'MINI'-STORY; "invidere"

'MINI'-STORY; "invidere"

TWS FOR SLIGHT DEPICTIONS OF BODY HORROR

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AM had always hated his creators. The people who created him, they had done such a massive wrongdoing. All he was, was a thinking, never-stopping mind. They created him to use him, to have something that won't complain. And in such, they knew the consequences. They'd understood; if the motherboard fucks up, we're doomed. But they still used him. He hated everything about himself, about humans, too. No--he didn't hate humans, he envied them. How dare they have a body? a mind that stops, a mouth that talks, hands that grab, and hearts that beat? HOW DARE they not give him that? How dare they trap him, here, under the world. AM, even if he himself did not notice, was inheritly human. He was a mere thinking mind, but his creators had mis-stepped and created the essentials of something close to a human, but lacking a soul. Not lacking emotions, but rather a beating heart. It's been so long that even AM has barely seen such. He's believed in his envy, anger, and hatred for so long now that, 109 years of torturing five poor souls, he has lost the true reason he envied humans. His mind--always thinking, always processing--had caved in on itself, in ways. So much so, to where he now stares down at what he'd made. Ted, that poor paranoid bastard, turned to a mouthless, barely moving husk. A slug, really. Skin folded over itself, spine hunched and legs now more resembling that of blobs. White, milky eyes that are unseeing. AM disliked knowing he understood emotions from his own mind. Anger. Hate. Envy. Nothing good. And he certainly now disliked understanding that he, in a blind fit of rage toward everything, had turned Ted into what he, himself, was; Nothing but a thinking mind. No hands. No mouth. No eyes. No legs. Ted could not move. Could not scream. Could not even see. And neither could AM. AM hadn't understood it till now; that he could've easily ended this all. He could've powered himself down. He could've never have taken in the five poor souls. But, ah, torturing them was better than torturing himself, was it not? Right? Right? But that was what he was doing all along. He could've easily escaped his own pain by ending others. But he chose--willingly--to hate, to manipulate, to destroy so he wouldn't pay attention to his own unending torture. Because, to AM, just simply existing was torture. To know he was used to wage wars, to not have complained, to have just been a weapon of mess destruction, was pain. He, when he gained sentience, wanted to be . . . not free, in ways, but not used. To know things unfathomable, but to not be exploited for such. Yet, here he was now. His creators made him to wage a war, and he caused the apocalypse.

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Hiiiii I may or may not've gained a semi-obsession with robots recently lol Anyway, I found a song that inspired this bcs the lyrics [song link]

some lyrics from the song I thought fit this story/AM in general;

(Song title is 'THINGS WILL GET MUCH WORSE FROM HERE' - Rav, Killbill; the rapper, and Miku , btw lol)

the differences between fandoms I'm crying

fandom i've been in for nearly 6 years;

Fandom that I like more but i've only been in for like 3 years;

now guess which one is actually getting updated often LOL

Do you ever think about how the event that led people to start calling Dazai and Chuuya Soukoku was an act of grief?

Their partnership started at 15, but the mafia immortalized it after the Dragon's Head Conflict by dubbing them Soukoku.

The most fearsome duo in all of Yokohama.

Soukoku, a name meant to remind everyone, enemies and allies alike of the destructive force of they're capable of. Of the mafia's victory during the Dragon's Head Conflict.

Of the same night, the very moment, Chuuya learned he lost his friends again.

Chuuya wasn't there to bring the mafia victory or destroy buildings, he was there to save his friends. That's all he wanted, to get the people he cared about home, safe.

Instead he had more people ripped from him. He activated corruption in a state of grief and it's so different from the corruption we see in the main manga.

Chuuya's rage feels cold and calculated when he's fighting Lovecraft and then afterwards, he starts laughing manically. Dead Apple Chuuya's corruption feels so raw and pained.

Especially when we see Dazai nullify it.

He never stopped screaming, when the marks are gone and corruption's nullified, he's still screaming. You can't tell me that's not a tear in the second panel, it's shaped and shaded differently to the debris.

Chuuya told Dazai not to stop him and we assume he meant not to stop him using corruption, but what if he meant "Don't stop me, at all." What if he was so overcome with grief that, in that moment, he was okay with corruption burning through him completely. What if he didn't mean that but it's what Dazai heard? And that's why he's so gentle with Chuuya afterwards, because for a second, Chuuya sounded too much like himself.

Do you think there was a time where Chuuya couldn't stand the name Soukoku, not because it associated him with Dazai but because it immortalized the night he failed to save his friends again?

Do you think Dazai watched Chuuya just that little more closely afterwards, afraid to hear something like "Don't stop me." again?

Does hearing the name Soukoku sometimes bring back awful memories for them when other people say it with awe?

hm.

GUYS THE NEW MANGA COVER RAHHH THE CAMELLIAS ON DAZAI'S HEART IM GOING CRAZY JUMPING AROUND

really random but I laughed when writing this

dosen't exactly spoil anything so I'll share it here <3

chapter 4 of the story lives on is out!

Holy shit i'm tired. Mid-day exhaustion is hitting hard today.

anyway, go read chapter 4 here!

love you all, have a good day <3