which the meaning how now been diluted and the connection to his parents severed)

Please add on to this if yall think of anymore bc I just know that man has his Moments

Yes.

…WHAT RHE HECK ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY TO THIS ITS SIMPLY CORRECT AND ABSOLUTELY DICK IS BOTH GOLD AND SILVER BC WHY THE HELL NOT

TIM DRAKE’S HEROES: A Comprehensive List

1) ✨Dick Grayson✨

2) Whatever mantle ✨Dick Grayson✨ is wearing

3) Tony Hawk 🛹

4) Billie Joe Armstrong

5) Crocky the Crocodile

6) Blue Beetle (Ted Kord)

7) and, uh… Batman, I guess?

THE IAN GUNTHER REFF IS CRAZY- but yes I need dick getting volunteered to go to the Olympics by literally everyone but bc he’s the only one refusing to he doesn’t go, but Tim posting it is something I can see very clearly in my head^^

In universe, Dick Grayson's equivalent of Bruce dropping out of med school is absolutely everyone demanding to know why he didn't go to the Olympics with his gymnastics abilities.

Yes. Just yes. And please 🧎

I think it would be an incredibly funny idea to give Dickie an existential crisis for a week because he takes a test for the metagene as a joke and it comes back positive. "I FUCKING KNEW IT," says every single Robin that could never do even half of his flippiest flippy flippy bullshit

The punchline is, of course, that after more testing they find out his acrobatic skills have nothing to do with his actual superpower. Which is something that only flew under the radar all his life cause Dick didnt know it wasnt normal. Like... idk, aura reading or better night vision or something. A very "wait, you mean everyone else can't do that?" moment

All the other Robins are once again devastated, Dick is very smug. Do you see my vision