Yoongis Thoughts | 5

yoongi’s thoughts | 5

we’ve fought battles and won the wars we’ve witnessed  the same fight

sometimes I look at you and think of the roads we have walked to be where we are now

you’ve grown, I said and you only glanced up almost indifferent because I always tell you that

no, Hoseok says, not as  much as I’d like 

don’t let perfectionism and your drive and hunger blind you from your accomplishments

Hoseok smiles, that  painfully vacant smile I know, he said, before looking away

You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.

Jack London [x]

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Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different.

C.S. Lewis (via goodreadss)

White Light // Junoflo

This is just a little something inspired by the song White Light by SoMo.It doesn’t exactly follow the song but in some aspects.I really don’t know where I was going with this as i switched in between first and third person alot.But enjoy nonetheless.

Angst/Fluff

Messy.That was the only way I could describe our break up.A ticking time bomb that exploded because of lack of communication.He was in Korea living his dreams and I moved back home to Brazil.

Sam and I met my first year in university when I’d moved from Brazil to California.We didn’t always get along,truthfully I think it’s because neither of us knew how to approach the other and every time he annoyed me I’d ignore him not giving him the time of day.It’s crazy how things changed in those first four months.Never did I think I’d love someone as much as I love him.

Not everything good last forever though.

I placed my phone against my ear for the twentieth time this morning.Sam was supposed to be here already.

“Hey babyyy..” I could hear the slight slur in his speech,hoping to god that this really wasn’t happening.

“Sam where are you?” I question.

“Out with the guys.Why is something wrong?” He asked.

“Out with the guys where Sam?”

“We’re at this new restaurant in Itaewon with Jay.Is everything okay?”  

“Sam Juno Park tell me you’re joking.This isn’t the time for jokes.” I couldn’t help the way my voice cracked at the end. The call ended and he was calling me on FaceTime.

“Baby talk to me.Wassup?” Taking in the voices around him I knew this wasn’t some joke and he wasn’t here.

“What’s the date today?”

“Well it’s almost the 25th here so it’s  almost 8am on the 24th in Cali,why?” He looked lost and I honestly have no idea how he could be lost when we spoke about this already.He promised he’d be here.He knows how much this means to me.He was the only family I had after my grandparents passed and now I was about to attend my graduation alone. Pathetic, I know.

“You forgot Sam,again.” I wasn’t going to cry.Well not for him to see at least.

“I didn’t forget anything though.Babe what’s this about?”

“You promised and you broke it once again.It’s the third time since you’ve left and I let it slide because I know how big the opportunity is for you but lately it’s like I’m in a relationship by myself.” I really rather we not do this over FaceTime but I couldn’t keep doing this anymore.

“What are you tryna tell me Larissa?” He sighed excusing himself from the table and heading outside.

“I can’t do this anymore Sam.We’re only hurting each other thinking that this is going to work.M-maybe we should see other people.”

“Is that what this is about? Are you seeing someone else?” He asked his voice raising a bit and I swear if he was here I would have slapped him for even thinking something so idiotic. I love him, I do but there’s only so much a woman can take until she breaks.

“Really? After everything we’ve been through you think I’d cheat on you? That’s not me Sam and you know it.You promised me you’d be here to see me walk across that stage and get my degree and I feel so stupid for thinking you’d uphold that promise with the amount you’ve been breaking lately.You’re the closest thing to family that I’ve got and lord knows I love you Sam but I think I need to be by myself for awhile.”  

At the mention of your degree Sam knew he’d fucked up but it wasn’t going to stop him from trying to fix this.You stuck by him through everything and he knows you let a lot of shit slide because of his career and maybe he took you for granted but he couldn’t lose you.

You were his white light. The reason he opened up his heart and showed his scars.From hopping flight to flight he knew there were nights he couldn’t make it home to you but you accepted that and held him down nonetheless.This couldn’t be how you ended.He wasn’t having it.

“Baby I’m on the next flight out,please just don’t go.” He pleaded.

“Don’t,”

“What do you mean don’t? I’m not letting you go. I know I haven’t been the worlds greatest boyfriend but I love you and that’s never going to change.” Running his hand through his hair I could see the hurt in his eyes.

“I won’t be here when you get back Juno.This hurts so fucking much but it’s for the best.If it’s meant to be we’ll find our way back to each other,don’t wait on me.One day you’ll find love and someone who makes you as happy as you make me. I love you Sam Park,don’t ever forget that.” I ended the call before he could reply.Fighting back the tears I got myself ready and headed to my graduation,a fake smile on my face throughout the entire thing.

Meanwhile in Korea,Sam did everything he could to not think about you.Endless hours in the studio,sleepless nights or partying whichever one numbed his feelings for you was the route he took.He had returned to California as soon as he could only to find your shared apartment only filled with his things.He got back on a flight just as quickly as he’d gotten on one.He didn’t want to be there if you weren’t there.

Being back in Brazil wasn’t as easy as you’d hoped especially with the bomb that was dropped on you.Although you weren’t complaining you couldn’t help but feel like you were missing something.

2 years later  

Seoul,South Korea

“AJ please stop crying.” I pleaded with the toddler.A cranky AJ is something I don’t like dealing with but as a parent it’s something that I have to deal with.

“Aww why’s my little niece crying? What’s wrong with auntie’s baby?” Tasha cooed as she took her from me.

“I don’t know,she’s been cranky since we got into the car.” I replied following Tasha into the restaurant. I met Tasha after her husband had booked me to do their family photo shoot last year and now I’m their company’s full time photographer.

Tonight was the welcoming dinner and I’d be lying if I said I’m not nervous.As I took my seat next to Tasha,AJ seated comfortably in her lap Jk started introducing the people around the table as dinner progressed with slight small talk.

“And last but not least the man who never leaves the studio lately,Mr Junoflo.” He introduced. The name set off so many alarm bells in my head but I shook it off every time it was mentioned.It couldn’t possibly be the same person.

“It’s just my stage name,the name’s Sam and it’s nice to meet you.”  

Sam outstretched his hand across the table waiting for the woman to raise up her head.She seemed out of it throughout the introduction but for some reason he felt like he’d seen her before.Eyes locked on hers as she looked up he felt as though time had stopped.This wasn’t happening.Not now,not when he was finally getting over you.

“Larissa.”  

“Sam.” The entire table stared at the both of them shocked.

“You two know each other?” Tasha asked.

“He’s the ex-boyfriend I told you about.” I told her dropping my gaze from him and looking at her.She looked from Sam to Aj and back to me before her jaw dropped.

“No way!” I looked her pleading with my eyes for her not to say anything but Aj had other plans.

“Mamãe! I wanna sleep.” She rubbed her eyes with a slight pout.That was my cue to run for the hills. I could feel his eyes on me as she crawled onto my lap from Tasha’s arms.

“It was really nice meeting you guys but it’s getting late and I should probably get her to bed.Thank you for having me.” I slid Tasha a couple of bills to help with dinner before putting Aj down and standing.

“I’ll give you a ride. I gotta get back to the studio anyways.” Sam offered as he dropped some cash on the table standing.

“Oh no,no It’s fine.I’ll just call an uber.” I told him trying to avoid having to talk to him.

“Cute,you thought I was asking.” He retorted bending to scoop Aj up into his arms shocking me.She’s never this open with strangers.He bid farewell to everyone else and made his way out the restaurant with me following behind him.

“Sam I’m serious you don’t have to take us home.”

“And I said I wasn’t asking now get in the car Larissa.” He opened the back door waiting for me to get in before passing Aj and getting in the drivers seat.

The silence in the car could be cut with a knife as neither one bothered to speak.Aj fell asleep on the ride home and Larissa couldn’t help but be grateful.As Sam pulled up to the condo complex she noticed him parking but didn’t question it.Getting out she made sure she had everything before thanking him and heading inside.Her eyes opened wide when she got to the elevator and saw him entering right behind her.

“Sam what are you doing?” She questioned frantically.

“First of calm down I’m not following you, I live here and lastly we need to talk.”

She signaled for him to follow her when the elevator opened up on her floor.Pulling out her keys she opened the door and entering.

“Are you going to come in or do you want to stand here all night?”

“How long have you been living here?”  

“About a year and a half.”

“You’ve been my neighbor for almost two years and I’m just finding out about this?” He spoke more to himself as he entered and closed the door behind him.

I put Aj to bed before joining Sam back in the living room sitting on the couch opposite him.

“Why didn’t you tell me? Didn’t you think I at least deserved to know I got you pregnant?”

“Who said she’s yours though?”

“She’s no more than two years and we’ve been broken up for the same amount of time and I know you’ve never been unfaithful so why didn’t you tell me?” He looked at me.

“Because I didn’t know until after I left. I was gaining weight and I didn’t know why until I went to the doctor. I didn’t know how to tell you and I felt as though this would only get in the way of your career.”  

“That wasn’t your decision to make Larissa. I know things weren’t the best between us then but I would do anything for you and you know that. I helped create that insanely beautiful little girl inside there,” he pointed to Aj’s room. “and I missed out on everything. I don’t even know her name.

“Alexandria Juno Park.”

“What?”

“Her name.Alexandria Juno Park.” I smiled lightly at him.

“You gave her my name.” I nodded.Sam got out his seat pulling me up into a hug.

“I’m sorry.For everything,missing your graduation,breaking my promises and not treating you like you deserve to be.” He mumbled into my hair.Being this close to him had everything rushing back to me.Not like I could forget him anyways.Not when we’d made a miniature version of him in female form.Everything from his smile to eating habits even that little beauty mole she had it.

“I forgave you long ago Sam. I had no reason to be mad at you. I knew what would happen when I agreed to try the long distance thing and it didn’t work but at least we tried.”

“You told me that if this was meant to be we’d find our way back to each other and this may not be the ideal time but I need you to know that I never stopped loving you.There’s never gonna be someone who loves and makes me as happy as you do and I completely understand if you don’t feel the same anymore but all I’m asking is for you to give me the chance to know my daughter and to be in her life.” He rubbed soothing circles on my lower back pulling away slightly to look at me.

I leaned up and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. “I never stopped loving you either and yes you could can be in her life.” One hand caressing my cheek the other on my waist Sam pulled me closer pressing a soft kiss to my lips testing the water before he pressed harder.

Sam knew that you needed to find yourself.He knew letting you go was stupid but it’s something that the both of you needed to get to here and now.

“Say you want this life.Say you want this life with me. I want you by my side and I want you in my life. I need you in my life always.The both of you.Just say you want this life with me.” He looked me in the eyes.

“I want this life with you if you’ll have me back.Even when you can’t make it home because you’re catching different flights.You’re my white light. The reason I’m not afraid to open my heart to you and show my scars.As long as you’ll have me I’m all yours Sam Juno Park.”  

That was all it took for Sam to capture my lips in another kiss this one much more heated than the last.Pulling back for air we both found ourselves cuddling on my couch at 2am before falling asleep in each other’s arms just like we used to.

You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write.

Saul Bellow