How Do I Explain

How do I explain

That I have a desperate need

To be held tight and safe

But that I am exhausted

To the point of rotting

And can’t reach out to you

Any more than a twitching finger

On a half extended arm

So if you find

You have a day or two free

Please come, slowly, into my life

And offer whatever life you can spare

Or even just some contact

I would happily spend months

Safely wrapped in your arms

untrue.

somethimes I think damn I really am just a fucking idiot

Straightjacket safe

In the second place

That doesn’t feel like home

not dying btw, just… disappearing

no more

no more talking

no more texting

no more late night calls

no more six hour conversations

it’s been a fun time

but I love you all too much

to weigh you down

I need to be Dead or I need to be happy. I will accept no substitutes (except maybe cake) and no inbetweens.

In person

Seems the safest way to interact

Texting means a degree of separation

That’s felt all the more keenly now

The miles stretch out like patchwork nerves

Raw distance bloody with words unsaid

I long for the day

That I can call you all home

Either as one house or separate ones

Scared I’ll never see that day

Longing to never see the sunrise

Tonight I’ll hold on

Held safe by promises of another

Another hug

Another joke

Another reason