To Be Fair, She Had Warned Them. When They Had First Managed To Capture Her She Had Told Them Very Earnestly,Capturing

To be fair, she had warned them. When they had first managed to capture her she had told them very earnestly, “Capturing me won’t give you the glory you seek. Let me go or you will face a Fate worse than Death.” But, of course, none of them had listened. They’d laughed in her face and dragged her to the brig, all while their Captain mocked Alvid for her “pathetic attempt at gaining freedom.” The Captain was a sea hag going by the name Marie that Alvid had tangled with quite a bit over the years. Alvid had thought the woman had more sense, obviously she’d given her too much credit.

They kept her in the brig for a week, occasionally tossing food through the bars. Her only real visitor was Marie who quite happily discussed her plan to execute Alvid. Marie had decided to do so in front of Alvid’s crew, that it would send the perfect message. They just had to catch up with the ship. Marie mocked Alvid for telling her crew to flee. Called them cowards.

“I told them so you’d have a chance to change your mind.” Alvid replied, not bothering to get up from the floor or to even lift her eyes up to Marie’s. She knew even without looking that Marie wouldn’t listen anymore than she had last time. “There’s still time. You and your crew don’t have to die, Marie.

Marie had laughed and she was laughing now as she pushed Alvid further out onto the plank. Across from them, Alvid could see her ship. So close they could have swung from the mast onto Marie’s ship. All of Alvid’s crew stayed perfectly still though. Not a one even twitched. Waiting for Alvid’s orders.

“Any final words?” Marie asked in a sickly sweet voice.

“Last chance. Let me return to my ship and you’ll be spared.” Alvid spoke loud enough for both crews to hear. She held her head high, muscles tensed in anticipation. She purposely didn’t look below. She didn't want them to see the shapes beneath the water, so close to the surface that you could count every suction cup.

Marie shoved her off the plank. Alvid smiled.

She was barely beneath the surface when one of the tentacles gently closed around her. Like a mother handling her newborn, Alvid’s pet lifted her from the water and deposited her on the deck of her ship. Alvid’s crew swarmed her immediately as Marie and her crew looked on in horror. Alvid’s cuffs were undone and a blanket was thrown around her shoulders to battle the cold of the sea.

“I warned you!” Alvid shouted. Marie was very pale now and shaking like a leaf. “Now face your Fate with dignity!”

It took less than five minutes for the kraken to destroy Marie’s ship. Three of those minutes were spent grabbing and throwing random members of the crew. Finally, it wrapped its tentacles around the ship and pulled. The screaming collapse of the wood was something Alvid would never get used to but she cherished the sound all the same. As Marie’s ship broke into four pieces, as Marie herself disappeared beneath the water, Alvid smiled. She would have to remember to buy her pet some treats the next time they made port.

A pirate captain is captured and taken prisoner by an enemy ship. Just when things take a turn for the worst, that’s when it shows up.

In our campaign last week, we fought a zombie ogre that was all bones in a swamp. We killed it and our paladin used one of her spells to see if there was anything else like it around. There was a zombie bear which we also killed. Then I, with my horrid little brain, said that the ogre just wanted us out of his swamp. Which, naturally, lead to more Shrek jokes. But the amazing thing is that because we made these jokes, our paladin decided to do a check to see if the bear could have talked. It could. So basically we killed Shrek and Donkey Bear in our last session.

The first one, they chalked up as a fluke. Every store had their share of Karens and, statistically, they were bound to get one. She was exactly as they expected, the haircut and everything. She even had a necklace with the single word ‘Love’ hanging from her badly tanned neck. The Karen had screamed about not being able to use a six month expired coupon, made the cashier cry, and called the manager a fucking idiot before storming out. It certainly could have been worse and the entire staff laughed about it later, the story circulating quickly.

None of them could have expected what came after. There were a few cases after the first Karen came (one had mistaken a customer for an employee, another had deliberately made a mess to try to sue, and a third had broken merchandise when she found out her favorite tea was out of stock) but they never connected them. Until it was too late. Until every other customer seemed to have disappeared, each one replaced by one of those horrid monsters. Karens in all shapes and sizes. Some didn’t even have the trademark signs, meaning they didn’t know the danger until it hit them full in the face. Literally and figuratively.

Managers were killed off left and right. Corporate claimed that they had transferred stores or had simply quit but the staff knew better. Enough of them had seen what really happened. The skin of their faces had peeled under the onslaught of shouting. Blood flowed from their ears, more blood than should have been possible. As if their brains had melted down to flow out as well. Their screams stayed in the air for weeks, echoing around and driving many a new hire insane. There were those who left the store with tear scars on their cheeks. Some never stopped crying long enough to quit. Dried husks were stored in the break room. Someone sat them in chairs, posed them like they were still there but just taking a long break. It was morbid but it was one of the few ways they could cope.

The senior staff claimed to have seen worse and seemed unaffected most days, though plenty could see the haunted looks in their eyes. They dealt with the Super Karens, taking the blows so others didn’t have to. They had no hope anyways. Nothing to lose. And when they saw high schoolers being hired on they just shook their heads. None of them even tried to appeal to the Retail Gods for those poor children, it was a lost cause in their minds.

They didn’t know that these poor kids, raised up on tales told by older siblings/cousins/friends, were already prepared. They entered the store with smiles on their faces and wicked fire burning behind their eyes. Sure, they had to deal with the Karens. But the Karens also had to deal with them.

You thought they were myths. Simply legends, nothing more. Until you met one at the local grocery store.

A Karen.

Attention D&D Newbies!

Are you between the ages of 18 and 30? Are you LGBTQ+ friendly? Have you never played D&D before or only played it once but want to continue? Are you interested in D&D because of TAZ or Critical Role and want to play with people who won’t judge you for that? Then this is the post for you!

Me and @minilagreen are searching for new players. We want to make a group for those who have never played or are just starting out, giving us all a chance to learn together. (We’re planning on playing 5e.) We are accepting those who want to be players and those who want to DM, though either of us is willing to DM if we have no volunteers. If you’re at all interested, message either of us!

I have a whole project for Nanowrimo that I should be working on but alas. My brain has hyperfixated on dragon age again. And instead of doing worldbuilding I’m writing fanfiction. And Among Us fanfiction because that’s where my life is at. There’s some pretty good fanart out there, it got ideas going.

I’m working on something and the place my main character comes from is in the taiga biome. I’m having a hard time with research right now (I need to get better at it) and am just trying to figure out what sort of food they would have. It’s a mountainous area they’re in and the specific spot is on an island on a mountain lake.