Too Fat For It To Become A Problem

too fat for it to become a problem

(I AM NOT PROMOTING EATING DISORDERS)

When the fat girl loses weight, it’s a success story. Everyone suddenly starts acknowledging her, and suddenly she exists. She finally fits in the society, the constant pats on her back, the congratulatory messages, “girl, you have lost weight, very good, you should continue”, she feels happy, maybe after a very long time she’s satisfied with herself, BUT, it is not enough, it is never enough. She is obsessed, she counts every calorie and she has this pink diary in which she writes everything down, she has written the rude comments made by people earlier, she remembers how she used to get body shamed and she makes sure to never forget them, so she writes each and everything down. She wants thigh gaps and collar bones and she wants to count each and every rib, that’s utopia for her. Everyone sees how much weight she has lost and how pretty she has become, but they never look beyond that. Cause, she’s too fat for it to become a problem. No one sees how she stands on the weight machine, cursing at herself cause, she needs to lose more. No one sees how she shivers, no one notices her dark circles and pale complexion, no one really sees that she is losing a lot of weight in very less time.(22kgs?) NO ONE KNOWS THAT SHE HIDES HER FOOD, THROWS THE FOOD AWAY AND COMPLETELY STARVES HERSELF, NO ONE BLOODY KNOWS THAT SHE HASN’T EATEN A SINGLE CALORIE FOR MORE THAN TWO WEEKS. No one thinks that she is sick, CAUSE SHE IS TOO FAT FOR IT TO BECOME A PROBLEM. She wants to shout and cry for help but she won’t, cause NOT EATING gives her something to be proud about, a purpose, she feels good when she is hungry, her stomach asking for food cause it’s too empty, so she places her cold hands on her tummy and ‘shh’ she says! She knows that whatever she is doing is not right, but she refuses to believe it, cause she’s fat and she can never have a problem, right? She knows that she might die doing this, but at least she will die thin! It’s not like she avoids food, the thing is, she avoids eating. After all this, it’s under control, isn’t it? She can be all skin and bones, but the fat girl is thin, that’s all that matters, right? (This is MY personal experience, fuck haters)

NYCTOPHILE

You lie down on your bed at 3am in the morning, awake. No matter what you do, you are not being able to sleep. You have counted till infinity and backwards, you tried listening to some Mozzart or some other music, your hair is damp cause you already took a shower, yet you just cannot sleep. Your mind keeps wandering to the darkest corners, spider webs all over, dirty and claustrophobic. You close your eyes shut, you can feel sleep sitting on your eyelids, you hear the clock ticking away to its glory, in a mocking manner. Your head keeps messing with you, you want to stop your thoughts, stop the mess, stop breathing- stop living.

Depression is like this big dark cloud that sits on top of your head, adding weight to your already burdened shoulders, making it difficult for you to walk straight. Or, it sits on your chest, making you feel light headed, out of breath. It is like this long, never ending tunnel which has no light and you keep walking aimlessly, desperately looking for a way out. It has no doors and the windows are all sealed tight, curtains drawn. As if you are drowning in deep waters, the waves engulfing you, you try screaming for help but no one can hear your cries, neither can you swim. The water keeps pulling you down like quicksand, and you slowly give up, you are tired of trying.  Depression makes you blind, you know that the world is colorful but you cannot see it. You sit alone on the cold bathroom floor, door locked, painful gasps every second or two- hyperventilating, you don’t know any better- you use physical pain to cope with your mental pain. Razor blade in your hands, your knuckles turn white with the force you use to grasp it, your hands shaking and trembling, the phantom voice in your messed up head telling you to hurt yourself, cause “YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH”. You think you deserve to be punished, you deserve the pain. You cannot cry anymore cause your tears have all dried up. All you can do is stare at the nothingness in front of you, devoid of any emotion. You ask, “WHY ME?” You pray to any God up there, begging, but all you get as an answer is silence and it kills you. Your eyes well up with unshed tears and you try your best to muffle your sobs. Your head hurts, your chest hurts, you can feel your heart break into pieces. You always feel tired and exhausted, sleep cannot make it right- it is just a temporary solution. You don’t feel like moving, even showering sounds like a lot of hardwork, you cannot get out of your bed cause it needs a lot of energy and you are already drained out. Sometimes you want to feel better, you want someone to hold you close and hug you, whispering sweet nothings into your ear. But who are you kidding? You keep pushing people away cause you are afraid, thinking you would hurt them. So you put on a mask. A  mask which screams ‘PERFECTION.’ You pretend to be fine and strong, smiling and giggling, being sassy, but on the inside you are broken and you are taking each comment to your heart, you are damaged from the inside.You are tired of people telling you to get over it, but you cannot. It NEVER works like that. Depression is not a choice, and it just cannot go away like that. BUT no matter what other people say, you know that you are a fighter. You stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself that you are proud, you pat your back and smile, you love yourself a little more each day. You learn to accept yourself for who you are, embracing your flaws, cause that makes you the brightest flower in a garden, blooming day by day. You know that recovery is not a path full of unicorns and rainbows, there are hurdles and twists and turns, it will not be sunny all the time, you will face the storm and the rain but you have to get up and fight cause one day, you will win and no one can stop you. You need to hold on, cause you are loved. It is winter now but it too shall pass and spring will definitely come. YOU NEVER WALK ALONE! 

Him: babe, you've barely touched your food. Do you not like it?

Me: No, that's the problem. I wish I didn't, so it would be easier for me to not want to eat it.

My thinspiration is my old self. Duh.

Think about the look on their faces when they see how skinny you‘ve gotten.

But then I found out being loved and being small feel synonymous

- Diet Coke by Leanna Firestone