I Have Too Many Ideas And I Can't Write Them Fast Enough.

I have too many ideas and I can't write them fast enough.

Finding Myself, Finding You: Chapter Five

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AO3 link

Story is 18+ for mature content/themes, minors do not interact please

TW/CWs for this story--implied/referenced past rape, canonical violence, non-canonical violence, blood, gore, referenced past suicide, swearing, surgery, excessive drinking, nightmares, panic attacks, mention of scars, vomiting, amputation, medical procedures, non-con medical procedures, referenced past medical torture, referenced past drugging, attempted sexual assault, panic attacks, mental health struggles, referenced sibling death, referenced parent death

Each chapter will have its own TW/CWs listed

This story, Lydia Vector, her family & bestie (c) me, TheVeganDarkElf

TWD & its characters (c) AMC & Robert Kirkman, the writer of the comic series

TW/CWs for this chapter--swearing, typical TWD violence (killing walkers), Daryl being kind of mean, mentions of a sex toy, mentions of blood (if you squint, maybe?)

Word count: 2.4k

After some time, Eric brought breakfast upstairs, and we spent probably a few hours there, just chatting and getting to know each other. They told me about how they met, their families, how they ended up in Alexandria. I told them about my family, some of the things I’d seen working in the ER, my best friend on the other side of the country. They also told me more about the other residents of Alexandria. It was nice to just be able to sit back and shoot the shit with other people. To be able to commune with my fellow humans again, to spend hours simply talking with other people--it brought me a feeling of peace that I didn’t know would be possible again in a world like this.

Eventually, there was a knock on their front door, and Eric got up to answer it. Shortly thereafter, there was an additional set of footsteps coming up the stairs.

“Vector!” I heard Rick call out. I cocked my head back as I heard him step into the room.

“‘Sup cowboy?” I asked him. Aaron chuckled softly. “Are my medical services required?” He shook his head.

“I want you to go out on a run with Daryl,” he explained. I felt my breath catch in my throat, and those butterflies from this morning returned and continued their dance in my stomach.

“Hmm-what?” I choked out.

“A short one. I think it’d be good for you to see what they’re like. Since you’re our medic, you won’t really be going outside the walls if we can help it,” he said. I let you a small sigh and nodded.

“Does this mean I can have my weapons back?”

“Yes, they’re all downstairs.”

“Kay, I’ll be down in a sec,” I replied. I felt Aaron place a hand on my shoulder as Rick made his way down the stairs. I grabbed a couple rolls of gauze and pads, as I always like to have some on my person. The rest were left on the nightstand next to Aaron. I looked back over my shoulder and saw him smiling at me. “Don’t say anything. I want to throw up. Now do you remember the medication instructions?”

“Sure do,” he replied. I put my backpack over my shoulders and propped myself up to my feet.

“If you need anything, I should be back soon,” I said, then lowering my voice to a whisper, “wish me luck.”

“You’ll be fine,” he assured. I gave him a small smile before turning and heading down the stairs. I grabbed my weapons off the table, sliding my leg holster back on and putting one of the guns in it. I stopped and thanked Eric for their hospitality before heading outside.

There was no sign of Daryl, so I started making my way to the front gate. As I passed by our place, though, he and Rick came outside.

“The new girl? Ya serious?” Daryl said, clearly irritated.

“She claims to have amazing combat skills,” Rick responded, looking over at me, “let her prove it.” I folded my arms across my chest and locked eyes with Daryl, shoving the flutters back down into my stomach.

“I mean, if you really want, I can prove it right now. Unless you're scared” I smirked, “and don’t worry. When you get bit, I can amputate your foot as well.” Daryl shoulder-checked Rick as he walked past us, his crossbow swaying against his back. I looked back at Rick and gave him an “oh no” face.

“Thoughts and prayers,” I mouthed, crossing my fingers and turning to follow Daryl to the front gate.

I spent the short walk trying not to throw up. My anxiety was through the roof, and I started overthinking about what I would say. A gentle breeze blew through his hair. It looked so soft, which complimented how rugged the rest of his appearance was. Near the front gate, there was a small car waiting for us. I was under the assumption we would be walking, but hopefully, a car meant that there would be a good amount we would be bringing back. I buckled myself up, and once the ok was given to open the gate, we were off. I didn’t know where we were going, but he seemed to. My eyes fell to my rope scars, and feeling triggered, I pulled my knife out and whipped it open, holding the handle and resting it on my leg pointing upwards. I guess Daryl could see it in his peripheral vision.

“I ain’t gonna hurt ya,” he said, keeping his eyes ahead of him.

“I don’t know that,” I replied, looking over at him and eyeing him up and down. He had his left arm resting on the windowsill, right hand on the steering wheel. He looked so calm, like this was just another day for him, like he’d done this a thousand times. Like the world hadn’t completely fallen apart around him. Just the sight of him made me swoon.

“Don’t ya think if I wanted, Id’da done somethin’ already?”

“I guess, yeah.”

There was silence for what felt like ages. Uncomfortable silence. Usually, I wasn’t one to be bothered by such a thing, but this time was different. I wanted to get to know this beautiful human. I wanted to know that he didn’t hate me.

“So…Daryl…what, uh…what did you do…before…before all of this?” He didn’t say a word, didn’t even look at me. I was already kicking myself.

“Well, I guess I’ll talk about myself then. I was literally a month away from finishing my residency, and my brothers were home from deployment. I think the last surgery I did was a skin graft for a burn victim. Uh, my favorite color is blue—“

“Why?” I was surprised to hear anything come out of him, let alone a question that would allow the conversation to continue.

“Oh, uh, I guess I’d never thought about that. Maybe beca—“

“No, why are ya still goin’ on?” I leaned back and stared out the passenger window. That one did sting a little bit. I figured maybe talking about the world before all of this may have been a touchy subject.

“Ooh, do you wanna see my more unique weapon?” If he didn’t want to talk, I thought I could potentially get a laugh out of him. I put my knife away and reached into my bag, moving shit around until I grabbed it and pulled it out. I held it up, making a semi-enthusiastic face.

“The hell’s that?” he asked.

“It’s a vibrator,” I said, smacking the top part against my hand, “it doesn’t work, but you hit ‘em upside the temple with this end, and they’re down. Plus, there’s just something so woman about stabbing a Walker through the eye with a sex toy.” I smiled, hoping maybe he’d at least chuckle or giggle a little. But nothing. I put the vibrator back in my bag, feeling defeated.

After another period of silence that felt like ages, we pulled up to a small pharmacy in the middle of nowhere. It looked rather desolate, so there hopefully wouldn’t be too many Walkers to deal with. I turned to Daryl as he slowly pulled up and put the car in park.

“You’re not much of a talker, are you?”

“Smart girl. No wonder you’re a doctor.” I was a bit taken aback. It was like he was being snide…but also kind of complimenting me at the same time? And I quite liked when he called me “smart girl.”

“I think you should talk more, Daryl.” I swallowed hard before continuing. “I like your voice. I could listen to you talk all day.” I opened my door and quickly hopped out, unsheathing my spear and looking around to make sure the coast was clear. I turned back and looked into the car, seeing him still sitting there, this time staring at me. ”Are you coming or not?” I shut the door and started making my way towards the pharmacy. I heard him get out, close his door, and lock the car.

He stepped ahead of me and pried the sliding doors open just enough for us to fit through. The only light that illuminated the small building was coming in from the front door and the windows around the top. He start slowly heading inside, his soft footfalls hardly making a sound.

“Hold on, I got this,” I whispered. I whistled loudly, the sound echoing off the walls. I heard some shuffling, and a few Walkers appeared from a couple different aisles, slowly sauntering their way toward us.

“Are ya stupid?” Daryl scolded.

“Rick wanted me to prove my combat skills, so that’s what I’m doing,” I explained.

I stepped by him and launched my spear forward at the first one, hitting it square in the forehead. I yanked it out and propped myself up onto one of the shelves to the left, climbing up it like a small ladder and flinging myself over the top to the next aisle. I landed on my feet and whipped around to the next Walker, stabbing up through the bottom of its jaw and through the top of its head. I dropped my spear with it as it fell and ran to the one behind it, taking it out with my knife. Lastly, I ran back to the aisle that was to the right of the one I started in. This last one was a bit taller than me, so I backed up to take a slight running head start. I launched myself into the air and dropkicked the Walker to the ground, using my knife to finish it off. Once I was sure it was finished, I wiped the knife off on this Walker’s shirt and walked back to Daryl. He looked surprised that not only had I finished them off which such speed, but I did it by myself. Before either of us could say anything, another one rounded the corner and started coming at us.

“Oh, looks like I missed one,” I said, turning back to Daryl and making eye contact with him. I threw my knife back over my shoulder, hitting the Walker in the head and hearing their limp body fall to the ground. “You’re welcome.” I smirked and maintained eye contact for a moment. His eyes were the most stunning shade of blue I’d ever seen. I thought for just a second about being flirty and saying that my favorite color is blue because it’s the color of his eyes, but I didn’t have the guts to be that forward. I had already made the comment about his voice, which could be interpreted as flirty, and I didn’t even know what possessed me to do that.

I turned back to retrieve my knife, and he headed over to the opposite side of the building to check for other people who may have been hiding out. I headed to the right side to do the same. Once we knew for sure the coast was clear, we started scavenging for things.

“Aw hell yeah,” I exclaimed, picking up a box off of the ground, “I found tampons!” I heard Daryl make a sound from a few aisles over. I couldn't decipher whether it was a scoff or a chuckle. “Listen, you try bleeding out of a hole in your body every 4 weeks with almost no way to really deal with it. This shit is like gold for women now.” I shoved the box into my bag and grabbed another one that I could see. I heard him putting things into what I guessed was a box that he found. We rummaged around for a bit before I found another thing to be excited about.

“Holy shit, is that a can of soup?” I picked up the lone can of tomato soup and tossed it into my bag. I stood up and got on my tiptoes to look over the aisles. I could see Daryl a couple of aisles away. “Everything looks incredible when you’ve been surviving off of freeze-dried astronaut food for longer than you can remember.” I walked my way over to the actual pharmacy section of the store, hoping I’d be able to scrounge up more painkillers and antibiotics. We got lucky, and I was able to find those things, as well as barbicide, bandages, anti-itch cream, and a myriad more.

I stood up, fanning myself off. It was scorching in there, and there was almost no airflow. The only air coming in was from the front door, which I was nowhere near. My chest was already lifted from the sports bra I was wearing, but I used my forearms to lift them a bit more, trying to get literally any airflow underneath to help myself cool off.

“You wanna know what’s annoying about having breasts, Daryl?”

“Nah, but I’m sure ya gonna tell me anyway.”

“It’s like having two heat packs strapped to the front of your body at all times, and there’s nothing you can do about it,” I explained, “it’s fucking hot up in this bitch.” A bead of sweat dripped down behind my glasses and into my eye.

“Well we about cleared the place out,” he said, coming in through the pharmacy door, “help me grab this.” I nodded and followed him out. He had found four boxes that he used to fill with various items.

“Wow, we really did luck out,” I said, grabbing two of them and stacking them on top of each other, lifting them from the handles of the one on the bottom, “I mean, it’s obvious why.” We started heading back to the car, looking around out the front door to make sure the coast was clear first.

“Why?” He popped the trunk open and set the boxes he was carrying down, scooting over so I could place mine in.

“Because I’m a good luck charm,” I joked, “maybe I should come out on these runs more often. And don’t forget to tell Rick that my combat skills are exactly as good as I say they are.”

For half a second, I swear I thought I saw him blush, just a little, but he turned away too quickly for me to get a good look.

*playing twister*

Rick: Right hand red.

Daryl: *ends up on top of Y/N*

Y/N: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?

Rick: I stopped spinning like 15 minutes ago. Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice.

I'm crawling out of the sewer to say it again: don't let anyone stop you from writing what you want to write.

Don't let people saying your writing is too 'self indulgent' stop you.

Don't let people saying your writing is 'not original enough' stop you.

Don't let people saying 'you shouldn't write this' stop you.

Write what compels you.

Finding Myself, Finding You: Chapter Seven

Masterlist

AO3 link

Story is 18+ for mature content/themes, minors do not interact please

TW/CWs for this story--implied/referenced past rape, canonical violence, non-canonical violence, blood, gore, referenced past suicide, swearing, surgery, excessive drinking, nightmares, panic attacks, mention of scars, vomiting, amputation, medical procedures, non-con medical procedures, referenced past medical torture, referenced past drugging, attempted sexual assault, panic attacks, mental health struggles, referenced sibling death, referenced parent death

Each chapter will have its own TW/CWs listed

This story, Lydia Vector, her family & bestie (c) me, TheVeganDarkElf

TWD & its characters (c) AMC & Robert Kirkman, the writer of the comic series

TW/CWs for this chapter--swearing, alcohol consumption (nothing excessive but Vector does get tipsy to the point she's dizzy)

Word count: 2.3k

“Oh my God, Vector, you have to tell us everything now. Have you talked to him much?” Rosita asked. She was beaming. I was beginning to regret the second glass of wine, let alone the third one in my hand. I set it down on the counter behind me, afraid that if I continued, I’d say some things I didn’t want to share.

“I mean, you know him, he doesn’t really like to talk. Rick sent the two of us on a run this morning. Talked a little bit, but nothing crazy.”

“You were alone with him outside the walls?” Michonne gushed, bouncing Judith up and down on her leg. Even the little baby, though she couldn’t understand what was happening around her, looked excited for me.

“Oh shut up,” I scoffed, “like I said, it was nothing crazy. We headed out, I tried to start a conversation, he shut me down, I showed off my combat skills because Rick told him to have me “prove them,” we got the shit and talked a little on the way back.” I paused for a moment, picking up my glass and taking another sip. I had decided I would need liquid courage if I was going to make it out of this conversation alive.

“Were you flirty at all?” Rosita asked. I felt my cheeks beginning to turn red again.

“I’m not drunk enough for this,” I replied, tilting my head back and consuming the rest of my glass in one swig. I set it down again, this time not going to have another one. “I may or may not have told him that he should talk more because I like his voice…and that I could listen to him talk all day. Do you think that was too much?”

I scanned the room, looking at each of my new friends. Their jaws were on the floor, their mouths upturned into giddy smiles. They kept their eyes locked on me as I adjusted myself in my seat awkwardly. I held my breath, regretting that I had shared such a piece of information with people who were practically strangers, and waited for one of them to say something, anything.

“Oh my God!” Michonne finally exclaimed. I let out the air I was holding. “Well, what did he say?”

“What I imagine is a classic Daryl response, which is nothing.” Rosita got up from her chair to get herself another glass of wine.

“What did you talk about on the way back?” she asked as she passed by me to the kitchen.

I scratched at the skin at the side of my right thumb with my index finger, a habit I often fell to when I was especially anxious. “Umm, it was short. He started it, asked me why I go by Vector. I answered and that was it.”

“Girl! That is a get-to-know-you question. Daryl doesn’t ask those. Of anyone. And he’s the one who started it,” Maggie said. She stopped, briefly looking over my shoulder at Rosita before locking eyes with me again. “What were you doing when Rosita and I got there earlier to get you?”

I took my glass, which Rosita had so kindly filled with water, and sipped at it. “How’s that relevant?”

“Just answer the question.”

“Umm, I was just chilling in my room, sitting my the window, people watching. A butterfly came along at one point and joined me. Sat on my finger for a little, then on my nose before they flew away. Why?”

“Holy fuck, she’s like a goddamn Disney princess,” Rosita commented, plunking herself back into the chair she was occupying.

“How long were you doing that for?”

“Uh, I probably sat by my window for like half a hour. The butterfly situation lasted like five minutes maybe. Then I went to get up and had a damn heart attack because I didn’t realize Daryl was there. He didn’t say anything until I turned around. Again, why?” Maggie and Rosita exchanged excited glances, the same looks they exchanged on our walk over here, before Maggie continued.

“So when we got there, Daryl said he’d go get you. We were waiting for you for a few minutes. I saw him through the cracked door. He was just standing there in your doorway.” Her face was lit up at this point. “He could’ve just yelled for you or let us in to get you. I think he wanted an excuse to see you, talk to you, even for just a second. I think he was watching you the whole time.”

I felt the butterflies in my stomach fluttering like mad at the thought of him standing in my doorway, just watching me having a wholesome, innocent moment with a butterfly. If he indeed was standing there the whole time, what was he thinking about me? Did he think I was some dumb woman who clearly wasn’t cut out to survive the apocalypse? Did he think I was silly and there were better things I could be doing? Or did he think it was, dare I say, cute?

“I don’t know. I don’t even think he likes me. I think I’m being tolerated at best.”

“If he really didn’t like you, you wouldn’t have to guess. You’d know,” Maggie explained, “he’d make it abundantly clear.” Her reassurance, combined with the fact that she’d known Daryl for much longer than me, brought me some comfort. At least it seemed like he didn’t hate me.

“Well, if he wanted to see me or talk to me, he could just do that,” I said, “I don’t bite.”

“Daryl’s a little…too awkward when it comes to that. I don’t think he’s ever been with a woman,” Maggie replied. I cocked my eyebrow at her.

“What about a man?” I asked.

“I don’t think he’s ever been with anyone,” Michonne cut in. I turned my confused expression in her direction. I found it hard to believe that someone as strong, handsome, and mysterious as Daryl hadn’t been with anyone, romantically or otherwise.

“Him? Nah, I don’t believe he’s never been with anyone. Have you seen the man?” I rolled my eyes back and giggled. “He’s gorgeous. I’m sure there’s always been both men and women fawning over him.” They were now giggling at me, my level of tipsiness making itself known. Had I not eaten before coming, I’m sure I would’ve been far more drunk.

The front door handle jiggled, and in came Carl, Rick, and Glenn. Glenn waltzed over to Maggie, practically scooping her up to give her a kiss. Carl gave me a small wave and a “hey Vector” before walking past us to his room, presumably. Rick approached Michonne and gave her a smooch as well, taking Judith before turning to me.

“Makin’ friends Vector?”

“You know it, cowboy.” When I first got here and woke up in the cell, I had asked Rick for his name so I could address him properly, but ever since, I had almost exclusively referred to him as “cowboy.”

“Rick, Glenn, we have a question for you,” Maggie asked them. Michonne and Rosita looked like they were trying to stop themselves from busting out laughing.

“No we don’t.” I was perhaps a bit too quick with my response.

“Do you think Daryl’s ever been involved with anyone romantically? Is that something y’all’ve talked about?” She was trying to suppress her own laughter at this point. Glenn and Rick exchanged glances. Rick took the liberty of responding for both of them.

“He’s never talked about it, we haven't asked. But no, I don’t think he has. Why?” Maggie turned to me and gave me a “see, told you” look. Her diverting her attention to me caused Glenn and Rick to follow, as if her doing so was an answer to Rick’s question. I was probably more red than the brightest tomato any of them had ever seen.

“Does somebody have a little schoolgirl crush?” Glenn teased.

“Are you shitting my dick right now?” I mumbled under my breath, “y’all don’t keep secrets around here, do you?”

“If it makes you feel better, I think I can speak for both Maggie and I when we way we would’ve let it slip to them at some point,” Michonne said. I hopped up off of my stool and walked over to my boots.

“I don’t see how that’s supposed to make me feel better. None of you are to say a word to him about this. Aaron’s the only other one who knows.”

“So almost all of us that really know Daryl know about it?” Rosita laughed.

“I guess, yeah.” I figured Glenn and Rick getting back was the sign that it was time to leave, so I started zipping my boots up. Rosita got up and came to do the same, as did Maggie, Glenn following close behind her. ”Thank you for inviting me to hang with y’all. Now what we discussed in this room stays in this room. This circle is HIPAA compliant. Do I make myself clear?” They all nodded.

“Crystal,” Michonne smiled. I finished putting my boots on and stepped out of the way for the others to do the same. I followed them out the door and down the steps of the front porch after saying goodnight to Rick and Michonne.

“Invite me again when y’all do that,” I said, “but don’t let me drink so much. I’m starting to feel dizzy.” I held my hands out at my sides, just a bit, to help myself as I walked.

“Geez, you really are a lightweight. You gonna be ok?” Maggie asked, placing a hand on my shoulder as we continued.

“Don’t worry, she has a big, strong, handsome man at home that can help her up into bed,” Rosita teased. I was too focused on making sure I didn’t fall over as I walked to come up with a clever response to her snarky remark.

“Oh hush,” was all I could muster up.

Glenn and Maggie’s place was first, and Rosita walked with me the rest of the way to mine, as hers was past me. She made sure I got up the front steps without falling before heading off.

“Hey Rosita?” I slowly turned to her, and she stopped and looked back at me, “y’all are really cool. Thanks for allowing me to come.”

“Anytime. Now just get into bed safe,” she commented, turning and heading off. I slowly approached the front door and tried to be as quiet as possible as I let myself in in case Daryl was asleep.

But he wasn’t. He was standing in the kitchen, and he had just poured himself some whiskey. It smelled like gasoline and only made my dizziness worse. I let the door close softly behind me and carefully lowered myself to the ground to take my boots off.

“The hell ya doin’?” I turned my head in his direction, and by that point I was so dizzy that all I could make out clearly was vague shapes and colors. I could tell he was wearing something black, and he was leaning over the kitchen island, but that was about it.

“I…am a lightweight…and I’m…so dizzy right now…I can barely see you…” I took my shoes out from under me and cautiously stood up, making sure I had my footing before I started walking toward the stairs.

“What’d ya drink?” Daryl asked. My lack of sobriety made me question whether or not the slight hint of concern in his voice was real or if I had imagined it.

“I had…three glasses…of wine…” I replied.

“Jesus, ya really are a lightweight.” I kept my hands out at my sides to maintain my balance, stepping and stopping for a moment before taking another one, “careful goin’ up them stairs now. Fall and break ya neck if ya slip, and I ain’t cleanin’ that up.” I didn’t say or do anything, I just kept my slow pace toward the stairs. As I approached the bottom step, I heard Daryl’s footsteps come around from the kitchen and stand somewhere behind me.

“What are you…doing?” I turned my head to talk back over my shoulder.

“Makin’ sure ya don’t break ya neck. We just got a doctor. Can’t have her gettin’ herself killed that fast.” He swirled his whiskey in his hand. I didn’t notice the sound of ice clinking against the cup. The man took his whiskey neat—couldn’t say I was surprised by that.

I carefully stepped up onto the first step, grabbing onto both sides of the railing with my hands to steady myself. To say I was humiliated would be an understatement. I didn’t need a babysitter, but my low tolerance for alcohol demanded I have one.

“Well this…is…embarrassing,” I said as I continued making my way up the steps.

“Nah, we all get a lil’ too drunk sometimes,” he said, “easy escape in a world like this. Hard not to.” After I was probably halfway up, I heard his footsteps again, this time coming to the bottom of the steps before stopping. When I was almost at the top, he came up the stairs a bit, always making sure to leave a distance of several steps between us. I didn’t know if that was because he was uncomfortable getting too close or he didn’t want me getting uncomfortable with him getting too close. Once I had finally made the long, arduous journey to my bedroom door, I turned back to him. My dizziness was only getting worse, but I could make out the shape of him on the steps, facing my direction.

“Thanks for…not letting me…break my neck…Daryl.” I gave him a tipsy smile and a two-finger salute. “Goodnight.”

“‘Night,” he responded. I shut the door, taking my glasses off and setting them on my dresser before allowing myself to fall back onto the bed. I crawled up toward my pillow and was asleep before my head even touched it.