And I Don't Know Why Or How I've Backslid So Far That This Is Where I Am - Tumblr Posts

I hate that I react so badly to any discussion of moving/him finding a new job/whatever. Like I try not to react outwardly but I'm sure he can tell, and obviously it just fuckin feels bad every time. It's frustrating because I know it would be good for both of us for him to find a job he likes better and also to be closer to our families, and I've been wanting to leave this shithole apartment complex for a long time anyway, and Tennessee is already a fucking nightmare of a state and only getting worse. But oh my god even him off-handedly saying "I'm so done I gotta get out of here" just *crushes* me internally every time.

I guess a lot of it is probably because I finally feel like I've gotten to a point where I function largely okay on a day-to-day basis and it feels like all of that would be lost if we do a big move?? But idk if that's even true, and it's not like we have much else to stay here for. We have some friends here, but they're not like, best friends. And everyone is so busy that we rarely hang out anymore anyway. Just the act of packing up and moving will be hard and stressful and I hate it, but setting up a new place could be fun? Idk, the prospect of trying to find decent housing we can afford kind of sucks the enjoyment out of that too.

And as embarrassing and lame as it feels to say, losing my therapist is honestly one of my biggest fears about moving out of state. Like I've been seeing her for over 2 years now, and she's the first therapist I've really clicked with and felt like she's actually been capable of helping me. She's been there through this whole leaving-my-job/horrible burnout/health issues/ADHD/ASD process and is like one of the only people in my life who's really believed me and wanted to help me investigate things and advocate for myself since she first met me. And I know she'd do her best to help find me a good therapist wherever I move to, but the uncertainty is so scary. Especially since I hate telehealth therapy, so my options would be even more limited depending on where we end up.

Idk. Something about it all is just so triggering and idk how to make my own brain understand that it's for the best and will probably improve my life significantly, even to the extent that I can tolerate it happening *at all,* let alone to where I can actively participate and help make it happen!!!! Ugh!!!!!!