A Name In A Grave - Tumblr Posts

thinking about xavier and the years of solitude and loneliness and detachment he had to plunge himself into. imagine seeing the world change and move and transform around you and feel like you can’t be part of it—to watch life without living.

remember when he had to kill his own self? watch the very few people that cared about him grieve for him? did he ever grieve his own self? how many times? how many names? what do you do when the lines begin to blur and you forget who’s the real you?

time passes you over and all you do is remember. does he ever get stuck in it? to feel like a ghost in your own skin… a shell of yourself, just sort of… waiting… and waiting… for something, for what? is a long life really a gift if you can’t live it, if everything and everyone leaves you behind? does he grieve his home, his family, who he used to be? what couldn’t be and who he couldn’t save? does he ever just feel tired of it all? to carry around this ache, this constant feeling of /missing/, of homesickness for a home, or more than just a home that you no longer know.

and imagine you remember all of this, over 200 years of this. how do you not begin to lose your mind? lose your sense of self? separated from everything that is dear to you, and now you’re forced to start all over and you’re haunted by your failures and the sins of your father and you’re just watching life pass you by, but it’s okay, you are used to it. you are used to watching the sun rise and fall a million times, except this time you see it from a place you are not supposed to exist in—the puzzle piece that never belonged. what is the shape of infinite loneliness?