Damn...It's Been A Minute Since I Was Last Here. Glad To Be Back, Though!

Damn...It's been a minute since I was last here. Glad to be back, though!

I'm thinking I'll change my username, y'know? Freshen up for my comeback, right?

Because my family (aside from my sisters) are under the illusion that I'll be getting married, I Will be buried in a wedding dress.

Thank you

This is going on my Resume under skills when I apply for a second job (because heaven forbid I work one job for a livable wage) :

I can till and plant a 1000 block wheat field in a cuboidal block game in two hours.

(said game being Minecraft)

Idk if this sudden crippling fear of death is something that my Festive Depression has decided to bring along with it this year or if it's because no one is hiding the fact that they don't think my grandpa will live far into the next year, but it's doing me no favors.

Am I gonna use it as motivation? Yes

Is it gonna be looming over me and adding to my already Sky Heavy insecurities and anxieties? Also yes

I've never feared my own death before. I plan to live as long as I can because the people who don't bother with me would be disappointed if I died and I'm too much of a people pleaser to let that happen. I use myself as motivation for people to keep living, so this sudden fear that I just won't wake up one day is....scary.

I don't plan to die. If I do die, it won't be for a while. But I can't help these thoughts for some reason. They creep up on me and pull me into my own head. That's a dangerous place to be.

Randomness that has absolutely nothing to do with anything

I have a trash bag hanging on my doorknob, because I'm a procrastinator and I'm not cleaning my room, but my twin ister comes in and she's like "What the crap is on your door?" so I respond with "My soul." So, being the the 14 year old she is, she said "Well, your soul is trash."

We both broke out laughing for about 5 minutes.

My sleep schedule changed again. It was 23:00 to 06:00 while I was in school. When I graduated, It became an alteration between 02:00 to 11:00 and 00:00 to 09:00. Now, though, it's 21:00 to 01:00

I can work on five hours of sleep. I've done or before! (I've actually worked on less, but that's not the point) Granted, though, those shifts were all only a few hours after I woke up. (I work mostly afternoons and evenings, but I have worked mornings and 12 hours)

Will I survive? Probably.

I don't think this schedule will last long, though. Not with Christmas being a few weeks away. Me and my sisters used to get up at the crack of dawn and argue over who had to wake our parents. Then, of course, my oldest sister went to college and me and my twin didn't wake up until 7. Now that we're all adults now, my sister doesn't show until about 10 and no one really wakes up/leaves their rooms until 9ish.

But, I digress.

I kinda want to fall back into the 00:00 to 09:00 schedule, but I doubt that'll happen. I've got mild insomma (not diagnosed) so it makes It hard to go to sleep and stay asleep. I can't force myself to take pills, so I got melatonin gummies to help me stay asleep. That worked for about a month.

Idk where this is going...See ya