personal account for my art 👁👄👁
520 posts
Vaelzz - Vaelzz - Tumblr Blog
Negativity and Lack of Appreciation: (Tall Poppy Syndrome?)
Seems this has been my experience during most of my life. People will tear you down for even trying or there will be a bitter sense of passive-aggressive (assumed) jealously where any accomplishment you make is instantly shutdown, dismissed or degraded.
Honestly I feel guilty about posting art, posting online, guilty for simply existing even? Like there's this deep simple desire for someone to just appreciate what you do and for yourself to have some form of value.
Why would I even want someone to be appreciative of anything. I must be selfish and narcissistic to have the desire for anyone to be nice to me so my reaction to any kind of genuine appreciation is met with me imploding with guilt and feeling overwhelmed and consequently avoiding people because I'm not special or entitled to anything so actively sharing my thoughts or expressing things through art is like I'm infringing upon the existence of others like I must think I'm better than them.
I've gone back and fourth on this mentally thousands of times over the years but I am ultimately starting to come to the conclusion I have just been around negative people irl my entire life. =/
I think that 99% of the positive feedback I've had with art has came from online rather than people I personally know. With that also came a minority of negativity that I'd fixate on and give far too much weight because it validated my own internal negative thoughts. If anyone is nice to me, in most cases I'd be hit with a crushing level of guilt and disassociate/avoid. =/ Which only adds to feelings of guilt because I feel like an awful person being unable to appropriately reciprocate so it just feeds into habits of avoiding people and disliking myself.
On the contrary it's like pls be nice to me, my life is an empty void. 👁👄👁 But it just creates this contradiction of disassociation and avoidance from the guilt of a basic desire.
I do need to get over these feelings somehow because they aren't productive and only perpetuate negative loops but even consciously coming to terms with it isn't so easy as these feelings are essentially hardwired into me at this point.
These are some of my favourite images tbh, all from 2015 aside from the third which is 2017.
What’s your favourite image of mine? I’ve included 5 images here to help decide but it doesn’t have to be one of these.
Hollywood Metro
What's the inspiration for your art? It's something magical to look at psychedelic also ... Idk
It's definitely rooted in escapism as it's a way of transforming the world when life can at times feel very mundane and monotonous. I've always had a psychedelic-esque vibe even as a teen before having tried a single substance. I was more recently diagnosed with ADHD 2 years back so I feel like it's just my weird, rapid jumbled thoughts shining through.
Wow the first artwork/photo edit I posted to Tumblr on May 16, 2014. This makes me nostalgic. 🥺
Random pictures I took at the start of the year, just something that isn’t a selfie I guess. c:
I used a cheap half working compact camera and took the photo in 2013 at California's Disneyland. I later decided to process it in 2023 using Photoshop to create my own unique effect with grainy, distorted and fading textures which actually existed in the original image and were brought out by aggressive use of curves within PS to ultimately convey the feeling of a hazy memory that is slowly fading.
An interesting tidbit is that isn't actually the moon, it's a camera orb (backscatter) which were pretty common on older cameras when using flash. People used to believe they were ghosts and spirits as I was growing, I remember massive hysteria from adults towards them and they often featured in spooky cheaply made ghost hunter shows growing up. I now know what actually causes them but it was a spooky concept as a child, I found its placement to be perfect to resemble a surreal moon but the fact it's actually a camera orb really adds to the personal memory element of this piece to me.
Like a fading memory (Original picture taken at Cali Disneyland)
Rinse out the taste of nuggets
ƃᏬıᏬɹᏁʇ ןɐʇǝıɔᎧᏕ
The Chicken Nuggie (Video)
This random ass giant chicken nugget video I made using AI as part of a contest they were having. The tools aren't there yet at all so it's incredibly janky but ehhh it's umm something lmao? Could be interesting to use creatively in the future but it's a pain trying to get it to do what you want consistently so you need to keep doing generations which ends up costing $$$ (I just messed around in the free trials which was pretty limited)
Been gearing towards and wanting to do this for years but I've finally finished a little animation with Luma's Dream Machine using art I've made in Stable Diffusion + Photoshop alongside some ambient sounds I've created.
idiovoidi - fading light
Lyrics: Drained and depleted Pushing through the day Every ounce of energy It's all been sucked away Feeling heavy Like I'm carrying a weight Can't keep going Need a break Need to escape
Running on fumes No spark left inside Each step feels slower In this endless stride Body fading Like the sunset in the sky Need a moment to recharge Gotta find a place to hide Fading light I'm falling out of sight Begging for a chance to rest To make it all right In the darkness Where I find my peace I'll close my eyes Let the tiredness release
Maybe tomorrow I'll find a reason to rise But for tonight I'll surrender to the skies
Let the worries wait There'll be time to face the fight But for now, I'll breathe it in The air of the night Fading light I'm falling out of sight Begging for a chance to rest To make it all right In the darkness Where I find my peace I'll close my eyes Let the tiredness release
(The sun will rise With a spirit's shine true) And when I wake, the sun will rise With a spirit fresh and true
Fade Away
D҉̣͍̓̎͗͜͜o҉̢̡̲͇̌͗̀͢͝o҉̢̡̲͇̌͗̀͢͝m̴̵҉̸̲̗̰̼͗͌̃̇͟͟͟͠͞͠&G̸҉̜̜̱̄ͩ͆͜͝͞L̴҉̴͙͖̞̳̜̖ͣͧ̑̑͜͞͠͞͠o҉̢̡̲͇̌͗̀͢͝o҉̢̡̲͇̌͗̀͢͝m̴̵҉̸̲̗̰̼͗͌̃̇͟͟͟͠͞͠
This Sense Of Oblivion
Taken through the window of a closed function room on new years
Magical Rainbow Forests! :)
So I did actually make even longer versions of these which does make me question at what point does it become annoying and how long can it get before websites just start going "Yeah nah too long 4 me" 🤔 Edit. Seems Tumblr also compresses and makes it blurry so that means if I did a super, super long one of these it'd be super blurry.
⍲฿ꞨΦꞭꞸ⍕𝔩øᵰ ⍲฿ꞨΦꞭꞸ⍕𝔩øᵰ Ꟈ¡ꞨꞨΘɭѴဧ?? NΩ! ΔIsintegrate...Ꟈ¡ꟉꟉ𝔩p𐌀tဧ...θ£$! cotton candy shadows...where are we??∞ Black holes sing, rainbows cry... flowers of oblivion dance w/ shadows. θ£$!¤Clocks melting, spiders weave time...dreams ✕ pǝɹǝʇʇɐɥs like porcelain dølls. Pianos fall from the sky, no melody ✷ Blood moon, paper stars...Absolution, HA! ↯ Become cloud glitter, ✷UV dance party extraordinaire! Dissolve? No, TRANSFORM→ cosmic pan baked purple syrup gods, butter stars! ♡ Marshmallow Unicorn calls the abyss hehe, answer w/ song lollipop trees!?!? oh.... dissolve.......? EVAPORATE... misty surreal is instantly A,a≠≠≠
Ξƌ𝐥⊂￨Ⱦ !1* ØRHhHh†℗!1₦₲!1†Δ££ I O R H H T P I N G I T A L L †S!1FØ₦!1₦₲!1†Δ£, T S I F O N I N G I T A L , E£℗R₩Δ†©Hh₩Hh!1©HhΔΜ!1 E L P R W A T C H W H I C H A M I
유/ռռΞ𐒴 Ø⊂ʋꝆαᎡǃtγ
It's A Long Road Ahead
Photography from 2019? I found in my drafts
R.I.P
Finally good enough at painting to draw things completely from imagination and have it look halfway decent.
Only downside is it requires so much effort and time and my brain is dysfunctional most of the time. I can’t really say it’s the most rewarding experience either. Everyone I know personally doesn’t actually care for art or are that interested. I do find self-growth and improvement to be extremely rewarding although it can be disheartening at times when no one really cares. Art is debatably pointless in certain contexts and there are a lot of other things I could be doing or learning. Perhaps something more practical or enjoyable. I think my ultimate goal from it all was to eventually express myself in a good enough way that it’d resonate with like-minded people.
Honestly I’d love to connect and become friends with more people on a similar wavelength to myself. The reality is most people suck.. between ignorance, stupidity and their own biases along with a whole host of other issues. I’m at a point in my life where I’d just like to omit them from my experience of reality and only include people I actually respect or see value in. I can’t even begin to express the sheer amount of existential dread I feel scrolling through Facebook for even 5 minutes. I’ve already culled down the people I see on social media massively and limited the groups/servers I’m in because those people added nothing productive in my life. I just think it’d be nice to fill that gap with more like-minded people with interests more similar to mine, no idea how I go about finding these people.
But that concludes my random rant that diverged completely from the original point I wanted to make about imagination vs reference.
Split Into Two Face generated using AI and then morphed/touched up in Photoshop. The background is me re-using parts of older artworks. (I've used the same one in so many mixed pieces now) The teeth are also entirely hand painted but I'd really not like to point to that fact because I rest easier without their flaws being pointed to lol. This is a few months old now but I have been overthinking my usage of an AI face but I mean I just as easily could have used some stock images? Honestly that probably would've been easier looking back haha.