Ah Yes Angst - Tumblr Posts

fuck man, you didn't have to do us like that.

Technically, Sizhui could be anywhere in the Cloud Recesses. There are even a few places outside the Cloud Recesses – in the woods, or down in Caiyi town – where he might have gone. He’s quick even on foot, and while Jingyi doesn’t think Sizhui would go sprinting through the Cloud Recesses in the dead of night to get to wherever it is he’s been going, Sizhui is already breaking curfew and sneaking out, so. Who knows, really.

But Jingyi has been Sizhui’s best friend for as long as he can remember, and he thinks he has a pretty good idea of where to find him.

The rabbit hill is still and mostly empty this late at night, the little bunnies curled into their little burrows to sleep. There are a few rabbit friends out and about though, white puff balls converging around a much bigger white shape in the center. Jingyi mentally pats himself on the back. He may not know Sizhui well enough to figure out why he’s been so weird lately, but he knows where he goes when he’s upset.

He approaches on silent feet, less because he actually thinks he can sneak up on Sizhui and more because he doesn’t want to startle away any of the bunnies. Petting the little fluff balls is incredibly soothing when you’ve had a bad day, and Sizhui has been having a bad… uh, month? Jingyi noticed him being upset a couple weeks ago, but knowing Sizhui he was probably stewing for a while before he started to let it show, so… Jingyi is gonna tentatively go with “month,” and then adjust the timeline as new information is revealed.

Sizhui… doesn’t look up as Jingyi settles into the grass beside him. Concerning! Jingyi does not like that! He does nod his head in greeting though, so that’s something, at least. He – oh.

It’s hard to tell, in the thin, silvery moonlight, but. His eyes look a little bit wet, not like he’s been crying but like he’s thinking he might start soon.

Oh, no. Jingyi should have followed him the same night he caught Sizhui sneaking out of their room. He should have forced Sizhui to tell him what was wrong weeks ago. Jingyi is the worst friend ever.

Well. He can fix this! He can. He can try to start fixing this, anyway. He doesn’t bother with any of the obvious questions, like are you okay (obviously not) or do you want to talk about it (if he did he would have already.)

Instead what he says, more to the rabbit burrowing into his lap than to Sizhui, because Sizhui kind of reminds him of a rabbit right now too and Jingyi feels like too much attention will make him startle away – what he says is “Can I help?”

Sizhui takes a shaking, hitching little breath, shock and sorrow. He bows his head. They are, for one absolutely agonizing goddamn moment, completely silent.

They’re sitting in silence for so long that Jingyi starts to wonder if maybe Sizhui won’t talk to him after all. That would be… fine. That would be fine! Sizhui is allowed to have secrets, even if Jingyi is stung by the thought that Sizhui would keep secrets from him. But they’re grown up now and secrets and normal and that’s fine.

“Can I… tell you?” He’s so busy reassuring himself that he won’t be upset if Sizhui doesn’t say anything that he almost misses it when Sizhui finally does say something. Jingyi blinks, and sits up straight. (The bunny in his lap startles and hops away.)

“Of course! You know you can tell me anythi–” “Jingyi.” Oh. That’s. Sizhui has never looked at him like that before. Sizhui has always been the one reaching out for Jingyi, ever since they met, scolding the other kids for bullying him when he struggled in class and helping him study when the teachers moved on before he could understand a concept. Sizhui brought Jingyi to the Jingshi when Hanguang-Jun was still in seclusion because he thought Jingyi needed a grown-up, and Jingyi was welcomed to their table and into their house and into their lives.

Jingyi spent most of his childhood nights curling up to sleep in a-Yuan’s bed, listening to Hanguang-Jun play them both a lullaby, just because he didn’t like sleeping in the orphan’s house. He has always thought of Sizhui as safety, and stability, and home.

And now, Sizhui is looking at Jingyi like he’s a stranger. Sizhui is looking at him like he’s afraid.

“Jingyi,” he says again, so, so quietly. He’s turned now so they’re properly facing each other, and Jingyi can see that he isn’t empty-handed. He’s holding an old, fraying red ribbon in his lap, stroking it with careful fingers. “That – that’s what I need. That’s how you can help. Jingyi, can I tell you?” His hands twitch, curl into fists. He clutches the ribbon to his stomach. “Can I trust you?”

And – well. Fuck. Obviously there’s only answer to that!

Jingyi is slow and careful when he reaches out to put a hand on Sizhui’s, but is neither slow nor careful when he says “Yes,” with his whole chest behind it. “Whatever it is, Sizhui, you can trust me.”

It’s true. Jingyi is already wracking his brain for what big secret Sizhui could possibly be about to reveal. Did he kill someone? Sizhui wouldn’t do that without good reason, and Jingyi can’t imagine what that reason could be or when it could have happened but he’ll help cover for Sizhui, he’ll do it, he’ll hide a body and be an alibi if he has to. Oh, huh, but if the person is still a ghost they’re gonna have to deal with that. Eugh. Jingyi will do it, because he’s a cultivator and that’s his job, but–

“I’m a Wen,” Sizhui says, and the entire world promptly stops making any sense.