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Illustrations by Francis Livingston

I think my favorites are the crossed-out ones. ... Crunch poop.

So I got a detention today.

Which is kinda dumb because I’m (mostly) a model student, you know? And get this - Heres what Im in for: I said…*whispers* a swear word in class. 60 minutes of punishment for the phrase: “That’s really shitty.”

So this is how it went down: I’m sitting in math class last hour before break and my teacher hands me a little slip saying that i gotta go see the vice principal. And im thinking, “damn, i thought she forgot about that.” The horrible cuss word was uttered a few days beforehand and, well, i figured she didnt even remember. I walk down there (in my full-body cat kigurumi btw) and mrs. Whatever isnt there. So i mull around and steal a candy cane off the offices mini fake tree (Im already in trouble anyways so gotta go big or go home) until finally, i talk to the desk lady who calls the vice principal down. We walk into the room and start to have a chat about how our high school doesnt tolerate swears bluh bluh etc and that i should find alternatives to cussing. Thats where this picture comes in. This lady just fucking WHIPS this goddamn list out of nowhere and shows it to me in a completely serious manner. “Heres some examples of words you can use when you want to swear.” W H A T.

Goof nugget? Sweet onions? Shooby Darn??? Pokemon??????

And here she is in all seriousness and im trying not to laugh while asking if i can have a photocopy because this is actual comedic GOLD. This sort of phooey doesnt actually happen in real life, right? I mean holy snappin turtles what the frog is this Skikaka? Jumpin Jiminy, Public school is bogus!

We constantly eat chemicals. We drink chemicals. We breathe chemicals. We are FULL of chemicals. We are literally MADE OF CHEMICALS. People who accuse things of being “full of chemicals” confuse the hell out of me. Of course they’re made out of chemicals What did you expect? Radio waves? Light? Anti-matter?

Here are some sources on the subject. Though no two of them seem to agree 100%, most of the data looks fairly similar, which is significant, considering they were likely using different types of bananas(I also am unfamiliar with most of these sources, and therefore cannot vouch for their credibility, but they appear to be legitimate): http://www.scopemed.org/?mno=15069 http://www.researchgate.net/publication/233758534_Article_6/file/9fcfd50b4875a31318.pdf http://bicol.da.gov.ph/Opportunities/banana%20profile/topic1.html http://nutritiondata.self.com/facts/fruits-and-fruit-juices/1846/2

so much for the “if you can’t pronounce the ingredients you shouldn’t eat it” thing am i right?