And The Feeling That Comes When Your Birthday Creeps Closer And Closer - Tumblr Posts
almost 19 feels wrong.
one day, when i was laughing with my friends (i meant it, too. i laughed and i meant it. how strange) when they said, "wow, i can't believe you're gonna turn 19 soon!" and without flinching, i said, "i know right? i don't deserve to live till 19."
i don't know why i said that. it came from the deepest corner of my soul, i think. a truth that i've buried for so long that it no longer feels like the truth. has it ever been the truth? has it ever been not the truth?
i'm having fruit for dinner. i push the final slice of apple through my lips and reach for the banana. it's overripe. i scrunch my brows petulantly and peel it; hoping, praying that it's salvageable. ma would be so upset if it rots away. ma will be so upset. did it deserve to live? i don't know. but ma will be so upset if it didn't.
i push my finger through its core, trying to get rid of the bad parts. it's brown. dig, dig, dig. dark, darker, darkest. rotten to the core. it sticks to my fingers, almost begging me to find its worth. begging me to put my fingers to my lips and lick off its essence. i keep the dismembered fruit down and move on to another. this too, is brown. but salvageable. i don't look at the core. i tear half of it out and push it through my lips. it tastes strange. but ma would've been upset if it went to waste, so it's fine.
dig, dig, dig. almost 19 and i'm already overripe. will you push your fingers into my soul and pick out my heart just to throw it away when you find it still, withering, lifeless? will you peel off my skin and realise that happiness has never fit me just right and strip me of it all? will you swallow me whole or leave me to rot?
dig, dig, dig. dark, darker, darkest.
almost 19 feels wrong. but my lungs being selfless and unmoving feels even more so. so i breathe. in, in, in. almost 19. dark, darker, darkest. i laugh and i mean it. it feels wrong. i scrunch my eyebrows petulantly and do it again, louder.