I've Always Thought That My Life Was Way Too Monotonous. I Wake Up, Go To School, Then Go Home. It's

I've always thought that my life was way too monotonous. I wake up, go to school, then go home. It's always been like that. Maybe because before, going to places other than home and school felt odd, like my parents will always know if I went somewhere before actually going home. For the me before, it's breaking the rules, and at some point, it even felt like a crime. It went on like that until I became a high school student. Suddenly, I became aware of everything that's happening to me—every second, every moment, every detail. Then I thought, "Wow, you know what? The only reason why I think my life is uneventful is because I never actually paid attention to it,". We became so caught up with other people's life that we actually forgot to dig deeper on ours. That's the reason why we see and experience the same thing all over again. No life is monotonous. The word "life" is already eventful itself. You just have to pay attention.

It’s good to do this sometimes.

Excuse moi

I’ve always had excuses with me. In every situation. In every matter. I’ve always somehow survive holding at least one excuse for everything I’m doing. And no, I’m not a liar. Well, maybe I am but only to a certain extent. 

This time, this is not an excuse but a matter I have to deal with alone.

I’ve always been afraid with change. And these days, I’m starting to feel like something really is changing. Of course, change is the only constant thing in this world, but seeing it happens right before your very eye and knowing the fact that it won’t be for the greater good (especially to friendships) is just.. hard to ingest. 

I can see. I can clearly trace the slow changes of what’s between us all. 

Or maybe, it’s all in my head. ‘Cause I’m the only one to go away. 

So I decided to clear my mind for a week. I deactivated my social media accounts (except for this one) to maybe think about my reactions and my perceptions about what might happen when school starts. I have to stop forcing myself to settle into this tiny corner I forcefully lead myself and check myself. 

I’ll come back. And hopefully, I’m not the same critical girl that I am now.

// 050617

Our ‘almost’ will always haunt me.

six word story #29 (m.f.)  (via artofephemera)

And now I know

I’ve been suffering for the past three years because of what we have become. April 6, 2017, your birthday, made me very reluctant of the plans I thought I have well-thought of. You already look happier. I wouldn’t want to take that away by bringing you a problem only I couldn’t solve. 

But I still did it. 

I messaged you. I wished you a very happy birthday and told you the things that bothered me since the very first time we became something. No, we’re not a couple. I don’t even know what we are. What I only know is that we have something fragile going on between us. People are desperately trying to find out what it is, but how would they even understand if we, ourselves, don’t get it at all? 

But now, with that message, it was clear that we don’t need other people to understand. 

It is us that needs the understanding. Finally, we understood it last night. 

And now I know, we’ll both go on with our lives without carrying the mess of the past. I can finally say that I’m relieved and that I’m ready to move forward too. 

Thank you for making things a little better than it should. 

You might not see this letter, but I wanted to tell you that I’m finally loosening my hold to that hope. You have a special place in my heart, you always do.

// 040617

One thing I noticed about myself these days is that I'm getting more and more attached to my bed and sleeping but it isn't just because "I'm tired". This is probably me having a hard time adjusting to my new school—or I'm at least hoping that it really is about that. Cutting some ties with the people and things I was once surrounded by is definitely not a good sign. I'm gonna give it some time.