Marya Hornbacher, Madness: A Bipolar Life

Marya Hornbacher, Madness: A Bipolar Life

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Haeseol + Stardew Valley Profile

“She looked like a girl in a fairy tale - a kind of Rapunzel, her eyes soft with dreams.”

— Eva Ibbotson, The Morning Gift  (via paper-fairy)

Journal Entries | A Familiar Sorrow

September 28th

There was another dream tonight, though this one was different. I wasn’t myself. I was someone else—Yueliang. It felt familiar, like slipping into a memory that wasn’t mine. As a shaman, I’ve had experiences with spirits and their lingering emotions, but this... this felt more vivid. More personal. I wasn’t just witnessing it—I was her, feeling her thoughts, her emotions, as if they were my own. I could feel the weight of the brush in her hand, the silk of her robe against my skin. The connection was seamless, like I belonged there.

And then, there was him. Zhongyuan. He startled her—me—but the moment turned from surprise to something deeper. His presence was overwhelming, as if he commanded the very air in the room. I’ve never seen him before, but his face, his eyes—those blood-red eyes—felt hauntingly familiar. Like I’ve known him in another life, or perhaps in the echoes of spirits I’ve connected with in the past. He wasn’t just a figure in a dream. There was something more.

What unsettles me most is how familiar he felt, as if I’ve been waiting to meet him. But why? I’ve never dreamed of him before, never seen him in any visions or spirit work. And yet, I can’t shake the feeling that we are somehow connected, as if our paths have crossed before in ways I can’t explain.

I’ve been possessed by spirits, seen their memories and walked their paths, but this… this was different. This felt like it was meant to happen, like I was supposed to witness this. I don’t know what it means, but I can’t ignore the pull I felt toward him. Toward that life.

Who are you, Zhongyuan? Why do I feel like I’ve always known you?

Journal Entry | October 1st

I had another one of those dreams. But this time, it wasn’t just a dream. I was her again—Yueliang. I felt everything as if it was happening to me. The wind in the village, the warmth of her grandmother’s hand, the crushing weight of fate that hung over every moment of her life. It was almost too real.

Yueliang’s grandmother reminded me so much of Halmeoni (Korean for Grandmother). Blind, but seeing everything. Feeling everything. I never thought about how similar they are until now. Maybe it’s that sense of knowing, that wisdom in their blindness. Yueliang’s Halmeoni saw her future and tried to change it. Does Halmeoni see something about mine? Is that why she’s always been so protective, always pressing me to be more than I am? More than I want to be?

But what hit me the hardest was the choice Yueliang made. She knew the danger. She knew she was walking into the lion’s den when she went to Zhongyuan. But she still did it—because she thought love could change everything. And for a while, it did. But then, just like that, it all fell apart. No matter how strong she was, no matter how much love she had, fate came back with a vengeance. Is that how it always is? Can we really never escape what we’re meant for?

When Yueliang lost control of her body, when she was forced to hurt the one person she wanted to protect... I think that’s what scares me the most. The idea of being used, manipulated by forces I don’t understand. What if something like that happens to me? What if there’s some part of my life or destiny that I can’t control?

And yet… despite it all, Yueliang still believed in love. Even after everything. She prayed for peace. For another chance. For him. I wonder if I could be that strong, or if I’d just crumble under the weight of it all.

I’m not sure what these dreams mean or why I’m having them, but they’re starting to feel less like dreams and more like memories. I’m afraid of what might come next. But a part of me—just a small part—wants to know.

Maybe there’s something I need to learn from Yueliang’s story. Something about love. Or fate. Or maybe about how to fight against what feels inevitable.

I don’t know. But I’ll keep listening.

—Haeseol

Haeseol’s Journal Entry – Present Day

I can’t stop thinking about her. Yueliang, the Radiant Moon.

It was her song I sang at that wedding so many years ago. I didn’t know it then, but now it feels obvious—like something has been pulling me toward her all this time. Her life, her story… it feels so close to mine, as if we’re connected somehow. And maybe we are.

The similarities are hard to ignore.

Yueliang was revered, just like I am. A symbol of something greater—radiance, light, hope. Her people adored her, saw her as their guiding moon, just as my community sees me as a blessing, a figurehead to offer protection and peace. They look to me as if I hold all the answers, as if I can shield them from whatever comes next. But what if I’m just as lost as they are?

And then there’s the opposition. For Yueliang, it was the followers of Zhongyuan, the dark sun of the yin, constantly in conflict with the devotees of her light. For me, it feels the same—though I’m not battling any dark suns or cosmic forces. I’m battling expectations, control, the endless power plays around me that are beyond my grasp. There are people who want me to be something—someone—I’m not. And I’m trapped in the middle, just as Yueliang was.

Is this why I feel so close to her now? Is this why her sadness feels like my own?

She loved deeply, suffered deeply, all because of the role she was forced to play. A goddess, a beacon for others, but who was there for her? Who understood the pain of always having to shine for others, even when your own heart feels dark and empty?

I wonder… is that my fate too? Am I destined to be just like her—forever revered, forever isolated? Or am I more than just a reflection of Yueliang’s story?

I don’t know why I’m drawn to her. I don’t even know how I could be connected to someone so ancient, so divine. But something inside me is stirring, something that feels like recognition. Like my soul remembers something my mind doesn’t.

Could it be that I’m tied to her, this moon goddess? This radiant moon of the yang?

The idea feels impossible, yet undeniable. I’ve always been different. Always felt like there was something more to me, something I couldn’t explain. Could Yueliang be the answer? Could she be the key to understanding what I am?

It’s strange. The more I think about her, the more I see myself in her—revered, yes, but also bound by something larger than myself. There’s no escaping it. No matter how much I try to live my own life, I’m always pulled back into the roles I’m supposed to play. The roles that others have crafted for me. Just like Yueliang.

But if she’s the moon, does that mean I’m destined to be her reflection? Or is there something else, something more?

I have so many questions, and no answers.

All I know is that I feel her sadness. Her longing. Her desire to be free of the chains that bind her to her people, her duties, her fate. And I feel that same longing inside me too.

I want to be free. But can I ever truly be free, if this is the life I was born into?

For now, all I have are questions.

Haeseol + Taejun | | Analysis / Journal Entries

TRIGGER WARNING: blood consumption, violence, death, etc.

Journal Entry | October 2nd, 2024

I don’t know how to begin this. I don’t even know if I believe it—yet somehow, it all makes sense.

The dreams… they’re not just dreams, are they? Yueliang, Hae-Ri Jin, Bayan—these weren’t just stories my mind conjured up. They were real. They were me.

I’m struggling to wrap my head around it, but it’s like pieces of a puzzle I didn’t even know I was solving are falling into place. Every life, every tragedy, every sacrifice—it was me. And Tae-Jun… he was always there too.

It started with Yueliang and Zhongyuan. That was the first dream. The way Zhongyuan felt so familiar, the way his face and voice lingered with me even after I woke up. I didn’t understand it then. But now? Now I see why. I see it all.

Yueliang, Hae-Ri Jin, Bayan—they’re all me. I am them. And Zhongyuan, Tae-Mu-Ryeong, Dhan… they were all him. Tae-Jun. The arrogance, the power, the way he’s always in my life whether I want him there or not—he’s always been a part of me. Just like I’ve always been a part of him.

But how can this be? How can we be trapped in this endless cycle? Always meeting, always bound by blood and pain. And always, always losing each other.

Yueliang and Zhongyuan, enemies turned lovers, cursed by fate to destroy each other. Hae-Ri, the Siyo Goddess, torn apart to soothe the madness of gods’ sons, sacrificing her body, her blood, her eyes—just like I… just like I gave mine to Tae-Jun. And Bayan, my sweet Bayan, who embraced her fate with a smile, who believed in love so deeply that she chose to save Dhan, even when it meant her own death.

And now, there’s me. Haeseol.

I’m supposed to be this revered shaman, this living deity to the people around me. My grandmother trained me, raised me, just like Yueliang’s grandmother, just like Bayan’s mother, both of them blind—just like my grandmother. They all sacrificed their sight to change fate, to protect us, to give us a chance at something better. But at what cost?

I’m isolated, just like they were. Revered but alone. Loved, but trapped by the weight of it all. Just like Yueliang, like Hae-Ri, like Bayan.

And Tae-Jun? He’s always been there. Every life, every cycle, it was him. In every dream, every story, we were always bound. By blood, by fate, by something we couldn’t escape. And now… now I’ve done it again. I’ve saved him. I gave him my blood, and now he’s bound to me, just like Dhan was bound to Bayan.

But why? Why do we keep coming back to this? Why does it always end in tragedy? Every time, we love each other—whether we admit it or not—and every time, it ends the same. Blood, sacrifice, death.

I don’t want this. I don’t want to be trapped in this cycle forever. But how do I break it? Can I even break it?

I don’t know if I’m ready to face this, to admit that I’ve loved Tae-Jun for longer than I can remember, for lifetimes. But I think I’m starting to understand why. Even with all his arrogance, all the ways he’s pushed me, antagonized me, he’s always been there. Just like Dhan. Just like Zhongyuan. And despite everything, I care for him. I always have.

But what does that mean for us now? Are we doomed to repeat the same mistakes? Or can we finally find a way to break free from the pain, the violence, the sacrifice?

I don’t have the answers yet. I’m still reeling from the realization that Yueliang, Hae-Ri, Bayan… they were all me. That Tae-Jun is the reincarnation of every man I’ve loved and lost.

But one thing is clear. This isn’t just about me anymore. It’s about both of us. About breaking free from this cycle of fate that’s bound us for so long.

I just don’t know if we can.

But maybe, this time, we have a chance. If I can face the truth. If he can.

Maybe, just maybe, we can finally stop the endless bloodshed.

Maybe…

- Haeseol.

Haeseol’s journal entry reveals her internal struggle as she confronts the weight of her past lives and the cyclical nature of her relationship with Tae-Jun. The key themes of this entry revolve around recognition, destiny, and the desire for freedom from fate. Here’s a breakdown of the key elements:

The Unveiling of Past Lives:

Haeseol is realizing that the recurring dreams she's had are not mere figments of her imagination but echoes of her past lives. She has begun to see the connections between herself and her previous incarnations—Yueliang, Hae-Ri Jin, and Bayan—each of whom experienced love and tragedy with Tae-Jun's past selves. This reveals a rich lore where their souls are continually reborn and entangled in a painful cycle of love, blood, and sacrifice.

Isolation and Duty:

Haeseol’s role as a shaman, revered and adored by her community, parallels the sacrifices her past incarnations made. The blind, self-sacrificing figures in her lineage emphasize the cost of this venerated position, as their power comes with isolation. She recognizes how she, too, is trapped in a similar life—feared, respected, and burdened by expectations, but fundamentally alone. This emotional isolation runs parallel to the physical sacrifices that bind her to Tae-Jun across lifetimes.

Tension with Tae-Jun:

Haeseol’s present relationship with Tae-Jun is one marked by friction. His arrogance and aggression mirror the domineering figures from her past lives, yet she acknowledges that even though he antagonizes her, she is drawn to him. The complex dynamic of their frenemies-to-lovers relationship is layered with centuries of reincarnated connection. Haeseol now has the added burden of knowing that her strong reactions to Tae-Jun aren’t just about their present relationship but about the weight of their shared history.

Love, Blood, and Sacrifice:

The idea of love and violence being intrinsically linked is a central theme. Haeseol recalls how each past incarnation faced tragedy—be it Yueliang and Zhongyuan’s mutual destruction or Bayan’s ultimate sacrifice to save Dhan. Haeseol’s recognition that she’s always given parts of herself (literally and figuratively) to Tae-Jun’s past selves reflects the deeper existential question: is love destined to be painful for them? She has already given her blood to save Tae-Jun in this life, cementing their bond once more, and this terrifies her because it mirrors the destructive cycles of the past.

Desire to Break the Cycle:

Haeseol's growing awareness leads her to question whether they can finally break free of this endless cycle of suffering. The idea that their love is intertwined with tragedy and loss weighs heavily on her. Her uncertainty about whether they can escape this fate adds a layer of tension, as she considers whether this life will end like all the others. There is hope, though—it is faint but present. Haeseol hints at the possibility that this time could be different if both she and Tae-Jun confront their pasts and choose a different path.

Emotional Conflict:

A significant aspect of this entry is Haeseol's emotional turmoil. She is caught between her disdain for Tae-Jun’s behavior in their present life and her growing understanding that she has loved him for many lifetimes. This conflict is central to her character arc, as she must reconcile her resentment of his arrogance with her deeper connection to him across time. The complexity of their relationship adds richness to the narrative, as Haeseol must navigate feelings of betrayal, love, and responsibility all at once.

Tae-Jun’s Unawareness:

A critical dynamic at play is that Tae-Jun is still oblivious to this shared history. While Haeseol has begun piecing together the truth, Tae-Jun remains in the dark, unaware of their past lives and the deeper bond between them. This creates a potential narrative tension, as Haeseol grapples with her feelings while Tae-Jun continues behaving as the arrogant bully he has always been. Haeseol’s knowledge places her in a position of power, but also of vulnerability, as she must decide how to move forward knowing what she does.

In summary, Haeseol’s journal entry is a window into her conflicted emotions as she comes to terms with the profound realization that she and Tae-Jun are trapped in an eternal cycle of love and sacrifice. Her struggle is both internal, as she processes her reincarnated past, and external, as she must confront Tae-Jun, who remains unaware of their shared history. The central conflict moving forward will likely involve whether Haeseol and Tae-Jun can break free of the tragic patterns that have defined their relationship across time.

Journal Entry | October 5th

I don’t even know where to begin. Maybe it’s because I’ve spent so much time trying to understand what I’m feeling, and now, it’s all tangled up inside me—too big to fit into words. But if I don’t write it down, I think I might burst.

It’s Tae-Jun.

It’s always been him, hasn’t it? Every time I close my eyes, I see him. Not just the Tae-Jun I know now—the one who infuriates me with his arrogance, who’s always challenging me, always so sure of himself. But him in every lifetime, every face I’ve loved, every hand I’ve held before it slipped away. Zhongyuan, Dhan, Tae-Mu-Ryeong… He’s always been there. He’s always been him.

And somehow, I’ve always been drawn to him. Pulled to him like gravity. I used to think it was just fate—this invisible thread binding us together no matter what we did. But now, I’m starting to wonder if it’s more than that. If maybe, despite everything, I’ve always cared for him. If maybe, in every life, I’ve always loved him.

The thought scares me. It terrifies me. Because every time, we’ve lost each other. Every time, it ends in blood and heartbreak, and I don’t know if I can survive that again. I don’t know if I can watch him slip through my fingers once more. But then I think about the way he looked at me the other night—so vulnerable, so real—and all that fear falls away. I just want to protect him. I want to give him something more than the pain and sacrifice we’ve known for so long.

I want to give us something more.

When I gave him my blood, it felt different this time. I wasn’t just saving him because I had to, because some ancient thread of fate demanded it. I did it because I wanted to. Because seeing him hurt, seeing him broken—it did something to me. Something I didn’t expect. I realized in that moment that I care for him, more than I’m ready to admit, even to myself.

But how can I admit that? How can I allow myself to feel something for him when I know how this always ends? When I know that every time, we’re torn apart, left bleeding and broken?

I don’t want to be Yueliang, or Hae-Ri, or Bayan anymore. I don’t want to be the woman who loves and sacrifices and loses. I want to be more than just another tragic love story. I want to break this cycle—not just for me, but for him too. I want to give us a chance at something better. A chance at a future where we don’t have to bleed for love, where we don’t have to lose everything just to hold onto each other.

I want to see him smile—not out of arrogance or victory, but a real smile, one that comes from happiness, from peace. I want to be the reason for that smile.

I can feel it in my bones—this is our chance. This time, things can be different. I don’t know how yet, but I’m determined. I’m not going to let fate win this time. I won’t let us be pulled apart again. I’ll protect him, and I’ll protect us. Because for the first time, it’s not just about me. It’s about both of us.

And I think, deep down, I’ve always wanted this. I’ve always wanted him. Even when I didn’t understand why. Even when he was just a dream, a memory from another life, some part of me always longed for him. Even when he was arrogant and frustrating, I couldn’t push him away. I couldn’t stop myself from caring.

And now, I think I’m ready to face that. I think I’m ready to admit that what I feel for him isn’t just a result of fate pulling our strings. It’s real. It’s mine. And no matter what happens, no matter what’s to come, I’m going to fight for it. For us.

I’m not saying it’ll be easy. I’m not saying that everything will magically fall into place just because I’ve realized how much I care for him. But for the first time, I feel like we have a real chance. A chance to break the cycle, to stop the endless pain and tragedy. A chance to rewrite our story into something beautiful, something full of love instead of loss.

I don’t know if he feels the same way. I don’t know if he’s ready to face the truth of who we were, of who we’ve always been to each other. But I think that, in time, he will. I think that when he looks at me, some part of him already knows. He’s just as scared as I am, but he’ll come to see it too. I know he will.

Because this time, it’s different. This time, I’m not going to let fate control us. I’m going to fight for us. And maybe, just maybe, we’ll finally get the ending we deserve. One where we don’t lose each other. One where we don’t bleed for love. One where we can just… be.

Together.

—Haeseol.

This journal entry from Haeseol reflects an emotional turning point in her internal journey as she comes to terms with her complex feelings for Tae-Jun. There’s a deep sense of self-awareness in her words as she grapples with her past lives, the cyclical nature of her love with Tae-Jun, and her own determination to change the course of their fate. The entry captures her emerging realization that her connection with Tae-Jun, despite being shaped by fate, is driven by her genuine feelings, not just destiny’s demands.

### Key Themes and Emotional Conflict

Revelation of Love and Fear: Haeseol is beginning to admit that she has always cared for Tae-Jun, but she is still afraid to fully embrace these feelings. Her repeated use of the phrase “I don’t know if I can survive that again” emphasizes her fear of inevitable loss, which has defined every lifetime they’ve shared. Her budding love is bittersweet, tinged with the knowledge of how things have always ended before: in tragedy.

Compassion and Desire to Protect: Her compassion for Tae-Jun is a driving force in this entry. Haeseol doesn’t just want to break the cycle for herself—she wants to save him, too. Her desire to protect him is evident when she recalls giving him her blood. For the first time, it’s not simply about duty or fate, but a conscious choice to help someone she deeply cares about. She wants to spare him the suffering they’ve both endured in past lives, reflecting a protective instinct born out of love.

Defiance Against Fate: Haeseol’s determination to defy fate stands out as a pivotal moment in her character development. She doesn’t want to be the tragic heroine anymore—she’s tired of the role of the sacrificial lover who always loses. This resolve to break the cycle shows her growing strength and independence. The line “I’m not going to let fate win this time” highlights her defiance, marking a shift from passive acceptance of her destiny to an active desire to change it.

Budding Feelings and Hope: Despite her fears and the heaviness of their shared history, Haeseol is filled with hope. Her feelings for Tae-Jun are blossoming, and there’s a tender sweetness in how she reflects on wanting to see him truly happy, to be the reason for his smile. This hope gives her the strength to believe that they can rewrite their story. The hope in this entry provides a counterbalance to the sadness of their past, suggesting that love could offer a path to redemption and freedom from their cycle of pain.

Acknowledgment of Tae-Jun’s Role: Haeseol’s reflection on Tae-Jun shows that she understands how deeply he has always been a part of her life, in every incarnation. She realizes that her feelings aren’t just a byproduct of fate, but a real, personal connection she has always had with him. This marks a crucial turning point in her perception of their relationship. She no longer views herself as a mere pawn of destiny, but someone who has chosen to care for him again and again, in every lifetime.

### Character Development

This entry represents a major shift in Haeseol’s internal state. Previously, her perception of Tae-Jun was shaped by frustration, confusion, and fear. Now, she is beginning to embrace her love for him, even though it scares her. This demonstrates significant growth, as she is no longer running from her feelings or hiding behind the idea that fate is controlling her. She’s taking ownership of her emotions and her life, which shows strength and maturity.

Her determination to protect Tae-Jun, to fight against the cycle, and to give them both a better ending also demonstrates her evolution into a more active and empowered character. She is no longer content to be swept along by the tides of fate—she wants to steer her own destiny.

### Haeseol’s Conflicted Nature

While Haeseol’s love for Tae-Jun is growing stronger, she is still conflicted. The fear of losing him again looms large in her mind, and this inner conflict is palpable throughout the entry. Her desire to protect him and her burgeoning love are tempered by the scars of past lives, making her vulnerable and cautious. However, the journal entry ends on a hopeful note, indicating that Haeseol is willing to confront her fear and take a risk for the sake of their shared future.

### Thematic Exploration

Thematically, this journal entry explores the timeless struggle between fate and free will. Haeseol, trapped in a cycle dictated by destiny, is choosing to fight against the forces that have controlled her for so long. This is an exploration of agency and love—she wants to define her relationship with Tae-Jun on her own terms, not based on the tragedies of their past lives.

At its core, this entry is about love’s potential to transcend time and fate. Haeseol’s realization that her feelings for Tae-Jun have persisted across lifetimes suggests that love is not merely a product of fate, but something deeply personal and powerful. It’s a love that survives despite the pain and loss, and it’s a love that Haeseol is willing to fight for.

### Conclusion

This journal entry captures the complexity of Haeseol’s emotions as she grapples with her love for Tae-Jun and the tragic cycle they’ve been caught in. It’s an important moment of reflection and growth for her, as she acknowledges both her fear and her hope for something better. Her determination to protect Tae-Jun and break the cycle of suffering suggests a newfound strength and agency, positioning her as someone who is no longer a victim of fate, but a woman prepared to change her story.

In many ways, this entry reflects a turning point—not just in Haeseol’s feelings for Tae-Jun, but in her entire worldview. She is no longer resigned to tragedy; instead, she is choosing hope and love, and is willing to fight for a future where they can finally find peace and happiness together.