Negativity And Lack Of Appreciation: (Tall Poppy Syndrome?)

Negativity and Lack of Appreciation: (Tall Poppy Syndrome?)

Seems this has been my experience during most of my life. People will tear you down for even trying or there will be a bitter sense of passive-aggressive (assumed) jealously where any accomplishment you make is instantly shutdown, dismissed or degraded.

Honestly I feel guilty about posting art, posting online, guilty for simply existing even? Like there's this deep simple desire for someone to just appreciate what you do and for yourself to have some form of value.

Why would I even want someone to be appreciative of anything. I must be selfish and narcissistic to have the desire for anyone to be nice to me so my reaction to any kind of genuine appreciation is met with me imploding with guilt and feeling overwhelmed and consequently avoiding people because I'm not special or entitled to anything so actively sharing my thoughts or expressing things through art is like I'm infringing upon the existence of others like I must think I'm better than them.

I've gone back and fourth on this mentally thousands of times over the years but I am ultimately starting to come to the conclusion I have just been around negative people irl my entire life. =/

I think that 99% of the positive feedback I've had with art has came from online rather than people I personally know. With that also came a minority of negativity that I'd fixate on and give far too much weight because it validated my own internal negative thoughts. If anyone is nice to me, in most cases I'd be hit with a crushing level of guilt and disassociate/avoid. =/ Which only adds to feelings of guilt because I feel like an awful person being unable to appropriately reciprocate so it just feeds into habits of avoiding people and disliking myself.

On the contrary it's like pls be nice to me, my life is an empty void. 👁👄👁 But it just creates this contradiction of disassociation and avoidance from the guilt of a basic desire.

I do need to get over these feelings somehow because they aren't productive and only perpetuate negative loops but even consciously coming to terms with it isn't so easy as these feelings are essentially hardwired into me at this point.

Fade Away

Magical Rainbow Forests! :)

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Split Into Two Face generated using AI and then morphed/touched up in Photoshop. The background is me re-using parts of older artworks. (I've used the same one in so many mixed pieces now) The teeth are also entirely hand painted but I'd really not like to point to that fact because I rest easier without their flaws being pointed to lol. This is a few months old now but I have been overthinking my usage of an AI face but I mean I just as easily could have used some stock images? Honestly that probably would've been easier looking back haha.

Hollywood Metro